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Not beholden any more.....


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My benzo warrior friends...........it's Marija.

 

I've had to squirrel myself away to push through the last of this horrid taper, please forgive. But, I have returned to celebrate my crossing the checkered flag!!!  I hope some of you are still around.....

 

I'm done.  Finished.  Bon voyage and sayonara to the poisonous C16H13CIN 20....Valium!! and, to my tether to it's script and to the doctors who script it! (although, much gratitude to my doctor who was willing to sweep up the mess of the original prescriber.  It's been a rather large mess and even longer road for him to believe in my pleas of sllloooowwwww taper.......5 years!!)

 

  No longer will I embarrassingly cringe through the drive through line at Walgreens to pick up yet another bottle of pills and be peppered with questions and admonitions of their deleterious effects (like I was unaware  :idiot:); no longer concealing plastic baggies of pre-cut pill pieces in my purse, pocket, backpack or sweat pants, lounge pants, pajama pants all of which have been worn to threads form years of sitting with electrocution and trash compactor muscle pain from the damn C16H13CIN 20!  And, no more pill cutting.  Auction:  high end analytical precision balance good to .0001grams, gently used by a former addict.  Will ship anywhere if it will help another warrior gain freedom

 

I accept that my road ahead will be full of painful potholes, that healing is non-linear, and that frustration will be inevitable as I try to re-emerge..........I'll draw on my fellow warriors' encouragement who are farther down the road to remind me that healing will happen.

I will die beholden to nobody and no one.  Drawing inspiration from Mrs Dubose, the cantankerous, morphine addicted neighbour in To Kill a Mockingbird, I have completed my primary goal. No one or system (pusedo-psychiatry) will have that control over me ever again.  I'll keep moving forward until the day I can no longer feel my body and know that only then will I truly be free and healing will have happened. 

 

much love to all that have helped along the way :smitten:

Marija

 

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Congratulations and love the end quote !

Just curious before you take off on a hopefully very speedy and healthy full recovery ...you know the drill... how long were you on benzos?

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Thank you so much for posting this!  Congratulations on your new life ahead!  May it be long and healthy!

 

Thank you, Selterer. :)

 

Hope you are healing well and reclaiming you’re out life, too.

 

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Congratulations and love the end quote !

Just curious before you take off on a hopefully very speedy and healthy full recovery ...you know the drill... how long were you on benzos?

 

Offandon, thank you for the well wishes. I’m hoping healing will process smoothly but am realistic after 12 years of a benzo, 2 c/t’s, and 2 failed tapers. Will see. Hope you find your stride and find your way, too. Stay strong!

 

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Very happy for you Marija!

No matter how long the road ahead, the tapering road is one you never have to walk again.

It’s a fantastic achievement and you did it!

Have a lovely thanksgiving.

JKS

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GOOD BYE to the electrocution and trash compacting plain...  even it has yet to fully dissipate - we will no longer be inviting it back into our lives!  YES! 
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Congratulations and love the end quote !

Just curious before you take off on a hopefully very speedy and healthy full recovery ...you know the drill... how long were you on benzos?

 

Offandon, thank you for the well wishes. I’m hoping healing will process smoothly but am realistic after 12 years of a benzo, 2 c/t’s, and 2 failed tapers. Will see. Hope you find your stride and find your way, too. Stay strong!

 

Thank you for coming back and answering and for the kind words...sounds like you’re a warrior...best of everything to you !

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dearest Marija,

I'm seldom here but come occasionally to check on my friends. I noticed long ago that you had deleted your account and I was sorry that we had lost track of one another. I was touched by your strength and persistence years ago and continue to be. I am thrilled for you! I am so pleased you are free! This is a huge accomplishment Marija, soak it in!

 

I am 3 plus years off and much better though more healing is due. The skills I learned while tapering are helpful and see me through the tough times. You will continue to improve day by day. Call on your deep wisdom and patience. You've been through the first very challenging chapter... now on to the next! I believe in you.

 

With compassion and celebration,

 

Carita :smitten:

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So wonderful to read you, Carita!  :smitten:  Has it been 3 years for you already? 

I recall vividly your final taper days and description of your pain and the worn couch that carried your pain and I lean into your words.  They reassured me and gave me strength when I felt so alone in my journey of pain and unable to see the end.  Thank you.  And, I am thrilled to be free! 

 

Wishing you much continued healing :smitten:

 

 

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Hi Marija,

 

Congratulations!! That is such an achievement after so long, what great news ☺️

 

When you mentioned 2 CT’s and 2 failed tapers, how did that play out?

How long did you wait to reinstate etc?

 

Struggling atm and looking for advice :)

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Hello D-train,

 

I’m sorry you are suffering; I know that place all too well. My c/t’s left me in the same place. The only adjunct that temporarily offered pain relief was valproic acid which was given inpatient for 3 days.  Like you, everything else increased pain or altered reality making a horrible situation more dire and I discontinued within days. I reinstated after 4 months,likely waited too long, but no one would consider this an alternative at the time.

Following reinstatement, it took me many weeks to feel “stable”. My scrambled neurotransmitters needed time. 

Prior to reinstatement I also explored genetic testing to better understand my bodies role in this and to help guide my reinstatement and dosing schedule.

 

In the end, I learned that my brain/body needed time with slow adjustments as I tapered off my reinstated dose which was 3 times the amount I was originally prescribed, that updosing never offered relief from break through symptoms during tapering, that weighing pills was preferable to liquid in my body, and that moving steadily forward was needed to get off.

 

These are a few quick thoughts quickly typed on my phone (apologies for errors) before needing to get my children off to school. Please write or pm any time.

Just know that the place you are currently at will improve with time. Stay strong!

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  • 1 month later...

OMG Marija!!  Congratulations!!  I just saw this as I am not on here that much anymore and when I am, I make it quick and get off.  Wow, I am so happy for you that you are no longer tethered.  I still remember all the kind words you gave me as I started this journey, scared out of my mind.  You were like an angel who kept me going and I am forever grateful for you.  I pray that your healing continues steadily and speedily.  Whatever happens, I know you are stronger and will prevail.  I hope you are able to enjoy some time with your kids.  And I so look forward to joining you on the other side.  You can see where I'm at on my sig below. Keep in touch, my dear Marija!  :smitten:

 

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OMG Marija!!  Congratulations!!  I just saw this as I am not on here that much anymore and when I am, I make it quick and get off.  Wow, I am so happy for you that you are no longer tethered.  I still remember all the kind words you gave me as I started this journey, scared out of my mind.  You were like an angel who kept me going and I am forever grateful for you.  I pray that your healing continues steadily and speedily.  Whatever happens, I know you are stronger and will prevail.  I hope you are able to enjoy some time with your kids.  And I so look forward to joining you on the other side.  You can see where I'm at on my sig below. Keep in touch, my dear Marija!  :smitten:

 

Libr :smitten:!!!!

I look so forward to celebrating your fait accompli!  You are close and I know thoroughly research your methodology.  Hope your children are well and you are feeling as best possible at this juncture.

Sending you much  :smitten:

Marija

 

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