243 Days - Life Has Begun Anew

To kick this off, I’d say this community was a godsend but also not as supportive as it could be. However, I felt it was my “duty” to report on my healing process.

 

    I was on Alprazolam .5 for 3-4 years. Reaching as much as 1 a day. I loved that drug, I never wanted to stop but I lost control. My marriage was ruined, social ineptitude and a nasty eating disorder. So, I called it quits and decided to regain my moral high ground.

 

    When I first jumped, I was already in a bad place. Jobless after randomly quitting my high paying retail gig, I found myself in TWO toxic relationships that didn’t know about each other. I was so lost and desperate for clarity. I tried to cold turkey. I caused irreparable damage by only doing this a few days. Albeit, i was still using heroin at this time as well to offset my symptoms (smart move, I know) I knew I had to get a taper going. I did a one month taper. During this month, I enrolled in esthetician’s school and was truly thrown. I got my world rocked, all the emotional pain I’d been sweeping under the rug reared it’s ugly head. I got hit with the “benzo belly” and it has been a severe symptom for me throughout. Sleep? That became a foreign friend that would meet up with me randomly once a week to remind me of the good times. I scratched the skin off my arms on accident. Everything in my hands was a sensation. Forgot everything, EVERYTHING. How to get home, why I was at the store and even my last name once.

 

  Towards the end of my taper, both of these “relationships” came to a nasty close. Life threw a curveball and I was left with nothing as one was picking up the expensive ticket on my life. The other was the lone bit of emotional support I had since I had moved to a new city and gotten divorced. I had no friends, no job and a hefty monthly school payment. I found a room in a basement with 3 roommates, got my finances together via sex work, something that truly saved my life. I reconnected with old friends, made amends, rapidly started making new friends and remembered what it was like to form true and sober bonds. I’ve lived this past 7-8 months in a haze of raw emotion and pain but I’ve travelled, took my health more seriously and had my eyes opened to so many new emotions and logic. I even got myself into my first healthy relationship 6 months ago!

 

    My symptoms varied widely with benzo belly and food complications being the big reoccurring. I once had heart palpitations but figured out it came from fake sugar. Spells of fatigue I’ve never experienced before, couch bound for days. Depression that came from the most minuscule triggers. Social ineptitude where Id stare through conversations with doe eyed blankness. Freezing or scalding hot, no in between. Derealization. Acne!! OCD and looped thoughts. I’d lay in bed with songs playing on repeat. Oh, I got tinnitus randomly for a month, that was perfect.

    My biggest “thing” was food. I was obsessed with it. Getting my diet just right for withdrawal, constant hunger, constantly feeling too full. This finally stopped 3 weeks ago. Serotonin is made in your gut so it made sense to me. Damnit, everything I ate triggered me though.

    I tried to run through the withdrawal, 5-7 miles a day some weeks. I was so proud but I was getting sicker. I’d turn the treadmill off and stand there not having a clue as to how to walk out of the gym or where I was going. After an injury to my knees from overuse, I had to lay-off and finally started to heal.

    Healing happens so slow and then so fast. It’s wild. I stopped crying as much, my intrusive thoughts started to creep away. I caught myself laughing. I caught myself emoting within reason. I began, for the first time in my life, to feel a sense of balance and control. The past 2 months is what led me to write this, after being able to sleep 8 hours. My benzo belly starting to ease off. Reading a book without just looking at words on a page.

      One night, after a particularly bad wave and suppressing my emotions to not be a burden, my boyfriend texted and said he’d be late for dinner. Not upsetting right? He was cordial and would still be there. I had my first real anxiety attack. I was sitting on my living room floor, knees clutched to chest, breathing through tears, whispering to myself “I’m getting worse, what’s going to happen to me?” “Why would he be late? I’m breaking up with him”. Insane thoughts. He talked me through it and I eventually went to bed. I woke up the next morning and everything had changed, it was wild. I had the feeling you have when you’ve been crying your heart out all day but there was no pain. Everything was calm, like when you’re twisting a radio knob through fuzz and then all of a sudden your favorite song.

      My ex husband recently died, he overdosed. I’ve never felt so present in my grief. I was able to cry, something I’ve struggled with in the past, but not have an absolute breakdown. That’s when I knew in absolution, I was back in the drivers seat.

      Will I have another wave? Probably. But I’ll be ready for it and greet it as a sign of healing. Because I know how perfect that first window felt, I didn’t have one until month 4.

     

    What helped me: having a strong support system, freedom to set my own schedule financially, excercise (when not being over done), a diet free from artificial sweeteners, gluten, dairy, soy and low sugar, music, relearning to be easy with myself and leave judgement at the door, brain games, graphic novels and shit ton of aloe juice lol

  Recently, I figured out my acne I was having through with withdrawal was hormonal. I was put Alain Niu hormonal balance supplements and it’s now gone.

   

    I still don’t risk caffeine, alcohol or social situations I know could be tense.

 

I think I’ve managed to sum up my long yet eye opening journey well enough. I’m happy to answer any questions. A lot has happened my first full year completely sober and for once in my life, the suicidal ideation has subsided. I feel a peace I’ve never known, I have that love in my heart I thought was only real in John Green novels, I can feel that road rising to meet me and I’m so ready. I know my time in this purgatory was relatively short compared to some of the stories I’ve obsessively read but hopefully mine is a bit of reassurance, keep going - we’re all just getting started everyday.

 

 

Congratulations on your recovery. It looks like you have been the mill but the worse is behind you. What did the freezing cold feel like? I have this where I will feel cold from the waist down but my skin is warm to the touch. What did you do about it and how long did it last? Did you wake up one day and the hot cold symptoms were gone? Thanks in advance.

You've been through a lot of difficult situations and it seems you've kept your head up and continue to do so.  Congratulations to you and I hope you have continued peace.  Best.

Hi dear I am so happy for you !!!

May you kindly tell what was your last symtom and how was your last day of withdrawal??? Thank you

Congratulations on your recovery. It looks like you have been the mill but the worse is behind you. What did the freezing cold feel like? I have this where I will feel cold from the waist down but my skin is warm to the touch. What did you do about it and how long did it last? Did you wake up one day and the hot cold symptoms were gone? Thanks in advance.

 

Thank you! The cold was constant. I waddled around sweating in layers of leggings and jackets. It lasted the full 8 months. Yeah, one day I woke up and thought “wow all these layers are making me hot”. I still have temperature sensitivity, don’t go outside very much in the winter, don’t drink anything with ice and sleep with a weighted blanket even in summer. Some people say that’s the first thing to regulate but it wasn’t for me.

Hi dear I am so happy for you !!!

May you kindly tell what was your last symtom and how was your last day of withdrawal??? Thank you

 

Thank you!! I still have a few my benzo belly at times and my sleep is still wonky. My last day of withdrawal was the night of my anxiety attack which was 3 weeks ago. Since then I’ve been sound and peaceful.

Thank you for your reply . We are so greatful you returned to this forum to help us .

 

What was the irreparable damage you had?

OMG you went through to many difficult issues!

I'm happy that you are slowly healing! The best of lucks from Argentina.

Rodolfo

What was the irreparable damage you had?

 

By going cold turkey for even a short amount of time I shocked my system so badly and greatly hampered my healing my process. I had a MRI early in the process that revealed lesions and my doctor at the time attributed it to that. But as with anything with doctors and this benzo business that could be wrong.

Hi littlebo,

 

I’m having major hormonal issues as well. I tried to look up the Alain Niu supplements that you mentions but was unable to find them. Any way you could give me a little more detail about them or where to find them?

 

Thanks so much

Hi littlebo,

 

I’m having major hormonal issues as well. I tried to look up the Alain Niu supplements that you mentions but was unable to find them. Any way you could give me a little more detail about them or where to find them?

 

Thanks so much

 

https://www.alaninu.com/products/essentials-balance

 

I misspelled it! If you use let me know your results!