Bad depression at 16 months. I fear it’s “me” not benzos

I was feeling better for a while but have been hit with a wave of depression, hopelessness and despair. A lot of my other, often physical, symptoms have improved I question if this depression is the underlying me. Too be honest I don’t live a very active, social or interesting life right now, I spend most of my time at home and don’t have the energy or motivation to get out and do anything. I know withdrawal can cause depression, I had it horribly earlier on, but at these stage I genuinely question whether or not my feelings are chemical or a reaction to circumstance. I’ve had some depression pre benzos, although I don’t remember it being this bad. The idea that this is me and I’m stuck like this makes me feel so much worse.

I understand where you're coming from. I am wondering the same thing. The depression is really bad for me right now at over 7 months off. The worst part of it all are the intrusive, looping, dark thoughts that the fight's not worth it anymore. I have this every morning and multiple times per day. Sometimes the thoughts can get so strong that I panic and cry.

 

I was struggling with my job before all this. My wife and I just had a daughter. I wonder all the time if the depression was happening before all this, even though the symptoms were milder in comparison to how I've felt after benzos. Would you consider an A/D at any point or are you taking one?

Hi boomboxboy, my depression was really bad in first year off, I had this horrible “end of the world” feeling all the time, it was so extreme that I was sure it’s the benzos causing it. Now I just feel low, no hope, no energy etc. Im not currently taking an antidepressant, I’ve considered it, I’m a little worried about introducing more chemicals to my healing brain, but it seems they do help some people in our situation.

Yeah, I've been considering the past week because the depression got so bad. The past few days it's let up again a little, so now I'm thinking against it again. The only thing I've been doing differently is chugging water because I have kidney stones. My buddy recommended the gallon challenge where you drink at least one gallon a day. Something seems to be changing in my brain the past few days. Maybe it's just a window, but I'm praying that if I keep drinking water like this, I continue to feel better.

 

I know what you mean by the end of the world feeling you described. It is awful.

That sense of "it's me" is fairly common under the Benzo condition. Same experience I had and it's too easy get sucked in to what the depression is telling you and to be unable to distinguish between Benzos and "geez I suck". But it's far more useful to take heart within yourself as you would someone who is helpless in their suffering. That someone is you! Oh yes, avoid stress like the plague!!

Been thinking about an AD as well at this point. I tried a couple of things last year (lamictal 3 weeks and zoloft 1 week)... couldn't really stand the side effects but at this point, anything has to be better than being non-functional. I may have to give something else a good try... like longer than 3 weeks lol. It's been 2 years now for me in withdrawal so I'm pretty sure it's me at this point... the damage certainly started and ended with BZ withdrawal. But this is me now and I'm not sure what to do. The sad thing is, I've taken AD's before for very short periods of time (the year previous to my withdrawal nightmare) and I never really benefited at all from them. Most of them made me worse (or the side effects did)  and the other ones I couldn't tolerate for more than a few days. I think the longest I'ver ever been on an AD is 2 months and that was Zoloft. But when I tried it again last year, I couldn't take it for longer than a week. So, what to do...

 

I guess if you've never tried one, there's always the hope that it might help you.