Depression is overwhelming

I don't know how to even tell someone. I've never been able to say it out loud to anyone. Not a Doctor, friend, or family member. Whenever I've been asked if I'm depressed I either deny it or say, "maybe, I'm not sure." It's just really getting scary lately. So many things are coming at me at once that I have to tell my doctor about this. Every time I go to see the Dr though, I pretend that everything is fine. Sometimes even tell him I can do another dose drop when I'm not even sure i'm ready. I'm always afraid that if I tell a doctor what's really going through my head that they will force me into the stress center. They are going to think I want to die and send me away. The intrusive thoughts and feeling backed into a corner by everything in life is just really getting to me. Every day is exactly the same and it's destroying me! I have to tell someone, but I know they will throw more pills at me or worse.

Depression is not uncommon with this Benzo thing and can really be horrendous - and sooooo tough to cope with all by yourself, so my family, close friends etc. would always be informed. A psychiatrist should know all about that. They can't force you to take anything or go anywhere you don't want unless you tell them you have plans to end your life, which you can, of course, decide to keep to yourself - that's up to you. My doctors always knew I was depressed, extremely so. They only had me locked up in the MH facility when I had attempted to or said I intended to end my life. When I was released, they'd have me sign a sort of contract - just stating I promised to hang around awhile. No worries. Of course, after that, I'd tell them about being depressed but as far as anything beyond that, well I feel that's my business - but that's just me. I'm not advocating anything, one way or another, just trying inform you of the reality of the situation. Noticed you were at 3mg/day of K - that's quite a bit, definitely need to monitor closely when tapering off. Best to you -

Depression is not uncommon with this Benzo thing and can really be horrendous - and sooooo tough to cope with all by yourself, so my family, close friends etc. would always be informed. A psychiatrist should know all about that.[/i]

 

I can see how horrendous it can be  My family knows about what I'm going through, but they don't really understand it, unfortunately. She didn't understand why I didn't want to go to khols or out to eat with her and I told her that I'm having anxiety due to withdrawal.  We started talking about my social anxiety and my doctor visits, and she asked me if I was molested, or if something bad happened to me. My best friend knows I'm anxious, yet he still asked me to be his best man at his wedding in March, it's like people outside of this community don't really understand how bad anxiety can get. I get to talk to a few people on here about it but outside of that it doesn't seem like anyone understands.

 

They can't force you to take anything or go anywhere you don't want unless you tell them you have plans to end your life, which you can, of course, decide to keep to yourself - that's up to you.

 

And nah, I mean I'm really depressed but I don't plan to end my life. I just get those intrusive thoughts like most people in benzo withdrawal get and they really scare me the last few months! I'm just scared to mention those thoughts I guess. I had an overdose last month that landed me in the hospital for a week, and 4 days on life support, so I'm afraid if I mention depression and those thoughts they will think that I actually want to go through with them.

How did you overdose?  Are you taking something else?  You are tapering very fast, in my opinion.  It's no wonder you feel awful.  Maybe you have to slow down. 

How did you overdose?  Are you taking something else?  You are tapering very fast, in my opinion.  It's no wonder you feel awful.  Maybe you have to slow down. 

 

It's embarrassing but it was an accident. The hospital thought it was on purpose, and even put me in the risk section of the hospital when I left ICU. Which is why I'm afraid to tell my Dr that the "i should off myself" thought crosses my mind every day, I do not want to go back to that place again! I like living, even if I have cut myself off from the outside. I don't want them to get the wrong idea. I'm just really depressed not suicidal. I was taking something to help me deal with the pain during the taper and it ended in an overdose. I don't remember, but from my klonopin count after the OD it looks like I took 15mg of the K and blew my taper!

 

And yea, I think you may be right. I've been trying to go down a .25 per month lately, but right after the overdose, I was dropped 33.3% of my dose. The hospital did that, not my doctor. After I was already a week into it I decided to stick with it and not turn back, and I've been feeling like a nut case ever since. But this months visit to the Dr I told him it's time to HOLD and I might just tell him that again in January if I still feel crazy like I'm living in a dream world.

I don't know how to even tell someone. I've never been able to say it out loud to anyone. Not a Doctor, friend, or family member. Whenever I've been asked if I'm depressed I either deny it or say, "maybe, I'm not sure." It's just really getting scary lately. So many things are coming at me at once that I have to tell my doctor about this. Every time I go to see the Dr though, I pretend that everything is fine. Sometimes even tell him I can do another dose drop when I'm not even sure i'm ready. I'm always afraid that if I tell a doctor what's really going through my head that they will force me into the stress center. They are going to think I want to die and send me away. The intrusive thoughts and feeling backed into a corner by everything in life is just really getting to me. Every day is exactly the same and it's destroying me! I have to tell someone, but I know they will throw more pills at me or worse.

 

I know the feeling - ". . . feeling backed into a corner by everything in life . . ." that's a good way to put it. It is so rough, I know - am so sorry. You should be able to tell someone as long as you tell you are not suicidal, in case they ask, which they will no doubt. If you can't tell your doc, a psychiatrist or psychologist would listen to you without having you put in a psyche unit - as long as you just make it clear you are not suicidal.