How do we Heal?.....

I’m feeling a self imposed pressure to Heal.  Not that I have control over my healing.  But, life is passing me by.  I’m worried that I will miss all the important events in my children’s lives.  As they are young adults.  That may eventually marry and have children.  I can’t go into a grocery store.    Let alone get on a plane.    Feels like I may never be able to do those things and share in those moments that I always dreamed of as a parent.    Are there others who can relate?

Its shear madness. Its heartbreaking what each us all have to go through. ts coming up to Halloween. My favourite time of year and I couldnt even help my brother set up the decorations. I cant even feel or smell the Halloween Air. I love this time of year to..

 

I have all these thoughts in my head  frustration, self anger and deep sense of dispair. I really really mean thats, nearly 24/7 of everyday.

Typing distracts sometimes.

 

I'm confined to my bedroom most of the time. I,m just waiting for some energy to do something some day. Ive been here for 3 weeks. Anyhows  your not alone with all this conundrum of madness for sure.. I guess just keep thinking those lovely, happy ,thoughts, even if they frustrate or upset you as those dreams will be the fuel that brings you back again.

It’s truly heartbreaking.    You said it,  hopes for the future is what we have to hold on to. 

I agree  Hopes for the future are waiting.

Because you WANT to heal and it is not happening as fast as you hoped. This is quite common, and many people have felt this way. Healing from benzos can take a lot longer than you expected. It came as a huge shock to me. Took me almost 5 years t be fully recovered. But T, my case is a lot worse than yours. Do not compare yourself with me! What matter is this: you WILL heal, when it it is your time to heal. And when you start to FEEL this healing, you will start to understand that what you read here was true.

 

You will get through this mess and recover, as long as you keep on going. I pray that you do because you are SO well worth saving! Please do not give up and reinstate.

BIG hugs,

East

You just have to stay positive through this and trust me I know its hard, I'm almost 17 months out and only feel about 40-50% healed.  I can drive a little more now and go to work without the fear of driving there..  I still have a lot of fear, impending doom and breathing issues which are about the only remaining symptoms I have other than feeling like complete shit everyday.  I've started having windows sporadically, no rhyme or reason they just show up and then go away.  Sometimes they last an hour or two then I get smacked in the face with symptoms.  I'm remaining hopeful but as time goes on, I'm way more frustrated and irritable. 

Keith, that is an excellent reply. Thank you.

 

There is something about BWD that can just overwhelm you. Perhaps it is because we just did not know it could be like this! I sure didnt. Came as a huge shock to me. Suffering with weird symptoms for several years was not something I learned in 30 years as an RN. I thought I had gone insane. That was the only explanation I had for how awful I felt.

 

But even MORE shocking was learning about tolerance withdrawal. I had never HEARD of this until LONG after my acute withdrawal was over and done. Benzos caused SO many awful symptoms in me and probably in many people here on BB......people who take benzos for more than a month CAN and DO experience tolerance withdrawal. But since you dont know this exists, you assume you have some sort of disease. SO, you run to specialists, and they run tests, and they may tell you you might have this disease or that disease (usually some form of neurological disease). But when you finally get rid of benzos, all of those symptoms go away and there you are. Shocked, horrified, but glad you got off benzos.

east :thumbsup:

The unknown is what is so frightening.  You don’t know when this will end, you don’t know how long you have to endure the symptoms or how they will manifest.  Which brings with it tremendous stress.

Given all these over the top surreal circumstances.  Healing seems so very very unattainable at times. 

Go and read Parker’s post again.

Go and read Parker’s post again.

 

I did.

 

I feel so very very sick.  Like any moment going to drop. 

I know.

 

Try to distract as much as possible. Try to accept that this is withdrawal and will one day be over.

 

Easier said than done I know but there is no other way.

Fighting, I know how you feel about the feeling of dying at any moment.  Its so exhausting and definitely wears on you.  My biggest and best distraction is walking for miles and listening to podcasts to try and distract from the breathing issues and the horrible anxiety. 

Walking is something I must incorporate in this process.  I’m soooo over feeling weird. 

Can you have such a severe and prolonged withdrawal that you can’t heal?  This all seems so surreal.

I'm dealing with this today.

And my husband is saying "Snap out of it".

He doesn't believe it has anything to do with Ativan.

I went in the hospital almost a year ago.  He keeps saying "It's been a year".

Sometimes I feel like some healing as happened.

I mean, I don't have the severe DP/DR I had in the beginning.  That went away (Thank the Lord).

But the depression/anxiety just won't seem to pass.  Or, is it even depression/anxiety?  It's just the "off" feeling.

Like, today is Saturday.  I should be getting the fire pit out of the garage and having a fire tonight and making s'mores.

I should be thinking of what to grill tonight.

And, the CRAZIEST part is, there's nothing STOPPING me from doing those things . . . I "want" to do them.  It's just that . . . I can't even explain it.  It's impossible to explain.

Is that depression?  Is that anxiety?  And why can't anybody tell me???

Every Dr. just wants to write a script for an AD or something.

All I want is to feel normal again.

 

Is that how you guys feel?  Like you're in another universe or something?  Like you WANT to enjoy things, but can't??

 

Ugh.  This is just impossible to fathom it's happening to me.  This is NOT me.  I know who I am (was) and I WANT ME BACK!!

 

Someone tell me I am not stuck like this for life.

 

 

 

I don’t know anymore. 

I'm dealing with this today.

And my husband is saying "Snap out of it".

He doesn't believe it has anything to do with Ativan.

I went in the hospital almost a year ago.  He keeps saying "It's been a year".

Sometimes I feel like some healing as happened.

I mean, I don't have the severe DP/DR I had in the beginning.  That went away (Thank the Lord).

But the depression/anxiety just won't seem to pass.  Or, is it even depression/anxiety?  It's just the "off" feeling.

Like, today is Saturday.  I should be getting the fire pit out of the garage and having a fire tonight and making s'mores.

I should be thinking of what to grill tonight.

And, the CRAZIEST part is, there's nothing STOPPING me from doing those things . . . I "want" to do them.  It's just that . . . I can't even explain it.  It's impossible to explain.

Is that depression?  Is that anxiety?  And why can't anybody tell me???

Every Dr. just wants to write a script for an AD or something.

All I want is to feel normal again.

 

Is that how you guys feel?  Like you're in another universe or something?  Like you WANT to enjoy things, but can't??

 

Ugh.  This is just impossible to fathom it's happening to me.  This is NOT me.  I know who I am (was) and I WANT ME BACK!!

 

Someone tell me I am not stuck like this for life.

 

Hello FTYMI, I feel the same way you are not alone. I feel as if my brain is fried. I feel so empty I want the old me back all I feel is depression, anxiety and dpdr. I feel like I’m in hell. It’s not you the medication did this. That poison messed up our brain. It doesn’t even feel like November. It’s not cozy I have no holiday cheer I feel like my brain has been on pause since I’ve cold turkeyed. I feel absolutely NOTHING. God bless us. Jesus will release us. Our time I coming. By the grace of God we will return.

My dear friends,

I know many of you are scared. BWD IS scary, partly because no one near to us seems to understand. Did YOU understand BWD before you experienced it? I sure didnt. I only started laerning what was making me so awful when I happened to find BB. You might try gently asking your spouse, GF, BF, whatever, to read just a little here, perhaps Parker's wonderful articles because they are fairly easy to understand.

 

Every symptom I see mentioned is completely normal. Always remember that benzos do their "magic" on your brain. Your brain controls not only all your body functions, it also controls how your mind works and many many other things. Literally, you brain [/i]]Keeps you alive.  Once you grasp this enormous idea, understanding why you have all these weird, unpleasant and sometimes terrifying symptoms will begin to make sense to you.

 

The human brain is so amazing in its ability to heal after much more major injuries than using benzos. People DO survive massive strokes, major head injuries, brain surgery. Those are far worse damages than BWD. I kknow with my whole heart and mind that the VAST majority of people DO heal after taking benzos. IF there are a few people who do not, I would suspect there are many other factors at work in that case. Perhaps they used street drugs. Maybe they shot meth or heroin or even crack. Maybe they drank a half gallon of scotch every night. HUGE difference between that and you, wouldnt you agree?

 

Try reading Success Stories. Skip the later posts. Go to the beginning of the thread and read what others went through. You will find you are not alone in how you feel now. Read a lot of them, and focus on ones that seem to sound like YOUR situation.

 

Keep learning new tricks to deal with your symptoms. I dont see much discussion of this here on BB recently and that concerns me a lot. I DO see more negativity, and that is NOT going to help you a bit. You have to try to remain positive even if it means faking it. And learning new tricks for dealing with symptoms will ALWAYS be a good idea.

 

IF you allow yourself to become "bed bound" and think of yourself as "sick and ill" you will HINDER your recovery. Your brain seems to sort of follow how you currently think. Your brain will not heal as well if you stay in bed and feel sick. You are NOT sick! You are

in benzo withdrawal, which is NOT an illnless. It is a TEMPORARY CONDITION....ONLY!

 

Hang in there, friends. you can do this. Please try to be more upbeat, even if you are faking it.

east

East,

Thank you for your kind words. I am doing as you say. today my husband and I took our bikes and wrote a couple miles stopped at a tiki bar and had some chicken wings (drank water) and then rode the bikes back to the truck. Then we had to go pick up our daughter at a renaissance fair that she was in. I'm about to go in the garage and pull out that fire pit and have a fire no matter how bad I feel.

 

Everyone around me says I'm doing better but they don't understand what's going on in my head. I am faking it till I make it to the 100th degree.

I absolutely refuse to be bed-bound although I do delay getting out of bed in the morning sometimes.

I think getting on with life is extremely important. I'm already 52 and I feel like I've given up a year. I don't want to give up anymore time.

I'm basically telling myself that this is menopause and then it will get better. Somehow that makes it easier to accept. and the truth is I haven't had a period in 4 months so I'm definitely perimenopausal so I could be getting hit with a number of things all at once. I've made it through so many tough times in my life and I'm going to make it through this.

 

East,

Thank you for your kind words. I am doing as you say. today my husband and I took our bikes and wrote a couple miles stopped at a tiki bar and had some chicken wings (drank water) and then rode the bikes back to the truck. Then we had to go pick up our daughter at a renaissance fair that she was in. I'm about to go in the garage and pull out that fire pit and have a fire no matter how bad I feel.

 

Everyone around me says I'm doing better but they don't understand what's going on in my head. I am faking it till I make it to the 100th degree.

I absolutely refuse to be bed-bound although I do delay getting out of bed in the morning sometimes.

I think getting on with life is extremely important. I'm already 52 and I feel like I've given up a year. I don't want to give up anymore time.

I'm basically telling myself that this is menopause and then it will get better. Somehow that makes it easier to accept. and the truth is I haven't had a period in 4 months so I'm definitely perimenopausal so I could be getting hit with a number of things all at once. I've made it through so many tough times in my life and I'm going to make it through this.

 

That’s awesome!!!!!!    Look at YOU!!!!!    Wonderful!!!!!

 

T

I'm dealing with this today.

And my husband is saying "Snap out of it".

He doesn't believe it has anything to do with Ativan.

I went in the hospital almost a year ago.  He keeps saying "It's been a year".

Sometimes I feel like some healing as happened.

I mean, I don't have the severe DP/DR I had in the beginning.  That went away (Thank the Lord).

But the depression/anxiety just won't seem to pass.  Or, is it even depression/anxiety?  It's just the "off" feeling.

Like, today is Saturday.  I should be getting the fire pit out of the garage and having a fire tonight and making s'mores.

I should be thinking of what to grill tonight.

And, the CRAZIEST part is, there's nothing STOPPING me from doing those things . . . I "want" to do them.  It's just that . . . I can't even explain it.  It's impossible to explain.

Is that depression?  Is that anxiety?  And why can't anybody tell me???

Every Dr. just wants to write a script for an AD or something.

All I want is to feel normal again.

 

Is that how you guys feel?  Like you're in another universe or something?  Like you WANT to enjoy things, but can't??

 

Ugh.  This is just impossible to fathom it's happening to me.  This is NOT me.  I know who I am (was) and I WANT ME BACK!!

 

Someone tell me I am not stuck like this for life.

 

Im in the same spot, except much earlier in recovery (2 months)

Feeling pressed to heal faster has been a huge source of anxiety among 100 other things...

It’s really hard to convince our entourage that we recover from head injury, even ourselves aren’t even sure we’re still in recovery when we can be functional and faking it.

The thing we surely know is that we went into acute reaction to these pills and we’re not feeling normal, no matter the dose or the period we took it. I rely on that experience to know that i’m still in shock and that it can take some time to come back. Also try to remind me that i had very brief windows helps in the process. Mental pain is much more difficult to process than physical pain but these are symptoms just like the rest.

I’m sure we’re doing the right thing !

Healing is sooooo slow.    Makes no sense.  That even those who have been off for years are still struggling in recovery. 

FM, most people who have been off benzo0s a year or more are totally fine! It is only a tiny few who hasve long and difficult WD's. I was one of them. So are you. That is life, we get dealt a hand and it may not be a good hand. It is up to us to roll with the punches and survive and thrive no matter what.

 

I urge you to focus more on the positives, and I am SURE you do have positives! You are intelligent, and caring. You seem to be thoughtful. USE tose strength to get you through WD. Give yourself a little love, because you deserve it. Mentally hug yourself. Take your mind off WD even if for a few minutes. DISTRACT!!!

hugs to you,

east

Seems like never going to end.  The suffering goes on and on.  Tolerable is the goal for me.  My kids are fed up, it’s taking too long.  I have no answers.  I don’t know what to do.  I love my children, this is destroying my family.  How do we hold on to our hope and our families?

Seems like never going to end.  The suffering goes on and on.  Tolerable is the goal for me.  My kids are fed up, it’s taking too long.  I have no answers.  I don’t know what to do.  I love my children, this is destroying my family.  How do we hold on to our hope and our families?

 

I just got to a point where no matter how I felt I do the best I can do.  You have to be gentle with yourself first and foremost. Be kind to yourself and that will convey to your family. I literally faked it every day...and I broke down many days...until one day some symptoms lifted enough that I could begin to function. Then I kept faking it that I was even better...and I could function more.  At the eight month mark I have some nagging mental symptoms that i, for the most part, just keep to myself. I'm hoping it's not just a window. Time will tell. But I am doing everything possible to think positive and bring joy back to my life.

You're okay. It's all going to be okay. Nothing g stays the same. Everything changes. This is just a season in your life that you will look back on...and be glad it's behind you.