Went cold turkey around April/May of 2013

Before talking about where I am now, I have to first talk about what happened.

 

At the very beginning of 2013 I found out, by accident, that I have an extreme reaction to caffeine. I realize now it probably started when we were teens, when we started drinking a lot of Coke, Pepsi and RC Cola, all loaded with caffeine. It was around that time that I started to get bad headaches, and these turned into what most people call migraines. They were already severe by around age 19, but by around age 30 they were ruining my life.

 

So a doctor gave me Valium, and I was on Valium for many years to control those headaches, to keep me from ending up in an ER, but even so I had a bad headache more or less weekly. So I was always on Valium, and many years later I had a doctor who told me that he didn't like Valium and that Klonopin is a safer and better replacement. So I went from about 10 mg of Valium a day to 1 mg of Klonopin, and that's pretty much where I stayed. I kept trying to cut back a bit, but at the end of 2012, trying to figure out why I was having elevated BP, I stopped taking in caffeine, and by the middle of Jan. 2013 my horrible migraine headaches were gone. So I immediately thought about getting off Klonopin, since I no longer needed it to control headaches.

 

By April of 2013 I tried to cut down to half the dosage, and then I figured by the end of April I should be able to stop the drug.

 

That's how I ended up here. I had no idea it was dangerous to quit. I had no idea that other people spend months or year getting off the stuff, but I was already off it, and I didn't want to go back, so I just continued my white knuckle "sobriety".

 

Here are must some of the things that hit me like a sledge hammer.

 

Every time I started to fall asleep, I felt like I was choking, and I would jerk awake, in fear and panic. So sleep was gone for awhile.

 

I had insane muscle spasms, especially in my legs and my toes, and I would wake up screaming from those spasms, waking up my wife.

 

At least three times, just by walking or running the way I wanted, I would suddenly have muscle spasms in legs and feet, sometimes toes, sometimes in my groin area, and afterward I would barely be able to walk, just to get to the car or do small chores. This happened three times, and each time it lasted as long as 6 weeks.

 

I had the usual anxiety, so I was scared out of my mind driving. Just the beep of a horn would send me into a panic. My startle reflex was so out of control, anything sudden that happened caused me to shake feel crazy. It was hard for me not to explode at people, and I couldn't handle anything normal.

 

I suddenly had all sorts of weird sensitivities to food. All my life I've been able to eat just about anything, but suddenly all sorts of foods set me off into extreme discomfort and anxiety. I had attacks of acid reflux for the first time in my life.

 

I'm sure I forgotten a lot of things, but this is the worst of it, as I remember it all now. For months I felt like I spent half my life in this forum, talking to other people who were going through the same thing. And to this moment I don't believe more than a couple people who know me well believe me. My GP, I'm sure, thinks it's all in my head. And we all know how ignorant the rest of the world is about this awful drugs.

 

So I had to set it all out first, how bad it was, before talking about where I am now.

 

That was the "then" part. Now today: I can again eat anything. No more spasms in my legs or feet. No more periods when I can't even walk. I run every night. I sleep pretty much as much as I want, way better than most of the years I was on a benzo. My BP is still hair trigger, meaning that any upset or panic drives it up, right through the roof, but otherwise it is OK. I usually don't even think about this place, which is why I've been away for so long. It appears that most of the people who were suffering when I suffering are the same. We all seem to be getting on with our lives.

 

For the most part I can say that I feel better most days than I have except for way back, before I was ever on these drugs, but even then I had migraines. I have not had a true migraine in six years. At the moment I appear to be in good health. I take no pills of any kind except a pill for BP. My GP mostly can't figure me out, because I never complain about being sick and only show up twice a year for an exam, which I have to go through in order to refill the BP pills.

 

So there is hope. There is life after withdrawal and the hell so many of us went through getting off these horrible drugs.

 

Gaer

Congratulations gaer for staying the course and not giving up. I know 6 years seem like a long time but you made it and for that I give you props. No offense, but I have to thank God because you brought joy to my heart this morning.

gaer - congrats for your victory with benzo withdrawals for such a long time.  I also had many food sensitivities and headache problems even before Benzos.  I hope they go away when I am all done with this stuff.  Thanks for sharing and now go live a benzo free and happy life.

Congratulations! Very happy for anyone making it out!

 

6 years though, and I am on this stuff for anxiety and have a history of depression. Not nearly done and suffering bad with those two + dp/dr x100 because of benzo's.

 

The time frames and severe amount of suffering is just insanity. Specially with everything being denied you can't go to your doc, 9-10 people can't go to their family because who will believe you are sick for 2-3-4-5 years because of a pill. My family after I showed them articles still do not fully accept it.

 

These drugs are given to people who are already in distress I mean every success story is wonderful but it also a tragedy... I mean 6 years come on.

 

Maybe for me it will be shorter, maybe not who knows... thats the other hard part... You just don't know, all that stress, doubt, which causes depression and takes a toll on every aspect of life is not healthy.

 

But what can you do, it's the very sad reality we live in.

 

Anyway sorry for making this kind of negative post and congratulations for a well deserved victory!

Congratulations, Gaer!  Cold turkey is brutal, and I think you've made many people very happy and hopeful by coming back to tell them that you're doing great now.  I wish you ongoing health and happiness. 

So very happy for you!! Thanks for sharing..

Congratulations Gary!!!

 

I'm glad you've found yourself in a good place now. Thanks for posting this message, it will help those still going through the process.

 

PG 

Hey gaer!

 

Congrats! Glad you came back tom share your success story. I hope things do continue to get better for you!

 

Bella

Thank you for taking the time to write your story. It will certainly give people who have had to CT for whatever reason much hope.

 

I’m so happy you puzzle your doctor!

Here’s to a long, happy, doctor puzzling life after benzos!

Flip

Thank u very much for sharing im 15 months cold turkey 2 mg ativan! I been back in acute these last 4 months im in conplete hell my blood pressure messed up! Do u remenber more so when u turned a corner or started seeing any improvment?

Congratulations gaer for staying the course and not giving up. I know 6 years seem like a long time but you made it and for that I give you props. No offense, but I have to thank God because you brought joy to my heart this morning.

I can only smile.

 

Gaer

gaer - congrats for your victory with benzo withdrawals for such a long time.  I also had many food sensitivities and headache problems even before Benzos.  I hope they go away when I am all done with this stuff.  Thanks for sharing and now go live a benzo free and happy life.

Recovery from these drugs seems to be a bit like starting with a really big number, then dividing by 2 periodically. The number eventually gets close to zero, but it never quite gets there. After awhile it's close enough to zero that it doesn't matter.

Congratulations! Very happy for anyone making it out!

 

6 years though, and I am on this stuff for anxiety and have a history of depression. Not nearly done and suffering bad with those two + dp/dr x100 because of benzo's.

 

The time frames and severe amount of suffering is just insanity. Specially with everything being denied you can't go to your doc, 9-10 people can't go to their family because who will believe you are sick for 2-3-4-5 years because of a pill. My family after I showed them articles still do not fully accept it.

 

These drugs are given to people who are already in distress I mean every success story is wonderful but it also a tragedy... I mean 6 years come on.

 

Maybe for me it will be shorter, maybe not who knows... thats the other hard part... You just don't know, all that stress, doubt, which causes depression and takes a toll on every aspect of life is not healthy.

 

But what can you do, it's the very sad reality we live in.

 

Anyway sorry for making this kind of negative post and congratulations for a well deserved victory!

I think at least 50% of us are not just dealing with ONLY benzos. I've struggled with some degree of depression my entire life. I just have a lot more tools to deal with it now. But I was never on pills for depression, and I think many people who are put on benzos have also been put on other drugs, which makes the whole process a lot more complicated. In my case I was dealing with two drugs - Klonopin and Trazodone. I was only on Valium/Klonopin for many years, but somewhere along the line a doc put me on Trazadone to deal with insomnia. That was always a bad drug for me, but I put up with it because I slept better in spite of dry mouth. In time it stopped working. I believe our bodies develop tolerance to anything we put into them daily, and that includes both prescription drugs and "recreational" drugs, including alcohol.

 

I quite Trazodone because it always made me feel weird when I took it, so when it stopped helping me sleep, I felt better off it. That left only Klonopin, so I was only dealing with one drug. Other people here are dealing with two or more, and that makes things much more complicated.

Congratulations, Gaer!  Cold turkey is brutal, and I think you've made many people very happy and hopeful by coming back to tell them that you're doing great now.  I wish you ongoing health and happiness.

I think my take-away is that NO ONE needs to cold turkey these drugs. I was ignorant, so thank God people come here and find out not to do what I did. I was not brave. I don't think I was stupid, because how would we know? But a taper is the way to go, and I could have saved myself a lot of pain!

So very happy for you!! Thanks for sharing..

Looks like you got through your taper pretty quickly!

Congratulations Gary!!!

 

I'm glad you've found yourself in a good place now. Thanks for posting this message, it will help those still going through the process.

 

PG 

Thanks! I think we used to talk a bit years ago. Are you still teaching?

Hey gaer!

 

Congrats! Glad you came back tom share your success story. I hope things do continue to get better for you!

 

Bella

Thank you Bella.

Thank you for taking the time to write your story. It will certainly give people who have had to CT for whatever reason much hope.

 

I’m so happy you puzzle your doctor!

Here’s to a long, happy, doctor puzzling life after benzos!

Flip

Flip, my GP absolutely does not know what to do with me. On one hand, I listen, so in this way I'm easy to deal with. I also have a brain, so I actually know stuff. I argue a bit, in a very friendly manner, about things that I know damned well are not settled or 100% agreed upon. But he's mostly a pretty sharp guy, and a good man.

Thank u very much for sharing im 15 months cold turkey 2 mg ativan! I been back in acute these last 4 months im in conplete hell my blood pressure messed up! Do u remenber more so when u turned a corner or started seeing any improvment?

My BP is a constant problem, and I just live with it. The moment I have a doc put the cuff on my arm, it goes through the roof. But I monitored it at home for a long time, and I know how it goes up and down. Something about the drugs I took before, for a LONG time, kept the BP pretty level. It first went up when I got off Trazadone, which for me was a horrible drug, then it went through the roof off Klonopin. Apparently "clean" from this stuff I'm way more sensitive to stress. In general I'm pretty calm only because I work very hard at staying loose and not getting angry or upset, but it doesn't work in a doctor's office!

 

Otherwise things get better over time. It's not a straight line thing. The waves get smaller to the point where eventually you either don't notice them or you can deal with them, and the good times last longer. But to get back to a time when I did not take something I have to go back to age 30, so being off drugs and living life without a "little friend" is still a relatively new experience!

That was the "then" part. Now today: I can again eat anything. No more spasms in my legs or feet. No more periods when I can't even walk. I run every night. I sleep pretty much as much as I want, way better than most of the years I was on a benzo. My BP is still hair trigger, meaning that any upset or panic drives it up, right through the roof, but otherwise it is OK. I usually don't even think about this place, which is why I've been away for so long. It appears that most of the people who were suffering when I suffering are the same. We all seem to be getting on with our lives.

 

For the most part I can say that I feel better most days than I have except for way back, before I was ever on these drugs, but even then I had migraines. I have not had a true migraine in six years. At the moment I appear to be in good health. I take no pills of any kind except a pill for BP. My GP mostly can't figure me out, because I never complain about being sick and only show up twice a year for an exam, which I have to go through in order to refill the BP pills.

 

So there is hope. There is life after withdrawal and the hell so many of us went through getting off these horrible drugs.

 

Gaer

 

Thank you so much for sharing. Another hopeful read! Going through some really bad crap lately and really needed this.

Congratulations! So happy for you!

 

Jackie  :smitten:

Congratulations! So happy for you!

 

Jackie  :smitten:

Jackie, how are you doing these days? I'm sure I remember reading things you wrote all the way back when I joined. Is anything improving?

I've just been through the first 20 pages of my blog. I didn't read everything, but I'm starting to remember some of what I wrote.

 

Good GOD, I was 50% insane. I talk now about never having a true migraine in the last 6 years, and that is true. But apparently I started coming close a few times in the first month or so. My headaches are now so controllable that even when I get one, and it is persistent, I walk out the door and start running for about 1/2 miles, and it just melts away. I do that twice a night.

 

Way back then there were several people who showed up every night here and helped keep me sane. I'll mention more about them in the future. But they were fantastic, and I believe they are all doing fine now. So we really do get better.

 

I had forgotten how much trouble I had with my toes. Sometimes I could barely walk, even though other days I was able to soldier on. I'm 6 years older, so I was 64 at the time, but with the right shoes I just don't have those problems.

 

I was totally freaked out about a 6 month "wellness" appointment, and I think I screamed at someone because I did not get the results fast enough. I now go to these things with my wife - we started going together - and I barely think about it.

 

My teaching was getting bad, less and less students. Looking back, I was grumpy or worse, and it was probably a horrible time to take lessons from me. My schedule is back up to as full as it's been for 10-20 years.

 

I was desperately typing here, from work, the moment I had a break. Now I work straight through and don't even think about doing anything else but teaching. I've started a website and have several of my students actively involved in helping me add things to it.

 

I was talking about how hard it was to put up with my stepson and the grands. They were at the time 5, 7 and 9. They are now 11, 13 and 15. We all made a dinner together today. I made some sauce, not meat, then Kayla made garlic bread and Nick, my stepson, fried up some beef and it all made a great meal.

 

My sleep is totally different now. I do sleep long sometimes, but generally I'll sleep like 4-5 hours, get up and do work, nap before teaching, nap after work. I get 8 hours, and it's good sleep. I never got that on Klonopin and Tranzadone combined.

 

Crappy things still happen. Over a year ago I could not run a mile without stopping into a park at night (totally private) and peeing on a tree. I thought maybe it was some kind of infection, but my GP suggested bladder stones. I used to get kidney stone attacks, and apparently I never passed them. They must have ended up in my bladder, and then they grew. I had out patient surgery, they were removed, and I was back running in no more than a week.

 

I was not looking where I was going and tripped over a concrete slab in front of a parking space and came down so hard on my right shoulder that I broke my scapula. ER told me it was broken and to see a doctor immediately. But two specialists told me, after seeing the Xrays, that they could not do anything for a week or two until the swelling went down. A week later I was running again, with my arm in a sling, and the most powerful painkiller I took was Advil. Never went back to a doctor, the shoulder healed, and I have full movement back for piano.

 

There are always bad days, but I want to tell all of you that I never ever EVER dreamed I could feel this much better, at my age, after being on these damned pills for 35 years.

 

I still bitch and moan when things don't go my way, but life is really good now, and it's only perhaps in the last 6-9 months that a lot of new things have straightened out, so I think those of us who recover after being on these pills really do continue to adjust and further heal even after years.

 

Sometime in the next few days I'm going to come back again and mention some of the amazing people who kept me sane, way way back, when things seemed so hopeless.

Hi gaer! Slowly I’m getting better but unfortunately I had to take a benzo again and so I’m here again. I c/ t this time. The only reason I took it again was because I was unable to eat any food at all. I’m not sure what happened but I was 2. 1/2 years free from my first taper. I will never take one again. This has been very hard. You talk about how you don’t think about the things you do now, that you work right through things and it’s no big deal. That’s a wonderful feeling that I can’t wait to have everyday again.

 

How amazing that your shoulder healed on its own. Makes you wonder how many unnecessary surgeries take place. So glad you are doing well and I look forward to hearing more on how you are doing. Thanks so much for coming back and giving us all hope.

 

Love, Jackie