Wanting to Quit

Some back story on myself. I’m 49 years old, good marriage, great kid, my business is killing it. So from the outside everything is perfect but, alas, it is not.

 

Started when I had major liver problems. I turned completely yellow and lost 45lbs. I drink wine daily but I know a lot of people that do. It did not make sense. Come to find out I have something called a Alpha One Syndrome which effects your lungs and liver. You absolutely can’t drink or smoke anymore. I still did not believe it started having my daily glasses of wine and, you guessed it, back to hospital.

 

My GI guy is the type of doctor that does not “follow the book” like so many doctors. He thinks outside the box. He sent my to a psychiatrist friend of his and I knew why. The psychiatrist gave me a script for .05 mgs of Klonopin.

 

You know the rest of the story. Soon I started saving all three pills for one dose. I decided it was crap I have to wait 30 days to get my script and wanted more so I found a connection. Too good of a connection very cheap, very cheap Ritrovil.

 

The most I have taken at 1 time: 14 mgs. And although being pretty trashed it was not noticed by my drunken friends.

 

The most I have taken in a day: 32mgs spread out in four doses.

 

I was taking 16mgs a day divided into two servings.

 

I’ve cut it back to 12 mgs a day. 3 2mg pills twice a day.

 

I know that still is a ton for some people but I’m actually proud of myself for getting it down to 12 mgs a day.

 

I want off permanently. I am thinking about doing this for another week. Then drop to 9mgs the next week then drop another two mgs each week until I finish.

 

Thoughts?

 

Btw, I am not a big weed smoker but will be smoking during this time. I get so high I could care less about kpins.

 

And, yes, I go to AA twice a week. Just got my two year sober chip. Of course I’m not clean but I have not had any alcohol in over two years.

Congratulations on your two years!  That's amazing and something to be grateful for. So happy for you and your family that you are where you are. That chip is proof that you can do this, too. But going from 12 to 9 is too fast. I would encourage you to drop to 11 first, wait 2 weeks, drop to 10, wait 2 weeks, drop to 9. After that you might have to slow down a little. You won't know until you try. Klonopin is notorious for having withdrawal kick you in the butt weeks or even a month after a cut, so it is something to be cautious about. And symptoms are all about percentage cut, not amount, so as you get lower, smaller cuts are necessitated. Either way,  congratulations on your accomplishments so far and good luck!

Ok. I am down to 8 mgs a day. 4mgs afternoon. 4 mgs at night. Drastic cutting but wanted to get to this before I start micro dosing. Right now I just feel like hell. I feel like I have the flu. This is something I expected and can deal with it. I have my own company so I can go home and lay down anytime I want. I am staying on this dose for a few weeks and then start micro dosing. My question is how long will this last and, more importantly, do I risk having a seizure by cutting so quickly? I can deal with feeling like hell. My main thing is not having a seizure. I will say about a week ago I was laying down and got up too fast and immediately crashed to the floor. Just massive head rush and down. I got right back up. It was in front of my wife who has no idea I have this problem. I blamed it on not eating. She is already wondering why I constantly sleep. Anyway, any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hi Doublewide,

 

I had 10 years of sobriety from alcohol when I tried my first Klonopin, I knew I was in trouble when it felt like that first drink, you know the ahhhh feeling?  I kept it up, increasing the dose depending on the situation or if I was beginning to experience interdose withdrawal, regardless, I had a reason for everything I did, until I didn't.  I quit cold turkey not realizing the danger or the pain I was inflicting on myself.  It took me months to find my way here to understand what had happened to me.  By that time, I had to live with what I'd done, see the cold turkey through and be at the mercy of my symptoms. 

 

It appears to me that you have a choice, you can hold off and take it a bit slower, learn about the process and accept what you have to do to get past this.  It's not an AA meeting, nothing in those rooms can prepare you for the pain you're going to endure, only those here can understand it. 

 

 

Talk to your wife, let her know what you're up against, you're going to need her on your side while you do this, it might take awhile.  Stick around and find others who are living what you are and ask questions, the more you understand the better to fight the fear which is a huge component of this process.

 

Take care and as they same in the room, keep coming back.

 

Heretohelp

 

Someone out there like me. You quit cold turkey? I can endure the pain in withdrawal. As I said I just don’t want to have a seizure. I am going to quit. I just need to do it a little slower. I am going to stay where I’m at for another week or so then cut .5 mg per week until completion. If I have any complications that are just too much I will updose again for a while then give it another try. I am just going to keep plugging away.

Hi Doublewide,

 

Yes, I quit cold turkey, I didn't know I needed to taper but being what and who I am, I probably wouldn't have been able to anyway.  It was the worst experience of my life, I don't wish it on anyone, including you.  What you need to understand is that getting off of this drug quickly doesn't mean you will get better once you're off of it.  When I quit, I got worse and worse for weeks and those weeks turned into months.  I had no idea what was happening to me until I came here and once I did, I learned the truth.  Getting the drug out of your body is just the beginning, it takes months and possibly years before your central nervous system heals itself, especially at the high doses you and I took.

 

I don't want to discourage you, but the reason for getting off the drug slowly is so that you can hopefully live your life during the process, the last thing you need is to be housebound, unable to take care of business.  Once you're off the drug, your body will still be finding it's way back, so please consider going slow, and don't updose once you make a cut.  I've seen many members do this and it doesn't seem to bring the relief they seek because once your body has reacted to the cut, it's very difficult to turn it back around.

 

And once again, I implore you to speak with your wife, you're going to need her in your corner.  I had to let my family know that I'd compromised my sobriety, they felt betrayed and I was ashamed, but I couldn't have hidden what was happening to me, that would have made it worse. 

 

Heretohelp

 

 

 

 

Big thanks for the response. I go to AA to stay away from booze which I will die if I drink. I’m not going to bring this up with them. I go there to get things off my chest and listen to others successes and failures. I truly have zero desire to drink now. This drug did help me get my start to not drinking. It was exactly what I was looking for. I was prescribed .5 mgs 3 times daily. I honestly had no idea of the incredible physical addiction to this drug. I knew it was addictive but just thought I would easily be able to come off it. So I started popping them like candy. No set routine. I would usually take 16 mgs a day split into two doses. Then I started thinking this was really pulling me down. I was not doing my best even though I thought I was. I also was having massive memory issues, breathing difficulty, ED. So I thought this was ridiculous and I need to get off this. I had already started tapering when I thought I would do a little research on the easiest way to get off. I think this website was my first stop. It was only then that I realized I was taking massive amounts and also learned how incredibly hard it is to get off of these. I have cut down to 8 mgs a day dosed twice a day. I know that still is a huge amount but I am thrilled to get to this point. My last cut was the first time I am seeing withdrawal symptoms. I currently feel as though I have the flu. Tired as hell, slight fever, a lot of coughing. Hell I could just be plain sick but I think the timing is too ironic.

 

Oh, I can’t tell my wife. She is still a big drinker and we fight when she gets trashed. She is wrong when these things happen. I tell her I have been addicted to K for two years she automatically gets a get out of jail free card. All the problems we have had (and they are always about how she acts when she is trashed) will be blamed on my Klonopin addiction.

Hi Doublewide,

 

Thanks for explaining a bit more of your family dynamic, I can see this struggle is yours and yours alone, so we'll do all we can to support you through it, enough said.

 

Oh, wouldn't it be great if we could take a pill to end our alcohol addiction with no strings attached, and wouldn't it be just as great if we easily end our benzo dependence, yeah and if pigs could fly.  Dang it, there are no easy outs it seems, so here we are. 

 

When I was on the Klonopin, I didn't go back to alcohol, for which I'm extremely grateful and even when I quit the drug, I was never tempted to drink.  I was in so much pain, I intuitively figured it would hurt me more than ever.  I tried to go back to the rooms to gain a sense of community, but the pain I was experiencing was too great, crowds scared me, hell, everything scared me so I reached out to the folks here and found my community.  Trouble is, most of the folks here were accidental addicts, victims of their Dr's who couldn't relate to my circumstances, but I found empathy, and that was enough. 

 

You sound very determined, I admire that, use it to your advantage and keep you eyes on the goal.  You want to be benzo and alcohol free and you will be, there are just a few bumps along the road before you get there.  It's going to hurt and you'll be challenged in ways you never imagined, but I promise you that you can do this, you can achieve sobriety and come out whole on the other side.  Even with the high doses you've been taking, it's possible for your central nervous system to repair itself, the body is amazing, so have faith, keep going SLOW and know you'll heal, we all do. 

 

Heretohelp

 

Yes, I thought I found a miracle drug. I can’t drink anymore because I have what’s called Alpha One Syndrome. If you have this you can not drink or smoke or you will die. How did I find out about this? I basically turned completely yellow and lost 40 lbs. I had ascites (swelling of stomach) so bad that they gave me morphine for the pain before basically they stuck a straw in my side and took out about three pints of fluid. I enjoyed drinking wine in the evening to relax and unwind. A few glasses. Weekends I would turn it up a bit. I was an alcoholic and I would not deny it. But I know many people my age that drink a lot more than I did and for longer periods of time. So my doctor said no more drinking. I said I would stop and did for about a year and really did not believe I had major liver problems. So I thought I would just do occasional drinking. What happened? Same thing as last time. Back to hospital. That’s when my GI recommended a psychiatrist/ pain management doctor. They figured I could not stop drinking and, to keep me alive, put me on the Klonopin. I can’t believe I was such an idiot to not even researched the drug. The difference between Klonopin and alcohol is the physical withdrawal. I was not drinking enough to have any physical withdrawals. It was all mental. I was told I had to stop drinking starting today. Tough deal. I joined AA and started the Klonopin. I have been sober for about 2.5 years. I have zero desire to drink now. Zero. I want to stop Klonopin but my body won’t let me. I don’t care to take them anymore. Although I am now down to “only” 8mgs per day it does nothing for me.

 

By the way, I just could not understand why my liver was bad. It wasn’t until my cousin said I need to be checked for Alpha One. She said she had it (she does not drink) and that my aunt also had it and she passed away at 40 from emphysema. Recently my younger sister was diagnosed with the same thing I have. Liver disease.

Just went to doctor and explained my symptoms: fever, sneezing, runny nose, congestion in chest. He tested me for the flu. It came back negative but he said he has seen quite a few false negatives lately and he said he thinks I do have flu and is treating it as such. Gave me Tamiflu and a chest expectorant. My question is is this the symptoms of benzo withdrawal or do you think I do have the flu?

You could definitely have the flu. Or some kind of chest infection. Klon suppresses your breathing, makes you breathe more shallowly without you knowing it, so it can make you more susceptible to such things. Take the expectorant, as it will work no matter what, and drink LOTS of water. Also I recommend adding docusate sodium because the combo of Klon and expectorant can really plug you up if you're not careful. :/ (learned that the hard way...)

Thanks. I have had difficulty breathing normally for some time. One of the many reasons I want to quit. I don’t really notice until I’m working out or doing something heavy physically. I like to lift weights. I still workout but it just takes me a lot longer in between sets. I had no idea what the problem was. I even went to doctor and they ran a battery of tests. They could not find anything. I recently changed meds of something I take every day and he said that might be the problem and it may take a while for my body to get used to it. It was not until I came to this board did I realize what the true problem is.

Hello Doublewide,

 

It sounds like you've faced some challenging health issues, I've never heard of Alpha 1, but I'm glad you were diagnosed so you could make the lifesaving choice to quit drinking.  Now, to deal with the "fix" your Dr's gave you for the alcohol, what a mess!  It sounds to me like you have the flu too and at least if you get treated for it, you may feel a bit better.

 

I used to feel like I had an elephant sitting on my chest, I wanted so badly to take a big relaxing deep breath but it was impossible.  I think it's great you can still work out, distraction is so important in this process, it's so much better than focusing on every withdrawal symptom.

 

Heretohelp 

 

Ok. Still getting over the flu but feeling better on that end. So I was taking ridiculous amounts and really had no idea of the withdrawal problem. My post is above. I’m down to 7 mgs a day. I’ve dropped fairly rapidly without any symptoms. Until now. All of a sudden I really don’t want to leave the house. I really am kind of panicking when I have to speak to someone. I am really having a hard time making it through the day because I am completely exhausted. However, I get out there and do it. My job requires me to speak to people constantly. I have to get out there and do it. I have a company that I have employees. I can’t just disappear. That’s another thing. I’ve been constantly thinking my business is going to crash. I have to step back and tell myself we just had our best year ever. In 20 years. And I’m freaking out the ship is sinking when it could not be better. I’m anchoring down here at 7 for a while. When I feel better I will just make lighter cuts. This is a supreme pain in my ass. I have never had these feelings before. I’m going to get this done. It’s just going to take a hell of a lot longer than I thought. Thanks for letting me vent. Feel better already.

Hey Doublewide! Glad you are recovering from the flu!

 

It looks like you cut 42% in about a month. Not a big surprise that you are having some significant symptoms. That number might be off a little bit because you were using "street" before, and you have no way of knowing for sure how much active ingredient was in those. Most likely when you got the Rx pills, it was a bit of an updose, so whatever that amount was, you tapered that part off with ease since you hadn't been on it long, if that makes sense. But we can assume you genuinely tapered down a good part of that, so you certainly earned the anxiety you are feeling.

Something to keep in mind: some people are fast metabolizers, so there are exceptions,  but most people suffering withdrawal symptoms from a long half life drug like klonopin notice a significant delay between a cut and symptoms. For me, when I initially cut too much, I started having symptoms after about a week, but they reached their peak A FULL MONTH AFTER THE CUT!!!

 

So, holding is a good idea, because all of your cuts probably haven't even caught up to you yet. When you are ready, I recommend starting a slow daily microtaper. If you are going to want to continue cutting your tablets to taper, so you are able to take your doses in pill form, you should order a gem20 milligram scale for Amazon to prepare. If you want to do a liquid taper, and take your doses in liquid form with oral syringes, you will need to order syringes for that. I encourage you to determine loosely your plan while you are holding, so you can avoid this discomfort in the future.

 

Let us know if you need any help or have any questions!

Thanks wavesontheshore. You have been such a big help. I know I was cutting fast too fast. But I did not really realize the amount I was taking was pretty high. So if I were to start microdosing starting out it would take me years. At least I’m down to 7 mgs now. At least now I have at least some hope I won’t be doing this for years. I’m certainly holding here for a few weeks and then I will have a game plan. I, actually, do have a fast metabolism. I have worked out my entire adult life. About a year ago I decided I wanted to get cut. I figured it would be so much easier now that I don’t drink. For the past 20 years I have maintained a weight around 200 lbs. Well I decided to not really call it a diet but a lifestyle change in regards to my eating. I always ate decent but I changed to super high protein, high good fat and low carb diet. I’ve been doing this at least a year. I am currently at 180 lbs at 9-10% bodyfat. And I’m as strong now as I was in my 20’s. I am ripped. Don’t want to lose anymore weight so I’m holding here and now trying to gain quality muscle by eating more. My appetite has not been affected by the withdrawal symptoms. My main problem is my breathing. This is what made me want to quit in the first place. I can lift heavy but it just takes me a lot longer in between sets. I now know that the massive amounts of Klonopin I was taking and still taking has caused the breathing issues. That is how I found out how hard it was to get off this stuff. Like I said. I’m not craving more Klonopin right now at all. So if this was a mental addiction I could stop right now with no problems. But, alas, it is very physically addictive. I’m determined to get off this stuff. Also, I was not on a “schedule” when I was taking this. Some days I would take zero. Some days I would take 4 mgs. More often than not I would take 4mg mid afternoon and 4mg in evening. Weekends I might take a lot more than that. Just going to keep pushing.

Also, I was taking 2mg Ritrivol tabs sent to me from overseas. Not one of those ridiculous Chinese or India sources. I have taken those and knew right away they were fake. Quite honestly I like the taste of Klonopin. I found an incredible source and if they are fake then they are very high quality fakes. I tasted the taste and felt that feeling.

Ok. Still getting over the flu but feeling better on that end. So I was taking ridiculous amounts and really had no idea of the withdrawal problem. My post is above. I’m down to 7 mgs a day. I’ve dropped fairly rapidly without any symptoms. Until now. All of a sudden I really don’t want to leave the house. I really am kind of panicking when I have to speak to someone. I am really having a hard time making it through the day because I am completely exhausted. However, I get out there and do it. My job requires me to speak to people constantly. I have to get out there and do it. I have a company that I have employees. I can’t just disappear. That’s another thing. I’ve been constantly thinking my business is going to crash. I have to step back and tell myself we just had our best year ever. In 20 years. And I’m freaking out the ship is sinking when it could not be better. I’m anchoring down here at 7 for a while. When I feel better I will just make lighter cuts. This is a supreme pain in my ass. I have never had these feelings before. I’m going to get this done. It’s just going to take a hell of a lot longer than I thought. Thanks for letting me vent. Feel better already.

 

Hi Doublewide,

 

I picked up on the fear and some of the obsessive thinking you've been experiencing, that's very typical and can be paralyzing so I'm glad to hear you've been doing your best to push past it.  I agree with wavesontheshore, this isn't a race to be done, it's how to stay functional while you do this and tapering slowly is the best option.

 

I didn't crave the klonopin after my cold turkey, I craved relief but knew it would only set me back so I held fast and didn't reinstate.  Of course, I didn't even know what happened to me because it was months later that I found this place and finally understood. 

 

I'm glad you're eating well and taking care of yourself, it's so important to get up every day and find ways to distract yourself, it sounds like your life provides you with plenty of that, so keep up the good work. 

 

P.S. I remember liking the taste of those darn pills too, such a strange thing to admit.

 

Heretohelp

 

Hey heretohelp!

 

Thank you so much for being here to help! So grateful that you are healed! And grateful to have a hopeful voice like yours around here, especially for the C/T folks, but also for all the rest of us.

 

*hugs*

Hey heretohelp!

 

Thank you so much for being here to help! So grateful that you are healed! And grateful to have a hopeful voice like yours around here, especially for the C/T folks, but also for all the rest of us.

 

*hugs*

 

Hi wavesontheshore,

 

Thanks for the shout out, I'm happy to help where I can.  It's been many years since I went through withdrawal and while reading these posts brings back painful memories, that's all there are, just memories with no power to hurt me.

 

I wish you healing, and thank you for helping your Buddies out, there is no one who understands this process better than those living it, unfortunately.

 

Heretohelp

 

So I finally feel normal again. Tough little patch there. Today is the first day I worked a complete day while speaking again with no fear. I think I’m back. I’m back and taking 7 mgs a day but I am back. Sit at this dose for a while. Dammit, I don’t want to deal with this but you know what? I’m going to kick it’s ass. May take a while but I am going to take that final fucking jump.

Hi Doublewide,

 

I'm so glad to hear you made it through that rough patch, you have such a great attitude.  Here on the forum we call the good times windows, it's like a window opens up and you feel like yourself again, there's no pain or fear.  But typically the window closes again and we call what comes next waves.  Some are swells that keep building until they crash over you and you feel like you'll drown in them and others are shallow without the power to drown, but to certainly be uncomfortable.

 

I think one of the most distressing aspects of this journey is it's not linear, there's no straight line to recovery, it's one step forward and two steps back at times until you reach the magic moment when you can finally feel confident that you've truly healed.

 

Heretohelp

Down to 5 mgs a day. No problems since I went down too fast as mentioned above. Staying here for a while and then will cut again. My goal (I have not put pencil to paper to come up with this goal) is to make final jump by Summer. I hope sooner but will have to work with what my body tells me to do.