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Depression takes over


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I've been doing ok anxiety-wise this past 9 months but the depression is crushing! I have suicidal thoughts all day long, which i never had 9 months ago.

Today has been a really bad day, i had my first panic attack in 8 months due to financial stress and insecurity about my chronic disease.

The suicidal thoughts become stronger and stronger, to the point that i don't care if i get hit by a car or end up in some freak accident.

I don't trust doctors any longer, they have only damaged my health and mind with their poisons. Psychotherapy doesn't work and i don't know what to do anymore.

 

Anyone else here with an incurable chronic disease, therefore not being able to work, burried by debt and no financial support? F. my life.

 

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I’m having crushing depression right now too! I’m in different circumstances though. I have a job as a college professor, a supportive wife who is a student so no income from her, supportive family though they live on the east coast and I’m in California. I still have all this, however I’m addicted ti 15mg of Valium and don’t know how or if I can get off and what I’ll lose along the way. I haven’t even begun this process of tapering but already so much despair and feel like giving up. I feel ya.
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I'm in the same sort of situation financially and suicidal depression. Has been a freaking nightmare. Sorry you are are going through it - it can be a deeply troubling, even dangerous ordeal. I'm still hangin' - further than I'd have expected I'd get. . .
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I’m having crushing depression right now too! I’m in different circumstances though. I have a job as a college professor, a supportive wife who is a student so no income from her, supportive family though they live on the east coast and I’m in California. I still have all this, however I’m addicted ti 15mg of Valium and don’t know how or if I can get off and what I’ll lose along the way. I haven’t even begun this process of tapering but already so much despair and feel like giving up. I feel ya.

 

Did you know valium can induce depression? Have you ever tried another long-acting benzo like clonazepam? I completely lost my mind on diazepam, clonazepam on the other hand was much more tolerable.

 

Great to hear you have a supportive wife, lucky man. Mine doesn't really understand what i'm going through, even called me "weak" last year when i had a mental breakdown. She's slowly understanding what depression really is but she doesn't offer much support.

 

 

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Yes, Valium can absolutely cause depression! The more I heal, the more it sinks in just how unwell I really was in the years before I crashed my car and realized I needed to get off the sedatives. Looking back, it's clear I was incredibly depressed. I remember being so confused because my life was going pretty well but I was just slowing down... It was the pills the whole time!

 

Gwinna

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Yes, Valium can absolutely cause depression! The more I heal, the more it sinks in just how unwell I really was in the years before I crashed my car and realized I needed to get off the sedatives. Looking back, it's clear I was incredibly depressed. I remember being so confused because my life was going pretty well but I was just slowing down... It was the pills the whole time!

 

Gwinna

 

Good for you  :) Many don't realize these benzo's destroy the cognitive functions in the long run.

 

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I am having suicidal thoughts all day at the moment too. It terrifies me. Certainly my worst symptom. Thanks for mentioning it. Sometimes feel like I am the only one with this symptom.
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[1d...]
I'm 13 months off and most of the physical sxs are less but I'm now hit with waves of severe depression, non stop crying, S. I., and horrible delusional thoughts lasting 4 days at a time. Then it suddenly lifts and I'm pretty much normal for 2 days and the brutal wave hits again. It's soul destroying as while I'm in it I can't see that it will ever end. I feel completely crazy with this and I behave crazy too. Husband is at his wits end with me and I am starting to wonder if my marriage will survive this. Never had any depression pre -benzo. These drugs are pure evil.
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I'm 13 months off and most of the physical sxs are less but I'm now hit with waves of severe depression, non stop crying, S. I., and horrible delusional thoughts lasting 4 days at a time. Then it suddenly lifts and I'm pretty much normal for 2 days and the brutal wave hits again. It's soul destroying as while I'm in it I can't see that it will ever end. I feel completely crazy with this and I behave crazy too. Husband is at his wits end with me and I am starting to wonder if my marriage will survive this. Never had any depression pre -benzo. These drugs are pure evil.

 

Wow sounds rough. Depression can be so debilitating and most who don't experience it have no idea how it can feel. My wife was so upset with me yesterday because I spent the whole day in bed. Today she apologized and said she knows she shouldn't get mad at me for being sick - so maybe there's hope she'll grow in her understanding. I hope your husband can be understanding, too. The last thing we need is for a marriage to collapse while going through this.

 

Are you working through this? Have a job?

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[1d...]

Hi Jared

No, i'm no longer able to work, I was a classical singer and voice coach but the stroke i had as a result of a too rapid taper (clueless dr) damaged my vocal chords, most other stroke issues have resolved but sadly not that one. I'm unable to demonstrate to my students what i need them to do. It is a great loss to me emotionally and of course some financial loss but i have joined a local community choir recently and trying to strengthen my voice that way, but it will never come back as it was before.

 

My husband was very supportive at first but now he says i become very abusive towards him when i am in a wave and he has to distance himself. When i'm in a wave i am constantly telling him i want a divorce (untrue but the benzo voice is very strong) so i'm not surprised he is sick of me and this long process. When i'm in a wave i am so depressed i can barely get out of bed, i don't shower and am unmotivated to cook or do anything, and i can't stop crying, then when it passes i'm practically normal. So horrific. Thnk god today is ok, came out of a 4 day wave of horror, i thought the physical sxs were horrific enough but this is just as bad. I'm trying to "catch it" when it starts but that's hard too as my normal brain just seems to switch over in a flash.

 

Sounds like your wife is pretty understanding, i often wonder how i would be with my husband if the shoe was on the other foot. This has taken 18 months of my life (and my husband's life) from 6 weeks of use and i am certainly wondering if this is as good as it gets. Dr's really need to wake up to the seriously harmful effects of these drugs.

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Hi Jared

No, i'm no longer able to work, I was a classical singer and voice coach but the stroke i had as a result of a too rapid taper (clueless dr) damaged my vocal chords, most other stroke issues have resolved but sadly not that one. I'm unable to demonstrate to my students what i need them to do. It is a great loss to me emotionally and of course some financial loss but i have joined a local community choir recently and trying to strengthen my voice that way, but it will never come back as it was before.

 

My husband was very supportive at first but now he says i become very abusive towards him when i am in a wave and he has to distance himself. When i'm in a wave i am constantly telling him i want a divorce (untrue but the benzo voice is very strong) so i'm not surprised he is sick of me and this long process. When i'm in a wave i am so depressed i can barely get out of bed, i don't shower and am unmotivated to cook or do anything, and i can't stop crying, then when it passes i'm practically normal. So horrific. Thnk god today is ok, came out of a 4 day wave of horror, i thought the physical sxs were horrific enough but this is just as bad. I'm trying to "catch it" when it starts but that's hard too as my normal brain just seems to switch over in a flash.

 

Sounds like your wife is pretty understanding, i often wonder how i would be with my husband if the shoe was on the other foot. This has taken 18 months of my life (and my husband's life) from 6 weeks of use and i am certainly wondering if this is as good as it gets. Dr's really need to wake up to the seriously harmful effects of these drugs.

 

This Benzo thing is so cruel. So sorry to hear this - that is a tremendous loss. I can relate to much of it too. I've been abusive towards my wife, her family and my friends and relatives. Thusly, I've burned a lot of bridges. But my wife has been there all along. She is truly remarkable. I too, can no longer work - lost my job, car, most items from my recording studio. I still try to play - only as Benzos permit, so it's usually only a short period of time before having to go back to bed. I can no longer play well as I did, nor am I very creative or inspired, but it's that or watch the time go by. Has been almost 2.5 years off K and has been a nightmare.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Jared - sounds like we are in a similar place emotionally. No Benzos for 7.5 months after 7 day detox in June 2018. Anxiety is improving but the depression is terrible. Debt is an issue too, as I was careless with $ when I was trying to taper off Benzos. It’s clear that deperession is a major and serious withdrawal effect of Benzos and Benzo withdrawal. So many stories about it. I am getting frustrated that I can’t shake it. At least we know we’re not alone and we are willing to reach out. Talking or writing about it feels better, so I guess we should try to keep that up. If we’re willing to reach out, we’re still fighting and not willing to give up. Somehow, the percentages seem to indicate that things have to get a little better for us.
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