The Nightmare is Finally Ending (I hope....)

Hi BB friends

I haven't been around much lately, not because I'm not thinking of everyone still on this journey, but simply because life is taking over again and I've got a lot of catching up to do.

 

Monday last week marked nine months off Clonazepam and I can only now truly believe that I am coming through this.  I am waking up from the worst nightmare of my life.  The last eighteen months have seen times when I could'nt believe things could get any worse.  There have been moments during that time when life was okay, but then the gates slammed shut again and my little benzo friend would return to remind me he wasn't done with me yet.  All through this I have tried to function as a wife, mother, grandmother (as of Sept 2009) and a friend to those around me - I've become a very good actress.  Sometimes the mere thought of leaving my house was just too terrifying to think about,  yet other days I could go out and do all the things I needed to do.  But never since I took my first dose of Clonazepam in early 2008 have I felt like my old self for an entire day.  I still long for that day, but I get long windows during most days now when I feel "normal".  My anxiety has calmed down and I no longer wake up every morning with my nervous system in overdrive.  Some days, like today, I feel worse, but compared to how I was feeling a year ago, this is a breeze.

 

So to those who are struggling - I can understand your pain and your fear.  From one who has been to hell and is now on her way back, let me assure you, there is an end to this.  I can see it on the horizon now and I'm heading straight for it.  Getting off that poison was the best decision I've ever made.  Taking the advice of the psych dr who prescribed the drug in the first place was the worst decision I've ever made.  But, like most of us, I was given no warning of possible addiction.  I knew after about six weeks of taking it it wasn't right for me - I should have listened to my own body.  I can't turn the clock back, but I can look forward to a brighter, drug free future.  In all those dark times I honestly never thought I could do this - I'm proud of myself for gutting it out.  For me the start of my taper was tough - really, really tough - but life drug free is getting better and better by the day.  I can feel it now.

 

If you read this and you're having a bad day - I hope you will get some positives from this post.  I know in my dark days I just did not believe it would end.  But it will - I know that now and one day you will too.  Take care my friends.  BB is a truly great resource in a world where so little help is available to those of us who are going through benzo withdrawal.

 

LB,

 

I have been here for the end of your taper...and I was here to celebrate your jump.  I am glad I am here to read your success story.  I have read alot of the success stories here, but I think it is more special to me when I know the person who has posted that story.  I was able to follow your journey and see that despite the rough times, you made it through and you were able to heal.  As someone only a couple weeks off of Klonopin and wondering if my CNS will ever settle down, it was great to read this story today.  It was very inspirational to me, and I bet it will be to many others who read it in the near future and for those who read it months and months from now.

 

You really deserve this..you have earned it.....I hope you continue to come back and give us updates on how you are doing....

 

TC

LB,

Thank you so much for your inspiring story !!  Really,  it is making me smile and so very hopeful as I know without a doubt that this will be the outcome for all of us going thru this "benzo-land".  Congrats on getting your life back together and also thank you for reaching out to others with your story of success and hope .            Ginia

hi LB,

 

thank you for taking the time to come back and post a success story.  i wish more people would.  i am having a really hard time now and hearing your story makes me feel better.  i needed some hope today.

 

thank you again.  i'm so sorry you had to go through all of that but i am so happy for you that you now see the light at the end of the tunnel...how wonderful that must feel!

 

congratulations!

 

leslie

LB, I found this site last year when I went off klonopin in my first attempt. Your support and candid replies were so important in me getting through those dark days, and the support even carried into my reinstatement and beyond.  I am off again and using this site as my dr/therapist/buddy to get through these first weeks of being off.  I have thought of you, and am so glad to have seen this post. I am proud of what you have done, I know now how hard it is, and what it takes to see this through.  your words are so valuable to all of us who are in the middle and don't want to look back, but are so afraid of what may lie ahead. Thank you for giving us the update, and your complete healing will be in my thoughts and prayers- Susan

Dear LB,

 

Thank you for writing your Success Story, I'd wondered where you were but am delighted to hear you're doing so well.  Your story will give others hope, you know how important these stories are to those still suffering, thank you again.  I wish for you every happiness.

 

Pam

Thank you so much for writing your story. I am 12 days off, happy I am off but a little nervous of what might be coming at me.

 

It is so great to see that you have your life back after this battle. It gives me courage.

 

Jacqueline

I'm happy that my post has given hope to some of you still struggling.  Believe me the struggle is worth it.  Just knowing that the demon drug is not longer part of my life (except for some minor symptoms) is such a positive.  My roughest days were before I came back to BB last year, but the success stories of others were always inspirational to me and gave me hope.  Sometimes the hope faded but if you read enough success stories, eventually you start to believe them.  That's a weird thing about benzo withdrawal - that need to be told the same messages over and over again.  These drugs do have a firm strangle hold on our rational thinking - it completely goes out the window sometimes.

 

TC, my friend, I'm so happy that you too are no longer adding the benzo poison to your body.  You deserve the reward of a normal life - you've had to go through this twice!  Never again though - you've done it this time.

 

My motto through all this has been "never, never, never give up".  I have these words on a cartoon which is stuck on my fridge door and I've touched them and spoken them quietly to myself every morning over the past twenty months.  I still do and until the day I feel normal I will never give up.  Life is too good to give up on.

 

And in the words of TC - "Klonopin sux".  I wish I'd never heard of Klonopin (or Clonazepam as I know it).  Evil beyond description!

Hi LB:)

Such a great post!

So happy to hear about you feeling better.

I am right behind you at 8 months off and I too believe for the first time that I am healing and turning the corner. The worst is behind us now and nothing to do but let things naturally fall back into place as they should be!

This has been been the hardest thing anyone has ever had to go through and your right about the success stories...I think I have read ALL of them at least 5X!

Eventually the brain accepts what has happened and has to believe that like the tons of people before us...we will heal!

I have a silver ring with the words "Courage" scrolled ontop..and the words "never, never, never ever give up" on one side..and "Its already in you" on the other..I look at this throughout the day and feel stronger:)

May life continue to be healing for you and you get to live it the way you always wanted!

XXXX

Shelley

LB! So good to hear from you again, and to hear such a wonderful update.