In shock today...need help badly...can I heal?

So, I've been using Benzos on and off for 6 years (all as prescribed by Rx). I don't remember the exact type of Benzo and Rx I've been on since I've been on these things for so long, so curiosity got the best of me and I went to my pharmacy and asked them to print my Rx history. I've been using the same pharmacy for the last 10 years, so I figured they have my records....and they did.

 

This was NOT a good idea. It just dawned upon me how heavy my Benzo use was as I started to flip through the document. I thought I was only on K and V....wrong. Saw a few fills for Ambien in 2015, Xanax in 2016 - at one point I was Rx'd 1 Mg of Xanax for a month straight. All that combined with my steady 10 mg Rx for Valium. I was also drinking alcohol (though not heavily) over all those years. I'm likely kindled since I've been on and off Benzos for more than 3 times, and each subsequent time I came on, I was given a higher dose. When I cold turkey'd last year I was reinstated in the ER on 4 MG of Ativan, then 3 MG of Klonopin, which I've been tapering for over a year now.  Oh, not to mention I was on some heavy doses of antibiotics due to ongoing sinus infections, so yep, could have been floxxed as well.

 

Have been in a panic attack and convinced myself that I will never heal and be functional again. How do people heal from taking such high and erratic doses of Benzos? I had no idea it was this bad, or at least I didn't remember it all. Kind of explains why I've been so symptomatic all this time.

 

SHIT!!!!! Please tell me I will heal. I wish I never went to the pharmacy to get these records. Ignorance is bliss but now I know how much damage has been done.

 

Curled up in a ball now on the floor and feeling all alone. Not sure what to do. So much pain, so much frustration. I need some reassurance badly.

Maybe it was good you did that. Sometimes its an eye opener. I had a similar one years before.

 

The only thing you know for sure is - you are now tapering.

You are much wiser.

You will not take any further "medication".

Thats a good thing.

 

I was polydrugged and I do heal. Very very slowly but seen only from that aspect - I do heal. The circumstances of my life are now the biggest challenge - its hard to build up a life again after this journey, - but thats a point you have not reached yet or never will - so focus on the now.

 

Its our decision. You wanted to change something and you do now. Thats huge.

Dont blame yourself - now is now.

Every med for me was a poison and I noticed when it left my body and it took a long time to recover from.

 

No need to panic!

You just face the next moment. Not more.

For now, get off the floor, give yourself a hug, do that  into the mirror - smile like an idiot and then eat something and have a glass of water.

Tell yourself your body will be thankful to recover and you will give it all the time it needs. Cause this only is logical.

 

And keep in mind that fears are so much bigger in withdrawal, okey?

Here comes a hug... a biiiiiiig biiiig hug..

 

Marigold

So, I've been using Benzos on and off for 6 years (all as prescribed by Rx). I don't remember the exact type of Benzo and Rx I've been on since I've been on these things for so long, so curiosity got the best of me and I went to my pharmacy and asked them to print my Rx history. I've been using the same pharmacy for the last 10 years, so I figured they have my records....and they did.

 

This was NOT a good idea. It just dawned upon me how heavy my Benzo use was as I started to flip through the document. I thought I was only on K and V....wrong. Saw a few fills for Ambien in 2015, Xanax in 2016 - at one point I was Rx'd 1 Mg of Xanax for a month straight. All that combined with my steady 10 mg Rx for Valium. I was also drinking alcohol (though not heavily) over all those years. I'm likely kindled since I've been on and off Benzos for more than 3 times, and each subsequent time I came on, I was given a higher dose. When I cold turkey'd last year I was reinstated in the ER on 4 MG of Ativan, then 3 MG of Klonopin, which I've been tapering for over a year now.  Oh, not to mention I was on some heavy doses of antibiotics due to ongoing sinus infections, so yep, could have been floxxed as well.

 

Have been in a panic attack and convinced myself that I will never heal and be functional again. How do people heal from taking such high and erratic doses of Benzos? I had no idea it was this bad, or at least I didn't remember it all. Kind of explains why I've been so symptomatic all this time.

 

SHIT!!!!! Please tell me I will heal. I wish I never went to the pharmacy to get these records. Ignorance is bliss but now I know how much damage has been done.

 

Curled up in a ball now on the floor and feeling all alone. Not sure what to do. So much pain, so much frustration. I need some reassurance badly.

You will heal.

 

I have read hundreds of posts and stories from all sorts of people in different phases of Benzo addiction.  They all healed or in the process of healing.

 

You have two good reasons to hope.

(1) From your signature - you are only currently at 5 mg of V - that is not so much.  I know people on 20 or even 30 mg.

(2) Your current state of symptoms are totally normal.  Look, you reduced from 8 mg to 5 mg since September.  That is almost 50%.  You tapered fast and the symptoms show you are healing.

 

In future, taper slower.  At this point, you might even hold for a few weeks or even try some Buspar.  Buspar will NOT heal you, it will just make the symptoms tolerable so you can continue  your taper.

 

Hang in there.  In the meantime, try to distract yourself for thinking about the situation.  Go to the gym or take a walk.  Keep moving.  Find something to do and do it every day while you heal.

 

 

Maybe it was good you did that. Sometimes its an eye opener. I had a similar one years before.

 

The only thing you know for sure is - you are now tapering.

You are much wiser.

You will not take any further "medication".

Thats a good thing.

 

I was polydrugged and I do heal. Very very slowly but seen only from that aspect - I do heal. The circumstances of my life are now the biggest challenge - its hard to build up a life again after this journey, - but thats a point you have not reached yet or never will - so focus on the now.

 

Its our decision. You wanted to change something and you do now. Thats huge.

Dont blame yourself - now is now.

Every med for me was a poison and I noticed when it left my body and it took a long time to recover from.

 

No need to panic!

You just face the next moment. Not more.

For now, get off the floor, give yourself a hug, do that  into the mirror - smile like an idiot and then eat something and have a glass of water.

Tell yourself your body will be thankful to recover and you will give it all the time it needs. Cause this only is logical.

 

And keep in mind that fears are so much bigger in withdrawal, okey?

Here comes a hug... a biiiiiiig biiiig hug..

 

Marigold

 

Thank you, Marigold. Your kind, uplifting words really means a lot. I am doing my best to get myself together now. Was a really rough day. Being alone in this condition is difficult, but I made it. I understand now why buddies say to take it one hour (or even one minute) at the time. I have to survive this. 

 

I'm sorry the circumstances in your life are now the biggest challenge, but it must be such a huge relief to know that you've made it this far in your journey. You must feel so good about how far you've come. There is so much rebuilding to do after this is over, but hopefully we can rebuild from a position of strength and become even more resilient in the process.  Sending hugs back to you 

So, I've been using Benzos on and off for 6 years (all as prescribed by Rx). I don't remember the exact type of Benzo and Rx I've been on since I've been on these things for so long, so curiosity got the best of me and I went to my pharmacy and asked them to print my Rx history. I've been using the same pharmacy for the last 10 years, so I figured they have my records....and they did.

 

This was NOT a good idea. It just dawned upon me how heavy my Benzo use was as I started to flip through the document. I thought I was only on K and V....wrong. Saw a few fills for Ambien in 2015, Xanax in 2016 - at one point I was Rx'd 1 Mg of Xanax for a month straight. All that combined with my steady 10 mg Rx for Valium. I was also drinking alcohol (though not heavily) over all those years. I'm likely kindled since I've been on and off Benzos for more than 3 times, and each subsequent time I came on, I was given a higher dose. When I cold turkey'd last year I was reinstated in the ER on 4 MG of Ativan, then 3 MG of Klonopin, which I've been tapering for over a year now.  Oh, not to mention I was on some heavy doses of antibiotics due to ongoing sinus infections, so yep, could have been floxxed as well.

 

Have been in a panic attack and convinced myself that I will never heal and be functional again. How do people heal from taking such high and erratic doses of Benzos? I had no idea it was this bad, or at least I didn't remember it all. Kind of explains why I've been so symptomatic all this time.

 

SHIT!!!!! Please tell me I will heal. I wish I never went to the pharmacy to get these records. Ignorance is bliss but now I know how much damage has been done.

 

Curled up in a ball now on the floor and feeling all alone. Not sure what to do. So much pain, so much frustration. I need some reassurance badly.

You will heal.

 

I have read hundreds of posts and stories from all sorts of people in different phases of Benzo addiction.  They all healed or in the process of healing.

 

You have two good reasons to hope.

(1) From your signature - you are only currently at 5 mg of V - that is not so much.  I know people on 20 or even 30 mg.

(2) Your current state of symptoms are totally normal.  Look, you reduced from 8 mg to 5 mg since September.  That is almost 50%.  You tapered fast and the symptoms show you are healing.

 

In future, taper slower.  At this point, you might even hold for a few weeks or even try some Buspar.  Buspar will NOT heal you, it will just make the symptoms tolerable so you can continue  your taper.

 

Hang in there.  In the meantime, try to distract yourself for thinking about the situation.  Go to the gym or take a walk.  Keep moving.  Find something to do and do it every day while you heal.

 

Thanks, Bob7. Appreciate the word of confidence that I will heal. Somehow my brain has convinced itself that it's game over for me, so I need to get myself out of this state of mind. I agree that my taper was fast, but there is no way of going back. I switched to a liquid formulation, which will allow me to taper a bit more slowly now. That said, my doc wants me off the meds sooner rather than later - and while I am in control of my taper, I do get the subtle reminder to not give up and keep pushing forward.

 

Thanks for the suggestion on Buspar. I actually gave that med do for you. I take propranolol which helps with the skipped heart beats and rise in BP. Did Buspar mainly help you with the anxiety? Did you have any S/X?

So that was you that recommended it to me? Sorry I forgot.

It reduces anxiety which fixes the chest pain. My doctor said chest pains were due to the state of anxiety causing you to keep your chest muscles flexed all the time and they get tired and then so you get chest pains.

Hi Malak..

 

Not so long ago I came upon a list of some of my hospital medications (the second hospital, -year 2)... Well over 50, some at insane doses, -even if short term... 3 months (one instance) of IV (PIC Line) antibiotics at the highest possible dose as to not kill me, Combined with blood tranfusions and general anaesthetics for multiple wash outs and bone graft removal etc.. -Rince Repeat.. -And god only knows what meds I was on in the initial months of induced coma and infection.. I know I was "coding" regularly, 3 times in one day at one point...

 

Now I understand Why I had to taper so slowly, why I am so sensitive, and what I need to do to heal... -Why it took me a year to taper my last 1mg of V...

For ME it was great to know the reality... perhaps made easier because I know I am healing, and I had been doing the right things for me to heal... Trust me, I had my years of doubt and hopelessness too though...

 

Yes, It is possible to untangle ourselves and get better, but it might take a lot of time...

-a small trade off, Imo...

Trust the healing power of a supported body..

Im not sure about medication taper aids, -That never ended well for me...

 

You CAN heal from this...

 

 

So that was you that recommended it to me? Sorry I forgot.

It reduces anxiety which fixes the chest pain. My doctor said chest pains were due to the state of anxiety causing you to keep your chest muscles flexed all the time and they get tired and then so you get chest pains.

 

Wow, no this is not what I meant. Stupid typo....meant that's what my doc recommended to me. My mistake. I did not recommend it to you but I am glad it worked out for you, of course 

So that was you that recommended it to me? Sorry I forgot.

It reduces anxiety which fixes the chest pain. My doctor said chest pains were due to the state of anxiety causing you to keep your chest muscles flexed all the time and they get tired and then so you get chest pains.

 

Wow, no this is not what I meant. Stupid typo....meant that's what my doc recommended to me. My mistake. I did not recommend it to you but I am glad it worked out for you, of course 

No worries.  I wish I could recall who recommended it.  Actually, I think maybe it was my doctor.  We did all the normal heart tests to try to figure out my chest pain.  When all tests came back normal, he said the chest pain must be due to anxiety creating muscle spasms and he said the Buspar would take the edge off the anxiety.  Not a fix, but more of a helping hand so I could continue my taper.

 

Hi Malak, I was appalled too to realize that I have taken benzos for 8 years. I just saw my psychiatrist, the same one I've been seeing for 8 years & told her I don't want to take the Ativan any more. She told me not to be stubborn...and a few choice things...She wrote me a script for more Ativan. Not sure that I will go back to her. At any rate, the point is you are not alone.  The mind & the psyche are mysteriously resilient....well at least they were when we were kids. Anyways....I may just tear that script up We're in this man

:)hi Malak85,

 

You've been doing fantastic!  

 

I've read so many posts and I'm coming away with is that everyone needs to start learning how to ease up on themselves.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, but we also need to be our own cheerleaders, too!  

 

It was probably a shock to the system to see it in print But you've made marvelous strides. 

 

I see you also mention antibiotics.  I'm going to share with you, b/c I've had sinus infections for a number of years and was frequently prescribed antibiotics.  I've also had 2 bouts of c. difficile colitis, the 2nd of which was very severe and left me ill for 5 months.  C. diff is a gastro. infection; not  colitis).  I was fortunate in that I didn't need to be hospitalized, but now I am not supposed to ever take antibiotics!  My gastro. informed me that if I do, I run the risk of c. difficile colitis again; of course, not telling me how I'm supposed to get through the rest of life without ever needing an antibiotic.  What dr. did say is that if I must, if it's a cut, apply topical; anything else & I need to weigh the benefits and risks.  The 1st bout I may have gotten from taking antibiotics too frequently...so that's why I'm addressing this topic.  The 2nd bout was not from that, b/c I hadn't taken any in a year (which was a long stretch for me) and occurred immediately after attending a show in a nearby city, where I ate something, which I'd never before done in theatre, either having a nice meal before or after.  Good intentioned friend purchased snacks, which I did refuse and then ended up nibbling a little just to appease her (trust your gut..lilterally!)   Now, I have air purifiers in home and will only take a cold medicine (no sinus meds. b/c blood pressure runs on the borderline/high side) with a nasal spray. 

 

Ddyw9-I'm blown away that the psychiatrist just wrote you a RX for more ativan, after what sounds like disparaging you.  We're not supposed to get down on doctors here ( ), but when a physician isn't listening to you, perhaps it's time to find another.  I don't know how else your psychiatrist is helping (if at all) but after a lot of research on this and reading other posts confirming what I've read, it would seem the people who have found a physician knowledgeable about benzos...their long-term side effects and benzo w/d, those physician's are in the minority. 

 

I wish you all good healing, comfort and strength