Waking up with crazy brain

For a while now I've been waking up in the morning, sometimes throughout the night either being scared of everything, in the pit of despair, or with the thought that I can't feel emotion or care about anything anymore. This has been taking a toll for a while and has really started to effect me. I've gone through many phases and have come to attribute all of it to tolerance withdrawal. Now that I am totally off everything (over 6 weeks now), it is changing daily. Sometimes for a day or two I'll have the same issue and then it will change to some other God awful thought running through my head that I just can't shake. This just ruins my day! Haven't had a god day in the last year. I did however have a four hour window just this week on Tuesday. OMG it was great, felt like my old self. But alas it did not last. I just recently started going to the gym, but it's not the same as when I first went. Now it's all mindless! I've always been a very technical person. I'm an engineer, musician and avid outdoors-man. Everyday seems to be worse that the day before. Getting very hard to concentrate and do anything. Work is eally suffering and I'm afraid of loosing my job of 40yrs due to lack of performance. Does this get better after time?

I want to tell you this gets better; because recently I've had some windows.

I've experienced (and am still experiencing) this same thing.

I wake up feeling this way due to nightmares though.

Then I go through the day feeling like I'm "losing my mind" and that I'll never be the same again; that THIS is the "new" me.

Then I get another window.

So that tells me we will get better.

At least it gives me HOPE that we will get better.

 

I feel like if I could just stop thinking about what I've gone through I would be worlds better. 

It's like PTSD.

 

Today I am spending a good amount of time clearing out all my books, journals, etc. from the past year.

 

I want to completely clean/organize my house and get rid of all the memories of this journey; from supplements to books to calendars to journals.

I want to claim my life back now that I'm not feeling completely dibilitated anymore.

 

We can do this!!  We are strong.  We are resilient.

We're not going crazy.

Our brains will settle down.

Claim it.

 

 

I want to tell you this gets better; because recently I've had some windows.

I've experienced (and am still experiencing) this same thing.

I wake up feeling this way due to nightmares though.

Then I go through the day feeling like I'm "losing my mind" and that I'll never be the same again; that THIS is the "new" me.

Then I get another window.

So that tells me we will get better.

At least it gives me HOPE that we will get better.

 

I feel like if I could just stop thinking about what I've gone through I would be worlds better. 

It's like PTSD.

 

Today I am spending a good amount of time clearing out all my books, journals, etc. from the past year.

 

I want to completely clean/organize my house and get rid of all the memories of this journey; from supplements to books to calendars to journals.

I want to claim my life back now that I'm not feeling completely dibilitated anymore.

 

We can do this!!  We are strong.  We are resilient.

We're not going crazy.

Our brains will settle down.

Claim it.

 

 

Thank you so much for the reply! I feel exactly the same about wishing I could forget all the the things I've gone through with this. I'm glad you're able to do things around the house. I've seemed to loose that ability in the last month or so. I just get this overwhelming avoidance like I'm scared of doing anything. I used to wake up every hour during a dream and feel the awful terror about absolutely nothing and sometimes couldn't get back to sleep. This was when I was still on K. Now on nothing and thank God I can sleep at least 4 hrs but waking with the terror and or thought like you said "Losing my mind and will I ever be the same again". I know how I should feel but just can't seem to get there. Don't have the ambition for anything and just can't feel anything about or for anything. I keep telling myself it's withdrawal and will end some time. As a matter of fact I'm starting to yell at myself (lol) saying, enough is enough...leave me alone and let me live my life. So far this isn't working though. I just don't know what to do anymore, I most likely have over researched this whole thing (it's what I do) and made things worse but I just don't see how reading could cause all this.

I could have written this myself, feel very similar. Thought I was getting back on track after nasty setback from antibiotic but yesterday had severe muscle pain all day and could barely move and then horrific adrenaline surges all night causing sheer terror. Today I feel so despondent, husband given up on me really after 18 months of me being so unwell. I'm so sick of this lonely terrifying journey that if I met the grim reaper I'm pretty sure I'd go along with him.