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I Feel HAPPY and WELL!


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Two Christmases ago, I was in desperate straits and scared, trying to trust the stories by those who had withdrawn benzos and said they felt great, that healing comes.  It was not hope for then I could not feel hope - and I had many horrific symptoms. And went through this alone, without spouse or family (or too-busy friends).

 

This Christmas I feel HAPPY and WELL.  And get this: I feel happy and well despite having had EColi this fall requiring four courses of antibiotics - and the stomach flu last week (to be clear I did not feel happy and well while in the midst of those).  This is not a window, it is consistent - the windows were like prophecies of what later would come and be consistent.  I feel really truly happy, I can smile from the inside out, laugh, feel more patience, awe and the beauty of Christmas lights, and feel love.  I feel well, not perfect health but ok.  Best, I WANT / DESIRE to do things again I haven't done for many years, to bake gingerbread for instance, there is the desire, the follow through, pleasure in it.  I was able to plant a bit of garlic in the (previously neglected) garden.  I can REST, lie on the sofa and feel PEACEFUL.  And all these are joys for which I can feel THANKFUL - I could not feel thankful before.  My Christian spiritual life is good.  Memories and things I used to know are popping up into my conscious.

 

It is not over, the healing is not 100% yet.  But now living towards healing is not 'enduring'  I still have symptoms, cognitive issues / ditsy, some irritability and etc. but the sxs are much less and keep lessening.  For instance I cannot deep clean and sort my bedroom or my files yet, sometimes I can get overly mad inappropriately at a clerk or etc.  And I feel some dread at some tasks but there are no more terrors, doom, despair or ideations.  Depression very little.  There are no more weird sxs like stinging hands or rattling teeth.  If I eat some sugar or sip some wine I'm fine, but if excess I feel it.

 

Now I also am becoming increasingly aware what being on the benzo was doing to me, that I had no idea how much it was blunting me, suppressing my immune and other systems, making me ill and fatigued, stealing my pleasures, stealing my very life - and my will. 

 

Somebuddy on here, a link is in one of my posts, said something like at _ months "the miracle began to unfold".  That is this EXACTLY!  It was a walk in hell that now feels like I am walking a progressive MIRACLE. 

 

KEEP GOING BUDDIES!  There are no pills to get off pills.  You will not believe how good you are going to feel!  Everyone is different in how long it takes, but for all it is a matter of time.  But what the Buddies said was all the truth, you WILL feel WELL and HAPPY.  Thanks be to God for getting me off those pills. 

 

Life has seasons when Christmas is not 'merry'.  I wish you A Christmas of His Comfort and Peace,

 

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Congratulations on your healing. I see from you details that you suffer from hashimoto;s and take t3.  I have hashi's as well. Were you able to tolerate the t3 OK.  Did you suffer from severe fatigue at some point after you jumped?
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Yes, ceejay, All along I take / took bioidentical T3 and tolerate it fine.  And 100 mg of progesterone tolerated fine, but the sustained release type triggered sxs.  I also now take a tiny amount of LDN which also improves me.  My doctors are Holtorf Medical in CA.  They are excellent.
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Thank you AnHerbGardener, I wish you a happy Christmas to!

I'm happy to hear about your healing :) I feel something similar. It's it great when you discover that your "true self" might be better than you suspected?

 

Now I also am becoming increasingly aware what being on the benzo was doing to me, that I had no idea how much it was blunting me, suppressing my immune and other systems, making me ill and fatigued, stealing my pleasures, stealing my very life - and my will. 

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Congratulations, HerbGardener. Thanks for coming back and posting this so close to Christmas. Would you mind explaining how the depression and ideations went away? Was it very gradual?

 

Also, were you suffering any other intrusive thoughts throughout the process that you didn't have before? Did they go away? Thank you.

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So happy for you, HerbGardener!  Thank you so much for your story; I really needed it today; it gives me so much hope!!  Merry Christmas and the happiest new year in a long time!!!
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[75...]

Thank you, HerbGardener, for your beautiful post just in time for solstice and Christmas! I've been feeling so heartbroken at the thought of yet another Christmas spent struggling. You've brought comfort and peace by reminding us of the truth...that miracles, magic, and Light are reborn - even after the darkest times.

 

Wishing you joy and wellness always.

 

With gratitude,

Lara

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Thank you so much for this uplifting, encouraging heartwarming post!! I jumped Aug. 2016 so I'm right in the same time frame you are. Not quite there yet so this is so incredibly encouraging to me. Also, thank you very much for including the fact that you took 100mg of Progesterone. This is controversial as I'm sure you know and I have taken Prometrium for most of my withdrawal but it's so hard getting answers on this so I've always wondered. I have been reassured many times from different sources (functional medicine doctor included - a very good one) that it should not be a problem but I've wondered because it's hard to get a clear answer. So thank you!

 

I am so HAPPY for you! Well done!

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Thank you dear Buddies!  Yes, I posted because I decided to stop waiting for some kind of perfect 100% health.  It is all as I said: I feel authentically heart happy, imperfectly well, peaceful.  And it just keeps getting better.  And from the pit where I was, this is a miracle. 

 

BoomBoxBoy, the intrusive thoughts gradually decreased in both frequency and intensity.  Last one was at maybe 14, 16 months or so.  Entirely gone now.  When in the throes, I had to put up a sign where I would see it that said “It’s a LIE” for concern I might act.  Because it IS A LIE.  Until they’re gone please put up a sign to your self.  As to depression, I’m a type B probably lean towards some depression, not entirely gone, but NOTHING like what it was, it is NOT that empty dark despairing sobbing hell.  Its more like feeling low and in a day or so it passes.

 

That is one thing I did all along, on my doctors advice nearly every day I made sure to go out and sit and have coffee or a meal where other people are.  That does not mean I felt sociable or nice (tho I tried to be polite lol). 

 

Dash2, yes the Progesterone is controversial.  My choice was have migraines or take some Progesterone, I relied on how I felt to guide me.  Perhaps my GABA is being affected, I really don’t give a rip, the BENZO was what needed to go.  However. I can say that I felt sxs on the time / sustained release type so changed and had no sxs on the plain old stuff.  It’s excellent to have different people trying different things and reporting back.  Go with how you feel. 

 

Oh and I take nothing for sleep now, previously was using an herbal.  Now I take 3 mg Melatonin only.  Still tend to wake up for awhile somewhere between 3 and 5 then fall back asleep.  But the sleep is good sleep now.  I take daily walks but do not work out yet. 

 

xoxo

 

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Oh, I SO WISH I were in your shoes!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

I can REST, lie on the sofa and feel PEACEFUL. This is music to my ears. I haven't felt peaceful in years.

 

ENJOY YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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This post is so inspiring especially at Christmas. I usually love this time of year but this year I am not even excited at all. The part about feeling something again while looking at Christmas lights really hit home. I used to enjoy everything in life (well not everything hah but the smallest things would make me happy). I am scared I will never heal. Sometime I wonder if this is withdrawal because I also had a simple partial seizure a year ago and that is what started this whole thing and because I was told it was a panic attack because I didn’t lose consciousness or convulse so I went undiagnosed for 5 months and the anxiety from the seizure is why I took Ativan to begin with. I took it for 7 months and I feel like I still had dp/dr while on them and anxiety and maybe a little bit before them but things really hit the fan after I took them a few says a week for 2 weeks and then just stopped. Do you think it is withdrawal? Again thank you so much for this warm and heartfelt post  :smitten: love and light to you and a very Merry Christmas
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Such a lovely success story, and your feelings of well-being are beautifully described. Thank you. How I long for the day that I can feel Christmas joy and a sense of peace. Like Rubylove, I’m heartbroken at the thought of suffering through another holiday season in this mental torment. I’m in the same timeframe- I accidentally (ignorantly) cold turkeyed off clonazepam a few days after Christmas in 2016.  I hope to be feeling like you are sometime in this coming year.  It’s been a long haul

 

I’m interested in what you said about being unable to deep clean or sort through things. This has been a serious issue for me. I have all sorts of theories about the cognitive injury that might be causing it, but it’s baffling. It isn’t a lack of motivation to do these kinds of tasks, but a true inability.

 

I wish you the best as you continue to heal! 

 

CH

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Epatlan, yes it sounds confusing to determine what was the seizure and what is the brain / cns injury from the ativan.  But there are excellent boards on Benzobuddies and I hope you find your answer.

 

Coming Home, what a beautiful and apt quote "thence we come forth to behold the stars"!  From the Inferno?  Wow, how apt if so as we emerge from an inferno. 

 

I don't know what part of the brain the benzos injure but it includes a brain / cns injury for sure.  Yes I agree with you said it is a "true inability" = brain injury.  Example:  I would wash and dry my nightgowns and at first I could only take them as a wad from the dryer and set them on a chair in my bedroom.  Later I was able to open their drawer, but couldn't figure out how to put them into it.  Later I was able to fold them and set them on top of the open drawer but not into the drawer.  Now I can put them away lol.  Same with files.  Also I didn't care - not caring about certain things that I used to care about is part of it / some brain area.  Some people on here stop caring about hygiene, that's a tough one; I was able to shower etc but not curl my hair.  There is also forgetfulness - I have to reach for words sometimes or can look right at you and forget your name kind of stuff.  And sometimes a helplessness I did not experience before.  This cognitive harm is improved and improving but not healed yet.  My doctor, who understands this and has been supportive, suggested I get a brain scan ( I think he was curious to see the benzo damage too)  but I refused, I do not want to be limited or scared by a false diagnosis or have one in my records when I had NONE of this before discontinuing the benzos, and the cognitive IS improving not worsening (tho parts of it worsened year 2 or maybe just became more obvious as anxiety and adrenaline decreased).  I just continue to follow the survivors and that is what works for me.  Again, the cognitive IS improving, but slowly.  I would say I'm still sort of "ditsy" now.  I also had bladder symptoms that I think is / was "neurogenic bladder" that shows this is a chemically inflicted brain injury.  We would all be comforted and heal better if we were being sent to neurologists and treated as a brain / cns injury instead of as crazies.

 

Keep walking Coming Home, I understand today you cannot hope, that the component of hope in you is injured, but you WILL hope - and have happiness and peace.  Just keep surviving, keep walking.  God bless you. 

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Epatlan, yes it sounds confusing to determine what was the seizure and what is the brain / cns injury from the ativan.  But there are excellent boards on Benzobuddies and I hope you find your answer.

 

Coming Home, what a beautiful and apt quote "thence we come forth to behold the stars"!  From the Inferno?  Wow, how apt if so as we emerge from an inferno. 

 

I don't know what part of the brain the benzos injure but it includes a brain / cns injury for sure.  Yes I agree with you said it is a "true inability" = brain injury.  Example:  I would wash and dry my nightgowns and at first I could only take them as a wad from the dryer and set them on a chair in my bedroom.  Later I was able to open their drawer, but couldn't figure out how to put them into it.  Later I was able to fold them and set them on top of the open drawer but not into the drawer.  Now I can put them away lol.  Same with files.  Also I didn't care - not caring about certain things that I used to care about is part of it / some brain area.  Some people on here stop caring about hygiene, that's a tough one; I was able to shower etc but not curl my hair.  There is also forgetfulness - I have to reach for words sometimes or can look right at you and forget your name kind of stuff.  And sometimes a helplessness I did not experience before.  This cognitive harm is improved and improving but not healed yet.  My doctor, who understands this and has been supportive, suggested I get a brain scan ( I think he was curious to see the benzo damage too)  but I refused, I do not want to be limited or scared by a false diagnosis or have one in my records when I had NONE of this before discontinuing the benzos, and the cognitive IS improving not worsening (tho parts of it worsened year 2 or maybe just became more obvious as anxiety and adrenaline decreased).  I just continue to follow the survivors and that is what works for me.  Again, the cognitive IS improving, but slowly.  I would say I'm still sort of "ditsy" now.  I also had bladder symptoms that I think is / was "neurogenic bladder" that shows this is a chemically inflicted brain injury.  We would all be comforted and heal better if we were being sent to neurologists and treated as a brain / cns injury instead of as crazies.

 

Keep walking Coming Home, I understand today you cannot hope, that the component of hope in you is injured, but you WILL hope - and have happiness and peace.  Just keep surviving, keep walking.  God bless you.

 

God bless you, AnHerbGardener.  Yes, you have exactly described the way I experience the cognitive damage.  This is how I do laundry too, and how it's progressed for me.  I can break tasks down into steps, but I can't execute them.  I can, however, see progress in how far I'm able to push through a task or project, just as you're able to get the laundry in a drawer.  I do the SAME THING with drying/folding/putting away.  I now can pile clean clothes on top of an opened drawer, but something about folding, putting INSIDE the drawer, and CLOSING the drawer just freaks me out... can't do it.  So I'm not there yet, but making progress.  Unloading/loading the dishwasher was impossible a year ago.  Now I can do the dishes, but can't put something away that I don't use daily, like a baking dish.  I can clear one counter at a time, but it's laborious, and I can't do anything as complex as organizing a cupboard.  You get the idea....  I used to LOVE cleaning an organizing my home, and took such pleasure in it.  And yet I'm able to work, and my job is challenging and fast-paced.  I don't understand. 

 

I could go on... I don't want to hijack your thread with a topic that only represents one aspect of our ordeal.  The important thing is that YOU'RE HEALING, and so shall we all. 

 

Yes, wouldn't it be lovely if we could be sent to neurologists and treated with love and compassion as one with a chemically-induced brain injury, and not dismissed with the stigma of addiction or mental illness?  I agree with you - I wouldn't want a brain scan.  Aside from the risk of a false diagnosis, etc., I just don't want to see the damage, and I have faith that I will heal.

 

Yes, "thence we came forth to rebehold the stars" is the last line of Dante's Inferno.  This has been a spiritual journey for me, and God is good. 

 

Love,

CH

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HG, your story is just wonderful and should give hope to many out there. Your thread is terrific with people chiming in who seem somewhat similar to you - and me. My garden is important to me and I do grow herbs. Basil, oregano, mint and rosemary. Just smelling their leaves lifts my mood.

 

From what I have learned, benzos affect the fear center of your brain the most. The amygdala controls fear (anxiety). When you go off benzos that tiny part of your brain goes haywire for a while. My worst symptom was fear (intense and lasted a very long time) and anxiety. Once your brain starts to heal, those things slowly drop away, revealing the true you, NOT on benzos. If you had "issues" before, they wont be fixed, but your brain wont be addled by benzos now and you will be better able to work on those issues.

 

 

All the cognitive issues described below will get better in time. Your brain just needs enough time to heal itself. All the tasks you mentioned will slowly become easier. Benzo WD is truly a huge challenge for some people, and I am truly glad toknow you all here. Knowing people on BB is what kept me going, and still does!

east

 

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  • 5 weeks later...

AnHerbGardener,

 

Congratulations and thanks for sharing.  Glad you were able to enjoy Christmas this time around.  And I can relate to your take on how it gets hared to stay hopeful when you are in a dark place.  Thankfully, we all get to come out on the brighter side one at a time, it seems.

 

 

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