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I Want to Feel Comfortable at Home Again


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One of the worst things about drug withdrawal is it has made it much harder for me to be comfortable at home. The first reason is I have sort of developed monophobia. During my time off from work, I tried staying at my house for one day alone, and it made me feel so much more depressed. I had to go to my parent's house the next day and stay for a week. 

 

However, the absolute worst part of this process has been the fear associated with my daughter. She is two years old. During this process, it has basically gotten to the point where I have so much anxiety around her because of intrusive thoughts. Even when I'm not with her, the mere thought of her makes me feel horribly anxious and on edge. Then I fear going home as a result. I am slightly worried that this is beyond withdrawal at this point. I can't really remember how I felt around her before drug withdrawal anymore. I think I was somewhat irritated with having a child but I never said anything. The worst part of this is I love her so much, but can't get over this weird fear and these intrusive thoughts. I should be comfortable around my daughter and house. I am nearly a year off Klonopin.

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Wow, just from posting these thoughts shows that you care for your daughter and if you don’t trust yourself around her then don’t be around her until you feel it’s safe for her. She’s only two years old. Precious little angel im sure. Maybe you have post birth depression symptoms. Both parents can develop it. You went from having no responsibility to having tons, a human being that requires everyday love n care. Myself I live alone and don’t have the option of moving into my parents so my kids are the rocks that keep me sane but if you are having negative thoughts about your daughter I’d say there’s an underlying problem there and maybe the withdrawal is adding to the stress but I don’t think in no way would Benzo withdrawal would be the cause of having intrusive thoughts towards your daughter who you obviously love n care about
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Boom,

 

I think Benzo w/d can cause lots of weird, intrusive thoughts. I usually tell myself that they are just thoughts and try to let them go. Sometimes they are so frightening that they are hard to let go of, though. And then you keep thinking about them to make sure they are still just thoughts and nothing more. It can get kind of OCD.

 

Even if these are only thoughts for you and nothing dangerous, you sound pretty miserable about it. I'd talk to a therapist who can help you get out of that loop. No need to stay in this torment if there is something that can help. You deserve to have your life back again.

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The only problem with going to my parent's now is my time off from FML is over. I would basically have to quit my job and move in with them. But I do wonder how much is benzo-related at this point. I have had intrusive thoughts towards my dogs and other people as well since quitting Klonopin, and I never had those before. What can I do? I have been seeing a therapist since July. I really don't want to take other meds, especially if the Klonopin caused all this.
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Boom, other than the intrusive thoughts, what other sxs are you having? I'm coming up on 11 months c/t from Xanax and Restoril,

and 10 months c/t alcohol. Although I'm much better better off then I was 3 months ago, I too have been having really bad intrusive thoughts, insecurities, regret, shame etc. I'm lucky if I get 3 hours sleep a day and that's usually fractured. Just curious due to our similar timelines. Hang tough! It's early on!

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My sleep still isn't great but it has gradually been coming back. I just started work again and barely slept last night, but during my time off, I was sleeping a little better. If I do not sleep well in the next few weeks, I will know work is at least somewhat responsible.

 

I am still pretty depressed. I just feel like everything triggers terror and then I get super anxious and the anxiety leads to very bad thoughts. For instance, thinking of my daughter triggers terror but other things as well.

 

Also, I have burning and itching nerve pain in my legs and other parts of my body. It's the worst in my legs, but I also have some in my arms and some facial numbness too.

 

One of the worst symptoms is an inability to think or talk about anything besides withdrawal. I wish I could get my mind back and care about other things again.

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10 months off was a very rough wave for me. I am 15 months off and still have some intrusive thoughts.

 

You previously said that you have a deal with your wife about limiting conversations about benzos, but I think you need some outlet. I was obsessed with only talking about benzo withdrawal for at least a year. I couldn't talk about anything else. I was posting on BB at least 5 times a day, I was in multiple benzo Facebook groups, I even created my own. I watched every documentary about benzos, left comments on youtube videos, watched all the benzo vlogs. You need to get this out of your system. You cannot just push it down and hope it goes away. Benzo withdrawal is extremely traumatic. You are like a war veteran who cannot integrate into society because their mind is still in the war zone. You need that therapeutic outlet one way or another. Are you in therapy?

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My home feels so weird. Everything is unpleasant, and hyperacusis. In addition, it looks like a battlefield! I've been indoors for 3 years, so this is really a prison. How could it be like this?
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Sorry to hear you're still suffering but it's all very normal for 10 months out. I was in what felt like constant hell at that point and for quite some months following.

 

I have recently passed 20 months off and have improved so much in the last month or 2. The intrusive thoughts were horrendous and non stop. I had these about my girlfriend/ family and I would think of them and feel this overwhelming feeling of terror for absolutely no reason. I would sit there frozen, unable to communicate, in another world of relentless fear day after day for months and months.

 

Now I seem to be participating in life alot more and in a way I forget just how bad I was. I wouldn't say I'm healed yet but I feel alot better. Much calmer and engaged in normal things with less angry and anxious thoughts. I feel the best is yet to come as well and think trying to stay as positive as possible (although very hard) definitely helps.

 

You will get better you just have to believe it, accept what is happening and 'fake it till you make it'. Don't run away from life, keep living and doing things however uncomfortable it gets. You will get the rewards for pushing yourself to carry on.

 

Keep going  :thumbsup:

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ideallifevision,

You basically summed up exactly what's going on with me. I spend way too much time on this forum and within Facebook groups talking about it. I also spend too much time watching YouTube videos about all this. I need to stop. I am really trying not to talk about it with my wife as much. I need to start playing guitar again at night or exercising or something when I'm tempted to sit on Facebook and talk about it all day. Luckily, I don't have Facebook at work. I like your analogy about the war veteran.

 

Benzofree,

Thanks for responding. I am glad you are doing so much better at 20 months off. I am glad you gave some examples that are on par with what I'm talking about. It seems like intrusive thoughts aren't spoken about enough on this forum. My family and my house just bring me terror for no particular reason. They aren't doing anything wrong. The house is completely safe. It makes no sense.

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