The Fight of My Life Made Me Stronger

Soulman, flipperty, Vica55; seltzerer

thank you buddies. Good luck and healing happens. It may take awhile,  but it does. The moderators and buddies here continually reassured me ...and they were right!

foolscapfire

.... I was 61 when I started, you’re a youngster at 50 

It seems impossible but it happened for me and I’m 66 now. You will do it. I had the worst emotional

torment and insomnia. If I can, you will surely.

B strong

Thank you so much for the well wishes. My life isn’t perfect, especially as a Medicare person now lol

But, it’s wonderful really. Getting through that 3 + year taper, just opening my eyes everyday and being able to go anywhere without the fear , is absolutely the best. 

 

 

What a story!! It's too bad we have to hear doctors laughing at "such a low dose," but you were fortunate that the doctor didn't cut you off. Thank goodness for that!!

 

I'm SO GLAD to know you can drink coffee. I cannot as of yet, and it really pains me. Unfortunately, I c/t'd .5 mg. Ativan, then went on to Klonopin for the rest of the 1 mg. of Ativan I was taking. I didn't know I was hooked on 1 mg. Taken "as needed," I thought I was doing okay. No, no, no. I went on to make many mistakes, and that's why I'm protracted. At almost 5 years off and also 66 years of age, this will whip your butt like nothing flat, but I still have positive thoughts of healing no matter what I've been through. Recovering from Bactrim now. What a cruel drug, although hopefully it did its job!

 

THANK YOU FOR WRITING YOUR SUCCESS STORY!!! I am always continuously amazed at the resilience and strong human spirit of people such as yourself who go through trial after trial and still become well. You've earned the right to be anything you want to be, to do anything you want, and to say anything you want!! May you have a wonderful life filled with blessings far and wide!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Rosegal, humble thanks for leaving a success story of grit and grace. Such a blessing to read about your beautiful new life. So very happy for you!

 

I, too, tapered directly from Ativan, so I know how excruciatingly painful it is - words can never convey the extent... But you're on the other side now - and, one day, I will be too. Thank you again.

 

Wishing you a magical, light-filled Christmas!

 

Warmly,

Lara

Dear Rosegal,

Seeing your success story brought me much happiness! I well remember your struggles. What a long road and one that tests us in ways nothing else can. I'm so glad to hear you've reached the other side! One small step at a time...you did it!

 

I'm amazed at the strength we find deep within. We are resilient and wise. I know that now after this experience and will carry it with me to face what life brings. I just lost my beloved dog to cancer (I recall your sweet dogs loss too) and know I will find my way through the grief. We are resilient.

 

Wishing you continued healing and growth,

Carita

 

 

So very proud to have walked beside you through this horror.. I look back with affection on our side by side rocky road trying to navigate our way through the nightmare . And it was a nightmare ,no denying that .. like you Valium just did not work for me either ..  but We DID IT !!

I’m not completely out of the woods yet , but 90% ... for me the insomnia is,and was ,and I suspect always will be  my stumbling block .

Congratulations my dear friend and buddy . A beautiful success story .. at our age every minute counts . We are seeing the world in colour again ..  not  black and white ... ❤️❤️❤️❤️

 

I am glad you are better.

 

These stories lift me up and make me feel a lot better about what im going thru. And i know it makes others feel better as well. Most of us on this site are in the middle of this and these stories really help.

What do you do with the severe nervousness?

What a compelling story, rosegal! Thanks so much for sharing it here. And congratulations to you! You're one heckuva strong, courageous woman! It's stories like yours that remind the rest of us that we, too, can be resilient. We can follow your lead.

 

I wish you all the best.

Congratulations, Rosegal!  Thank you for posting your success story.  It gives a tremendous amount of hope to those of us in the thick of it.  I too just jumped off of Ativan after a 5 month taper.  I was on it for a total of 14 months including taper.  I probably went to fast and the doctor had me update to divide it across the day verses just taking it at night.  Probably not a good idea in hindsight, but I'm done (2 months off) and struggling pretty bad.  Praying for healing and a full recovery for all of us.  Happy Holidays!

Rose, I remember you from 6 years ago when I was a lot more active here. You went through an equally awful WD as I did. We are survivors. But what a huge toll it took.

Do you, like me, look back now in utter wonder and horror at how close you came to dying because of benzos???

 

I consider myself fully healed nopw, but I do haver a few mild symptoms that ONLY started in WD. They are mild and manageable to me. I laugh them off or ignore them.

 

 

One of the oddest things that happened to me during WD was becoming quite OCD about several things. Ants, for one. Tiny creatures that cannot hurt me seemed overwhelming back then. And my home WAS full of ants due to my extensive garden and not being able to afford anexterminator. Ants never bothered me before, so itr had to be benzo WD. And cleaning. I started cleaning my pwn home back then and did many silly things. Once I started to heal, this OCD thing got stronger. And once I was fully healed and able to work again, I put this new "talent" to use. I think this is a good example of the brain "damage" benzos can cause. But THIS change (damage) ended up being GOOD for me. Go figure.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will help many others.

east

 

Rosegal,

 

Amazing story. You did it.  Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy the rest of your life. You deserve every happiness. You give me hope. I'm in my senior years and at times worry that I'm too old to get through this. Thank you so much for sharing. You are making a difference in so many sad, painful lives right now...

 

 

 

Rose, I remember you from 6 years ago when I was a lot more active here. You went through an equally awful WD as I did. We are survivors. But what a huge toll it took.

Do you, like me, look back now in utter wonder and horror at how close you came to dying because of benzos???

 

I consider myself fully healed nopw, but I do haver a few mild symptoms that ONLY started in WD. They are mild and manageable to me. I laugh them off or ignore them.

 

 

One of the oddest things that happened to me during WD was becoming quite OCD about several things. Ants, for one. Tiny creatures that cannot hurt me seemed overwhelming back then. And my home WAS full of ants due to my extensive garden and not being able to afford anexterminator. Ants never bothered me before, so itr had to be benzo WD. And cleaning. I started cleaning my pwn home back then and did many silly things. Once I started to heal, this OCD thing got stronger. And once I was fully healed and able to work again, I put this new "talent" to use. I think this is a good example of the brain "damage" benzos can cause. But THIS change (damage) ended up being GOOD for me. Go figure.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will help many others.

east

 

how did you put that talent to use? Just curious cause still in the capital where we focus on things we shouldn't..

thank you so much for this.  exactly what i needed to read right now.  so glad you feel good!!!

Such a beautifully written success story.  Congradulations!! Carem

I love your story. You are my hero.

 

 

Its been almost two years ago. Jan 1, 2017 that I took my last speck of Ativan.

I’ve wanted to write a healed (success story) so often, yet put it off.

A few times I typed an entry but lost it because of low power or just who knows what...

 

I was a technical writer, engineer for Boeing. I later went back to school to be a nurse.

A family. Active, sociable, we owned a medical infusion company.  Faced with menopausal issues at age 51, unable to take hormones....I was prescribed Ativan. The racing heart, hot flashes, restless sleep....all taken care of...... the beginning of the end.

Years and dosing increases to maintain the chill. The calm.

Then the fears came of running out of my pills. Losing them. Planning outings and events around my doses. 

I reached tolerance. Even as a nurse, I had little experience with benzo dependence. My anxiety increased despite taking my Ativan. Interdose syomtons. A paradoxical effect. Researching on the internet on how to stop Ativan, I discovered Benzobuddies.

My blog, my diary, is my journey over 3 plus years of trial and error. Fear to freedom.

 

When I jumped, I was feeling pretty good. Not sleeping well, but lots of other bothersome  symptoms were disappearing.

 

My blog is thorough and intense, full of daily fear and sadness.

I read Ashton. Stumbling upon the Valium crossover thread, it seemed that this was the benzo bus to be on. Professor Ashton laid out the taper from Valium. Many buddies seemed to be reducing steadily and with success. After much help from the forum and special buddies, I made the switch.

Many months went by, but Valium was unkind to me. To be sure, I read about the effect on some people and even Ashton herself noting that Valium isn’t for everyone.

I switched back to Ativan feeling as if I failed, a set-back. More lost time. When youre in your sixties, time is more precious. My sadness, feeling sorry myself was changing into unsettling frustration.

Anger.

Finally pulling up my shitkickers, I resolved to stop fretting about it and get back to a plan.

Thats number one. Start over.

I dry cut Ativan all the way down with a $ 20 Gemini scale I was told about, purchased from Amazon. Cedartree’s taper became a guide for me. Laserjet, River Wolf, Saga, and the Ativan thread buddies  like Bozobertie held my hand. They helped and inspired me more than they could ever know.

 

While tapering over 3 years, family members passed, my sweet mother-in-law, a dear cousin, my beloved dog of 13 years died suddenly(my devoted companion), lost our family owned business, lost savings, endured an insensitive spouse, the loss of friendships, time. Time ...precious Time and yes, money too.

ER visits continually for panic attacks, shaking, cardiac irregularities, gastrointestinal issues and tests, 3 hospital stays on the mental health-behavioral unit for depression and insomnia, endocrinologist, rheumatologist, psychiatrists, neurologists, etc....all trying to alleviate or fix my problems.

Almost ECT therapy, it was presented to me several times in the ward, several doctors said I was psychotic and should shock my brain...but I watched patients return after treatments and decided that wasn’t for me. There were no guarantees.

 

I bought books on meds, special anxiety mood diets, recovery, positive thinking self help,

relaxation tapes, supplements... magnesium, inositol, vitamins C, D.....

I was prescribed every drug known for insomnia. I was on ADs off and on...Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor,  Zoloft, Elavil, Remeron ...more I can’t recall..

 

Off caffeine, no sugar, no this no that.

I had genetic testing for MFHTR or something or another.

More doctors, more testing more Time. Gone gone ....

 

I was lost in terror in my own mind. Looping intrusive thoughts...cried all day.

Estranged from my son much of my taper. I’m sure he was always unsure and scared.

My grandson was a young teen. I missed many parties, visits, his school functions and sports.

 

I experienced the worst debilitating insomnia of my life. I don’t think I slept for three years.

The Valium switch for me personally worsened my depressive state. I became lethargic, helpless, hopeless. A dark, lost frightening place.

My husband tried to hire a private nurse to stay with me. We couldn’t afford it. We were both worried about my worsening hopelessness. I never had a plan, yet I thought about not being able to survive the taper.

 

The 4 am cortisol surges. Zappped my body head to toe like electrical shocks.

I tried orange juice mixed with Himalayan sea salt and honey on advice. No help for me...

A technique called tapping. I tapped my temples, forehead, chin...for hours.

You’ll try just about anything for relief.

 

Bed, to couch to chairs...all day long.

Crying at 1 am 2 am....then the zaps.

Hubby would leave for work with me begging and crying for him to stay. My friends and neighbors worked also.

Just my dog and I, missing her to this day.

It’s was a frightening, often unpredictable, wearisome journey. as many were.

I never talk about it anymore. It’s power greatly diminished. For me, it’s best. A time of merely surviving minute to minute, day to day.  I’m living now.

 

I can’t say right now what day it was .....probably right after the third hospitalization for my severe depression, after the F*$#ing doctors telling me I’d need more meds, shock treatments, probably long term care because I was heading towards being “a dependent”. That thought petrified me.

After a minute I thought F this, if I’m going down, it’ll be my way with what med I’m familiar with...

my old coheart, Ativan...

I dropped the weekly psyche Dr. and the weekly therapist, the ones wanting me on more meds.

I stayed pleasant with my prescribing Dr. although he believed I could taper in 4 weeks....Lol.

I begged him to provide my Ativan 30 day supply continuing to the end.

He was reluctant initially but agreed....belittling me and saying I was overly preoccupied with getting off a “teeny-tiny” white pill. He said, I was draaaaggggging it out .....

 

I remember reading about buddies who tapered directly from Ativan, dry cut. No ligiuds , no titration,

just cut, shave, weigh it. Simple was what my brain needed.

I sought them out.

Always good in algebra, I bought the scale, an exacto knife and a cheap nail file.

Learning how to reduce doses by a percentage actually was the catalyst needed which motivated me.

I did my calculations every 7 to 10 days....loaded my pill box.

Feeling empowered and determined, I never looked back....never updosed again..

I still had zaps, shaking when I drove. Sleep continued to be near nothing, but I rested all day.

I just kept going.

My bed was my safe place.

Oh yeah.....

I didn’t shower every day....didn’t clean my house for weeks at a time. Didn’t cook much

I had agoraphobia all through my taper. Afraid to shop for food. Afraid to walk the dog. Awful. To think about that fear to go places....to be frozen with fear to walk down the street.... my poor sweet dog missed so so much too. So very tragic and sad.........but pissed...

I was getting pissed....

every day I thought what this benzo had taken from my ordinary life.  That anger helped me.

 

When I took the last crumb....just dust really......I felt invigorated.

 

My mom is ill with dementia, I’m her POA and help with her care everyday.

This began in my taper. I was a wreck doing her paperwork for new doctors, for her new facility.

She had two eye surgeries and broke an arm with a fall.

She stayed in my home.

How could I care for her when I couldn’t even comb my hair everyday?

You find a reserve of strength. You pray. You fall in a puddle of tears on the floor. You chant affirmations. You just do it.

After a while, those adverse times, the challenges that come up in the withdrawal process, fortify you. They will occur. Death, funerals, illness, operations, job loss, adult children problems, root canals, weddings, the furnace going out....the events of life.

If you could survive, evenly badly through what you thought would kill you ...there’s realization that you’re gonna be okay. You’ve been okay so far, so this taper thing may just happen. Hope.

There it is.

 

I’m 66 years young. I ache. I sleep better, but still not all night. You know. I wake and read. I go back to sleep. No panic. I’ll sleep when I sleep. 

I drink coffee, love my good food, desserts.

No four bedroom house, three car garage anymore. Gave things away....Outgrown, minimized.

We’ve moved to a condo. I feel lighter, free. I’m happy almost every day. Loving the morning especially.

I love to travel.... Ca, Washington, alone across the US.

I’m out, engaging and living everyday. Colors are more vivid. Stopping in museums, rides in the country, loud movie theaters, each day’s  an adventure. Catching sunrises and sunsets as much as possible.

 

No supplements. No special diet.

No glamorous life. No cruises. No personal trainer. No spas, nothing fancy. I just do what I like.

I didn’t go back to my old self at all. I’m a new person. I don’t much ever talk about the past 5 years.... staying busy and happy in the present, moving forward.

 

I speak up. The tapering years destroyed my spirit for awhile. My voice was fragile, too soft.

My backbone was gone. Enduring ridicule, names, having doors shut in my face. Shrinking away. Feeling odd, less than. Pitied and ignored.

No bullying anymore in this house. No deer in the headlights. The pain gave me strength I never had before.

 

BB was my beacon. My lifeline. It’s been a positive, rewarding experience. Without this forum, my recovery and wellness wouldn’t have happened. That I’m sure of.

The people ...Colin, Juliea, Pianogirl....administrators and moderators, Challis, Grinch, Beth, my tribe of buddies,....ATU, Jackie, Ellen, Bozobertie, VCharris, Moya, Lainey, Laserjet, Moo, Tex, Ingrid, Mary, Michele, Rabbit, Sophia,  so many to name, dear supportive, reassuring friends here day and night.

Sharing hope, sharing kindness. Sharing possibilities , humor,..... being real......genuine.

 

Perhaps I’ve forgotten more of my journey. Perhaps that’s good.

The three basics vital to my taper were;

 

The “Plan” (the med and how you taper)

Time

Patience

 

Prayer helped me also, I’m a woman of faith in my higher power. The universe, God. I never prayed to be cured....never prayed for a miracle.

I prayed for strength. Courage. Patience and tenacity.

 

Distractions not necessarily helped, but passed the long days into nights.

BB, cuddling with my dog, tv comedies, Frazier. Old movies. Deep breathing exercises by Dr. Andrew Weil helped. Tinkering in my garden of roses when I could get outside. Music. Oldies from the 60s and 70s. Walking in my house up and down stairs and around the garage. Phone calls with some of the best buddies. Those lavender, epsom salt, hot bath soaks.

 

Physical symptoms weren’t my primary horrors. No burning skin, no dryness, no tinnitus, tight muscles, etc...

Only insomnia and a feeling of heaviness/ fatigue.... but, all the emotional withdrawal sypmtoms.

The Zappy anxiety and the mental anguish. Paranoia. Despair. My mind was tormenting me constantly.

Mistakes from my past. Worries about the future. Rehashing dark moments over and over.

That all began to lift as I got lower in dose. It was the most gratifying change.

I don’t know how popular the getting better as you get lower status is......but I noticed.

My family noticed. I was recovering. It was happening.

 

There are no residual symptoms bothering me. No flare ups No waves.

What I feel at 66 yrs old is normal.  I ache, my muscles get fatigued, weak, and sleep is crummy,

but I feel better than fine.

I feel wonderful despite it all.

 

Buddies reassured me of healing. There was doubt. It may not happen for me. I’ll be protracted.

With hours ahead of me each day, I read their success stories ,their blogs.

I began to believe and trust that I could also recover.  I fought for Me.

My toughest fight in life’s journey thus far.

Life is good, simply waking up to zero zaps. Not abandoning the grocery cart in the aisle. Being able to walk around the lake at the park. Sitting to watch a movie in a theater.... driving to the theater.

 

Withdrawing from benzos is difficult. Healing is different for each person. BB provides the support needed that can’t be met from family, friends or most of the medical profession, usually.

The success stories are the endings to benzos, but they are the beginnings of new life.

The pain is worth it. You learn so much. Gratitude and appreciation for ordinary daily activities.

It sounds corny maybe, but I’m generally happy everyday.

 

Keep going. If you’re sidetracked or have setbacks as we do.....let it be and move forward.

Fight for you...

 

 

 

 

Sincerely, Rosegal 😘🌹❤️

Thank you for sharing. That was beautiful! 

Bump!!! Hope for another day!  A true Benz withdrawal survivor!  Thank you. 

What a Story of hope and great determination. What a wonderful writer that Rosegal IS.

I used to have Actors and Athletes as heroes, but nothing like a benzo survivor.

 

God’s Speed Everyone,

 

HopeFull01

 

 

 

🥳

Thanks for sharing.

Bump

My hero 💪

Very powerful and so well written.  This gives me much hope.

Wow what an amazing story. I wish I was a as strong as you. This is the most horrific and humiliating soul destroying journey I've ever been on. It has taken every part of my and smashed it to bits and I no longer know who I am. Those evil looping intrusive thoughts mixed with my other mental anguish and my physical brain issues. Ptsd and paranoia agoraphobia...how am I going to raise my son? It feels like I don't love him anymore and I've been at this so long already. Would love to chat with you

Such an amazing story and so eloquently written. I can relate to so much of it.  Praying that I reach that other side… the side of healing…. very soon.

 

Thank you!!