Crying Spells/Depression

I just cried with my wife for about an hour saying things like "I want to live through this" and "I want to live to see our daughter grow up" and "I don't want to die." I was hysterical for about an hour straight. The depression and intrusive thoughts from quitting this drug have brought me to my knees and I am seriously worried at 8 months off. Never experienced this level of depression at any point in my life, period. regardless of life circumstances.

 

No idea what more I can do. I have been working through this. Would a leave of absence help? I tend to feel worse when I'm at home. It's almost like I fear being at home. Should I go live with my parents for a while? Will any situational things help? Just seeking any form of comfort.

You’re at a really difficult stage – I went through this myself, for quite a long time, but eventually it stopped.

 

The depression can be completely debilitating, but it’s important to remember that this feeling can go on for a long time after the last of the benzos leaves your body.

 

I worked throughout this miserable process and, looking back, I don’t even know how I survived. One thing I’m sure of though is that being forced to get to the office, even when I was so sick that I had to be driven there, was better than staying home, where I actually felt just as bad, if not worse.

 

Rather than taking a full leave of absence, you might consider requesting to go part time, say three days a week if permitted.

 

I rarely went more than that because I had a lot of leave piled up, so I was allowed to use it up as ‘Family Medical Leave,’ without being penalized.

 

Please don’t despair – what you’re experiencing is classic benzo post-withdrawal depression, and it’s going to ease up. 

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, boomboxboy. I've also felt really down lately, for me it happened at about two months off. I was having several meltdowns a day and had somehow convinced myself that this was my new normal - which only made me more depressed, and on it went. But just this past week it's eased up significantly and I'm feeling much more like myself again. It's kind of reassuring to know that this is normal, so thank you LeslieAsh, your comment is helping me tonight too. Hang in there boomboxboy, you will get through this!

 

Gwinna

Thank you Leslie and Gwinna.

 

Leslie, it's good to hear that it's possible to work through this and keep a job. I have been doubting it for so long. Yes, this is pure hell. If the depressive symptoms and the insomnia could just ease up a little bit, I could cope better. I understand that I am early on in the process too. It's true that I feel just as bad at home compared to work. Some days I don't even want to leave work and have developed sort of a fear of being at home. I have talked to some other healed members who shared that same feeling of being afraid to go home and they say it just went away.

 

Gwinna, yes, I have thought many times that this is my new baseline and then my mind says I will get better, and back and forth. I'm glad you're noticing some let up in your symptoms. And I'm glad Leslie's words helped you tonight. I am a firm believer that the depression will get better, I just wish I could make my mind think that all the time when the feelings of fear and other intrusive thoughts take over.

I just cried with my wife for about an hour saying things like "I want to live through this" and "I want to live to see our daughter grow up" and "I don't want to die." I was hysterical for about an hour straight. The depression and intrusive thoughts from quitting this drug have brought me to my knees and I am seriously worried at 8 months off. Never experienced this level of depression at any point in my life, period. regardless of life circumstances.

 

No idea what more I can do. I have been working through this. Would a leave of absence help? I tend to feel worse when I'm at home. It's almost like I fear being at home. Should I go live with my parents for a while? Will any situational things help? Just seeking any form of comfort.

 

Boombox-I actually applaud you for working I know it’s so hard and I’m not the best advice giver but whatever you do don’t go on a leave on absence, one week off from work led to 2 months which led to me not being able to not leave at all from the anxiety and depression. It’s so hard now I don’t know how I’m going to get back to work because I guess I let it manifest to this point. If you have more will power then I do and won’t lock yourself up a leave of absence would probably be great for your mental health. Your family loves you and understands as does mine (thank God) if you have to go stay with your parents awhile that’s fine too! My parents take care of me like a baby and I have my own baby! I’m not embarrassed because I was doing everything I was supposed to and it’s not my fault nor yours that we were “poisened”. But whatever you do don’t let it swollow you to the point of “no return”. You are strong buddy you got this! Shout out to you! You will be healed. God bless you!

Thanks, Sunshine. It's been hard working because work is what gave me the anxiety to take the pills in the first place. Now I'm in a position where I don't really want to work because of the anxiety but feel like I have to go to work so as to not sit at home and be depressed with intrusive thoughts all day. A year ago, had I not have taken the Klonopin for the second time, I would have been fine with not working and staying at home. I have developed monophobia because of this. My wife rarely gets to leave the house because of me.

 

I just want to feel a slight improvement in the depression and insomnia areas. If these things got slightly better, I would be much closer to recovery.

Thanks, Sunshine. It's been hard working because work is what gave me the anxiety to take the pills in the first place. Now I'm in a position where I don't really want to work because of the anxiety but feel like I have to go to work so as to not sit at home and be depressed with intrusive thoughts all day. A year ago, had I not have taken the Klonopin for the second time, I would have been fine with not working and staying at home. I have developed monophobia because of this. My wife rarely gets to leave the house because of me.

 

I just want to feel a slight improvement in the depression and insomnia areas. If these things got slightly better, I would be much closer to recovery.

 

You will start improving bit by bit, boomboxboy21. 8 months off is not a whole lot of time off of this. I see that you started on these pills roughly around the same year I did. Something about the 2010-2011 period, honestly. I think a lot of people  had started on them at that time. Kind of a revival of the market for them. Sad but true.

 

Yes, the shifts (work to home, home to work, day to night, night to day) are going to be *MUCH* more pronounced in withdrawal than they would be in regular life situations. But you can do it. I've put some meditations and relaxation and coping stuff out there in a support group http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=212924.0,

so even if one of these things helps (like putting a moist, soft towel on head when feeling flushed from anxiety), it's really good.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

Thanks. Yes, I started in 2011 and quit completely in the early part of 2016. I had no issues going off and on these medications for years. I was completely off for two years and had some pretty good years until work related anxiety came up again. I then took Klonopin for 2 months, from January 2018 to March 2018. That's when I noticed interdose withdrawal. I quit abruptly c/t on March 21st and the depression has been really bad since. Did not have this level of depression or insomnia before this for the two years I was off them.

 

I just need to know the depression will get better and the sleep will get better. No matter how many times I hear it, I have to constantly hear it over and over again.

Thanks. Yes, I started in 2011 and quit completely in the early part of 2016. I had no issues going off and on these medications for years. I was completely off for two years and had some pretty good years until work related anxiety came up again. I then took Klonopin for 2 months, from January 2018 to March 2018. That's when I noticed interdose withdrawal. I quit abruptly c/t on March 21st and the depression has been really bad since. Did not have this level of depression or insomnia before this for the two years I was off them.

 

I just need to know the depression will get better and the sleep will get better. No matter how many times I hear it, I have to constantly hear it over and over again.

 

And you will get better. It will get better. It just takes a lot of time for the nervous system to slowly right itself. To me, it feels like having to "grow up" all over again and relearn all these coping skills I'd learned in a little more than 3 1/2 decades of my life before I took the 1st ativan. Yes, I'd take it on/off and didn't think I had a problem until I did. I did have so many things going on in my personal life that the whole Ativan dependency clutched in as I was solving other problems. I was bullied at work quite badly and that wasn't helping things at all and led to this very problem. Once I left that environment, I realized that my body couldn't go without ativan anymore. But I didn't know if I could stop or how to stop. I had no concept of tapering and my prescribing doctor at the time knew as much about these pills as I did, which was scary.

 

I now realize that what got me worse was my knee-jerk reactions to benzo-induced fear, which I had not known it existed. All this history of 60 years of people suffering on benzos was unknown to me at the time.

 

But yes, it did get a bit better for me. The way it got for me in 2015, it got so bad to the point that I just wanted to run to ER every 2 days or so.

 

And yes, you will get better. What got me was being in a very stressful line of work, dealing with ton of bullying and abuse at work, being lonely (used to have more people in my life before) and being a caregiver to an elderly parent. The way my life was structured at the time, I had no shot at surviving it without expanding a circle of friends and finding more help. I desperately needed it but didn't find the type of help I needed. Other than just being plain dangerous for our physical health (both while taking them and withdrawing), I've also discovered on my own skin that benzos have this terrible part about them where they stunt the spiritual/emotional growth and they freeze/worsen the anxiety threshold and can totally destruct the relatively solid coping skills that were once in place before them. Rebuilding all that takes time, but I am confident that you can do it

I'm definitely growing up and relearning how to cope with the stresses of typical adult life. I was in my early 20s when I started taking Valium: just out of college and into the first few years of my teaching career, living on my own for the first time, engaged to the love of my life.. I'm in my early 30s now, and I feel like I'm growing up all over again while having a mid-life crisis! I have battled with trauma, anxiety, and depression my entire life. They've taken their toll. Valium blunted things for a decade that I should have spent maturing.

 

I think there must be a reason why so many of us who are (relatively) early off this stuff are so often prone to emotional distress. Our brains are still healing, we've been in survival mode during withdrawal, and now all this input is new and so much more intense! It's easy to get overwhelmed, and to feel like everything's falling apart, to believe we will never get better, to just start crying for seemingly no reason. Sometimes I think of it as mental growing pains, and that gives me hope because then this tough part has a purpose.

 

Please do try to keep your spirits up however you can. No joy is too trivial.

 

Hang in there,

Gwinna

Gwinna. Our situations are fairly similar in that you are in your early 30s and started teaching around the time you started Valium. I am 32 years old now. I started Klonopin in my second year of teaching high school English and thought it had saved my career. That was when I was 25. I took it for about five years off an on then had one pretty good year without taking anything. Then my eighth year started, after my daughter was born, I fell right back into having anxiety after being off the meds for about two years. I took Klonopin for two months and didn't notice any difference really and then I realized I was in tolerance.

 

In some ways, I feel like I never had the chance to grow up emotionally, like you said. I masked my anxiety with drugs for years. And I think my parents did way too much for me in college and while growing up. They are still doing lots for me now too going through this bad experience. I sure hope all this suffering allows me to be able to cope with adulthood more in the end. I have kept my job through all of this and am still teaching in my ninth year. Are you working?

In some ways, I feel like I never had the chance to grow up emotionally, like you said. I masked my anxiety with drugs for years. And I think my parents did way too much for me in college and while growing up. They are still doing lots for me now too going through this bad experience. I sure hope all this suffering allows me to be able to cope with adulthood more in the end. I have kept my job through all of this and am still teaching in my ninth year. Are you working?

 

I know that this is for Gwinna, but I just wanted to add that working in academia isn't easy and is very stressful. Most people don't know just how much goes on behind the scenes. Dealing with the school administrators and people in high positions can be more than daunting, and the coworkers can be just cruel. Try not to sell yourself too short. Benzos do mask the anxiety, but I still think your coping skills are there. Just a bit buried. It may take some time to get them all back, but they will get back. I still remember our beloved Astronomy instructor who passed under rather mysterious circumstances. Everyone gathered around immediately to pay dues, but nobody dared say anything. Looking back, I think the man suffered from depression, but nobody had seen it or noticed how severe it was. This experience may actually help you help others, too, as you may start to notice just how deeply depressed a lot of people truly are. While going through this, it's a lot easier to pick up on pain/fear/suffering frequencies, and I think that's additional component of withdrawal that is rarely discussed. The loss of armoring and feeling very fragile and seeing others' fragility in a way that was not possible to see before. This alone may be causing you depression without you even realizing it does. Hope this helps, and you will recover!

I taught high school English for nine years, and now I teach GED classes at an inner city nonprofit. It's super stressful. I've seen a lot of teachers on here who were prescribed benzos for job-related anxiety. The burnout rate in this field is crazy high, but it can be so rewarding too. We do still have coping skills, even if we are leaning on them pretty hard right now. Looking forward to a break for the holidays.

From everything I have read of yours, it doesn't sound like your work is the issue. It sounds like you are managing surprisingly well considering. Teaching isn't an easy job to do at the best of times and when dealing with withdrawal it leaves you with nowhere to hide. So the fact you can go in every day is something to be proud of and remember if you feel your situation is hopeless.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I had similar crying spells all throughout the summer. I would cry as soon as I woke up, I would have vivid intrusive memories from parts of my life where I was happy but they felt like distant dreams rather than things I lived. I used to cry for so long that my girlfriend would cry because seeing me like that made me so sad. Sometimes I cycled to the beach on a rainy day and I would just pace back and fourth hysterically loudly crying (there was no one around). I didn't see any end to it. Then out of nowhere that all just stopped in September. I went the guts of a  month with no crying for around a month. I can only speak for my own situation but for me it ended. It now comes and goes, but I have seen that improvement and I know it can and will happen again. It is impossible to imagine not feeling like you do now when you are in it, it is an unfortunate quirk of depression, but it can just go away at anytime with no real reason. I am a long way from being able to live a normal life, I can't yet work or socialise that much. My extreme physical issues are slowly improving so I can get out and about a bit more. I was incredibly hopeless but I am seeing small glimmers of light and you will too!

What's so crazy about all this is I can barely be at home because the intrusive thoughts are so bad. That's when I always end up crying and dry heaving. I want to live yet my mind is telling me I do not. It's scary being afraid of yourself at home. The moment I wake up every day, the thoughts begin, and that's why going to work is a better choice right now. In addition, I can barely be alone at this point. My wife has had to stay at the house with me all of summer and she is basically here every night. The only time she gets a chance to leave is if my parents visit. I had these thoughts start three days after quitting and they haven't let up at all. 8 months now. I just thought there would be a little let up.

Gwinna, do you notice any symptoms while working? One noticeable one for me is my vision is always really wonky and it seems there is an invisible wall between me and the students. I notice this when trying to lecture. I think this is mostly from quitting the benzos. I didn't have that before, even if I did have some anxiety. Furthermore, it just feels really hard to engage in a meaningful conversation with students and coworkers. Not that I was super social before, but this is different.

 

Gooner, it's good to hear that your depression and crying spells have eased up. Also, your intrusive thoughts. I really hope the symptoms ease up for me too. They are super hard to cope with day to day. It's good to hear you are improving physically too. Physical stuff hasn't been my main issue but I do have have some numbness and nerve pain in the back of my legs where my calf connects to my ankle. Also, when the depression gets really bad, my face gets really numb. I could live with the physical stuff if the mental stuff would let up a little.

 

I am at home today because I have a doctor's appointment. We will see how the morning goes. So far, so good. I don't know if the job is making the depression worse or not, all I know is that when I get home from work, the thoughts are pretty strong. They are super strong over the weekends too. Those are usually my worst days.

I know what you mean in a way. When I was at my sickest over the summer, I made a point of getting up each day and going to sit in another room, even if I was still lying down to sick to get up, I wanted to create a separation from my bedroom. It was kind of helpful, it got me up each day and even though it was basically the same I could say I didn't spend all day in bed. Now a few months on and I'm doing a little better mentally, everytime I go into that room it almost immediately brings back the feeling of extreme depression and akathisia. It's like I'm thrown back into my darkest moments. I avoid that room at all costs, I know it sounds crazy but it is basically some form of ptsd.

 

Maybe you have something similar like that in your home, and maybe that is something that you can actually get help for. Maybe staying with your parents for a bit isn't the worst idea, you can see if your depression is in someway linked to your home.

I have been in conversation with some members who have healed and they both said they kind of had the same fear of being at home. Then it just went away when their symptoms went away and they experienced no PTSD. I spent a weekend at my parent's house with my mother. This was October 5-7th. I noticed no difference in the level of depression and intrusive thoughts that weekend. I think back to other times I lived at my parent's house and was dealing with a break up. The house seemed to kind of close in on me during those time periods too and then once I started feeling better, my parent's house would get better and better to live in again. I'm hoping that's the case for this depression too concerning my wife and I's house. I really like this house a lot and don't want to have to move.

Gwinna, do you notice any symptoms while working? One noticeable one for me is my vision is always really wonky and it seems there is an invisible wall between me and the students. I notice this when trying to lecture. I think this is mostly from quitting the benzos. I didn't have that before, even if I did have some anxiety. Furthermore, it just feels really hard to engage in a meaningful conversation with students and coworkers. Not that I was super social before, but this is different.

 

Work was harder during my taper, because I was dealing with all of the physical symptoms then. I was on "light duty" through Labor Day, so I didn't have to work outside office hours and always took a full hour lunch. I also used lots of PTO to leave early or stay home on really bad days. Now I'm feeling much better, but still have trouble focusing and feeling pretty unmotivated - which could very well be unrelated to withdrawal. I'm struggling to maintain perspective, I can't tell if I should be taking it easy or pushing myself.

 

I do know what you mean about having difficulty connecting with students and feeling like there's a wall up. For me that was more a byproduct of long-term benzo use than a withdrawal symptom. We were sedated after all - by their very nature benzos blunt those meaningful interactions. I think I also got more shy/reserved as a defense against the anxiety/depression. I have hope that as we heal and adjust, we will have an easier time connecting with people again. This can be a pretty lonely process. 

 

I don't really have a fear of being home. Home is my sanctuary, and if anything I need to work on getting out more. It's become too easy to hide at home from the things that challenge me. I hope that you find some relief soon!

 

Gwinna

 

 

I have been in conversation with some members who have healed and they both said they kind of had the same fear of being at home. Then it just went away when their symptoms went away and they experienced no PTSD. I spent a weekend at my parent's house with my mother. This was October 5-7th. I noticed no difference in the level of depression and intrusive thoughts that weekend. I think back to other times I lived at my parent's house and was dealing with a break up. The house seemed to kind of close in on me during those time periods too and then once I started feeling better, my parent's house would get better and better to live in again. I'm hoping that's the case for this depression too concerning my wife and I's house. I really like this house a lot and don't want to have to move.

 

Oh apologies, I thought you mentioned it was worse at your house than anywhere else. Then yeah, like the other members it will go away on its own eventually.

You guys are troopers btw, I can't imagine doing any jobs throughout this, never mind a classroom full of kids.

I had major panicky crying spells too. Consider an AD. Cymbalta worked great for me.

Gwinna, I agree that I can't tell if I should be taking it easy or pushing myself. The more I take it easy, the worse I tend to feel because my mind is so obsessed with the condition and the intrusive thoughts. It's great that you feel comfortable at home. I notice that I feel more comfortable at home the later in the evening but not in the morning and afternoon at all.

 

Keagan. Are you off everything now? What's your story? I know so many on the forum are anti medication but it's been 8 months off now, and I am not having much improvement.

You guys are troopers btw, I can't imagine doing any jobs throughout this, never mind a classroom full of kids.

 

Yes, they are definitely troopers for sure. For me, it was basically flicking a switch. I was able to work full-time all the way up until a certain point and then something shifted in my brain where I could not work at all. I hesitate to say that what I experienced was just benzo withdrawal. I mean it very much was, but on the other hand, I'll never get a 100% explanation from anyone ever re: why my brain shifted out of the reality that I'd been in for so many years. I am glad that you are able to continue working. I'd worked at institutions of higher learning in a technical capacity, and that was stressful. But that stress doesn't seem to be even close to the level of stress/anxiety I'd developed in this benzo mess.

 

But yes, there's really no help out there (because benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome isn't officially recognized), so I am treating what I have as a "super duper severe anxiety/panic disorder from hell". At least that way, I can reframe this suffeing and try to somehow work on it, no matter how horrible it is. And yes, the depression in this is just brutal. I had pre-existing depression, but nothing touched benzo-induced depression. Nothing. Nobody should have to go through this.

Gwinna, I agree that I can't tell if I should be taking it easy or pushing myself. The more I take it easy, the worse I tend to feel because my mind is so obsessed with the condition and the intrusive thoughts. It's great that you feel comfortable at home. I notice that I feel more comfortable at home the later in the evening but not in the morning and afternoon at all.

 

Keagan. Are you off everything now? What's your story? I know so many on the forum are anti medication but it's been 8 months off now, and I am not having much improvement.

 

I am off all psych meds. Took Cymbalta for 3 yrs although I tapered during that time. The last 20 mgs I was on for the last year and that was a bit difficult to come off of, but childs play compared to benzos.