Crisis

Does anyone else feel like future or goal oriented thinking is overwhelming? During this period of withdrawal I have struggled so much with depression. Its so hard to keep my brain from drifting into negativity. I look around and all I think is "everyone is just existing for some pointless reason and its all for nothing." That thought alone will throw my anxiety into overdrive. I feel like I'm literally surviving each day to make the proverbial check mark on the calendar. I suppose I'm literally having an existential crisis.

 

I look back and I know I have struggled with depression before. I feel like its never been this bad. Is anyone else struggling with this severe depression and existential crisis? How are you handling it? Can anyone speak to the timeline of their depression and when they started to feel again? I'm so desperate for support right now.

 

My biggest fear is suicidal thinking. It scares me to think my depression could get that bad. I literally work in the mental health profession. I go to work everyday and talk to people about their problems. It is so hard to hear people come to me in the hospital who are feeling suicidal. I wonder to myself, what separates us right now? How can I possibly help someone else when I feel like all of my wounds are bleeding and my soul is raw. Its not like I can just stop working. I am the "breadwinner." I have so many responsibilities. I know I'm rambling now and dwelling again on the negative. Will this depression ever get better? :'(

 

 

Just wanted to say hello and that you are not alone in this. You will be ok. Just please take this one day at a time. It will improve.  It does get better. I am glad you are reaching out.

Thanks Lorazepamfree2015. It brings tears to my eyes reading your post. I just needed to hear I wasn't alone and that there is hope. This is such a lonely time.

LF is right. You're not the only one. The thing is, "you" are not thinking like that. The meds are making you think that. Try to remember that if you can. It must be very hard working in mental health when you're feeling like that. Keep hanging on.... Gxxx

Hey, 19daysandcounting. I am sorry you are experiencing the depression that comes from quitting benzos. Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. I have been feeling this crazy level of depression basically nine months now but it's been really bad the past 6.5 months, since early June. I don't have any answers for you as to when it gets better, as mine has not gotten better after over nine months. My mind constantly drifts into negativity and I think everything is pointless right now, including my job.

 

The suicidal ideation scares the hell out of me too. I know I don't want to die. And like Gilly said, it's best to know that this is from the drugs. But yet I question constantly that it could be something else too. I have also suffered from situational depression in my life that was nothing like this. I often wonder if I will make it through this. If you need to PM me, feel free. I'm curious how long you've been off meds.

Thanks so much for all the support! It is welcomed. You are right. I have to remember so much of this is from the medication.

Boomboxboy I am 26 days off of Klonopin. I took it for 4 years. Im sorry you are still depressed after 9 months. Ive read other post from other members saying their depression lifted at 10 months or 14 months ect. That is hope. I guess we are all doing this one day at a time.

Thanks so much for all the support! It is welcomed. You are right. I have to remember so much of this is from the medication.

Boomboxboy I am 26 days off of Klonopin. I took it for 4 years. Im sorry you are still depressed after 9 months. Ive read other post from other members saying their depression lifted at 10 months or 14 months ect. That is hope. I guess we are all doing this one day at a time.

JUst look at how good you're doing! 26days off and still working! That in itself is an amazing achievement!! I think symptoms will pass quickly for you

I'm sorry you're going through this and know how hard it is. Whenever I got to a point where i felt everything was pointless I accepted the pointlessness and just did something I liked for myself, without caring about being goal oriented or doing something for others. It could just be going on a bike ride, walking in the woods, or reading a book. I like going to art museums too. Getting my mind off my worries gave some relief from the rut of being depressed about the state of my life and gave my brain a break from the darkness.

 

I found things got better once I got off Klonopin but it took a long time to get to the right state of mind where I wasn't dwelling in negative moods all the time. I found it helped to see a therapist to talk about how I felt. I also keep a journal and it's a way for me to get my feelings out so that they don't just linger in my mind in a foggy darkness. I can often write down what is bothering me and over the course of writing I'll talk myself out of my negative mood.

 

There's a book called "Managing Your Depression" and I check it out from the library every time I start feeling down. It's a really simple, quick read and helps identify when a depressive episode is coming on and how to deal with it early and when it's happening. I found it to be a great resource.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Managing-Your-Depression-Better-Hopkins/dp/142140947X

 

Hope you're having a better time of it and wish you a pleasant new year. Hang in there!

Thank God you guys are in here encouraging others.  Bless you.

Yup, I can relate to this. I'm dealing with some pretty awful depression at 4 months out. I know it wasn't always this bad, and that gives me hope that it will pass. My job is also very emotionally demanding and requires me to help other people manage crisis and set goals when I feel like I'm barely hanging on myself. Other symptoms have abated, and eventually this will too.

 

Gwinna

Hang in there Gwinna. We will get through this rough time. Hopefully sooner than later.

19, I think the depression is the worst part of tapering. I read the post by Parker “what is happening t your brain” it was very helpful to me. Apparently dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine all get down-regulated when you begin to take away the Benzo. So, all of the stuff that makes us want to live life, what gives us our spirit, our motivation, or hope and joy, are greatly diminished. Just taking the drug, as we still are doing during a taper, is linked with new or worsening depression. Our brains are lying to us. I am totally empty and have been for 8 months since the taper got rough. They main reason I am holding is the depression. The comfort I have is knowing it is not just me. It seems to be rare not to be depressed to some degree. I try to remember this is not the way I was. This is not me. But I know that is hard.Esperanza

Thanks Esperanza. I agree with you. I have to remember, this is not who I am. This is not who I am.

Oh yes, I too, have this critical philosophical dialog charging through my mind. And the negative pull can be overwhelming. I try to tell myself that the point of existence is to extend or help others - in my case, animals. But I see endless suffering and it really wears me down. Wish I could cry but I can't express or feel much of anything but depression, guilt and despair. These intrusive thoughts seem more alive than I am, they are not real, so I'm told! The one thing I do, if not just to halt the thought process, is to meditate as often as I can focus, which is not so often. I sort of need to go into it will an empty attitude - neither positive or negative. It can help suspend my mind from the insanity, if only for a few moments.

So sorry you are in this state of crisis - I can appreciate how rough going it really is. Your story is very well written and speaks volumes about what many of us go through - thanks for the post.

Hey 19days

 

I know I try to focus on the positive and joke around some on the site, but I get what you mean about the 'existential crisis' of it all.  Now that the crazy, really crazy, anxiety is calming down there's a sort of 'oh, why bother with anything' sort of attitude settling in.  I think that's dopamine not functioning.  I think dopamine is the neurotransmitter - controlled by GABA, of course - that gives us our drive and sense of accomplishment.

 

It's all part of the healing process probably.  Maybe we are right on track, exactly where we are supposed to be in our healing journey and it's just another corner to be turned.  Everything healing in it's own time, in it's own way.  I've noticed a pattern in other people's stories...where they hit a wall with despondency at a certain point. 

 

Hang tough, my friend.