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8 Months, 20 Days


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It's funny. 12 days into my full withdrawal I decided to step back from this website, and took a break. At the time, it seemed impossible. How would I ever function without checking to make sure that my every symptom was or wasn't typical. But now, it took a reminder in therapy to remember that this wonderful website exists. But now I'm back, and I wanted to share my story, and where I am today.

 

I first was diagnosed with major depression when I was 14 years old. I won't go into the nitty gritty details but it wasn't a good time. From 14 to 25, I was on a variety of antidepressants and other medications. I decided to try to find my new baseline, and safely tapered off all medications. Then a series of events happened and I suddenly couldn't escape crippling health anxiety. Desperate for any sort of escape, my psychiatrist prescribed me 1 mg of Ativan as needed. Taking the first pill felt magical. Suddenly, I could think straight, I was relaxed and free from the all encompassing worries. Having gotten off of medication though, I was wary of becoming dependent again. To combat this, I sought out an outpatient group specializing in high anxiety.

 

At first, the group was really good, I was discovering ways to cope I'd never thought of before! Due to this safe and structured environment, I found myself taking Ativan every other day or so (a far cry from at least one a day). Then the first problem arose. The Ativan started to feel less effective, like my body was used to it. On top of this, the doctor I was assigned in the program recommended I give antidepressants another shot. I was so frazzled and confused by my miracle pill not working anymore, I started to try a new antidepressant. Since the Ativan had stopped working, and since I'd be on this new pill, I just stopped taking them. Here's where the fun really starts!

 

I wasn't sure what it was at first, but breathing suddenly felt more difficult, and my arm kept going numb. At the same time, the anti depressant was presenting some fairly severe side effects. Combine this with my previously mentioned health anxiety and stuff became really rough. What really tipped things over the edge though, was that I began to get intrusive thoughts. Without going into detail, they caused me a lot of distress. After multiple attempts, I got in touch with the doctor, and was told to restart the Ativan. So I did, but things didn't get better. The doctor then told me to stop taking the antidepressant, and I did. Then things got so bad I had to go inpatient.

 

Entering inpatient I received my first dose reduction. Looking back, it may have been too much all at once. I started to have troubles with my vision, mild tinnitus, and yet more intrusive thoughts. Thankfully, I recovered enough within a week to return to the safety of home with my family. Once, home, I started dry cutting, the intervals of which can be seen in my profile. I was tremendously anxious the entire time, about what the withdrawal would do to me, as well as what my body was doing in general. I deleted them, but I had pages and pages in the notes app of things I wanted to google search, but didn't because they would have made me more anxious. It's hard to say when exactly things began to trend upward. I could try to dig back through my journals to find a date, but even then it's hard to say with certainty. Things did get better though.

 

Closing Thoughts

I got through this with a very strong support network, both my family and therapists were there every step of the way for me, and I will be forever grateful to them for their love.

 

I used no supplements at all during this, just tried to eat generally healthy. No dieting, pills, powders or portions.

 

I know this website can be tremendously helpful, but it can be overwhelming to see the struggle of so many other people. If possible, I highly recommend taking a break every now and then, if only for a couple of days.

 

If anyone reading this wants to talk to me, my messages are open. If you don't want to message, I'll gladly reply to comments.

 

STAY STRONG EVERYONE! RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE! YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!

 

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