I really can’t do this any more

Help

 

It will be ok ! Take it 5 minutes at a time, then congraduate yourself you made it through those 5 minutes. Just keep taking it 5 minutes at a time. Before you know it all those 5 minutes will add up and you’ll be feeling ok!!! Hang on, you’ve got this !

I really just can’t

Is there a friend or family member you can call? Remember nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. If you are not safe please go to the hospital or call 9-1-1

I’m with my sister. She doesn’t know how to help. I don’t know what safe is anymore. Thank you for trying to help.  :'(

 

There is nothing that can help

You know what always helps me is a hot bath, then get your sister to swaddle you up like a baby in nice blanket, then lay down on the ground and feel the floor, it’s real it’s there try and bring your mind back into the moment. Moment by moment

I am too dizzy and anxious and out of it to get into the bath

Hope you are feeling better

I’m not. I can’t do this.

I’m not stabilizing.

I can’t do this all the way off. I literally can’t.

Stop telling yourself you can’t do it.

 

You can and you will. YOU ALREADY ARE. You are coping. Minute by minute. This will pass. People heal. You will too. Hold on.

 

 

There is no way I can do this minute by minute for months and months. It’s all so hopeless.

I don’t think this will be better when off.

If it’s this bad going down. It’s excruciating.

I feel like I should be on heavy doses of tranquilizers and anti psychotics.

I feel like there is no way out.

I’m so scared I’m damaged like in this state for life. I haven’t had any relief for a while now. And I’m holding.

Minute by minute MEANS not thinking about months. I am right here with you too! Big muscle movements- swing your arms wide and sway for a minute. Then rest for 2 minutes.  Do it again ... each time you will lower your baseline anxiety. Do not judge the process - just do it.

Minute by minute MEANS not thinking about months. I am right here with you too! Big muscle movements- swing your arms wide and sway for a minute. Then rest for 2 minutes.  Do it again ... each time you will lower your baseline anxiety. Do not judge the process - just do it.

 

Leslie you are much stronger than I.  :'( I’m trying I’m doing big muscle movements now.

I’ve always been like this.

A neurotic mess. And now I’m stuck with no way back or forward.

I feel like maybe I’m supposed to be heavily medicated.

 

 

I’ve barely lived as an adult without ssri and benzos.

I was always so afraid to take a pill. The first time when I was 27 I had to go to the hospital to take anything. Now look at me.

It’s what I’ve always done to get me out of tolerance or whatever causes symptoms every so many years.

 

Hi, I  going to give you advise that will not be popular on this forum.  When you get to the point that you can't take it anymore, DON'T.  If it were me I would up dose until I felt comfortable.  Do it slowly, a little at a time, take a few days.  Do not go up and down.  From what I read you are taking several medication at once.  Some of them cancel out or add to the other.  What I would then do is go to my Dr.  A psychiatrist preferably.  If you get no help I would then change Dr's.  Find one that will help you straighten out these meds. You might have to interview several. You are taking so many different meds.  I would then slowly taper off the easier ones first, very slowly.  Stay on the Benzo. This is going to take a awhile.  Klonopin is very hard to get off.

 

You really need professional help with this and don't let the DR put you on another drug. 

It is not hopeless.  you have been through a lot and you need someone to help you get organize.  Most important you will be getting back in control.

 

Sometimes we have to stay on the medication at least until we have the confidence to try a taper again, or maybe not.

With chronic anxiety we might have to stay on the meds as long as they are not working against you.  I wish you the best and with help you should be feeling better soon.

Hi, I  going to give you advise that will not be popular on this forum.  When you get to the point that you can't take it anymore, DON'T.  If it were me I would up dose until I felt comfortable.  Do it slowly, a little at a time, take a few days.  Do not go up and down.  From what I read you are taking several medication at once.  Some of them cancel out or add to the other.  What I would then do is go to my Dr.  A psychiatrist preferably.  If you get no help I would then change Dr's.  Find one that will help you straighten out these meds. You might have to interview several. You are taking so many different meds.  I would then slowly taper off the easier ones first, very slowly.  Stay on the Benzo. This is going to take a awhile.  Klonopin is very hard to get off.

 

You really need professional help with this and don't let the DR put you on another drug. 

It is not hopeless.  you have been through a lot and you need someone to help you get organize.  Most important you will be getting back in control.

 

Sometimes we have to stay on the medication at least until we have the confidence to try a taper again, or maybe not.

With chronic anxiety we might have to stay on the meds as long as they are not working against you.  I wish you the best and with help you should be feeling better soon.

 

Thank you I feel they are working against me. I just don’t know. When I take more it does seem to ease so it must be just doing enough to stave off worse withdrawal but not helping with living a semi even remotely normal life.

All these years I thought my anxiety was just worsening and it was probably the lack of increase in benzo.

I do see a psychiatrist and my MD but they seem useless.

The only meds I’m taking since February is klonopin, Prilosec a stomach med, and mirtazipine since August.

I almost tapered off August 2017 and it was nowhere near this bad. Only difference is I was on Prozac then but I can’t seem to get back on it. I only got off of it because we thought it might be causing the stomach problems.

Trust me if there was something I could just get on and stabilize I would. I don’t even care anymore.

 

Claria I just read some of your posts on what you’re going thru.  My heart goes out to you and you have done an amazing job.

Thank you I feel they are working against me. I just don’t know. When I take more it does seem to ease so it must be just doing enough to stave off worse withdrawal but not helping with living a semi even remotely normal life.

All these years I thought my anxiety was just worsening and it was probably the lack of increase in benzo.

I do see a psychiatrist and my MD but they seem useless.

The only meds I’m taking since February is klonopin, Prilosec a stomach med, and mirtazipine since August.

I almost tapered off August 2017 and it was nowhere near this bad. Only difference is I was on Prozac then but I can’t seem to get back on it. I only got off of it because we thought it might be causing the stomach problems.

Trust me if there was something I could just get on and stabilize I would. I don’t even care anymore.

 

So sorry about your suffering, offandon

 

Yes. Coming off of Prozac after being on it for 16 years had thrown me into a bad state and it worsened my bzd situations. At that point I could no longer get on Prozac anymore or any SSRI for that matter.

 

If you can somehow find a stable level of your medications, it would help tremendously. Not going up/down with Klonopin is the key because it can further unbalance the nervous system, and you don't really want it. It's actually better to stay at the same doses than to increase. So what if you can't get off right now? It's ok. The key is to not increase further, because it can bring about more instability. A small updose could (maybe) help. I'd just avoid going up/down with the dose.

 

 

Hi offandon,

 

You've gotten lots of positive messages here which I agree with that you Are :thumbsup:doing it!  You're coming online and reaching out; that's a big something!...both that you have the cognitive ability to do so, and that you are looking for help, encouragement, support, and tools to cope w/an awful situation.  Benzobuddies is where you'll find the emotional support, b/c it's others "walking in your shoes".  Your sister may love you and provide comfort and support, but our loved ones don't "get it" like the benzobuddies community does.

 

People are sometimes tasked with completely unbearable  circumstances (this is one of 'em )  In the past, when I've told myself "dig deep"; more often than not, it's gotten me through and when it hasn't it's "dig deeper").  I'm not suggesting that here and now, b/c I'm not finding that particularly helpful during this.  But, what I do for myself is congratulate myself often and for the smallest things, b/c during this...Everything is an Accomplishment!   This may seem flimsy in light of what we're experiencing, but during one of my "life battles" my cousin would tell me (b/c I know he could hear in my voice that I'd be "escalating") take a deep breath and count slowly. This is years ago and I still carry that with me and use it if I feel the escalating happening. Try to focus on what you are doing and not what you're unable to do.

 

Whatever help, support, love anyone has, you must be your own biggest cheerleader.  During this miserable experience, constantly "pat yourself on the back" i.e. I do it just when I've run a brush through my hair!  Try not to think.  That would sound weird and ridiculous to "outsiders", but it's really important w/anxiety and benzo w/d symptoms, b/c it's very easy for any thoughts to run rampant.  The instant that begins to happen, I mentally talk myself down from it, telling myself to stop thinking.  More than anything else I don't want to end up hospitalized w/a panic attack, so I kinda "keep that in my pocket" (hasn't ever occurr and I don't want it to.  Since now I thoroughly abhor doctors and the medical community, at large, I'll bear anything rather than having to rely on them, since that's how I ended up in this miserable situation in the first place).  Another member said "and this too shall pass".  That's a quote a friend and I often utilize w/each other and it is true. 

 

I agree, again, with what others are writing.  Be wary with the doctors and any addl. rxs.  I've read far too much about people going further down the rabbit hole with medical doctors and psychiatrists and their general over-prescribing the population.  (I think it's a far worse situation in the U.S. than elsewhere, even though it Is a worldwide problem).  You're experiencing extreme symptom.  As someone else suggested, yes, it may be best to add back (a little bit).  See if that helps (hopefully) and then hold there.  Maybe there are some doctors who know about how to help people get off benzo's, but I believe they're the minority.  Please keep the faith~faith in yourself You are stronger than you may think I hope you'll have some better hours

 

 

Thank you I feel they are working against me. I just don’t know. When I take more it does seem to ease so it must be just doing enough to stave off worse withdrawal but not helping with living a semi even remotely normal life.

All these years I thought my anxiety was just worsening and it was probably the lack of increase in benzo.

I do see a psychiatrist and my MD but they seem useless.

The only meds I’m taking since February is klonopin, Prilosec a stomach med, and mirtazipine since August.

I almost tapered off August 2017 and it was nowhere near this bad. Only difference is I was on Prozac then but I can’t seem to get back on it. I only got off of it because we thought it might be causing the stomach problems.

Trust me if there was something I could just get on and stabilize I would. I don’t even care anymore.

 

So sorry about your suffering, offandon

 

Yes. Coming off of Prozac after being on it for 16 years had thrown me into a bad state and it worsened my bzd situations. At that point I could no longer get on Prozac anymore or any SSRI for that matter.

 

If you can somehow find a stable level of your medications, it would help tremendously. Not going up/down with Klonopin is the key because it can further unbalance the nervous system, and you don't really want it. It's actually better to stay at the same doses than to increase. So what if you can't get off right now? It's ok. The key is to not increase further, because it can bring about more instability. A small updose could (maybe) help. I'd just avoid going up/down with the dose.

 

Thank you LP for reaching out. I wish I hadn’t stopped Prozac. Seemed easier in August when I started mirtazipine. Get this my psych doesn’t want to increase it because it causes munchies but they’ll hand out benzos for 20 years.

 

I did go back up a bit and am trying to hold there. I just think it’s too late with years of tolerance behind me to stabilize without going waaaay up. And that’s why I feel trapped. I don’t want to go waaay up. It I can’t feel like this. I’m ok with going slow maybe I went too fast at first ...if I could just stabilize a bit and getting some relief.

Hi offandon,

 

You've gotten lots of positive messages here which I agree with that you Are :thumbsup:doing it!  You're coming online and reaching out; that's a big something!...both that you have the cognitive ability to do so, and that you are looking for help, encouragement, support, and tools to cope w/an awful situation.  Benzobuddies is where you'll find the emotional support, b/c it's others "walking in your shoes".  Your sister may love you and provide comfort and support, but our loved ones don't "get it" like the benzobuddies community does.

 

People are sometimes tasked with completely unbearable  circumstances (this is one of 'em )  In the past, when I've told myself "dig deep"; more often than not, it's gotten me through and when it hasn't it's "dig deeper").  I'm not suggesting that here and now, b/c I'm not finding that particularly helpful during this.  But, what I do for myself is congratulate myself often and for the smallest things, b/c during this...Everything is an Accomplishment!   This may seem flimsy in light of what we're experiencing, but during one of my "life battles" my cousin would tell me (b/c I know he could hear in my voice that I'd be "escalating") take a deep breath and count slowly. This is years ago and I still carry that with me and use it if I feel the escalating happening. Try to focus on what you are doing and not what you're unable to do.

 

Whatever help, support, love anyone has, you must be your own biggest cheerleader.  During this miserable experience, constantly "pat yourself on the back" i.e. I do it just when I've run a brush through my hair!  Try not to think.  That would sound weird and ridiculous to "outsiders", but it's really important w/anxiety and benzo w/d symptoms, b/c it's very easy for any thoughts to run rampant.  The instant that begins to happen, I mentally talk myself down from it, telling myself to stop thinking.  More than anything else I don't want to end up hospitalized w/a panic attack, so I kinda "keep that in my pocket" (hasn't ever occurr and I don't want it to.  Since now I thoroughly abhor doctors and the medical community, at large, I'll bear anything rather than having to rely on them, since that's how I ended up in this miserable situation in the first place).  Another member said "and this too shall pass".  That's a quote a friend and I often utilize w/each other and it is true. 

 

I agree, again, with what others are writing.  Be wary with the doctors and any addl. rxs.  I've read far too much about people going further down the rabbit hole with medical doctors and psychiatrists and their general over-prescribing the population.  (I think it's a far worse situation in the U.S. than elsewhere, even though it Is a worldwide problem).  You're experiencing extreme symptom.  As someone else suggested, yes, it may be best to add back (a little bit).  See if that helps (hopefully) and then hold there.  Maybe there are some doctors who know about how to help people get off benzo's, but I believe they're the minority.  Please keep the faith~faith in yourself You are stronger than you may think I hope you'll have some better hours

 

Thank you cuzKK , I so appreciate your advice and yes I’ve been given wonderful advice and compassion from people on here.

 

I’m trying to follow everyone’s advice. I just did a bunch of arms and leg circles , yay me. Thank you Leslie.

 

It’s just I have no faith in my ability to withstand this. I have been medicated most of my adult life. That’s what they said to do for my anxiety disorder which I do have.

 

I must have been in tolerance for years and thought I was tough then for getting thru life then with what now seem like small symptoms back then.

 

I think my brain is fried.

 

I also don’t know how to stop the fear of dying when it really gets bad. Like I’m just going to drop.

 

Thank you I feel they are working against me. I just don’t know. When I take more it does seem to ease so it must be just doing enough to stave off worse withdrawal but not helping with living a semi even remotely normal life.

All these years I thought my anxiety was just worsening and it was probably the lack of increase in benzo.

I do see a psychiatrist and my MD but they seem useless.

The only meds I’m taking since February is klonopin, Prilosec a stomach med, and mirtazipine since August.

I almost tapered off August 2017 and it was nowhere near this bad. Only difference is I was on Prozac then but I can’t seem to get back on it. I only got off of it because we thought it might be causing the stomach problems.

Trust me if there was something I could just get on and stabilize I would. I don’t even care anymore.

 

So sorry about your suffering, offandon

 

Yes. Coming off of Prozac after being on it for 16 years had thrown me into a bad state and it worsened my bzd situations. At that point I could no longer get on Prozac anymore or any SSRI for that matter.

 

If you can somehow find a stable level of your medications, it would help tremendously. Not going up/down with Klonopin is the key because it can further unbalance the nervous system, and you don't really want it. It's actually better to stay at the same doses than to increase. So what if you can't get off right now? It's ok. The key is to not increase further, because it can bring about more instability. A small updose could (maybe) help. I'd just avoid going up/down with the dose.

 

Thank you LP for reaching out. I wish I hadn’t stopped Prozac. Seemed easier in August when I started mirtazipine. Get this my psych doesn’t want to increase it because it causes munchies but they’ll hand out benzos for 20 years.

 

I did go back up a bit and am trying to hold there. I just think it’s too late with years of tolerance behind me to stabilize without going waaaay up. And that’s why I feel trapped. I don’t want to go waaay up. It I can’t feel like this. I’m ok with going slow maybe I went too fast at first ...if I could just stabilize a bit and getting some relief.

 

You are most welcome, offandon. I know that most people on this board are against herbal supplement and such, but if things get very rough, I tend to prefer to take a Valerian Root or a Passion Flower capsule rather than increase my benzo dosage. It is my personal choice, but I am just throwing some of those ideas out should you get desperate.

Other people mention they've found buspar helpful which I didn't so much but I did find vistaril helpful for sleeping and some anxiety relief.  I'm only mentioning bc they might be worth a try if you're thinking about going up.

 

I know it's tough but like cuzkk mentioned, focus on what you CAN do, not what you CAN'T.  Taking things slower makes a lot of sense if you can hold where you are or just slightly higher. I would not go back up bc since you've made it this far.  I'm not sure it would help and it seems people find themselves in a more difficult spot once that stops working.  I tried clonazepam after alprazolam. It worked for a bit but then it was worse to taper off.

 

I think some positive affirmations would help and some self love talk.  Here's one I liked when I had just finished my taper and was still living in hell. 

There are lots of good themes that are mentioned even if you don't connect with the speaker.  Tell yourself you can get through it bc you can. You're helping yourself by posting here and listening to others.  As was mentioned, you're stronger than you think. Be careful and stop telling yourself you CAN'T. You CAN. Agree to take your time too.

Other people mention they've found buspar helpful which I didn't so much but I did find vistaril helpful for sleeping and some anxiety relief.  I'm only mentioning bc they might be worth a try if you're thinking about going up.

 

I know it's tough but like cuzkk mentioned, focus on what you CAN do, not what you CAN'T.  Taking things slower makes a lot of sense if you can hold where you are or just slightly higher. I would not go back up bc since you've made it this far.  I'm not sure it would help and it seems people find themselves in a more difficult spot once that stops working.  I tried clonazepam after alprazolam. It worked for a bit but then it was worse to taper off.

 

I think some positive affirmations would help and some self love talk.  Here's one I liked when I had just finished my taper and was still living in hell. 

There are lots of good themes that are mentioned even if you don't connect with the speaker.  Tell yourself you can get through it bc you can. You're helping yourself by posting here and listening to others.  As was mentioned, you're stronger than you think. Be careful and stop telling yourself you CAN'T. You CAN. Agree to take your time too.

 

Thank you seltzerer. I don’t know why my brain is stuck on I can’t do this. I just think I’m not as strong as you all pre benzo so there’s no reason to think I would be during. My brain literally can’t grasp the concept of I can do this. I can’t believe I was able to get almost off last year and this year I am just so fu#ked up. I’m still holding at .157 weight.

 

I am going to ask my dr about buspar and vistaril. I don’t know if you can take it with mirtazipine.

offandon,

 

1) If you started mirtazapine in August, this could be the problem. Some people react on it with severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts can get worse. In withdrawal, we react different on new meds, also - thats why I did not take any further meds. I wanted to be free of everything to finally find out if I could help myself - or would die. I did not die. I learned that my body is the wisest helper for me. It was painful. It was scary. But now I love my body, my personality, my everything - and I am able to help myself out of anything.

2) I would not add more medication, because no one has ever done a study about how those cocktails are working in our system

3) Although you felt as if you would die, you were able to write here and reach out for help. This is not a weakness, it shows how strong you are. Lots of people give up in these situations but you were able to describe your feeling, your situation, to explain and talk. Do not take this for granted. It shows that something deep inside you wants to live and will not die! Please keep this in mind for the next time, okey? I have been there so many times and finally have seen how brave I was - and so you will.

4) You said you have been medicated all your life. So this is the ultimative change for you - to find out what your body and soul needs and then to find out how to deliver that by yourself without a doctor or a med. This is a huge challenge, and I had to do that, too. But it is amazing when you reach the point you already know about your fears and you just decide not to go to the doctor and not to take another med - and you are able to help yourself. It starts with you, just holding on for another hour. Note down, what was helpful and what did not help - in order to get a list in the end, a personal skill-book that reminds you about what is helping or not.

5) You never know. This is scary, right? But its helping, too. You will notice that one day you will be suicidal, and the next day its gone.  this can give hope...

 

You are brave and tough - you will survive this. No doubt about it.

Here comes a hug from an ex-polydrugged person - now absolutely med-free. .. after over 5 years tapering..

Marigold

offandon,

 

1) If you started mirtazapine in August, this could be the problem. Some people react on it with severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts can get worse. In withdrawal, we react different on new meds, also - thats why I did not take any further meds. I wanted to be free of everything to finally find out if I could help myself - or would die. I did not die. I learned that my body is the wisest helper for me. It was painful. It was scary. But now I love my body, my personality, my everything - and I am able to help myself out of anything.

2) I would not add more medication, because no one has ever done a study about how those cocktails are working in our system

3) Although you felt as if you would die, you were able to write here and reach out for help. This is not a weakness, it shows how strong you are. Lots of people give up in these situations but you were able to describe your feeling, your situation, to explain and talk. Do not take this for granted. It shows that something deep inside you wants to live and will not die! Please keep this in mind for the next time, okey? I have been there so many times and finally have seen how brave I was - and so you will.

4) You said you have been medicated all your life. So this is the ultimative change for you - to find out what your body and soul needs and then to find out how to deliver that by yourself without a doctor or a med. This is a huge challenge, and I had to do that, too. But it is amazing when you reach the point you already know about your fears and you just decide not to go to the doctor and not to take another med - and you are able to help yourself. It starts with you, just holding on for another hour. Note down, what was helpful and what did not help - in order to get a list in the end, a personal skill-book that reminds you about what is helping or not.

5) You never know. This is scary, right? But its helping, too. You will notice that one day you will be suicidal, and the next day its gone.  this can give hope...

 

You are brave and tough - you will survive this. No doubt about it.

Here comes a hug from an ex-polydrugged person - now absolutely med-free. .. after over 5 years tapering..

Marigold

 

Hi marigold and thank you for the support. Thank you so much for that. It means so much as I have lost all hope and perspective. All I feel now is fear.

 

My problem might be the opposite. I’ve never been and am still not suicidal. I actually often feel like a weak person because death scares me so much and it doesn’t seem to scare those who are suicidal. I want to live so bad. Weird way to think I know.

 

If I hadn’t started the mirtazipine I would not have been able to start tapering. I was so dizzy I couldn’t get around and it helped with that. Although not so much as I get lower on klon.  I don’t know if it was the right thing or not. I don’t know what’s the right thing anymore.

 

I know I was an anxious young woman when I got on benzos  and I’m worse now. I’m a terrified person and no longer young.  But I am still trying to get off of them.

 

Amazing that you were able to do this. What a strong person you are. 

Other people mention they've found buspar helpful which I didn't so much but I did find vistaril helpful for sleeping and some anxiety relief.  I'm only mentioning bc they might be worth a try if you're thinking about going up.

 

I know it's tough but like cuzkk mentioned, focus on what you CAN do, not what you CAN'T.  Taking things slower makes a lot of sense if you can hold where you are or just slightly higher. I would not go back up bc since you've made it this far.  I'm not sure it would help and it seems people find themselves in a more difficult spot once that stops working.  I tried clonazepam after alprazolam. It worked for a bit but then it was worse to taper off.

 

I think some positive affirmations would help and some self love talk.  Here's one I liked when I had just finished my taper and was still living in hell. 

There are lots of good themes that are mentioned even if you don't connect with the speaker.  Tell yourself you can get through it bc you can. You're helping yourself by posting here and listening to others.  As was mentioned, you're stronger than you think. Be careful and stop telling yourself you CAN'T. You CAN. Agree to take your time too.

 

Thank you seltzerer. I don’t know why my brain is stuck on I can’t do this. I just think I’m not as strong as you all pre benzo so there’s no reason to think I would be during. My brain literally can’t grasp the concept of I can do this. I can’t believe I was able to get almost off last year and this year I am just so fu#ked up. I’m still holding at .157 weight.

 

I am going to ask my dr about buspar and vistaril. I don’t know if you can take it with mirtazipine.

 

Have you read through this thread?  It's a good one.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=87594.0