Hello, I'm ashamed to admit that I was taking so much

I left the inpatient rehab AMA (against medical advice) almost a week ago, I was on Gabapentin and it seemed to work for me but when trying to quit taking it I felt similar withdrawal effects as I was from Xanax. I

My usage with benzos has been almost 9 years and within the past 2-3 years I was taking 20+ mg's a day...I guess I kept self medicating to the point of becoming a zombie. I'm down to 4mg's a day after 4 months of a rapid taper. It has been a living hell, almost like a bad trip that won't stop. I'm currently looking into the Ashton Manual to taper off Valium instead. As embarrassed I am for letting it get out of control this is my first step to finding others in my situation.

Welcome to BenzoBuddies!  We are glad you decided to join us.  You'll find a lot of support and information on this forum, which is the only one of its kind online. Rapid tapers or c/t's can cause severe symptoms, so it might be a good idea to slow your taper some if your symptoms are too strong.

For those starting a taper, we generally recommend starting out at a rate of 5 to 10% every 10-14 days, then adjusting the taper to suit your own needs.  Note: very short term users may be able to taper faster.

Withdrawal symptoms, which vary widely but commonly include anxiety and insomnia, often occur during a taper, but these are temporary and will get better in time.  In general, first tapers are easier, but cold turkeys or multiple withdrawals may be more severe and longer lasting.  Here are a few links to get you started:

The Ashton Manual, a concise reference for tapering and symptom issues.

Withdrawal Support (during your taper)

Once again, welcome!

I left the inpatient rehab AMA (against medical advice) almost a week ago, I was on Gabapentin and it seemed to work for me but when trying to quit taking it I felt similar withdrawal effects as I was from Xanax. I

 

My usage with benzos has been almost 9 years and within the past 2-3 years I was taking 20+ mg's a day...I guess I kept self medicating to the point of becoming a zombie. I'm down to 4mg's a day after 4 months of a rapid taper. It has been a living hell, almost like a bad trip that won't stop. I'm currently looking into the Ashton Manual to taper off Valium instead. As embarrassed I am for letting it get out of control this is my first step to finding others in my situation.

Hello! Welcome here!

The mods will welcome you and so will others. I just wanted to jump in and tell you congrats! Congrats that you have begun the journey to heal yourself, to get all information that you need to make your own decisions! Your taper was extremely rapid as it seems to be normal at rehabs - maybe you should ask others on which dosage you should start with valium. Do you have a doctor who is willing to go that road with you?

However - I was polydrugged and I am still struggling - but only with the consequences of having tapered wrong and the circumstances that do come with a life that only is surviving.. But I can only tell you that the best way to get a better life is to get rid of the benzos.

You should add a signature, in which you tell which meds you took / are taking, since when, and so on. Thats important for all of us so we can understand better and give advice.

For now - stay brave and follow your heart and gut - it is your body and you will find out which way is the best to recover.

Many of us here have walked through hell or still spend some trips there - we all know the fire, the demons and the devil there

You are not alone.

I wish you the best!

Marigold

I will figure out how to sticky my previous use of medications. I have never took any other medications, although I have been addicted to Vicodin then Percocet then heroin, cocaine, and fentenayl all in the past 2-3 years along with benzos, Xanax to be specific. I was able to kick the opiates at home but I know I need professional help for the Xanax. I slept for days to get off cocaine and to get off the opiates I used Percocet for a month and then 2 weeks of Red kratom and then cold turkey. I wish I could say the same about Xanax.

I want to live I know my drug use is a symptom of the real problem and that is me being unhappy with my life. I don't ever want to go thru that again, luckily I have family to help me get through all of this, I can't believe how much support I have from my Mother! I'm 34 years old and started taking Vicodin and Valium after being involved in a shooting. I have had a few close calls. I feel like it isn't my time yet. My addiction to benzos has been going strong for 9 years and I've tried to quit more times than I can count, I've missed out on life, my memory is horrible. I forget peoples faces, important dates. I lacked personal hygiene and have given up so many times and it makes me sad but I keep reminding myself practice makes perfect.

The rehab assured me that they "specialized" in benzo withdrawal...That was a lie. It's sad they would do that and I still don't know if this is my addiction talking or me or both. The last year has been dedicated to fentenayl and benzos, I slept 16-18 hours a day. I was just a vegetable basically. Again I want to live and I'm very ashamed of my behavior. I even tried suicide with the fent but I passed out before I could do enough, I'm so glad it wasn't real strong or God doesn't want me yet.

I'm currently seeking help from a doctor and outpatient counseling, it's very hard to find a doctor though. I'm not giving up, I'm currently taking glutamine and I'm waiting on NAD pills. My brother has recommended Lions Mane and e3live and he also recommended I get intravenous amino acid therapy. If I could afford it I would do it...By me telling family it has boosted my performance in recovery. I can't emphasize this enough. All the meditation and praying will not fix us over night, but I encourage both also. If you are not into religion you will be by the time you are in full withdrawal, the hallucinations are scary enough but if your like me and look at the internet for help and you keep seeing how benzo withdrawal can kill you it makes it even scarier. I asked this question to professionals and they don't know the answer, I looked it up online and can't find a case where benzo withdrawal was the sole purpose for their death, it's usually accompanied with something the hospital gave them, I'm not saying this can't happen but I think the odds are more likely that I would OD from Xanax than die from the withdrawal. Especially with the amount I was taking. I still managed to get a Bachelor's Degree in Business and hide my addiction from those who don't know me very well, I lost all my childhood friends. Isolating myself has become the normal for me, I have no real friends anymore. I chose this so I couldn't be judged, it took me a while to learn the reason I think people are so judgmental, the reason is I'm very judgmental. We look at others as if they are a mirror. Without making this much longer I just wanted to say I'm not judgmental of anyone on here, I see very similar stories and reactions to this dangerous drug on benzobuddies and I will continue my fight and keep everyone posted on how my recovery is going. My taper has been way to quick and if I could prolong it I would but I'm not working and I need to start working and have a life I need to get back to, if I could find a doctor that would work with me I would take it slower but I have a limited supply left. I will continue to find the right doctor and take a safer approach. My ultimate goal is to open a rehabilitation center that really does specialize in benzo withdrawal. If that were to happen I would make sure the patients came for outpatient prior to inpatient and then do inpatient when they are at the end of their taper. The key word is taper, taper, taper! If I would have quit cold turkey when taking 20+ mg's a day I could see the seizures more likely and definitely the possibility of death. If you know someone who is going through benzo withdrawal please don't send them to a 30 day rehab, it's not long enough. We are temporarily psychotic while in this withdrawal, the paranoia and anxiety is debilitating. I literally have a hard time just getting up to use the restroom. I'm scared I'll fall over having a seizure, I'm so dizzy I can barely see sometimes, I have to ask people if voices or other people are real or not. I feel like I have schizophrenia and almost like I'm in a bad trip that won't end, I'm tired but I can't sleep, I close my eyes and I get dizzier, I can't even answer the phone for family when it get past 4-5 hours of no benzos, sometimes I fel like I died and I'm in hell.   

I'm sorry you've been through so much.  Many of us, me included, have been through detox experiences, mostly with very negative results.

Here is a link which will show you how to list all your meds,etc.

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