So sorry to hear you are in another wave. What symptoms are troubling you?
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I’m at a little over 3.5 months since the setback & The mental stuff is still horrible. It seemed to peak about a month ago from 2-2.5 months (I was so scared and didn’t understand why new things kept coming), eased a bit and now this last week has been horrible again. All this stuff was gone before the ab. I don’t remember having such a scary depression like this before even in my first acute (I can’t really remember though.) But all the same symptoms as you pretty much and each day a different one is at the forefront.
I had my reaction September 4th. Month 1 was horrible akathisia for a few days after the reaction then BAD flu like symptoms & muscle pain/twitching, Achilles’ tendon pain, hypnic jerks, adrenaline rushes, anxiety, panic attacks, health anxiety and insomnia with 20 min short waves of intrusive thoughts, depression, anxiety etc... but with clear and frequent windows of my previous baseline. What was interesting was when I would get hit with the flu and body symptoms I’d have a mental window, then when mental symptoms hit the body symptoms were gone.
Then month 2 (October) was awful chemical anxiety and panic, racing & intrusive thoughts, ocd, emense health anxiety, restlessness, constipation, metallic taste on tongue, burning skin and tongue, sweats/ chills/ pain and then depression hit hard out of nowhere at the end of the month, also some windows of previous baseline. Physical and mental combined.
Month 3 (November) everything went to shit. Completely non functional. Fear, anxiety, adrenaline rushes, horrible horrible (sorry but I hate this symptom!!!) intrusive thoughts, dpdr, extreme ocd & looping thoughts, confusion, fear of being alone, doom & gloom, worse panic attacks, dread, dark depression. The agitation & akathisia peaked unbearably again for like 4 days (this freaked me out so bad!) zero positive emotions, crying spells & feeling disconnected. Hyperosmia, phantom smells, constipation & other physical symptoms. The day after thanksgiving the depression magically just went away... just like poof. Had like 2 short windows. This month has shaken me emotionally. I’m still scared it’s going to come back.
Month 4 (December) I had some [...] days but the last 8 days or so (during my monthly cycle) have been really horrid again. So everything above again but even though it’s been pretty bad it’s not AS bad as last month. Then of course ruminating, looping thoughts, can’t relax. Fear of going crazy is back again (I did have that really bad in acute), no memory and cognitive issues. Also painful nerve pain in various areas and body aches in legs along with other physical symptoms like throat issues, sweating, no appetite, twitching, sensitive to smells, lights and sounds etc. it’s all so scary! And the depression that was here from end of oct to end of nov was gone for a whole month!! But just came back
The depression needs to GO! It gives me this awful heaviness feeling in the pit of my stomach that you just can’t ignore and makes it feel hard to even breathe. I’ve only had couple short window this month too, sometimes [...] at bedtime but last night that wasn’t the case.
I just want to get out of acute! I can deal with having symptoms but I wish I could dial back the intensities because it’s still so in my face and can’t ignore it!
What I have been struggling with is hopelessness that I have to start all over from the beginning again. I’ve read so many setback stories of people getting back to baseline gradually after some weeks or months and I just don’t know because these symptoms are so bad for me still & since I got some new symptoms I didn’t have before.. I’ve been crying so much because I can’t believe this happened to me again. I really thought I’d never have to visit acute hell ever again.
BUT...I think this month it’s finally not getting any worse, so hopefully this is the beginning of the turn around and it clears up from here but I’m still really struggling and don’t know what to think. I did just go grocery shopping alone for this first time since this setback so even though I can’t feel it I must be making progress. My fiancé tells me the same thing but in the worst moments I don’t believe it. Just dragging through the days waiting for improvements. It’s been horrendous. I have seen improvement in the insomnia though.
Do you guys think this is normal?
