24 months - update (trigger alert)

Well here I am at 24 months... actually 24 months as of 2 weeks ago. I wish there was a good story to tell but it's not so good. I'm suffering a lot in the mornings with really bad depression and anxiety which carries through the day. Since my mind is stuck in this traumatic loop, I'm always fatigued. The length of time has simply worn me down. The boredom and my lack of confidence in returning to work (or even interviewing) has impacted my mood dramatically. So I have little distractions and an impending financial crisis looming over my head. I thought there would be a much better story to lean on before winter came but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I've tried so many treatments and modalities to get better. But to be fair, I only gave everything about a 2 week run... I can usually tell if something is going to help or work for me at this point. And nothing does.... literally nothing. I will make a list below so people don't have to try all of this stuff... but of course that is your decision.

 

So mental / mood symptoms seem to be the worst. I've discussed medications again with my wife and this may have to be the route I will have to take yet again. I'd almost rather die than do that at this point. It's just not going to get better without intervention or a miracle. If I had the money I would fly to an island somewhere for 2 months but I spent that money a long time ago on treatments. If I were to do it again, I would have tried another way. But you think things are going to help... and they don't. Stubborn me. Sitting at home thinking you're just going to magically heal one day seems to be absolutely ludicrous as I look back over another wasted summer. I should have re-instated and tapered properly after a few months but of course I believed that I was going to heal fairly quickly as everyone starts out thinking. And of course some do.... but very few that I've seen here.

 

Anyway, I've appreciated the support here and I've tried to not spend too much time on this board. My brain needs to be reset somehow and I'm not sure how to do that. I've been toying with microdoses of psilocybin and may try to get a full treatment somewhere. I give a lot of respect to those people who are still working; I wish I was. I have lost myself and my confidence because I couldn't.

 

God bless all of you...

 

 

Treatments:

 

Therapy - minimal; didn't want to go through everything and CBT doesn't seem to work for me because I couldn't put in the work that was needed on a daily basis. May pick this up again.

Ayahuasca

Ibogaine

Most Supplements / Vitamins / Peptides (BPC-157 only)

Testosterone Replacement Therapy

All doctors and all tests (literally)

Massage

Osteopath

Chiropractor

IV Vitamins / Supplements

Tianeptine Sulphate (3-4 days)

Phenibut (2 months... very low dose and yes I know... but I was desperate - threw them out but wish I didn't most days)

Kratom (1 month a couple of times a week but didn't get any real benefit from it and I didn't like it so gave it up completely)

Psilocybin micro-dosing (just started - no real benefits - may try the actual full treatment if I can find somewhere in Canada)

 

I did try a few meds in 2017. They were Zoloft (1 week), Lamictal (3 weeks), Mirtazapine (2 days), Gabapentin (4 days), Low Dose Naltrexone (2018 - 3 weeks).

 

I am basically the most miserable person in the world (probably not but it feels like that) and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. There's a possibility of me having to re-instate which I've mulled over several times here in the past few months. Only because there are people 3,45+ years out and I'm already at the end of the rope here.

 

Good luck everyone... this is a harrowing journey for those who are sensitive souls.

 

God bless.

 

You will make it. Please continue on. It looks like you lasted the longest on naltrexone. Maybe give that one a whirl again and see if it helps you! How about vitamins? Did any help?

You might want to take a look at the Dynamic Neural Retraining Post on the Alternative Therapies and Supplements thread.  It is an interesting program.  I'm trying it in addition to CBT at this point.  I really think my brain's stuck in a limbic system trauma loop and hope the program will help. 

Hi Colley,

 

Sorry it's so tough for you still.  I understand the fears and frustrations around being too ill to return to work, facing increasing financial pressure, etc.  Just hang on a bit longer here with me, and PLEASE don't reinstate or take other meds. Meds truly can't help us out of this mess.

 

I felt so similar to you at 24 months, and it wasn't until about a month ago (month 27), that things really started looking up for me. All of this pain truly is what healing feels like for many of us.  I get 100% windows now, that show me what life is going to feel like when this is over.  I've never felt happier, more confident, or more at peace in my life.  It's going to happen for you soon too.

 

All our bodies need to heal IMHO is the basics - good food, some exercise, and sleep (when possible).

 

Hang in there Colley.

WR