haven't posted in a while -- i think the damage is done

hey all-- last time i was on here I was starting to finally feel a little more normal. I was really active on here the weeks following my coldturkey xanax withdrawal--i had severe, acute withdrawal and along with that it seemed that my brain completely lost the ability to sleep--I was only sleeping, at most, a couple hours each night.

Well, fast forward a couple months later. I have stabilized at my .5mg dosage, i've regained more executive function ability, and my brain can now sleep for a solid 4-5 hours at a time. All of these things are dramatic improvements, measurably speaking, from where I was at a couple of months ago. However, now that I'm back to somewhat normal "functioning" is when all of the lasting damage seems to have crept up on me:

Although I can sleep for a block of time now (usually), I notice that my sleep is much different than it ever has been my whole life. Before the xanax hell, I used to always have vivid, nonsensical, absurd nightmares (or I wouldn't dream)--and although the nightmares were surely not desired, I woke up knowing that I did get deep restorative sleep. Now, it seems like my brain enters REM almost instantly--and I only have sensical, non-vivid dreams that seem to almost be like events happening in real life. I do not wake up feeling like I got any deep sleep at all. I wake up after a few hours now, and I'm never sure I actually even fall back asleep because it feels as if I'm still awake but somehow my brain is also dreaming... almost like it's a daydream?? has this happened to anyone? in short, I feel like my brain is no longer able to produce deep, restorative sleep even though my duration of sleep has improved. Much of the time I'm not even sure if the "sleep" I get counts as sleep at all.

Also, over the past month I've developed the most depressing of all physical symptoms: extremely puffy undereyes as well as very visible blue veins all around my eyes. I just turned 28, and up until a month ago I never had any of these issues. I am so depressed now every time I look in the mirror... I don't know why these are coming up now that I've actually started to sleep more than in the past? Has anyone experienced this? It's to the point where I don't even want to go outside and face people. I know that sleep deprivation can cause puffy eyes.. but I'm worried this might be something else? it's pretty extreme. any insights would be helpful.

Don't think that just because things are different now, the changes are permanent. Apparently it can take a long time for your brain to fully recover. I am getting close to my four year mark since my last dose of Ambien and my sleep is still often adnormally full of REM sleep, but I am slowly enjoying more and more normal nights mixed in.

People like me its permanent, hope its not for you, I am 13 months off ativan and past 3 days my sleep has been the worst in a VERY LONG TIME! I am always tired but these past days I feel tired and dizzy.......I layed in bed thinking I slept maybe I didnt sure as hell does not feel like it at all!

The People that God actually Cares about there is hope for me he pisses on me at every turn, no hope for me, 13 months off 1 MEASLY mg of ativan and I feel like Day 1.....so for me no, I will have this Bullshit till I die which probably is sooner rather then later

People like me its permanent, hope its not for you, I am 13 months off ativan and past 3 days my sleep has been the worst in a VERY LONG TIME! I am always tired but these past days I feel tired and dizzy.......I layed in bed thinking I slept maybe I didnt sure as hell does not feel like it at all!

 

The People that God actually Cares about there is hope for me he pisses on me at every turn, no hope for me, 13 months off 1 MEASLY mg of ativan and I feel like Day 1.....so for me no, I will have this Bullshit till I die which probably is sooner rather then later

You need to be reigned in.  It's very unfair of you to go around ranting and raving, and scaring other people like this when the truth is that your insomnia *PREDATED* your benzo use.  So, therefore, whether you're 1 month or 13 months or 30 years off the Ativan, it's irrelevant.  Your insomnia has nothing to do with your benzo use.  Keep it real!

Yes, you have used other things for sleep as well.

You used NyQuil for years. It’s scary for other people to read your post and your problem

Is not Benzo related. People read this and you may discourage them into suicide so be careful.

People like me its permanent, hope its not for you, I am 13 months off ativan and past 3 days my sleep has been the worst in a VERY LONG TIME! I am always tired but these past days I feel tired and dizzy.......I layed in bed thinking I slept maybe I didnt sure as hell does not feel like it at all!

 

The People that God actually Cares about there is hope for me he pisses on me at every turn, no hope for me, 13 months off 1 MEASLY mg of ativan and I feel like Day 1.....so for me no, I will have this Bullshit till I die which probably is sooner rather then later

 

You need to be reigned in.  It's very unfair of you to go around ranting and raving, and scaring other people like this when the truth is that your insomnia *PREDATED* your benzo use.  So, therefore, whether you're 1 month or 13 months or 30 years off the Ativan, it's irrelevant.  Your insomnia has nothing to do with your benzo use.  Keep it real!

Then ist all True, No Withdrawl....SO I will die with this insomnia, thank you so fucking much for clearing this up!

1 mg of Ativan = 10mg of Vallium - not a small dose

2 years of taking Ativan then a cold turkey for 10 months followed by several more months of use and then another cold turkey could be the problem?

No doubt you had preexisting insomnia, but that only started when you were on and then quit other drugs 4 + years ago

Insomnia will not KILL you or anyone

Lots of people have sleeping issues since there were children and live well into their 70s and even 80s

Look for an underlying cause for your insomnia

See a functional doctor

People like me its permanent, hope its not for you, I am 13 months off ativan and past 3 days my sleep has been the worst in a VERY LONG TIME! I am always tired but these past days I feel tired and dizzy.......I layed in bed thinking I slept maybe I didnt sure as hell does not feel like it at all!

 

The People that God actually Cares about there is hope for me he pisses on me at every turn, no hope for me, 13 months off 1 MEASLY mg of ativan and I feel like Day 1.....so for me no, I will have this Bullshit till I die which probably is sooner rather then later

 

You need to be reigned in.  It's very unfair of you to go around ranting and raving, and scaring other people like this when the truth is that your insomnia *PREDATED* your benzo use.  So, therefore, whether you're 1 month or 13 months or 30 years off the Ativan, it's irrelevant.  Your insomnia has nothing to do with your benzo use.  Keep it real!

 

Then ist all True, No Withdrawl....SO I will die with this insomnia, thank you so fucking much for clearing this up!

In violation of forum rules against profanity. Hope the moderator is going to take action.

People like me its permanent, hope its not for you, I am 13 months off ativan and past 3 days my sleep has been the worst in a VERY LONG TIME! I am always tired but these past days I feel tired and dizzy.......I layed in bed thinking I slept maybe I didnt sure as hell does not feel like it at all!

 

The People that God actually Cares about there is hope for me he pisses on me at every turn, no hope for me, 13 months off 1 MEASLY mg of ativan and I feel like Day 1.....so for me no, I will have this Bullshit till I die which probably is sooner rather then later

Mark, please stop posting this negative and false nonsense right now. Any more of these misleading comments of yours will be removed immediately.

You have already stated that you had terrible insomnia before you ever took Ativan, so please stop scaring folks into believing they’ll never heal. No one on BB ever told you that stopping benzos would cure your pre-existing conditions, so kindly stop saying stuff like this. 

Please update your sig to include your actual benzo history – and I would strongly suggest that you specify that your insomnia, SFI and CFS, as well as the sinus disease, all pre-date your Ativan experience, so that folks understand the exact context of your complaints before they reply.

Thank you.

Hey I have the exact same problem.

Harsh poly drug from 2012-2018

Decided to do something unique in November 2018 had 0.5mg xanax 5 pills with lots of alcohol did not rest well and and since then I had this insomnia (remember sleep) went to the doctor took atvian 2mg felt good for couple of weeks as I could sleep 9 hr 1 week 6 hr 2 week.started sleeping less after 3rd week. Understood about benzo and decided to stop. and no doctor could identify what was wrong with me. I researched a lot I decided not take medicine .first day I could sleep 2 hr rem mode,2nd day din sleep at all and eyes were red and my mom's dad took me to a prayer centre . I couldn't take it so I took 2mg and slept 5 hr the 3rd day I continued with the pattern of maintaining a 2 days off and taking pills on the 3rd day .I have taperd to 0.75mg and I have the similar insomnia like situation I can fall asleep but I enter rem mode and I dream like normal event of my life. I wake up after 3 hr sometime 2 hr  but can manage to sleep 4-5 hr a night . The day I take pill I don't wake up I sleep 6hr. I was so mad I found out about benzo buddies doing a hardcore research and now I feel little normal because I am not alone in the race . I am 24 years old .

Currently experiencing close to the same issues.

I slept beautifully on the TEVA brand of K, they stopped making it so I stupidly tried to wean myself not knowing what I was doing. 1mg down to .25 in a month and I lost my S***, no sleep, all the withdrawal symptoms you can name and hallucinations. I reinstated after about 2 weeks, still not realizing what had happened, jumped around brands because I was paradoxical at first. Spent the last 3months off work and in the psyche ward twice.

I 'stabilized' on 1.5mg of a different generic (name brand made me crazy depressed), they threw me on other drugs in psyche and I couldnt come off them once I came home.

I currently am 'sleeping' on 1.5mg of K, gabapentin and ambien...so I'm far worse off than when I started. But my sleep isnt anything like it was before. i dont wake up feeling like I slept at all, dreams are messed up (on TEVA Klonopin I didnt dream, which I liked a lot, because I used to have lots of nightmares), I'm trying to stabilize but I dont know if theres any stabilization left?

Think I'll just start a taper once I get over the cold I have....

Currently experiencing close to the same issues.

 

I slept beautifully on the TEVA brand of K, they stopped making it so I stupidly tried to wean myself not knowing what I was doing. 1mg down to .25 in a month and I lost my S***, no sleep, all the withdrawal symptoms you can name and hallucinations. I reinstated after about 2 weeks, still not realizing what had happened, jumped around brands because I was paradoxical at first. Spent the last 3months off work and in the psyche ward twice.

 

I 'stabilized' on 1.5mg of a different generic (name brand made me crazy depressed), they threw me on other drugs in psyche and I couldnt come off them once I came home.

 

I currently am 'sleeping' on 1.5mg of K, gabapentin and ambien...so I'm far worse off than when I started. But my sleep isnt anything like it was before. i dont wake up feeling like I slept at all, dreams are messed up (on TEVA Klonopin I didnt dream, which I liked a lot, because I used to have lots of nightmares), I'm trying to stabilize but I dont know if theres any stabilization left?

 

Think I'll just start a taper once I get over the cold I have....

The discontinued Teva has many people upset and I was so sick from the Accord brand that I filed an FDA report. Now I make the pharm order the Activis brand but it still effects me negatively.  I just can't keep hopping around to different brands because their all different so I stick with Activis.  This is motivating me to get off Clonazepam ASAP.  I can't believe that Teva sold out. I had taken that Brand for years.  Anyway ... I wish you well on your journey.