20+ years on, 6 months off and I'm doing well

I figured it's time to write this. First off I want to thank the people here. The success stories got me through the worst of it.

 

I was on 3mg of K for over 20 years.  I began a 6 month taper last fall and jumped in May. A couple days later I was in hell. I didn't make the connection between the benzos and what was happening to me because I was on such a low dose before I jumped and because taking more didn't help.

 

I ended up in the hospital a couple of times and did the rounds of docs, shrinks, and eventually a neurologist.  I told each of them that I was on K and that I had recently quit but none of them made the connection either. They simply don't understand the range of symptoms that most of us know all to well are connected to withdrawal.

 

I could barely walk for a month, I shivered and shook all the time. I had tinitus. I couldn't drive myself. I couldn't eat for a while and lost over 20 lbs. I couldn't focus on anything. I would watch TV to distract me from how I was feeling but I just sorta stared thru it. I tried 20 some medications for insomnia before settling on Mirtazapine. The anxiety was the worst of it.  I don't need to elaborate on that because I'm sure you know. I thought about suicide more than I'd like to admit.

 

After days and weeks of googling all these disparate symptoms I stumbled across this forum and found my diagnosis and my first glimmer of hope.  This has a name, it's withdrawal.  It has a prognosis, it gets better. At least that's what everyone says and I know it's so hard to believe.  That's why I'm back.  I'm back to say it's true.

 

My turning point came at the 4 month mark.  I had already given up on praying for healing and just prayed for it to become bearable.  Well the first few days of September the anxiety just dropped away.  I worried that it was just a "window" and I was so tired of getting my hopes up and being fooled that I didn't allow myself to just enjoy it.  But after 7 days in a row of feeling normal I started to think "okay, this might be a new baseline."  And it was.

 

There were a couple of things that were unmistakable about my recovery, most notable my appetite returning and my sleep improving (I got 9 hrs last night). But so many symptoms disappeared without me ever noticing, like the tinitus, the shivering and a dozen others that I've probably forgotten. The mind has a way of blocking unpleasant memories and while you thankfully won't remember much of the worst of it, you'll never forget getting through it and it will make you feel like there's nothing you can't do.

 

Now I know the worst of it is well behind me. I'm serene. I'm looking forward to starting life over anew.  When they tell you it WILL get better, believe it.  One day you'll wake up and it'll be bearable. Then slowly things will start to get better.  You'll catch yourself doing something you can't now or you'll realize your ears aren't ringing. Or you'll notice you got a solid 5 hrs of sleep.  You'll walk to the mailbox without your legs giving out.  You'll realize that you haven't visited Benzo Buddies in a couple of days.  All these little things will add up and you'll know the worst is behind you. When you turn that corner it's like being born again.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing your success story! I’m so happy for you. 😊

Awesome!  Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.

Congratulations! 6 months, that’s great! I’m 2.5 months in and have some windows so I’m praying by 6 months to hopefully be in a good place! All I want is to just heal and get my life back with my wonderful husband and son!

You'll get there.  My turning point was actually closer to 4 months and I was surprised it came so soon. I read so many success stories that spoke about 16 months and two years and I found myself searching for stories with a shorter recovery time as I didn't think I could hold on that long.

 

So let me just say that your turning point may come sooner than you think.  Keep your head up.

Yes! I’m totally looking and looking for any hope for a possible shorter time then 16 months to 2 years. I’m praying since I used it sparingly for about 3-4 years  til the past year of once or twice a day then the Klonopin which kicked my butt being on for 3 weeks then tapering, no alcohol or caffeine since May when I realized I formed a dependency on Xanax and a healthy diet that it will help. I know everyone is different tho. Your story is very encouraging!

Congrats TC!

Happy for you

 

B strong

Good God thank you for this post !  So happy for you yayyyyyyyyy! 

Congratulations, ThermalChaser!  And thanks for sharing your story; it's an inspiring one.  I'm curious about what condition you were in before your taper---were you having symptoms that you now recognize as tolerance withdrawal?  Or did you just feel that after 20 years you should get off the klonopin?  It sounds like the tapering was not so bad?  I have a similar timeline.  I was on klonopin for 26 years, but it was no longer effective; I was having morning anxiety and began to go off the rails a bit psychologically in general six years prior to tapering.  I had tapered off of an antidepressant in 2016, so that was also a factor.  I began my taper of k in September of 2017, and finished in July, 2018.  I felt worse and worse as I tapered, physically and mentally, and when I jumped, things continued to be bad.  I am now four months out, and not feeling near the finish line.  So, we are all so different, and yet it's impossible not to compare!  I'd love to hear a few more details of your experience if you want to share.  Again, congratulations!

Sure. To be honest I'd have kept taking it the rest of my life if it were up to me. I really loved it. It never lost its effectiveness and it made me more social. Things that probably should have made me anxious just rolled off my back.  My doctor decided that I should now come off it and he really gave me no good reason for it. Neither he nor I had any idea what that decision would do to me. After the jump I went back to him with all of these scary symptoms and not only did he not connect it to the benzos, he flat out said it was all in my head and sent me to a shrink. I remember him telling me that he once had a patient who's anxiety caused a fatal heart attack.  All I could think was "No you had a patient that came to you with very real heart problems and you wrote it off as anxiety. I wonder how many gravestones you've left in your wake.

 

I decided to taper slowly and other than being more irritable than usual I felt fine the entire time. That's why I had so much trouble figuring out that what was happening after my jump was actually withdrawal.  I had none of these symptoms during my taper despite making several 50 percent cuts.

 

I still feel like the finish line is pretty far out there for me too but I've gotten to a point where it's manageable which is miles away from the hell I was in for the first 4 months. I figure if it takes another year to get back to "normal" I can do that standing on my head. I'm not sure what "normal" is though because my entire adult life I've been on this stuff so I'm not sure how I'll know when I get back there.

Can you take normal pain meds like Motrin and things like antibiotics without having set backs now? That part gets better right? We aren’t “fragile” forever?!

Just finished a 12 day round of amoxicillin and I take naproxen whenever I feel like it. I don't think I was ever sensitive to those sorts of things though.

 

Pot gives me anxiety now though, which sucks because I really used to love it.

You are proof that we do heal! Seems like alcohol and pot from what I have read (and I have read too much and scared myself half to death) seems to trigger anxiety for a while after, but then after more time people are okay again. Maybe you just need a little more time which I know isn’t fun, but you are already doing so well. Praying to follow in your footsteps!

Phenomenal story! Congratulations! And thanks so much for sharing it with the rest of us.

Yes, Thanks..

Im 3 mths off, and doing well.. Though things did shake up a bit with new SX cycling through.. I got my first anxiety at very low dose and significantly post jump.. It seems to be all breaking up and easing off now.. But its too early to say for sure...  Im firmly optimistic as I continue with other tapers..

 

Best wishes with any finishing touches...

20yrs, What a great achievement..!!

 

 

Congratulations. You are lucky to have healed so fast.  I'm curious about your tinnitus.  Did it stop suddenly or fade away?  I'm 32 months out, and tinnitus is still my worst symptom.  I'm so fearful it will never go away. 

Thanks for your thorough reply, ThermalChaser.  Good for your doctor!! (At least for getting you off).  Better to stop now than to risk tolerance, as I did, and perhaps have an even harder time getting off at a later stage of life.  I spoke with Bessel van Der Kolk, author of "The Body Keeps the Score" and a very well-respected mental health professional, last weekend, and he echoed what so many are saying, "Probably you should have just stayed on them." !!!  That is simply not possible when they are not effective anymore, and are causing the very conditions that they were prescribed to relieve.  As I said, that did not happen for me until the twenty year mark.  I hope you will never be tempted to return to benzos.  Best of luck to you! 

Thanks for your thorough reply, ThermalChaser.  Good for your doctor!! (At least for getting you off).  Better to stop now than to risk tolerance, as I did, and perhaps have an even harder time getting off at a later stage of life.  I spoke with Bessel van Der Kolk, author of "The Body Keeps the Score" and a very well-respected mental health professional, last weekend, and he echoed what so many are saying, "Probably you should have just stayed on them." !!!  That is simply not possible when they are not effective anymore, and are causing the very conditions that they were prescribed to relieve.  As I said, that did not happen for me until the twenty year mark.  I hope you will never be tempted to return to benzos.  Best of luck to you!

 

Aye. Stayed on them? Not so much!! I’ve read “The Body Keeps The Score” and it was really good.

Congratulations. You are lucky to have healed so fast.  I'm curious about your tinnitus.  Did it stop suddenly or fade away?  I'm 32 months out, and tinnitus is still my worst symptom.  I'm so fearful it will never go away. 

 

It was gradual I suppose. It wasn't my worst symptom but it was a reliable indicator of my symptoms overall. When I would wake up with my ears ringing I just knew it would be a bad day. I remember that feeling all to well. Knowing that mornings were the worst I just wanted to go back to sleep, to dream of a life I once had.  I can say for sure that I haven't felt that way in a couple of months. Now I wake refreshed and ready to start the day. As I started to feel better I forgot about the tinnitus entirely until I started looking over my previous posts to write this success story. It made me realize there were quite a few symptoms that had just vanished without me noticing.

 

So just know that all of it gets better. It takes time.  Be kind to yourself. This is the hardest thing you'll ever do and when you come out the other side you'll be fearless.

 

Congratulations. You are lucky to have healed so fast.  I'm curious about your tinnitus.  Did it stop suddenly or fade away?  I'm 32 months out, and tinnitus is still my worst symptom.  I'm so fearful it will never go away. 

 

It was gradual I suppose. It wasn't my worst symptom but it was a reliable indicator of my symptoms overall. When I would wake up with my ears ringing I just knew it would be a bad day. I remember that feeling all to well. Knowing that mornings were the worst I just wanted to go back to sleep, to dream of a life I once had.  I can say for sure that I haven't felt that way in a couple of months. Now I wake refreshed and ready to start the day. As I started to feel better I forgot about the tinnitus entirely until I started looking over my previous posts to write this success story. It made me realize there were quite a few symptoms that had just vanished without me noticing.

 

So just know that all of it gets better. It takes time.  Be kind to yourself. This is the hardest thing you'll ever do and when you come out the other side you'll be fearless.

 

I’ve had tinnitus for such a long time. It comes and goes, is worse some days and nearly noticeable on certain days. It’s been pretty consistent during my taper, but doesn’t really drive me insane for the past couple of months. Tinnitus is an insideous thing.

Just wondering When did you add the mirtazipine ?

I’m taking 7.5 since August and it really helped me taper at first. Now I fear it’s done all it can.

 

I ended up in the hospital a couple of times and did the rounds of docs, shrinks, and eventually a neurologist.  I told each of them that I was on K and that I had recently quit but none of them made the connection either. They simply don't understand the range of symptoms that most of us know all to well are connected to withdrawal.

 

 

It still strikes me as hilarious that when you go to psychiatrists or neurologists, they have no idea this could be connected to benzos, one of the most common drugs prescribed today. These people are supposed to be experts specializing in the nervous system, but they actually seem to know nothing at all. Having a rebound effect that is the opposite of what the drug - which the patient was physically dependent on and is known for bad withdrawals - does therapeutically is the most obvious diagnosis ever and one of the first things you are taught in classes on drug dependence and addiction. There are zero charitable interpretations of this failure.

 

Thanks for the success story. 6 months to heal after 20 years usage, you've got impressive healing powers!

 

I ended up in the hospital a couple of times and did the rounds of docs, shrinks, and eventually a neurologist.  I told each of them that I was on K and that I had recently quit but none of them made the connection either. They simply don't understand the range of symptoms that most of us know all to well are connected to withdrawal.

 

 

It still strikes me as hilarious that when you go to psychiatrists or neurologists, they have no idea this could be connected to benzos, one of the most common drugs prescribed today. These people are supposed to be experts specializing in the nervous system, but they actually seem to know nothing at all. Having a rebound effect that is the opposite of what the drug - which the patient was physically dependent on and is known for bad withdrawals - does therapeutically is the most obvious diagnosis ever and one of the first things you are taught in classes on drug dependence and addiction. There are zero charitable interpretations of this failure.

 

Thanks for the success story. 6 months to heal after 20 years usage, you've got impressive healing powers!

 

Exactly. I think they do know. But getting OFF their drugs and rejecting the false (prove it if it exists) “brain disease,” “chemical imbalance” BS doesn’t ensure these docs a lifetime customer.