Two Years Today

 

To all of my Benzobuddies:  Trust that it will get better, and do not give up hope.

 

Here it is.  My own success story. Finally.  On this day exactly 2 years ago, I stopped taking clonazepam.  To be perfectly honest, I cannot say with 100% certainty if I am fully healed, but I feel better than I have in a very long time.  I feel hopeful about my life now and in the future.  So I’m calling it.  Done!  I never thought I’d get here, yet here I am.  Since I didn't expect to write a success story, I never "practiced" so I'm just gonna dive in and lay it out like this... It's a long one, but I think it's a good one!

 

My History:  Misdiagnosed first with depression, despite not meeting the diagnostic criteria (ADHD and a sleep disorder), then anxiety, despite not meeting the diagnostic criteria(sleep disorder).  I should have been diagnosed with “easy way out syndrome” because I totally accepted those diagnoses as an explanation for why my sleep was screwy, why I could be impulsive (never to a problematic degree, but I noticed it about myself), and why I couldn’t seem to fix those things on my own.  I was told there was a pill I could take that would make it better, and what could be easier than that?  So without considering whether or not I was depressed, I started Prozac.  It made me feel like I was on speed; it killed my appetite, and kept me awake.  I noticed the impulsivity got better.  And then, it didn’t do anything at all.  Despite this, I took an SSRI for over 20 years, and I never, ever felt great on them, just different.  In fact, the longer I took them the worse I felt.  I was prescribed clonazepam about 14 years ago for “anxiety” that was diagnosed purely because I couldn’t sleep. 

Eventually, new symptoms cropped up, and I was told they were due to having depression and anxiety, and I just accepted this as fact, and trusted the doctor.  Fast forward 5 years, and I’m not sleeping again.  This time though, there is something different about the sleep issues.  I am waking many times in the night, and I become so sleep deprived, I have to get a ride home from work regularly.  I can’t remember things.  I look truly awful. I am laying down any chance I can.  My child thinks I'm dying.  All while taking the clonazepam that was supposed to fix the “anxiety” that expressed itself in not being able to sleep, so many years before.  I’m going to skip many details here and just say I was diagnosed by a sleep specialist with a sleep disorder.  They wanted me off the clonazepam, and I was taken off of it very rapidly.  That is the first time in my entire life I experienced anxiety and panic.  EVER.  It was a hellish week of blinding headaches, sleepless nights, feeling terrified and like I was going out of my mind.  Unbelievably, everyone said, “that’s the original anxiety coming back” when I NEVER, EVER had signs and symptoms remotely close to these.

 

I didn’t last a full week, I think.  So I was given Ativan because it’s short acting (sleep specialist approved) to kill the anxiety.  That’s when the depression started.  Ativan has a short half life, which I didn’t know, and each day at the same time, a strange feeling would come over me as it wore off.  It was this sadness, and a feeling that I can’t explain.  I didn’t know that it was depression, but a friend did when I described how I was feeling.  Do you hear me?  I didn’t recognize depression because I NEVER HAD THAT EITHER!  It took someone with depression to tell me what I was experiencing.  So away went the Ativan, and I went back on clonazepam, and that’s when things just fell apart.  I never got back to how I was prior to the original fast taper, and became an anxious mess, terrified of everything.  The anxiety then morphed into a terrible depression, so horrible all I wanted to do was die.  My psychiatrist wasn’t helpful. So  I went to a new psychiatrist that a friend recommended.  She was a very compassionate and kind person.  Unfortunately, she was also a product of her field, and as surgeons cut, psychiatrists prescribe.  She thought I had bipolar disorder, and put me on oxcarbazepine.  It made me worse.  A childhood friend was shocked when she saw me on the drug, and called the doctor, telling her that I am not and never was bipolar, and that it was obvious to her the medication was making me worse.  God bless both of them, because I stopped that medication.  I remained terribly depressed though, and continued to look for answers.

 

Taper Time:  Like so many people on the forum, I googled my symptoms, and immediately found Benzobuddies.  At first I wasn’t happy I did.  Reading about withdrawal terrified me.  I was sure I could never do it, that it would kill me.  I was so afraid.  And then I decided there was no other choice, and with the help and support of my psychiatrist, I tapered off of clonazepam over a two year period.  I tapered from pills only, cutting them into smaller and smaller pieces, until I started using a scale.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I was determined.  I am deeply grateful for the Benzobuddies community, I couldn’t have done this without you.  Thank you for the compassionate support I received from so many of you, and for the connections I’ve made with some very special people.  Another gift of Benzobuddies is that I could also support others.  Giving compassionate support, advice, and encouragement, to others fed my soul, and giving back was an essential part of this process for me.  It kept me in touch with my humanity.

 

What helped me during the 2 year taper and since:

I think people here like to know what others have done to help themselves along the way.  There is no magic wand or secret cure that is going to speed you through.  A lot of this is luck of the draw.  Some people are healed in weeks, or months, and for others it takes years.  Doesn’t seem to matter how long you took the benzo, either.  That said, I feel strongly that having a structured life, eating well, and taking care of my body DESPITE what symptoms it caused in the short term, were to my great benefit.  I went to work pretty much every day.  I ate (and still do) a balanced and healthy diet of nutrient rich foods, that aren’t processed or full of sugar, unrefined carbs, or unhealthy fats. I ate eggs, greens and other vegetables, sweet potatoes, berries and apples, wild caught salmon, grass fed beef and chicken, and organic unsweetened Greek yogurt.  Obviously I ate other things, but those are all staples in my diet.  At some point I started eating sweets, but mostly on special occasions.  To this day, they can make me feel like garbage, so I have to be prepared for the consequences when I choose to indulge.  Honestly, I have ice cream most nights now, and other than tight pants, I don’t notice anything bothersome.  I didn’t take many supplements, just what my internist recommended.  Magnesium Glycinate, vitamin C, D, and E, DIM, Calcium D-Glucarate.  Mostly stuff for women . L-Theanine seemed to help with anxiety.  I also got a medical cannabis card, and used a vape pen to help calm me down at night.  I tried various cannabis products, but would say the vape pen was easiest for me, didn’t hurt my lungs, and I could control how much I was taking in.  I was so depressed by the way, that it never, ever made me feel happy or giggly.  Just calm and sleepy.

 

Having the structure of work, and caring for my family were also important because they made days predictable, and provided a lot of distraction.  I made myself do some public speaking, and I accepted some social invitations so my family didn’t feel isolated.  I was a first class faker, though I have to believe that people knew something was off about me.  I went on every vacation, except one, but we did always get trip insurance, knowing I might change my mind.  Travelling was easy, actually, and got me away from where I live, which wasn’t a soothing place during the taper.  Any positive distraction I could find, I used.  I watched a lot of comedy, even if I didn’t laugh, it wasn’t upsetting.  I had to give up meditation, after having a regular practice, because it actually made me feel worse sometime during the taper and after.  Now, I can meditate for an hour if I choose.

 

I am not going to detail my symptoms throughout the taper, they were all pretty standard.

The only thing I can remember is the depression.  The depression, after finishing the taper, was worse than ever.  I felt a black despair that imprisoned my heart behind glass. The glass was thick and bullet proof. Nothing could get through it.  I couldn’t smile or laugh.  Truly.  It hurt my family deeply.  It was a trauma for all of us. Last year, at this time, I still felt flat, and positive feelings remained at almost zero.  I could intellectually appreciate good things, and have gratitude for the positives in my life, but the feelings attached to happy occasions didn’t even go skin deep.  I started therapy at some point to work on unresolved grief and some other issues that troubled me.  My therapist totally accepted that benzo withdrawal is real and never pushed an agenda.  She allowed me to determine what we’d focus on, and remains very helpful to me today.  I think therapy was the missing piece for me, that I will credit for my healing.  Time, of course, as well.  TIME!  This can take a long time. So long you cannot imagine lasting another week, let alone a year feeling so awful.  But what choice do we have?  Keep going.  I promise you, it will get better.  It will be different.  My therapist served as a mirror for me, reflecting that I looked and sounded better, or that I hadn’t been troubled by XYZ in weeks, or she’d point out the distortion of a thought.  Having someone who notices that you’re making progress is important, because it’s so hard for us to see as we live with ourselves day in and day out.

 

Grand Finale:

And here I am now, two years later, to say that I am on my way to better and better.  I can’t tell you that I feel better than I ever did, that I’m even better than before taking the meds, because I’m a LOT older than when I first started the meds. And my life has also changed a lot!  Some of my aches and pains are due to getting older, and injuries.  Gray hair?  I’ve had it since I was 26, and it’s progressed the same way as my parents and siblings.  I look older because I AM older, ha ha. My sleep has been the same for the last year, and I’m typically not tired until bedtime.  I’ve not been sleeping well recently, and I have no idea why.  I’m not gonna make a bunch of wild guesses. I’m going to accept this as a fact of life, and know that I’m tired because I’m not sleeping great.  I have some issues with my family, that have nothing to do with benzos, and those issues make me feel some negative emotions. But that’s not the benzos.  I have stress from starting a new business.  Oh yeah, I quit my job of 17 years to start my own business, and it’s going well, thank you.  But it’s stressful!  Big learning curves, and I am doing things I’ve never done before, and sometimes it feels impossible.  I am thinking more clearly, and calmly, but like every human being I know, I also have moments, or even full days, when I don’t feel great, but I don’t think that’s anything to do with the benzos.  At least I choose not to think it’s the benzos because frankly, that doesn’t help me.  What helps me is not giving attention to things that aren’t helpful.  If I’m having a bad day, and I think, “I’m in a wave” how does that help me?  I tell you this so you can have some perspective.  Healing doesn’t mean the same for everyone.  I feel authentic, and in my mind, that means healed.  In the event that there is a notable positive change, I will absolutely come back and say so.  I expect I’ll continue to feel even better than I do now, but I think that’s because I’m taking action, not because my brain has more healing to do.  I can laugh out loud now.  I am socializing and entertaining without stressing out.  I still have a bad habit of flying off the handle, but it's habit not chemistry.  I'm working on it.  I don't feel any anger about things that used to enrage me.  I can look back and see how very, very, different I am today than even 6 months ago.

 

I can’t believe how long this is!  If you’re still reading, I’ll leave you with this:

The only way out is through.  Don’t hurt yourself, but don’t make excuses and avoid either. Getting off these drugs and healing takes literally one day at a time.  But the slower you go, the longer you hold, the farther you are from being free.  For what it’s worth, my jump was completely uneventful.  The bottom didn’t drop out as I expected, it was kind of just more of the same, but with the knowledge I was free and would NEVER take another benzo again.  My medical records say I’m allergic to them.

 

Get support.  Benzobuddies is a tremendous resource, but consider a therapist, too.  Find a better one than my first one, ha ha.  Plenty of therapists are comfortable letting you cry, vent, bitch and moan, and they will comfort and validate you.  http://w-bad.org/handouts/  This is a link with handouts to give to family, friends, and professionals to help explain what’s going on with you and what will be helpful for you. 

 

If you are working, don’t quit your job unless it’s making you worse, or you’re a danger to yourself or others at work.  If you can, try and figure out how to manage.  Maybe it’s a schedule adjustment, or taking FMLA for a bit, or getting accommodations through the ADA.  Working didn’t always feel helpful to me, but I know it was better for me than staying home.  We also need my income, so there’s that as well. 

 

Take care of yourself by eating well, drinking water, keeping a sleep schedule (even if it means lying awake in bed with your eyes closed and listening to something soothing), exercise in some way/shape/form. 

Just because something is “natural” doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Use caution, and common sense when it comes to supplements, herbs, etc…  Some can cause liver damage, anxiety, depression, headaches, stomach pain, heart palpitations, even kidney damage.  Again:  no magic wands, no secret cures.  What works for someone else might have the opposite effect for you.

 

You are worthy of love, and all good things.  Don’t give up.  You will get well.  You will be free of this.  I wish all of you loving kindness, wellness, ease, peace, and happiness.  I am grateful for you all.

 

Namaste,

Sunday

 

Thank you so much, Sunday.  I really enjoyed reading your success story.  I'm grateful to you for coming back to share it with all of us, the kind words you've offered for those still suffering, and your forthrightness.  Congratulations on 2 years and may you continue to make great progress. 

Congrats. Im 3 months off and have up days and down days, but reading your success story reminds me that Ive come a long ways and I must continue "through" to the end. Each second, minute, hour, day, week, and month is that much closer to complete healing. Thanks for the hope and inspiration. So happy that you were able to write and share your wonderful success story. Congratulations!

Fp

Thank you Setlzerer and FP, very much.  Congratulations to both of you for finishing your tapers!  It's early days for both of you, but if you're already seeing improvement, that's something to really celebrate!  I felt terrible for the longest time.  I had all of the typical physical stuff, but the depression was the worst.  S:  if you could quit drinking and be sober for 10 years, you've totally got this.  If you did AA, same principles apply for healing.  FP, if your depression is lifting, that sounds like a gift you can use to carry you through.   

So so happy for you. I am right behind you. What a heckuva journey.

Congratulations Sunday! Thank you for posting and giving us hope.  I wish I had read your post 6 months ago when I decided to take a severance from my job of 20 years.  I just didn’t think I could finish my taper and heal while working.  Big mistake!  I should’ve hung on as best I could as I think it would’ve helped in my recovery.  May I ask how you dealt with insomnia post-taper and how/when did your sleep return to normal (despite it being off right now)?  Thank you.

Congratulations and thank you for coming back to tell your story and encourage others.

This makes me happier than I can say, Sunday.  Beautifully done.  I still think it will get better and better for you.  What a journey it's been.  When I was in the worst of acute after a clonazepam cold turkey, you messaged me to say "you are so brave."  That helped me more than you know - it helped me to change my narrative.  I'm so glad to know you and thrilled to read this.

 

Love,

CH

Congrats Sunday, and thanks for a candid reflection of your journey and Benzo withdrawals in general.  I am 4 months out from a clonopin withdrawal.  I can also relate too the road you've traveled with Antidepressants as well diagnosis for mood disorder when I was suffering from a full blown anxiety and more depression from anti-depressant side effects and withdrawal.  Good job with your new business too, am sure it will be an exciting and challenging experience.  Wishing you more happiness and success to come.

Congratulations Sunday! Thank you for posting and giving us hope.  I wish I had read your post 6 months ago when I decided to take a severance from my job of 20 years.  I just didn’t think I could finish my taper and heal while working.  Big mistake!  I should’ve hung on as best I could as I think it would’ve helped in my recovery.  May I ask how you dealt with insomnia post-taper and how/when did your sleep return to normal (despite it being off right now)?  Thank you.

 

Hi Hopefulinpa,

I'm sorry you regret your decision, but clearly you were doing what felt right for you then.  We cannot predict the future if we have no experience in the past to reflect on. I don't think my sleep changed post-taper.  It wasn't good, pretty much during the taper anyway.  I dealt with poor sleep by laying in bed with my eyes closed, and not looking at the clock.  I would myself I was resting, even if it didn't feel refreshing.  I listened to soothing music/sounds, affirmations.  Eventually I got a medical cannabis card, but rarely used any products. When I did, it helped knock me out, but didn't keep me asleep.  As I said, sleep has been the constant issue for me, and my sleep specialist put some things in perspective for me.  He said that he's exhausted at 3pm, doesn't sleep nearly as well at 50 as he did at 30 or 40, and it's to be expected.  I also didn't drink coffee for a very long time, and when I started, it was one cup after 9am and before 1pm.  I wish you a speedy recovery. 

This makes me happier than I can say, Sunday.  Beautifully done.  I still think it will get better and better for you.  What a journey it's been.  When I was in the worst of acute after a clonazepam cold turkey, you messaged me to say "you are so brave."  That helped me more than you know - it helped me to change my narrative.  I'm so glad to know you and thrilled to read this.

 

Love,

CH

Thank you for taking such good care of me. I could not have done this without you.  XOXOXO

Congrats Sunday, and thanks for a candid reflection of your journey and Benzo withdrawals in general.  I am 4 months out from a clonopin withdrawal.  I can also relate too the road you've traveled with Antidepressants as well diagnosis for mood disorder when I was suffering from a full blown anxiety and more depression from anti-depressant side effects and withdrawal.  Good job with your new business too, am sure it will be an exciting and challenging experience.  Wishing you more happiness and success to come.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!  Congratulations on being off for 4 months!  And also off of the AD.  This is a tough road, but you've got what it takes to keep going.  I wish you all the best.  Sunday