Abbyruss - Success currently in progress!

  Success Story (currently in progress!)

 

 

Where to begin…  I’ll start near the end.   

 

 

A year ago, I was sexually assaulted in (what I considered at the time) a close friend’s home.  There were 5 other adults in the room.  All later claimed to see nothing.  They may not have seen anything (I now doubt that) - but for the past year those 5 people have called me a liar.  To anyone who will listen.  Including those I used to consider friends in my small community.  They said I wanted attention.  They made fun of me.  They trash-talked me to anyone who would listen.  They terrorized my husband and children.  I used to be naive.  I am not anymore.  Soul-sucking, heart-wrenching bullshit.  Compounded by too much alcohol.  And benzo dependence.

 

 

That night a year ago was awful.  The fallout was awful.  My therapist (not psychiatrist - no meds) and my best friend tell me what happened to me wasn’t my fault.  I know on a basic level it truly was not - but that feeling persists to this day.  I’m working on it.  After much soul searching, a lot of craziness and running the full gambit of the stages of grief, I found acceptance.  Part of that acceptance involved admitting that klonopin had become a problem in my life.  If I hadn’t been on Klonopin I don’t think I would have put myself in a  situation to be hurt so terribly.  I was sleepwalking through a benzo-fueled nightmare.  I had been on a slippery slope for a while, I was first prescribed Xanax about 7 years ago?  It was time to stop.  Get off the crazy train.  Get new friends.  Make my circle of people smaller.  Take back my life. 

 

 

This spring, after an especially horrendous unintentional withdrawal, I decided my responsibility was to my children and my husband first.  Sounds pretty simple and obvious, right?  Should be.  I’ve found - it was very easy to say that family comes first, but actually putting the sentiment into practice was/is hard freaking work.  So, I tapered from the poison, albeit faster than many here.  Something I’ve wanted to do before, but approached with a new resolve after the trauma I had experienced.  It started in April of 2018.  Tapering was difficult, but not impossible.  I made it to August, and on August 18, 2018 I quit taking Klonopin for the rest of my life.

 

 

This story is long, there are SO many more details.  What I can say, without a doubt in my mind, is that I am a better person, mother, wife and friend than I ever was while on Klonopin.  Nothing about this has been easy, and I know I have many struggles to come.  I also know that I will never, ever, ever go back.  I am still healing.  But I. AM. HEALING.  If you are fighting a battle with benzos - please know you can WIN.  My fog has lifted.  I’m no longer sleepwalking.  I have my life back.

 

 

As painful as this last year has been, the most valuable lesson I have learned is that no one else can affect me unless I allow them to do so.  This has allowed me the comfort of truly, for the first time ever, allowing things to roll off of my back.  What another person does or says (or writes) will not influence how I live.  Another person will not influence my mood, my decisions, my thoughts, my  mind unless I allow them to do so.  I am so freaking strong.  The only limits on me are the ones I place on myself.  If I can quit this nasty drug, those of you still trying can do it too.  I allowed a substance to have complete physiological control over my body.  It was an unconscious decision, but a decision nonetheless.  I will never make that mistake again.  I am trying to live a life in accordance with my best self.  I am a mom, a wife, a survivor.  I am damn proud of myself!

 

 

Klonopin lowered my inhibitions, made me feel invincible.  Made me foolish.  I am now in the driver’s seat of my life.  I believe in my intuition and I believe in myself.  I am so much more me!

 

 

Much Love and Peace,

Abby

 

 

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. It was definitely not your fault. It's 110% the guy's fault and I'm sorry his shitty friends are just as big pieces of crap as him. I'm also sorry if news has recently churned up bad feelings for you. It has for me, and I was never really assaulted. I don't really trust most guys, though, because of other experiences. It's something to work on.

 

That said, I'm glad you are feeling better about yourself and are off the substances and are finding some peace. I'm happy for you and I hope things only get better.

Abby,

So happy for your success story!!!! You're right, you are so "freaking strong" and life is new again!

How are you doing with your prilosec?

Great again on your accomplishment and hoping for more success in the future!

 

B strong

Thank you B strong!  Slow going on the Prilosec.  I have been trying to take one every other day instead of daily and also started drinking a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar - maybe it will help?  Hope all is well in your world. 

 

Abby,

So happy for your success story!!!! You're right, you are so "freaking strong" and life is new again!

How are you doing with your prilosec?

Great again on your accomplishment and hoping for more success in the future!

 

B strong

Thank you Chigrrl!  Yes, I haven't been able to watch the news the past month or so.  It's just too much.  I hope you are doing well. 

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. It was definitely not your fault. It's 110% the guy's fault and I'm sorry his shitty friends are just as big pieces of crap as him. I'm also sorry if news has recently churned up bad feelings for you. It has for me, and I was never really assaulted. I don't really trust most guys, though, because of other experiences. It's something to work on.

 

That said, I'm glad you are feeling better about yourself and are off the substances and are finding some peace. I'm happy for you and I hope things only get better.

You are very strong for taking control of your life. I have stopped watching the news for the past 9 months because it is too depressing and evil. I am so proud of you and no it was not your fault and the people running their mouths are starting to realize what awful people they really are. You are healing and until they accept their wrongdoing they never will! Be blessed and hang in there regardless of what comes your way. You are strong and you are a warrior!

This means so much.  Thank you preachergirl. <3

 

You are very strong for taking control of your life. I have stopped watching the news for the past 9 months because it is too depressing and evil. I am so proud of you and no it was not your fault and the people running their mouths are starting to realize what awful people they really are. You are healing and until they accept their wrongdoing they never will! Be blessed and hang in there regardless of what comes your way. You are strong and you are a warrior!

Abby!!! You wrote a success story!!! 

 

Nobody should have to go through that. CONGRATULATIONS on finding acceptance and strength enough to reclaim your life. You deserve every ounce of happiness you can squeeze out of it! You're an inspiration.

 

Gwinna

I wrote a success story!!!!  You are an inspiration to me as well Gwinna.  Can't wait to read yours!!!  <3 

 

Abby!!! You wrote a success story!!! 

 

Nobody should have to go through that. CONGRATULATIONS on finding acceptance and strength enough to reclaim your life. You deserve every ounce of happiness you can squeeze out of it! You're an inspiration.

 

Gwinna

Way to go Abby!!!

Thanks so much!

 

Way to go Abby!!!

I want to update this - because truthfully I love to come back and read what I once wrote- measure my progress, so to speak. I know, by reading this,  I was emotionally unavailable for awhile. Completely  shut down. That was the benzodiazepines, the withdrawal. Today - I feel things again. I think I’m actually “catching up”‘on the feeling. Emotions I buried from the sexual assault are demanding to be dealt with. The really, really crazy thing is - if I wasn’t sexually assaulted I wouldn’t have quit the benzos and gotten my life back.

 

I now work at the elementary school my kids attend. I’m a great wife and mom - and I (mostly) don’t worry about being the most popular kid in class, lol. I run into the people involved in my sexual assault all the time. They are indignant and show no remorse. Unfortunately for them - I will never forget what happened to me.

 

To the future me returning to read this - at this moment you don’t have it all figured out. You are not completely happy - but you want  to be. You have great friends that sometimes disappoint you - but your family is always there. 💕

Very proud of you! Congratulations 

I want to update this - because truthfully I love to come back and read what I once wrote- measure my progress, so to speak. I know, by reading this,  I was emotionally unavailable for awhile. Completely  shut down. That was the benzodiazepines, the withdrawal. Today - I feel things again. I think I’m actually “catching up”‘on the feeling. Emotions I buried from the sexual assault are demanding to be dealt with. The really, really crazy thing is - if I wasn’t sexually assaulted I wouldn’t have quit the benzos and gotten my life back.

 

I now work at the elementary school my kids attend. I’m a great wife and mom - and I (mostly) don’t worry about being the most popular kid in class, lol. I run into the people involved in my sexual assault all the time. They are indignant and show no remorse. Unfortunately for them - I will never forget what happened to me.

 

To the future me returning to read this - at this moment you don’t have it all figured out. You are not completely happy - but you want  to be. You have great friends that sometimes disappoint you - but your family is always there. 💕

 

Thanks for the update Abby! I'm glad you are finding some peace and healing.