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800 Days Off - What I learned from my Insomnia Experience!


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Here is what I have learned at just over 800 days out from a CT of 4 different Benzos:

 

1) ACCEPTANCE is the key to getting past WD or any other type of insomnia.  Once I was able to accept and understand that lack of sleep could not kill me (my body would get all the sleep it needed prior to that happening) I handled the little or no sleep way better.

2) DISTRACTION is right up there with acceptance when dealing with little or no sleep

3) Freaking out when you don’t get any sleep (punching the pillow, tossing and turning, etc.) will only ensure you won’t get much if any sleep

4) Not complaining or talking about your lack of sleep with others will go a long way toward getting your own sleep back

5) Not looking for another Rx drug to help you sleep will go a long way towards getting your sleep back.  Sure, some folks do fine with another Rx drug for sleep…you do what is best for you, but I know with 100% certainty that all Rx and OTC sleep aids stop working can lead to dependence and have their own withdrawal

6) Not caring if you sleep or not will go a long way toward getting your sleep back.  It took some time, but eventually I just started giving insomnia the “middle finger.”  It didn’t make it go away or get better, but it gave me a “sense of power” over my insomnia.  I was in charge, not the insomnia.

7) Insomnia’s days are numbered.  It only has so many days it can affect your sleep and your life.

8) This is temporary, it won’t last forever, although it sure feels like it will sometimes.

9) Everyone heals.  It just takes time.  Unfortunately Benzo withdrawal is unique to each person.  Just like no two snowflakes are alike, no two withdrawal experiences are alike. 

10) No one knows how long withdrawal will last.  It is what it is and ends when it ends.

11) Eating healthy (clean) exercising and drinking lots of pure water can help reduce the severity of symptoms.

12) There is no “magic bullet” in the form of an Rx drug, OTC drug or natural substance that can reduce how long withdrawal lasts.  That is the million dollar question?  When will it end? And that is the hardest part about going through withdrawal…not knowing when it will end. 

13) There is no such thing as a “small dose” or a “weak” Benzo.  They all down regulate Gaba and replace the body’s normal calming effect.  They have a different effect on everyone that takes them.  That is why some can take them for years, quit and have no symptoms.  Others (like me) take them short-term and end up with Protracted Acute Withdrawal Syndrome or PAWS.

14) Quitting “cold turkey” is not recommended and typically leads to more intense symptoms and a longer withdrawal period.

15) A slow taper is best, but sometimes does not lead to reduced symptoms or an increase in healing/recovery time.

16) Not “Googling” sleep or insomnia sites went a long way towards my “psychologically” healing.

17) We need to heal the entire person (body, mind and spirit) in order to be “truly and completely” healed.

18) Expecting to be healing or have an improvement in symptoms by a certain date is futile.  I did that.  I thought after 4, 6, or 8 months off I should see some relief.  However, recovery/healing plays by its own timeline not ours.

19) Healing is NON-LINEAR (UP and DOWN) for a long time for some.  New symptoms can appear out of the blue and symptoms that faded can reappear.  They WAX and WANE.  Unfortunately, It is a real “roller coaster” ride.

20) Windows and Waves are very common for most.  Windows are periods where symptoms are minimal and sleep is good.  Waves are where symptoms are at their worst and sleep sucks.  People usually transition between Windows and Waves with the Windows eventually becoming more frequent and lasting longer than the Waves until finally the Waves end.

21) Late Waves or a return of symptoms and lack of sleep are more common than you might think.  I had a late wave at 18 months off that lasted almost one month (29 days).  You are NOT broken.  It is just part of the non-linear healing process.

22) Almost all of your symptoms are most likely Benzo related?  I went to the ER 4 times over a two month period and all they wanted to do was put me on more Rx drugs for sleep, anxiety, depression, etc.  In addition, I had another 12 doctor visits and had almost every conceivable medical test performed and all results came back normal.

23) Almost all western medicine doctors do NOT understand Benzo withdrawal or even acknowledge it exists.  It is best to stay away from non-Benzo wise doctors during your withdrawal, especially psychiatrists that will want to write prescriptions for lots of Rx drugs.

24) Sleep Hygiene did not work for me during the thick of my withdrawal.  Especially the part about getting out of bed and doing something until you are tired and then going back to bed.  If I would have followed that advice, I would have gotten zero sleep most nights.  Sleep restriction, CBT, acupuncture, CBT oil, etc., did nothing for me early on. 

25) Meditation and listening to relaxing music helped some later on, but did nothing for me the first 6-8 months.  You might want to consider hypnosis DVDs too?

26) I found out that staying in bed is very important even if you can’t sleep.  Your body needs rest.  Getting out of bed (except to go the bathroom or get something to eat, etc.) will not rest your body.  I found that I nodded off here and there if I stayed in bed when I couldn’t sleep.  In addition, people get “micro sleeps” they are unaware of.

27) Counseling can help deal with the psychological aspect of recovery.  It helped me and I appreciated the reassurance from the counselor that lack of sleep cannot kill you.  Your body will get all of the sleep it needs before that can happen.

28) Sleep studies are usually a waste of time?  I had one done and found out exactly what I knew before I went in.  I don’t have apnea (which is what they are most likely looking for) and I wasn’t sleeping much.

29) I went to the Coleman Institute in Virginia for Dr. Coleman’s touted Flumazenil treatment that did not work and cost me a lot of money.

30) I pretty much tried every single non-benzo Rx drug and OTC remedy for sleep.  None of them worked for more than a day or two.  I found the best way to recover for me was to not take anything.  This advice is only for those that can accept it.  I did not want to introduce something else into the mix that could have created a “psychological” or physical dependence.

31) Natural Remedies work for some, but also a lot of “natural” remedies for sleep can trigger or exacerbate existing symptoms.  I found a “functional” doctor that was able to provide guidance and advice on trying some of these.  Again, I ditched the natural path too as I just wanted to be able to sleep on my own without taking anything.  I tried almost every “natural” sleep aid too, including CBT oil, teas, Lavela, etc.

32) My sleep returned in typical patterns.  I went through the get sleep one night little or none the next night for months.  I had almost 70 zero nights and countless nights of 1 or 2 hours.  Slowly I started getting 2 or 3 or 4 hours and for one or two or three days in a row.  Eventually it progressed to weeks and now months in a row.  I still had set backs along the way where I would get zero nights or 1 or 2 hour nights.  Eventually those faded too.  At just over 800 days off I usually get 6-8 almost every single night.  I still wake up 2+ times per night but can usually fall back to sleep fairly quickly.

33) My Sleep is still improving.  One year ago I used to get at least 1 night per week of 2 – 4 hours of sleep.  That is now down to 1 time every few months.  I fall asleep fairly fast now (sometimes in less than 10 minutes) and stay asleep for 3-4 hours straight.  I can nap now with no worries about ruining my nightly sleep.  This past weekend I took a 2 hour nap on Saturday and a 1.5 hour nap on Sunday and still slept “normally” both nights.  In the past, I never thought I would nap for the rest of my life.  In fact, I went through a period where I believed I had “fatal insomnia.”

34) The average body has 45,000,000 Gaba receptors that need to heal. Be patient with yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Cut yourself some slack.  You WILL be you again even though that might not seem possible right now.  Benzos lie to us and make us believe we will never heal or get “natural” sleep back.  All Benzo lies.

35) If you had issues with sleep prior to going on Benzos, you might still have them after you are off and healed.  You might want to look for underlying causes for your lack of sleep.  Again, a functional doctor is a good route to take as they won’t put you on Rx drugs.

36) A weighted blanket has helped me.  I bought a 25lb weighted blanket off of Amazon and it has helped me to stay asleep longer and fall asleep faster.  It works on the principle of DTP (Deep Touch Pressure) that is supposed to release serotonin.  You might want to give it a try, but they are a bit pricey.  I paid $140 for mine.

37) I would have stood on one leg on the edge of a 100 story building and spit into the wind wearing a tutu if I would have thought it would have helped my sleep.  I say that to remind everyone that Time is the healer and being as healthy as possible may reduce symptom severity and improve your sleep?

38) I chased every known thing that could help my sleep that was within my budget.  I learned that all I really needed to do was be patient, be healthy and let father time (tick tock, tick tock) do its thing.

39) Sleep does return.  I promise.  It just might not be when we would like or how much we would like.  Most experience REM rebound or lots of dreams and many don't feel "refreshed" when sleep starts to return.  It will be UP and DOWN for some time so don't panic if you go back to some crappy nights or even weeks of sleep.  It will even out in the end.

40) Don’t expect to see results by a certain time.  It will only make healing harder.  Accept, distract, and try not to care if you sleep and Mr. Sandman will make a glorious and welcome return into your sleep deprived life.

 

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Really nice article and thank you. I hope many people read it.

 

I would only add one idea: listneing to sleep hypnosis videos (I found them on You Tube) helped me a LOT. Took several months before the magic of hypnosis kicked in with me, but from then on, those videos worked like a charm. Almost better than benzos. It has been 6 years since in went CT and I STILL often listen to sleep hypnosis videos. My favorite was Jodi Whitely, but there are many people out there who record this stuff and post their videos.

east :thumbsup:

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Welcome back ThEwAY2!. I am so very happy you came back to share with us what you have learned from this gruesome BWD ordeal.  I have always like reading your posts as they are all well written, truthful, encouraging and full of hope. THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART for coming back and taking time to write this article. Hope you will continue to be around for inspiration, encouragement and support for those of us who are still struggling!

 

May you continue to have joy, peace and wellness that you well deserved!

 

Blessings!

 

Pi

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God only helps those he cares about to the people that actually Improve and have windows, Congrats God loves you, to those still having problems and no windows like me 10 months out, God Hates you sorry to say
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God only helps those he cares about to the people that actually Improve and have windows, Congrats God loves you, to those still having problems and no windows like me 10 months out, God Hates you sorry to say

 

Hello Mark M-

 

I realize you are suffering and I am sorry you are suffering. These negative statements are not very supportive. Please refrain from making comments like this in the future.

 

10 months out is not really very long for those of us who are sensitive. Try to keep distracted and continue be patient, healing does eventually come, it just takes longer for some of us to heal.  :thumbsup:

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God only helps those he cares about to the people that actually Improve and have windows, Congrats God loves you, to those still having problems and no windows like me 10 months out, God Hates you sorry to say

 

 

God loves everyone. You might find that hard to believe, but it's true. Just because you don't sleep the way you would like doesn't mean you are not healing and making improvement?

No one and I mean No one knows when you will heal or anyone else will heal. 

No one can say after 10 months I should be healed.  If anyone could say that, they would be able to say how long withdrawal would last.  But that is impossible.

People heal by giving themselves the best chance to heal...being as healthy as possible, being positive, showing gratitude, etc.

 

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Welcome back ThEwAY2!. I am so very happy you came back to share with us what you have learned from this gruesome BWD ordeal.  I have always like reading your posts as they are all well written, truthful, encouraging and full of hope. THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART for coming back and taking time to write this article. Hope you will continue to be around for inspiration, encouragement and support for those of us who are still struggling!

 

May you continue to have joy, peace and wellness that you well deserved!

 

Blessings!

 

Pi

 

Thanks Pi

 

Glad to be back...

 

Blessings to you too!

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God only helps those he cares about to the people that actually Improve and have windows, Congrats God loves you, to those still having problems and no windows like me 10 months out, God Hates you sorry to say

 

 

God loves everyone. You might find that hard to believe, but it's true. Just because you don't sleep the way you would like doesn't mean you are not healing and making improvement?

No one and I mean No one knows when you will heal or anyone else will heal. 

No one can say after 10 months I should be healed.  If anyone could say that, they would be able to say how long withdrawal would last.  But that is impossible.

People heal by giving themselves the best chance to heal...being as healthy as possible, being positive, showing gratitude, etc.

 

God loves everyone huh, yeah then why does he kill kids and give them Cancer?

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Everyone, please note: religious discussions and proselytizing are NOT allowed on the main forum.  No exceptions. we do have a faith board one can join if one so desires. 

 

Megan 918

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Well, I feel compelled to come back and talk to as well. First off, nice to see you again TheWay2.

 

I've been coming on these boards on and off (just monitoring) and I agree with TheWay2 for the most part. I thank God for making me strong throughout this time and I am now 14 months out and sleep does return but in a slow fashion. I do take Melatonin every now and then (Olly is the brand) because I do night shifts so I do have messed up Circadian rhythm. I have Unisom though I only used it during my first two months. For an odd reason I kept this one when I threw or gave away the rest of my OTC meds. I still have symptoms unfortunately but its not as bad as it was in comparison to the first few months. I lift weights now and still continue to run. I do try to eat healthy though junk food is a way of living from time to time. I also got diagnosed with high cholesterol so that is why sometimes I stick to a veggie and chicken diet. On 11 months out, I flew to Toronto from Hawaii. Man, Insomnia hit me hard still and that first day was very tough for me but I realized I was far from home and I had to tough it out. I got some sleep still but it was tough. I used to sleep on the plane on past travels but man I was up for all 12hrs of my flight. On 12 months out I flew out to Seattle for a week to visit some of my friends and sleep was kinda tough once more the first few days and I couldn't sleep on the flight again. All in all, It took me 8 months for me to finally get some sleep (deep again) though it comes in waves (sometimes decent, sometimes really bad, and sometimes good). I sleep pretty much longer if I exercise lots. My sleep is still broken like crazy. I still have lots of dreams some still pretty vivid. At least they are no longer just rem rebounds. My sleep is somewhat like TheWay2 though I still have some difficulty taking naps when I was the nap king in the past. 

 

So it does get better but I think for most of us it takes time....lots of time. I'm still seeing some improvements but I kinda laugh it off now and tell God that man 14 months off and I'm sleeping better than a year ago but still not at the level I was pre-benzos. But I thank God for what I can get. I guess I am one of those people who pushes it but I feel that it does help. I can't wait to write my success story but I give it two years if anything. Good luck folks. Praying to God calms me too so for me praying helps.

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To me, God loves everyone and everything and no creature is better than another. God does not judge you. God accepts you and loves you despite your faults. Someone going through an awful withdrawal is just as accepted by God as anyone else.

It is WE who control our lives, not God. (IMO.) God only supports you and gives you hope for a better future. God cannot prevent you from making bad decisions, such as taking benzos.

 

I am NOT religious by any means. But I do believe in some sort of God. I know that my God sent me my cat Bear. He is truly a gift from God, sent when I needed something to love and cherish the most. And I am very grateful. My God gave me the strength to get through an awful withdrawal. She gave me strength and courage when I had none.

 

Benzo withdrawal can test your faith, whatever it is. BWD actually GAVE me more faith and belief in a God. I now know I can deal with something that few people can, and hopefully will never go through.

 

BB is a public forum and all religiouos opnions have to be carefully wored so you do not offend someone else. No matter what you believe, your current focus is YOU and getting healthy after taking benzos.

 

Amen.

east

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To me, God loves everyone and everything and no creature is better than another. God does not judge you. God accepts you and loves you despite your faults. Someone going through an awful withdrawal is just as accepted by God as anyone else.

It is WE who control our lives, not God. (IMO.) God only supports you and gives you hope for a better future. God cannot prevent you from making bad decisions, such as taking benzos.

 

I am NOT religious by any means. But I do believe in some sort of God. I know that my God sent me my cat Bear. He is truly a gift from God, sent when I needed something to love and cherish the most. And I am very grateful. My God gave me the strength to get through an awful withdrawal. She gave me strength and courage when I had none.

 

Benzo withdrawal can test your faith, whatever it is. BWD actually GAVE me more faith and belief in a God. I now know I can deal with something that few people can, and hopefully will never go through.

 

BB is a public forum and all religiouos opnions have to be carefully wored so you do not offend someone else. No matter what you believe, your current focus is YOU and getting healthy after taking benzos.

 

Amen.

east

 

True God Does NOT Make you do Benzos but yet why did I get on Said Benzos? Ah, Because I started having sleep Issues, THATS GODSS FAULT! I slept find until BAM No Reason Sleep Issues, The Sleep Problems and the Horrible COUGHING problems I have are both Gods Fault NOT MINE! I Never Smoked Yet My Cough is more horrible then My Parents WHO DO SMOKE, just like Saying Kids who Get Cancer that did nothing to Deserve it...GODS FAULT! Even Says in the Bible God does things for reasons we cannot understand....Black and White....HE DOES THINGS, meaning hes to blame

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Theway2,

 

It's nice to hear from you again and get up update. As usual, your writing is clear, logical, insightful and calming. Sometimes going through wd can bring out our worst-our fears, irritability, sadness, etc. and you address that well.

 

What you, and many of us, have experienced, is that lack of sleep is extremely unpleasant but you can kind of relax into it by accepting it/not focusing on it. It takes a far greater toll when you're at war with yourself and panicking about what's causing it or how long it's going to last. It will last as long as it lasts. In the meantime, this is the perfect time to develop every coping skill possible and practice kindness with yourself and others (like you have done). Then when you're on the other side of this you'll have gained confidence in your new skills and the awareness that when the chips were down, you did what you could to make the world a better place.

 

I'm approaching 4 years off in December. I'm delighted I get some sleep every night. It's not high quality sleep and it's shorter than I'd like (around 6 hours) but I'm one of those folks with pre-existing insomnia and CFS affects the quality of your sleep. During all of this I've learned that even during times of extreme sleep deprivation (long periods of 0-4 hours nightly) I can still exercise, still make myself get some things done, still work two days per week, and see what I can do to help others in my life. Every day I give thanks it's not as bad as it used to be, even after a really bad night. For the rest of my life I'll be aware that every moment of sleep is a gift. I don't want to take that, or life, for granted.

 

Thank you to all of you out there battling to keep going, right foot, then left foot, through the flames of benzo wd. Every one of you is brave and gaining strength by staying in this and I'm honored to be part of this group of warriors.

 

MT

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Thanks MT

 

Excellent post.  I always looked to your journey as a way for me to cope with my suffering.  I always thought if MT can get by on so little sleep, maybe I can too?  You have always been an inspiration to me during this battle.  I appreciate your wisdom and guidance and I hope others do too?

 

Take care and may the Sandman continue to visit you nightly with longer and deeper sleep!  :thumbsup:

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Hello ThEway 2:

 

Glad you are back, and thank you for sharing your insights and experience with us. It is so helpful, and I agree with all what you are saying. Benzos have a place in this world; I am not a hater of benzos; don't get me wrong. However, I just wished I had been more informed about them by my psychiatrist who poly drugged me from the beginning. I guess I could have said NO from the beginning, but at the time I was desperate for some sleep.  I never had terrible sleep issues until I saw her; so basically I was trying to cover my symptoms with a plethora of drugs without tackling the root causes of my onset sleep disturbances. I am not blaming anybody nor God. What is done is done, and I have come out a stronger person from this ordeal; for this I have to thank God because I have totally surrendered and learned to accept my situation. I am also thankful to Mfan who has been the sweetest and most supportive person in BB for me. I truly recommend that one should surround himself/herself with positive people. BB has been of great support for me, but  there have been two periods where I had to lay off for awhile; but I am back and stronger than ever.

 

I am sorry for ones who are still suffering greatly. Insomnia has been one of my worse symptoms. For me, it all boiled down to STRESS at work and family issues. So, when I realized that I was mostly a healthy person (no other serious, underlying health issues) I decided to tackle my stress in more positive ways. First of all, I was lucky enough to have been able to quit my job and work only when I felt okay to work. I began a journey of yoga, praying, and meditation discovery. I had to do a lot of other lifestyles changes like quitting coffee, alcohol, processed foods, having a better sleep hygiene, light therapy, music therapy. I am all of drugs now and supplements; and my anxiety, insomnia, and depression have lifted up to the point that I just may write my success story next month. It hasn't been linear; in fact, it has been crazy. One night I may not be able to sleep at all, and then I can sleep good for days on end. I have learned not to panic and fear my symptoms anymore. It doesn't feel wonderful to be able to sleep on your own and be able to function and get on with your goals. This is something I wish to everybody here at BB, but it takes TIME and PATIENCE.

 

Peace and Love everyone!

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Solyluna,

 

Welcome back and thanks for the update.  I agree with everything you posted.  You might not completely conquer insomnia, but you are able to deal with the off nights of sleep when they come.  Glad you had doing a lot better.  Thanks for being positive and supportive.  Wish I had a "magic" wand I could wave and heal everyone still struggling.

 

Peace!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am at 2 years 3 months off and doing great.  All of my symptoms have been gone for well over a year and my sleep is pretty darn good almost every single night.  Sure, I get nights where I will wake up 3 or 4 times, but I usually fall right back to sleep.  And I still get a 4 hour night about once every 6-8 weeks, but life is just like it was BEFORE Benzos. 

 

You WILL heal and get your life back too.  Just be patient.  Each recovery/healing journey is UNIQUE.  However, they ALL have one thing in COMMON.  They all END!  :thumbsup:

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I would only add one idea: listneing to sleep hypnosis videos (I found them on You Tube) helped me a LOT.

 

These and general "sleep music" videos on youtube helped me a lot. Very soothing. I don't need them now, but they sure helped at the time.

 

Katz

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Nice to read all of these encouraging posts.  I am still struggling with my sleep... usually wake up anywhere between 2:00 a.m and 4:00 a.m. and cannot go back to sleep.....and it does not feel like sleep.  I don't get sleepy and still cannot take a nap.  I feel wired and awake when I wake up.....I did have a few good nights last week (broken sleep).....and I thought I was getting better, then,,,, back to horrible sleep.  I guess this is how it goes, up and down. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me .    One Day At A Time.
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Runnergirl,

 

There is nothing wrong with you.  Most people start to feel better by month 18.  I know many think they can't make it that long and there is no guarantee you will, but many do.  It doesn't mean everything goes away, but in general you start to feel a lot better with more and longer windows.

 

I still wake up 2-3 times per night and I am 2 years 3 months off.  The difference is now I almost always fall back to sleep within 5 or 10 minutes.  A year ago that wasn't the case and if I woke up between 2 and 4 am, I was usually up for the night.  However, I usually am sleeping between 8:30 and 9:00 pm so even by 2:00 am I have close to 5 hours.

 

What you are experiencing is all fairly normal in withdrawal sleep circles.  Hold onto the fact that you had a few good nights last week.  If you had them last week, you WILL have them again...guaranteed. :thumbsup:

 

You ARE healing.  You ARE getting through this.  Sometimes healing is so gradual that it is hard to tell that you are healing and as humans, we tend to focus much more on negative things than positive.

 

You WILL heal and get your sleep back.  Promise! :thumbsup:

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