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Reinstated tonight lorazapam...


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I'm having a complete nervous breakdown and break from reality. I can barely function I'm so messed up from this. So I took lorazepam as the hospital stole my valium and I have it. I think I can get a whole bottle tomorrow. But I couldn't take another second. After being tortured at the psych ward I now have a complete fear of doctors. My memory is messed up, communication is a major struggle. I lay in my bed all day and watch tv or sleep I can't leave the house, I've only been out twice in two weeks to go to doctors. My whole body is messed up, tremors, pain, nerve pain, back spasms, tremors, stomach like I ate glass. Three week of severe withdrawal and so many symptoms I can't even write them out I"m so messed up I just have to disassociate to survive it all.

 

Tonight I just lost it. I'm sobbing uncontrollably for hours and I can't talk right. Writing this is a real struggle. I can't take care of myself. This had to end. I am so disappointed in myself like I failed. The hospital tortured me, even my psychiatrist agreed.. I feel completely NUTS. Help me. I am desperate for support. They made me think I was crazy, nurses laughing right in front of me saying the withdrawals are in my head, they trapped me in the psych ward and lied and said I was suicidal for two weeks to force me off of 10mg of valium. What the actual F! I really messed up rn.

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I'm sorry you're going through all of this. That wasn't right for the hospital to take your V from you

 

No shame in what you did. You came off of 10mg of V, I'm sure your symptoms are horrific. I know it is horrible, I've tried the cold turkey method. It doesn't work. Tomorrow when you are going to get a bottle, can you get back on your Valium instead? if you don't mind my asking, why did the hospital take your medication from you? :(

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You have a five month gap in your taper schedule. Are you still on the 10mg valium? Why did you go in the hospital to rapid detox instead of finishing your taper? Before you fully reinstate i will remind you of tolerance withdrawl which I am sure you experienced before. Please do all in your power not to throw away the progress you do have by reinstating thus needing to face this all over again. It is difficult to advise you without knowing why you suddenly went in the hospital for a rapid taper. I hope you are feeling better today. Good luck!
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In case anyone thinks I went to the hospital for a rapid detox no, they forced that on me and broke a bunch of laws to do so. I will not continue in extreme withdrawal anymore, so don't even suggest it.

 

Thanks MissedtheBoat, yah I'm planning to get the valium back, I'd called and it had been a lot longer than I though. I also told my doctor and he will help me in the future. It has been excruciating. There has been no progress, just worse and worse wd, completely debilitated and losing it. Thanks for being kind. There seem to be a lot of nasty people on here.

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If you feel you need to reinstate then do so. You won’t get much help on here about this topic because everyone is so against it. I reinstated after 19 months off a ct from 9 months use of Klonapin. I was bedridden hospitalized with over 100 symptoms that were so bad I won’t mention. It can take days to many months to stabilize so it’s something you have to be patient with. I just in the last two months have become much more functional but still have small medium and wtf waves that are getting less and less severe and I reinstated July 9th.
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no problem diana. I hope you can get back on a stable dose and come down very slow this time, no need to torture yourself with overwhelming symptoms. Like theaddictionfairy said, go with Valium or Klonopin, and not Ativan. Best of luck to you!
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I feel about 100 times better than I did. Not everyone has trouble reinstating. It hadn't even been two weeks...sorry to hear if you did I could see why you'd be terrified. Thanks
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If anything, I'm just done with this website. It's really not been that helpful most people don't possess the basic skills of empathy or compassion, just fear and judgement. Shame on you.
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If anything, I'm just done with this website. It's really not been that helpful most people don't possess the basic skills of empathy or compassion, just fear and judgement. Shame on you.

 

I'm sorry Diana.  It just plain sucks that you feel judged - no one should judge you, no one can truly understand your individual situation.  I wish you were able to get the support here you needed. 

I hope you start to feel a bit of relief soon.  I'm sorry for your suffering.

 

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Thanks. It's really hard. I don't know what to do anymore. My impulse control is out the window and I'm on a total rollercoaster and can't get professional support here. Tapering has been extremely hard for me. I need other psych meds but my body has reacted badly or allergically to everything, probably because of the benzos. I don't feel like I'm going to make it.
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Diana,

My heart is aching over what you are dealing with. I took benzos for 30 years. Over time, they started to seriously affect my health. At the very end I weighed 85 lbs and used a damn walker. I am now 69 and healthier than I have been in many years. NO walker down. I was forced to go CT off two benzos ands two ADs. My withdrawal was sheer horror.

I would suggest to you that you read at least 2 pages of my Success Story. It should give you some hope. You CAN recover from this. It will not be easy. It may feel truly horrific. But getting through BWD is a HUGE accomplishment and one you will be proud of forever.

 

I hope you have NOT left BB. Maybe that was just a moment when you felt let down by something someone said. Keep in mind that most people here are still in WD and may not be able to be sensitive. You can always private message me. I have been here for 6.5 years, as long as I have been benzo free.

 

Please don't give up.

east

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Oh thank heavens, you are still with us!

I no longer believe in psych meds. And I am an RN who worked on an acute psych unit and a detox center...several years of this. I have NEVER met a patient who felt their psych drugs helped at all. I used to take two ADs every night. But I remained depressed. Once I got off benzos I knew why they did not help: because  BENZO CAUSE DEPRESSION. BENZOS, IF TAKEN MORE THAN IS SUGGESTED, THROWS EVERYONE INTO TOLERANCE WITHDRAWAL. This concept is hard to get but it is terribly true. Once I got off benzos and healed, I was NO LONGER depressed or even anxious!!!!

 

Tolerance withdrawal happens because benzos are addictive. Over time your body slowly wants a bit more benzos. And your body goes into a sort of constant withdrawal. It is relieved when you take your next dose. But those awful feelings will return when your last dose wears off. In my last 12 years of benzos, I started on Klonapin 2 mgs. After 12 years I was on 6 mgs plus 20 mgs of Ambien. Tolerance withdrawal was CAUSING all my mental health problems. It took me quite a while to understand this stuff. But now I do.

 

 

Feel free to PM me. I know you feel awful.

east

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It's really hard. I don't know what to do anymore. My impulse control is out the window and I'm on a total rollercoaster and can't get professional support here. Tapering has been extremely hard for me. I need other psych meds but my body has reacted badly or allergically to everything, probably because of the benzos. I don't feel like I'm going to make it.

 

:(  Hoping somehow you get what you truly need in all your suffering.  Compassion, understanding, support, and competent medical guidance and care should be a given in all of this, but it's too often a tough and unjust world, I know.  Sending you a buddie hug with sincere compassion.

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I'm so so sorry that happened Diana!

 

When you're feeling well enough please lodge a complain against them, what they did was wrong! You came in on those meds and were not there for a detox!

 

I hope you find a stable place soon love! We all do what we need to do, I reinstated and updosed (failed rapid taper), I'm still not better, I dont think name brand K is for me, and sadly cant switch to V.

Just struggling best I can to stabilize.

 

Some here are completely against reinstating and all meds, but then some of us cant live with the symptoms and need some relief (I went psychotic and thankfully knew enough not to go to the hospital at that time, cant even imagine the meds I'd be on if I had) Or are at an age where we still need to work, if I lose my job, I lose my insurance which will mean CT off of AD, Klonopin, Heart medication and pain med. I did finally go inpaitent and got my ADs switched and Gabapentin added while I was in hospital, perhaps one day I will go off all of my drugs, but I look at how I was before them and dont want to be that person either.

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If anything, I'm just done with this website. It's really not been that helpful most people don't possess the basic skills of empathy or compassion, just fear and judgement. Shame on you.

 

There is tons of good support and experience here.

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So sorry for your extreme suffering diana23. For the love of God, if you were somehow managing on Valium, I don't see the psych ward's logic in forcing you off in two weeks. That kind of severe detox that the psych ward did never helped anyone. I'm sorry they'd taken your valium away.

 

Hope you can somehow hang on and get better.

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I'm so so sorry that happened Diana!

 

When you're feeling well enough please lodge a complain against them, what they did was wrong! You came in on those meds and were not there for a detox!

 

I hope you find a stable place soon love! We all do what we need to do, I reinstated and updosed (failed rapid taper), I'm still not better, I dont think name brand K is for me, and sadly cant switch to V.

Just struggling best I can to stabilize.

 

Some here are completely against reinstating and all meds, but then some of us cant live with the symptoms and need some relief (I went psychotic and thankfully knew enough not to go to the hospital at that time, cant even imagine the meds I'd be on if I had) Or are at an age where we still need to work, if I lose my job, I lose my insurance which will mean CT off of AD, Klonopin, Heart medication and pain med. I did finally go inpaitent and got my ADs switched and Gabapentin added while I was in hospital, perhaps one day I will go off all of my drugs, but I look at how I was before them and dont want to be that person either.

 

 

 

Have you stabilized yet? I was reading your signature.

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I hope you are still here . I am close to where you are and haven't been on due to wild panic /anxiety . I ended Dec 18  from a 5 yr taper at about 1/16th of a mg a day , but I will admit I was tiring , sick and very underweight and bedridden  and went the final 2 MGS in 2 months which was a large mistake but I had to do this on my own and my source had dried up , I could find no Dr to supervise me and the Dr who had placed me on such a high dose has long been suspended for doing this to a lot of us  . During the last 5 years my apt building burned to the ground ( 7/17 ) and the love of my life died ( 1/18) suddenly , he had been a lurker here for years and I'd been following the taper but had to spend a long time stabilizing at various points .

I am writing to you from the bathroom floor because my stomach has been extremely tight the last few days and Ihave to get in these odd positions to stabilize my heart rate . The orthostatic hypertension I never had in my life ,  is now incredible and I have developed Neuropathy and /or a contracture in a long ago crushed leg  . My family is trying to feed me but Iweigh 107 up from 104 at 5'6" last month. I am out of it . Some days more than others . Ihave zero medical care and I have been trying and I am in horrible pain from my leg .     

My roommate ( AKA legal husband - so he is able to help me with decisions thank goodness and I'm grateful we are still close  ) has been taking care of me 24/7 as well as 2 of my grown children and I seem to be way worse than I ever thought almost a month out . They are very worried . We moved from Seattle last July to this awful backwards place in Oregon so my roommate could be near his job and take care of me . This has been a complete disaster. He has had to take leave of abscense .  NO one here is able or willing to help me in anyway , so I share your anger at allot of the medical community. During one trip to the ER I had 2 nurses and the Dr tell me to go home and take my Benzo .  Ican barely walk and throwing the names of horrible neuro diseases around does not help . It took months to get in to see anyone . We are going one last time to a Dr on Thurs and if we get no help ( most people here stare at us like we are all insane  or offer me counseling )  we are leaving . In the middle of my youngests senior year . I will have to be transported laying down .  They say I am imagining all of this or it is panic only .

I will never judge anyone if you reinstate . I would like a muscle relaxer and someone with a brain, personally, and a way to control my wildly fluctuating body temp . I am torn up , health completely ruined, I am sick and frightened .  You are not alone . Do whatever you can to stabilize .  I went through this but not as bad in 2005 . Went to my Dr for help and the Dr that put me on this told me I was having a nervous breakdown and put me on what would be 8 MGS a day in small doses .  I learned I was right , but too late , now look at me . I am not Dr bashing but relating what actually happened .  Know you are not alone . 

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I also wanted to say I can relate to your hospital experience but with mine they yelled out that I was UNEMPLOYED AND ON MEDICAID so loud you could hear it across the world then plopped the bill down on my stomach . I was assigned a social worker to try to help me get care while at the ER and he made a very loaded political statement that was frankly terrifying , I stared at him in disbelief and he got his answer . We never heard from him and he would not return our calls . He was to order home health , therapy , nutritional therapy , many things . I am going to get nothing .    These people should not be in medical care . We are going to try to go back to Seattle or at least to Portland where there are humans.   
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Blue, I am sop sorry you were treated like that. Even if we are poor, no one should speak to us like that. I am speaking as a poor person, because I am. My main income is SS and whatever I earn on side jobs. I am also an RN of many years. I know how hospitals can be. Awful.

 

I would like to know more about your leg. I had a severe fracture of my right femur, thanks to benzos. I used to fall a lot. Thirty years of benzos can and will do that to you. One of my many falls broke my femur, a crushing fracture with the bone in little tiny bits. The pain was so severe I fainted several times despite  my being given morphine. Okay, fast forward to today. I am almost 69 years old now. 6.5 years off benzos and now am incredibly healthy except for two things. Hypertension and a condition caused by my (AWFUL) lifelong smoking habit. Getting OFF benzos did that for me. I am now basically a normal woman.

 

Tell me about your leg. You can PM me about this if it suits you.

east

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So sorry for your extreme suffering diana23. For the love of God, if you were somehow managing on Valium, I don't see the psych ward's logic in forcing you off in two weeks. That kind of severe detox that the psych ward did never helped anyone. I'm sorry they'd taken your valium away.

 

Hope you can somehow hang on and get better.

 

I got taken off four times that amount in a few weeks and I survived and got better.

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So sorry for your extreme suffering diana23. For the love of God, if you were somehow managing on Valium, I don't see the psych ward's logic in forcing you off in two weeks. That kind of severe detox that the psych ward did never helped anyone. I'm sorry they'd taken your valium away.

 

Hope you can somehow hang on and get better.

 

I got taken off four times that amount in a few weeks and I survived and got better.

 

I am glad it worked out for you.

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