3 years off Xanax. My thoughts...

I reached 3 years off of Xanax on 1/2/19. Funny how the day came and went and I didn’t notice or reflect on it. I’ve come to accept my symptoms and live according to how I feel day to day. What I have left is burning, buzzing, irritability, anxiety and difficulty processing things cognitively.

 

I’ve also learned that I’m an anxious and fearful person without substances (got rid of alcohol shortly after benzos) and that’s okay. I still have existential dread, I’m still paranoid that others think negatively about me, I still get paralyzed by fear of change, and nothing I do gets rid of those things. I can only make them hurt less by being mindful that they’re just my thoughts and not my objective reality.

 

I had a little epiphany last night that life is full—of the most beautiful, mundane, sad, evil, horrible, wondrous things we have experienced and have yet to experience. Being in protracted withdrawal is just one micron on the surface of the sphere of total human experience. It’s not good, it can be very bad at times, but ultimately it just is.

That’s why I get way less angry at myself for being reclusive or tired or frustrated or overwhelmed. I’ve accepted that Xanax may have changed me for the long term. It’s sad, but it’s a potential reality. I’m a lot better equipped now to handle negative things in general because of this process.

 

I may be older at heart than my 25 years now, and I may be meaner and quicker to anger, but I’m also more appreciative and loving towards others and life. I laugh at things now that once bothered me, like my dumb username and profile pic. My highs are higher and my lows are lower.

 

What really happened is in April of 2018 I decided to have a beer after 2 years of sobriety and it spiraled into a 2 month long daily drink-a-thon that I didn’t see coming at all. I was almost healed at that point and wanted to have fun. Well, I did, and now over 6 months later I still pay for it daily with increased symptoms. Alcohol is a trap.

 

I also had a recent period of increased coffee drinking, which I think damaged me a little bit. I still haven’t moderated that enough.

 

I also started lifting weights in the fall, so I increased my carb and sugar intake. I think the constant inflammation from recovering from the workouts and the carbs and sugar cause increased daily symptoms. I have adrenaline spikes through my arms and hands again and increased anxiety and buzzing/burning feelings. I might have to take a break from lifting soon to alleviate these symptoms.

 

I think this post has a tone of resignation to it that isn’t very hopeful, and I think part of me is resigned to a life of symptoms and a scaling back of activity and ambitions that maybe I could have experienced had I avoided Xanax, but it didn’t pan out that way. I guess I no longer carry that huge hope that we all might get in our early days of recovery. I needed it then and it was important to hold on to, but now I just feel how I feel. I have a base level of achievement that I usually hit and I’m happier with that than with feeling like shit every day and then beating myself up more for not being super man. Oh well. Thanks for reading.

 

I commend you for accepting your symptoms at this point.  I'm approaching 3 years on 3/7/19, and I feel like I still have a long way to go.  The burning and buzzing for me have been constant since day one.  I hold a grudge against the doctors for doing this to me.  I don't know if I will ever accept that this is the way the rest of my life may be.  I'm approaching 60 and don't have much time left on this earth.  I can't enjoy anything anymore, not even the little things.  Every day is torture, and I just wish I could die.  I find it hard to believe that everybody heals.  I feel like I'm one of the unlucky ones who never will. :'(

Thanks for your encouragement.  I'm trying to get through this like everybody else.  It's very lonely when you have nobody to talk to who will understand.  Sometimes I just need to vent on this forum. 

Thanks for your encouragement.  I'm trying to get through this like everybody else.  It's very lonely when you have nobody to talk to who will understand.  Sometimes I just need to vent on this forum.

 

Iwsth, it is good to be able to vent and get it out because very few people outside of this forum will understand. Personally, I know of no one in my life that understands. I do have a friend that takes me to my appointments that is a retired RN and she tries to understand. It is very lonely going through this alone and you can PM me any time.

 

PG

Hi, iwsth! Thanks for reading and responding to my post. It means a lot to me.

 

I feel I don't deserve to be commended for my acceptance of this condition. But I do appreciate it and I feel validated.

 

Let me explain. I am at a point in withdrawal where I experience residual effects of an altered brain chemistry. I am no longer in the grip of withdrawal, where my personality and functions are totally compromised. I am speaking to you from the other side of this syndrome, and I want to tell you something: You will make it too. You will heal.

 

I hear your concerns about your age, your embitterment towards doctors and your hopelessness towards healing. I at one time struggled with suicidal ideation for months, and I made it out of that, too. That is a symptom of this condition as well. It will pass.

 

Don't think of this time now as if it's the rest of your life being tainted. Try and conceive of the person you'll know you'll become once this inevitably ends. Picture yourself healed, and how you'll live at that time. Maybe little by little, you'll begin to live like that now, so that you'll be ready to accept life when it gets better. Keep your hope alive and remember that you're not a negative, hateful, angry, unloveable person. It's the withdrawal, not you.

 

I have a friend who was polydrugged for all  of his teen years. Xanax, Klonopin, Ritalin, multiple SSRIs...He was taken to the brink of suicide by doctors that were supposed to help him, and he made it out with no one's help. This was a boy who became a man over many years on a rollercoaster of doctor prescribed chemical dependency, and now he is driven and successful.

 

I mean to say that we all make it out eventually, and your life is not over. Imagine your new life and try to get hopeful that it will begin soon. In the meantime, try picking up some things you used to like to do, or some things you've always wanted to try. Use this time that you're not working to maybe enjoy (as much as is possible in this state) some no-stress activities. You deserve to be happy.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Very encouraging and thanks!

 

PG

Thank you Inbarswetrust, Iwsth and Preachergirl. I can really relate to this conversation and appreciate it. I think it is the first time that I read posts in this area of the forum. I am full of hope. I do however regret the years lost and regret it in rather poor way. So oneday I will have to address that too. I was on benzos for 22 years and next week I think is one year off. I just have sleep problems (and unhealthy thinking/anxiety)  - in cycles so there are wonderfully nice times of 6 hours a night for days to 2 to 3 weeks and there are awful times of 3 hours a night for weeks or even two months with every fourth night or so being a 5 or 6 hour sleep blessing.

 

I have worked full time through all of this somehow but I can see I have neglected my family and work because of benzos and lack of sleep.

 

Inbarswetrust I can relate to your brutal honesty and I can say I am beating myself up with a tough 30 to 50 mile far ride on a bicycle once or twice a week and abusing sugars almost every day so the inflammation.... it has been so long I do not even know what it is like to not use sweet things in my diet. I am barely overweight so I guess I am lucky so far. Am I an addict? Will I overcome this like I quit benzos? Will it make a difference? Is this me looking for a quick fix and I have other hard miles to cover?

 

I believe my anxiety is caused by bad habits, wrong learned ways of thinking or misinterpreting the world since young and I am truly excited about identifying and addressing these things. The Worry Trick book by Carbonel is a Godsend for me. Sure, I may not beat them all, sure I may not identify all the problem children in my make up  - but if I keep trying I can maybe address enough and reach the tipping point  - where my make up is strong enough to cope and be as happy as I was before panic attacks.

 

I am not there but I am a lot closer now than ever since it all started way back in 1995.

 

In2mgbarswetrust, super well done for the three years! The years or life experiences or learned skills may diminish power of your thoughts regarding the fear of change, the existential dread, the validation wanted from others, the concerns you list so honestly.  Iwsth please have faith and continue, you are one post away from reading and discovering a personal A-ha moment. Preachergirl keep encouraging and be encouraged.

 

I do not go on this forum or post that often and I was getting quite discouraged by the volume of desperate victims (like me) here hoping to fix it all with the next drug, supplement or herbal remedy and the conversation by you three was just what I needed.

 

Thank you!

Strive2B,

 

 

    I, too, used to be a sugar addict and always had tons of sweets around the house/car/ office.........Because sugar really ramped up my dizziness I just did a CT off all sugars.....After about a month or two I didn't miss it it at all.....The real challenge is trying to find foods that don't contain any sugar......Artificial sweeteners also rev me up so I had to be sure to eliminate them too.....

      Interesting that it is such a common complaint that there is no one to talk to about this illness....

 

Alan