2 years benzo free

Hello everyone, my name is Sarah. I haven't been on here in 2 years, since I finished my taper. There is life on the other side of benzo tapers. I'm living proof, and I am so thankful to be here. I felt compelled to get back on and share my success story with you guys. So here I am, and here's my story. WARNING, It's pretty long and not a pretty.

When I was a young child, starting at probably 6 or so, I struggled with symptoms of horrible nausea, dizziness, panic, racing heart, etc. I had no clue what was happening to me, but I knew the things I was experiencing was TERRIFYING. My panic and horrible nausea would keep me up at night, it made it impossible to eat at times. My mother came to the conclusion that I was experiencing anxiety due to my parents recent divorce, so she put me in therapy. In therapy, I was referred to a psychiatrist who then prescribed me Klonopin, to take as needed for my "anxiety attacks". I want to clarify here, we had NO CLUE the nature of the drug I was prescribed. But, the first time I took it, we honestly didn't care to know the nature of the drug, we just knew it worked. It gave me a lot of relief from horrible insomnia and panic. I thought I had found this wonder drug, and from that moment on I thought I could get through anything, as long as I had my Klonopin.

This drug numbed me enough to get through years of bullying, and eventually graduate, because I struggled to stay in school due to my horrific panic attacks. It allowed me to get out of the house enough to work a little, date, and even walk down the aisle to marry my husband. I got married in October of 2015. Just a short 6 months later, I was shocked by the news of my dads stage 4 cancer diagnosis. His diagnosis changed everything, no one in my immediate family had ever been diagnosed with cancer, let alone stage 4. He was given a 15% chance of survival over the next 2 years. I was a wreck and began taking more Klonopin to deal with the pain and panic I experienced from my dad's diagnosis. I was taking way more than my original dose of .25 mg as needed. I began taking up to 2.5 to 3 mgs at a time just to function. I soon found myself so much more anxious than I had initially been. I was CONSTANTLY anxious, heart racing 24/7. After a while of trying to eat better and exercising more in hopes of feeling better, I continued to feel worse and the doses of Klonopin I had been taking weren't working the same anymore. I knew something was really wrong. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, and explained to her what I was taking and how often I was taking it. Her words to me were "Klonopin is an addictive medication. You need to stop taking it." (I now know how dangerous and wrong that statement was) I was HORRIFIED. My sister was a recovering heroine addict at the time and all I could think of was the horrors of my sisters addiction. So I went home and threw out my Klonopin, Not knowing I was already physically dependent on them.

Over the next few days, to few weeks, I experienced the WORST withdrawal symptoms. At the time, I didn't know it was withdrawal, I just knew something was really really wrong and I was SO scared. I was CONSTANTLY panicked, nauseated, in pain, I felt like I was crawling out of my skin every second of everyday. I had never felt so horrendous. I couldn't eat, or sleep. I spent all day and night pacing my complex in hysterics. I was so thin, so dehydrated, so malnourished. After two weeks, I finally couldn't take it anymore and told my husband to take me to the ER. When we got there, my heart rate was at an astounding 180 and my blood pressure was through the roof. As they were asking me their routine questions, I explained to them that I had stopped taking Klonopin on my own after being on it for over 10 years. That was when we all realized the seriousness of what I had gone through, and I was told I was lucky I didn't have a seizure or stroke the way I came off of that medication. After doing some blood work I was put on a medical hold in the ER, as I had some dangerously low vitamin and mineral levels that could have cause me to go into a coma or even kill me.

After 5 days in the ER, I spent 30 days inpatient to help stabilize me on Klonopin again, that way I could start my taper and get off for good. I got home after those 30 days and began realizing just what I had gotten myself into. I read some of your guys' stories of your tapers and what you all were going through, and I was horrified. I was so so so scared. I had just had the most horrible experience of my life and I then had to expect to have a pretty ugly taper too. I expressed my concerns to my (new) psychiatrist, my fears that a three month taper after 10 years on this medication would be wayyy to fast. He refused to listen, instead laughed at me and would jokingly threaten to pull me off entirely again. Frustrated and scared out of my MIND, I began my taper. With fear, trembling, crying and A LOT of prayer, I did it. I got through it. And to my surprise, I had very minimal to almost NO withdrawal symptoms for the entire duration of my taper. I consider it a miracle by the grace of God, that I got through my taper the way I did after almost 15 years of taking that medication.

With that being said, my life on the other side of Klonopin hasn't been all sunshine and roses. The month after I finished my taper, I began experiencing some new symptoms. I was diagnosed with a rare brain malformation, that would soon require brain surgery. I was also diagnosed with a digestive disorder called "gastroperesis", a connective tissue disorder, an autonomic nervous system disorder, and 3 heart conditions. All of them, I have probably had since birth. I had my brain surgery in December of 2017, all without narcotic pain meds because I didn't even want to start down that road and have to deal with another potential taper down the road. I deal with horrible symptoms of nausea, dizziness, fainting, low blood pressure, ringing in my ears, anxiety, heart palpitations, and many more. Many are symptoms I've experienced as a young child, but instead of getting the proper healthcare I needed, I was painted as "anxious" and I spent my entire life masking my symptoms and numbing myself with Klonopin. Now, I refuse to mask my symptoms any longer. Instead I feel it all. Every single symptom. I have had to learn to manage my illnesses, and my depression and anxiety as a result of my illness, all psych-med free. It has been the HARDEST thing I have EVER done. I have had to face ALL of my greatest fears day in and day out. But I wouldn't change a thing. Though I'm hindered by many horrible chronic illnesses, I am more liberated than I have ever been. I'm now free to find REAL healing instead of using benzos as a crutch or bandaid. I'm free from the fears that kept me dependent on that medication. I believe this is the same for everyone. We all began taking benzodiazepines for some reason or another. But this medication is only masking your real problems, the real illnesses or fears we need to be freed from, not just brushed under the rug. I deserved to be free. YOU deserve to be free.

So I want to thank you all for being such a support to me, and for giving me such wise and informed feedback during my taper. If you're going through your taper now, know things get better! You're just beginning to truly and freely live once you get off benzos. No more worrying about that trip you want to go on, or the plane ride and the constant "did I bring my meds?" I believe God held my hand, protected me through my taper and is guiding me to real healing here and now, and I am praying the same for all of you. Have courage, Keep pushing, and pray like crazy! If I can do it, trust me, you can too.

What a story of resilience and faith in going through the marked suffering you had been experiencing!!! CONGRATULATIONS for getting through the taper and coming out on the other side. You indeed have been through the fire. I agree that faith and prayer has helped. It certainly has helped me. "There are no atheists in foxholes" I think could be an apt saying for what we go through.

I expressed my concerns to my (new) psychiatrist, my fears that a three month taper after 10 years on this medication would be wayyy to fast. He refused to listen, instead laughed at me and would jokingly threaten to pull me off entirely again. Frustrated and scared out of my MIND, I began my taper.

What an absolutely callous man!!! If he had only gone through HALF of what you'd been through, he'd be on his knees whimpering. But you're better than that. Brush him aside because you've made it and know that you are free!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: 

Thank you for your account of your harrowing journey!!! :smitten:

Sarah,

Happy for your strength and resilience! It's a shame doctors are so ignorant of the problems benzos causes. True initially they feel like a miracle drug, but they are an artificial temporary remedy that are not the long term solution. I like you were diagnosed with many diseases, most of which the further I got from the drugs evaporated. They were "drug induced" illnesses. I hope you get more healing the further you get from the K.

Btw, my wife has gastroparesis, so I know how troubling that is....

Prayers,

B strong

Wow thanks for sharing, it’s not easy to relive the pain of withdrawal

and pain. Good on you!

Sarah -  Congratulations on your victory against Benzo hell.  I can see from your story that you had a painful experience.  I too am battling 

with Clonopin withdrawal (almost 4 months since last dose).  Thanks for writing your success story.

Thanks for your inspiring story Sarah!  I think you are right - God does hold our hand through it all, and protects and guides us.

Way to go!!!