QFTH:99 days out and feeling so bad! Please tell me this ends one day! Please!

I’m 99 days out today. My first 3 weeks were what I called acute and tho not fun at all I had some tolerable days, windows more before bed and that’s all faded the past few weeks and has gotten worse and worse. Last night I had nightmares constantly so vivid and I literally felt as sick in the dreams as I felt in bed. I have benzo flu symptoms so badly, bad head pressure, super anxious, don’t feel like myself at all, I think maybe derealization, can barely see straight, can’t even get out of ved I feel so crappy, woke with no appetite, terrified this will never end and I will be this way forever. I didn’t know any better and after an awful taper over the summer having my doctors not assist me in what was best even tho I asked so much if I was doing it right, ended up in detox af .66 of Klonopin with the flumazenil treatment for 8 days. Now I am petrified I did more harm or permanent damage , but I had no idea! I just knew I had to get off the stuff because I felt soooo bad.

My husband asks why I can’t reinstate to feel better and here was my reply:

If I reinstate we would have no idea the amount, while it would make me feel better as soon as I would decide to taper again if I could even stabilize all hell would break loose even worse than it is now. It least over 3 months out I am out of the seizure chances also. I think a level of hell beyond this would exist. So I’m not going to reinstate, but please tell me this gets better. Having no time frame and the unknown is killing me. Please tell me I will have my life back again one day! I’m scared. 

The first year off is somewhat of a roller coaster for many people.  It is encouraging that you have felt better which to me means that you will feel better again.  I found it helpful to write down how I felt in a progress log or just some sort of diary, the reason being when I was in the wave I always thought I was as horrible as I had been before. My progress log reminded me that I was a lot better than I had been so each wave was a tad better and each window lasted longer and longer.  These drugs impact every part of your body and it does take time to heal. 

 

If you reinstate you will just have to do this again - so if you can I would tough it out.  Time is the healer with benzos.  And yes you will get your life back.  If you go to Nomo's buddy blog you will see lots of us complaining post taper but all of us are back to living our lives, you will be too.

 

 

 

The first year off is somewhat of a roller coaster for many people.  It is encouraging that you have felt better which to me means that you will feel better again.  I found it helpful to write down how I felt in a progress log or just some sort of diary, the reason being when I was in the wave I always thought I was as horrible as I had been before. My progress log reminded me that I was a lot better than I had been so each wave was a tad better and each window lasted longer and longer.  These drugs impact every part of your body and it does take time to heal. 

 

If you reinstate you will just have to do this again - so if you can I would tough it out.  Time is the healer with benzos.  And yes you will get your life back.  If you go to Nomo's buddy blog you will see lots of us complaining post taper but all of us are back to living our lives, you will be too.

 

I have written down daily since day 1 being home from my detox. But this is a new kind of feeling awful today and my dreams were vivid before but last night was terrifying and I woke each time with my heart pounding and feeling insanely awful. I’m praying from the detox permanent damage wasn’t done. I am petrified today!

No one else?!

While I can’t guarantee a time frame (at all); based on what I went through - I would say you are in that awful 3 month wave and will be climbing out for a good month. But it will pass!! Dreams were just awful. Just awful. So sorry.

While I can’t guarantee a time frame (at all); based on what I went through - I would say you are in that awful 3 month wave and will be climbing out for a good month. But it will pass!! Dreams were just awful. Just awful. So sorry.

 

That would be nice! I didn’t remember my dreams last night so I will take that over the night before!

 

My husband asks why I can’t reinstate to feel better and here was my reply:

If I reinstate we would have no idea the amount, while it would make me feel better as soon as I would decide to taper again if I could even stabilize all hell would break loose even worse than it is now. It least over 3 months out I am out of the seizure chances also. I think a level of hell beyond this would exist. So I’m not going to reinstate, but please tell me this gets better. Having no time frame and the unknown is killing me. Please tell me I will have my life back again one day! I’m scared. 

 

 

Here is what Heather Ashton says about reinstating from the Ashton Manual Supplement:

 

Reinstatement, updosing

 

A dilemma faced by some people in the process of benzodiazepine withdrawal, or after withdrawal, is what to do if they have intolerable symptoms which do not lessen after many weeks. If they are still taking benzodiazepines, should they increase the dose? If they have already withdrawn, should they reinstate benzodiazepines and start the withdrawal process again? This is a difficult situation which, like all benzodiazepine problems, depends to some degree on the circumstances and the individual, and there are no hard and fast rules.

 

Reinstatement after withdrawal? Many benzodiazepine users who find themselves in this position have withdrawn too quickly; some have undergone 'cold turkey'. They think that if they go back on benzodiazepines and start over again on a slower schedule they will be more successful. Unfortunately, things are not so simple. For reasons that are not clear, (but perhaps because the original experience of withdrawal has already sensitised the nervous system and heightened the level of anxiety) the original benzodiazepine dose often does not work the second time round. Some may find that only a higher dose partially alleviates their symptoms, and then they still have to go through a long withdrawal process again, which again may not be symptom-free.

 

Updosing during withdrawal? Some people hit a "sticky patch" during the course of benzodiazepine withdrawal. In many cases, staying on the same dose for a longer period (not more than a few weeks) before resuming the withdrawal schedule allows them to overcome this obstacle. However, increasing the dose until a longed-for plateau of 'stability' arrives is not a good strategy. The truth is that one never 'stabilises' on a given dose of benzodiazepine. The dose may be stable but withdrawal symptoms are not. It is better to grit one's teeth and continue the withdrawal. True recovery cannot really start until the drug is out of the system.

 

Pharmacologically, neither reinstating nor updosing is really rational. If withdrawal symptoms are still present, it means that the GABA/benzodiazepine receptors have not fully recovered (see above). Further benzodiazepines cause further down-regulation, strengthen the dependence, prolong withdrawal, delay recovery and may lead to protracted symptoms. In general, the longer the person remains on benzodiazepines the more difficult it is to withdraw. On the whole, anyone who remained benzodiazepine-free, or has remained on the same dose, for a number of weeks or months would be ill-advised to start again or to increase dosage. It would be better to devote the brain to solving individual symptoms and to finding sources of advice and support. Advice about how to deal with individual symptoms is given in the Manual (Chapter 3).

 

My husband asks why I can’t reinstate to feel better and here was my reply:

If I reinstate we would have no idea the amount, while it would make me feel better as soon as I would decide to taper again if I could even stabilize all hell would break loose even worse than it is now. It least over 3 months out I am out of the seizure chances also. I think a level of hell beyond this would exist. So I’m not going to reinstate, but please tell me this gets better. Having no time frame and the unknown is killing me. Please tell me I will have my life back again one day! I’m scared. 

 

 

Here is what Heather Ashton says about reinstating from the Ashton Manual Supplement:

 

Reinstatement, updosing

 

A dilemma faced by some people in the process of benzodiazepine withdrawal, or after withdrawal, is what to do if they have intolerable symptoms which do not lessen after many weeks. If they are still taking benzodiazepines, should they increase the dose? If they have already withdrawn, should they reinstate benzodiazepines and start the withdrawal process again? This is a difficult situation which, like all benzodiazepine problems, depends to some degree on the circumstances and the individual, and there are no hard and fast rules.

 

Reinstatement after withdrawal? Many benzodiazepine users who find themselves in this position have withdrawn too quickly; some have undergone 'cold turkey'. They think that if they go back on benzodiazepines and start over again on a slower schedule they will be more successful. Unfortunately, things are not so simple. For reasons that are not clear, (but perhaps because the original experience of withdrawal has already sensitised the nervous system and heightened the level of anxiety) the original benzodiazepine dose often does not work the second time round. Some may find that only a higher dose partially alleviates their symptoms, and then they still have to go through a long withdrawal process again, which again may not be symptom-free.

 

Updosing during withdrawal? Some people hit a "sticky patch" during the course of benzodiazepine withdrawal. In many cases, staying on the same dose for a longer period (not more than a few weeks) before resuming the withdrawal schedule allows them to overcome this obstacle. However, increasing the dose until a longed-for plateau of 'stability' arrives is not a good strategy. The truth is that one never 'stabilises' on a given dose of benzodiazepine. The dose may be stable but withdrawal symptoms are not. It is better to grit one's teeth and continue the withdrawal. True recovery cannot really start until the drug is out of the system.

 

Pharmacologically, neither reinstating nor updosing is really rational. If withdrawal symptoms are still present, it means that the GABA/benzodiazepine receptors have not fully recovered (see above). Further benzodiazepines cause further down-regulation, strengthen the dependence, prolong withdrawal, delay recovery and may lead to protracted symptoms. In general, the longer the person remains on benzodiazepines the more difficult it is to withdraw. On the whole, anyone who remained benzodiazepine-free, or has remained on the same dose, for a number of weeks or months would be ill-advised to start again or to increase dosage. It would be better to devote the brain to solving individual symptoms and to finding sources of advice and support. Advice about how to deal with individual symptoms is given in the Manual (Chapter 3).

 

Thanks! I explained it yesterday and he understands and my Accupuncturist who use to work in medical detox explained also that if someone gets back on after 100 days off and comes off again it is always way harder. No way I am touching these ever again. I never thought I would get to day 100 and I don’t see how I’ll keep pushing but I will!

... but please tell me this gets better. Having no time frame and the unknown is killing me. Please tell me I will have my life back again one day! I’m scared. 

 

Hi hopeful,

 

Yes it will get better with time. You have to understand that but there is no way to tell how much time. You will get your life back one day.

 

You just have to stay strong. Try to engage with life to whatever extent that you can. Distract yourself with some kind of activity; anything that you are able to do.

 

PM me if you would like to talk.

 

Take care.

 

 

Keep pushing hopeful! We are all on your side!