Re-integration / Working Through Thoughts & Emotions

Welcome!  This support group thread is for anyone who may want to share and process any self-reflective thoughts and emotions on their journey back to living a benzo-free life.  Benzos are powerful drugs and when taken over long periods of time, and in some cases even short periods of time, they can change the way one views and processes the world.  They can affect and bring about difficult memories and patterns of thoughts that influence how we behave and interact with others.  Some of us have found it helpful to share and discuss how benzos have affected us and how we might perceive the world without the medications with others who share a similar experience.  This thread is a place for each of us to do so and it's hoped that in so doing we will help each other along the path to living a benzo-free life.

 

WARNING:  This thread is NOT therapy.  It is not a substitute for a skilled, knowledgeable, "benzo-wise" therapist or counselor who may be able to help you in a private and safe setting.  The process of digging through some of the more difficult thoughts, emotions, memories and reasons that may have led to the use of benzos in the first place can be painful.  This support thread cannot be expected to be sufficient help to work through such a difficult process.

 

This support group thread was born out of this discussion between two BenzoBuddies members which can be found here http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=211103.0.

Well the vent thread was a failure recently, this doesn’t need to be a permanent venting but I feel safe here. None of it needs to be solved or looked at by anyone but me, but it’s better than being alone and better than foisting it on one person. I motion that this thread may also be used for venting, and all states of healing (within reason.)

 

I want to be done, I want the Lord to take me. This is no life. How can anything get better, I’ve been suffering since before I was born. It got too hard at 17, 34 soon... too long. 17 years is long enough for me.

 

I’m not going to hurt myself, I just don’t see how the days can keep being lived here this way. I thought by 34 I’d have something and someone and reasons to get up. I have God, barely it feels. Don’t even feel like praying or reading anymore. Can’t get up early enough... same depressing sh*t every day.

 

SSI, this town that brings me endless sorrow, embarrassing memories, alone. Yes, I have my mother... but to live my whole life this way?

 

And this is probably “good,” imagine when more years pass and everything is the same but more worn. I miss my grandparents, they understood and loved me. She loves me, my mother, but I need to feel like an adult and I need to have a life that restores my dignity and I need to do something that matters to me, I need to have deeper relationships... in real life. I need the right person in my life. God, don’t you know this!? I’m not so great a person, but I’m not so terrible. I’m lost, I’ve asked for help and what... no drugs in my system and a website. Disability money, this town... how am I ever going to make it out of here? I thought you told me I am meant for something.

 

I hope it’s OK I vent this way... I don’t know I just feel i need to get it out. Everything here is bothering me too. Everything and everyone. It’s not good enough. I don’t feel this was my destiny, but it’s all it looks like.

 

I can’t say thank you enough, I hate saying thank you too. I hate that I feel this badly and have to suffer. I feel like I try, and I feel like that’s the right place to go to that I have been going... to the group, I felt a little flicker of hope but it’s like I’ve been in the desert too long and maybe it’s too late. How can I get to the water, and I just try and try and try. My life never even made sense at all and I looked at the world and knew it was all bullsh*t and hardly anything is special. Before I even began, I knew it was all stacked against my personality and my essence, the way I process... whomever it is that I am.

 

I don’t expect to always vent here, but I’m in the bog of eternal benzo right now myself. Leaving in typos, misspelling and other “mistakes.”

I found this description of why 12 step groups don’t work too well for us by a member at another website for people who’ve been harmed by psych meds, you don’t need a membership to read this and I won’t list the screen name for the privacy (hopefully) of the poster, but I think it relevant:

 

“ ‘ I dont know of any. The problem I see with going to AA or similar addiction groups is that our situation is completely iatrogenic, the fault of the pharmamedical establishment. I went to a detox for 3 horrid days and the blame placed upon the patients was something that has haunted me. It was anything but supportive and they did use the AA steps structure. I refuse to become involved with anything that does not differentiate between a known addictive drug/substance and our situation. The premise should be completely different. ‘



I went to AA for a while and it really made me realize just how bad our situation really is.  I remember meeting this one guy who was so heavily addicted to crack and heroin that he ended up homeless across the Border near El Paso texas, doing odd jobs for the mexican cartel.  This guy was on the streets in mexico doing hardcore crack and heroine for like 6 months - and then when I saw him it had been something like 6 months since he got sober.

 

In those 6 months he was basically fully functional again, and able to hold down a job, smile make jokes, amke good shares in the meetings etc.

 

I've met at least 10 other people in a similar situation as well.  And then there's the alcoholics, who can go from drinking like a barrel of wine every night for 30 years and fully recover within 6-12 months.

 

Meanwhile, here I am taking 20mg of cymbalta for 5 months, completely brain dead, so badly depersonalized and nerve damaged that I have been disabled for over 2 years with no end in sight.

 

So by being responsible patients, we've ended up in worse condition than hardcore homeless heroin junkies.

 

I listed to like 1000 people share their stories over that one year period or so, and I only met one person who had it as bad as me - and ironically, he had taken tricyclic antidepressants and antipsycotics with alcohol - it took him about 2 years to recover.

 

So from my experience going to AA - I can say with 100% confidence that taking antidepressants and benzos is like 1000% worse than doing most other recreational drugs that are out there - and has a MUCH MUCH slower recovery rate.

 

You NEVER hear a drug addict complaining about symptoms 2 years after stopping - never.  Ever.  They're talking about how to handle their emotions, keep their jobs, handle family etc, but I never heard anyone talk about the long term disabling symptoms of long term hardcore drug abuse (and yes, many many people were hardcore drug addicts and have fully recovered within a 3-9 month period).

 

Talk about a depressing comparison.

 

That being said, I did find it extremely helpful to go to these meetings.  People are really nice, and just sort of looked at me funny because I was struggling so bad with akathesia.  Two nice people gave me a place to stay for a couple of months when I had trouble finding an apartment - but only one or two people out of the approximately 150 people I met had any idea of what I was going through - and I had it like twice as bad as they ever did.

 

I'm technically like 18 months sober, so I could go to those meetings and attend - but I just don't find them very helpful and often get discouraged because I have such a hard time making conversation because the SSRI symptoms I have are so incredibly disabling. “

Well it helped to get all that out, I felt better for a good part of the day, so thank you.

 

mon pilote, I'm glad this space is helpful for you.  I can relate a lot to your posts.  Not just here but elsewhere on the forum too.  You parse peoples' meaning very well and you summarize and explain where you come down very well too.  I haven't seen a whole lot of the above type of posts from you elsewhere so I'm glad you're sharing.

 

I think you recently said in a post elsewhere that you've known enough not to balk at someone else's suffering.  I think that's key to getting and offering support in these forums.  Those who post here are often going through the most difficult experience they've faced.  I know I was and am now doing whatever it takes to help myself out of this.  The vast majority of truly devastating symptoms have been mental.  Sorting them takes time, patience and understanding from others.  Something I often cannot get anywhere else.

 

I've been exercising 3.5 hours a day now - swimming and walking.  Since I've been able to get out of bed and not want to stay there anymore, this is how I'm dealing with my situation.  I've always had a lot of stamina when it comes to exercise although I don't go very hard.  If I go far enough though, I get that "runner's high".  I'm chasing it and hoping all the exercise helps in other areas too.  Once I get there, I will try my hardest to never let go.  Of course now I have the time but will not always.

 

With all this time spent exercising, I haven't done a whole lot of mulling over my situation.  I space out or listen to podcasts while exercising.  Not much has changed regarding how I feel about it.  While the physical symptoms are just about all gone (except for maybe benzo belly, GI, and joint pain which could also be from the exercise), the depression and anxiety remain.  My fears center mostly around going back to work if that does work out and what other next steps there will be.  I'm saddened by my situation and another symptom I have is the indecision and indecisiveness.  It prevents me from moving forward.  I suppose this sometimes translates into "afraid to commit" and "lack of personal responsibility" or even "perfectionism" and while I see how it can, I believe the hands I've played have been big ones they just haven't worked out which is the risk I took.  None of my life otherwise has looked anything like my peers'.  I never wanted it to except in my moments of weakness.  It's "my personality and my essence, the way I process" that will always steer and drive me.  I've found out it's not going to go away and when I get to the end, I don't want to look back and say I wasn't true to that.

 

While the biggest criticism I will get from my AA peers will be that I'm not fully committed, that organization has done so much for me.  And that criticism is missing the point anyway.  I will always be a part of it no matter where I go or what happens.  That's comforting and I'm grateful I found it or it found me, rather, during my detox stay.  I moved from a populous city environment to a rural one to get through this and I haven't found the meetings as helpful perhaps just because of my schedule and individual circumstances.  It's also been harder to find AA's here that are familiar with what I've been through.

It looks like LF deleted his post but I found it helpful.  I related to everything and the never endingness of that person's suffering.  It was horrific.  I knew parts of it and there wasn't a question in my mind whether what that person was experiencing was in their head or not due to the effects of these drugs.  My heart wrenched over and over while reading it.

Mon pilote, everyone’s life has value. No one should have to suffer. Benzo are the worst drug there is. They tell us lies about our self-worth. I am also suffering from “taken as prescribed” And, yes, no one believes how bad it is or how very long it will take to heal. So we have to believe ourselves. And yes, it is probably easier to get off street drugs. That’s just pharmacology-nothing about us. One thing I can tell you. At 34, your life is just getting started. You may not see a future now, but there is a whole lot left for you up the road. Don’t ever be deceived by thinking that change can’t happen. Certainly not at your age. I know this because I am close to twice your age. And I am not ready to give up. Even though I am in my pain than I have ever known. That’s why I am writing on this forum. To give myself a bit of purpose, as well as to gain some strength from others. You are valuable. Believe it, Esperanza

esperanza  what a woman! Thank you from my heart 🌿❤️. I respect that so much, all that you wrote. You have reached me and I have no doubt you are reaching others as well.

 

I can’t add anything of course— amazing words amazing Grace.

Seltzerer, we are on a similar wavelength as usual. Thanks for starting this group!

 

I'm a different (and better) person for having gone through withdrawal, and now that I'm feeling better I'm definitely struggling to reintegrate in some ways. I keep beating myself up for not being more active and productive. I know I can feel, do, and be better but I get overwhelmed pretty easily.

 

More thoughts to share later...on my way to dinner plans and hoping I can muster the energy to have a good time.

Seltzerer, we are on a similar wavelength as usual. Thanks for starting this group!

 

I'm a different (and better) person for having gone through withdrawal, and now that I'm feeling better I'm definitely struggling to reintegrate in some ways. I keep beating myself up for not being more active and productive. I know I can feel, do, and be better but I get overwhelmed pretty easily.

 

More thoughts to share later...on my way to dinner plans and hoping I can muster the energy to have a good time.

:smitten:

 

Exactly!  I beat myself up so much during this. One falter or misstep turns me into an emotional wreck with unreasonable catastrophic thinking. I didn't really understand I would be here at this point post w/d and I'm realizing to overcome and lift myself further, my efforts won't be at all like what I did to make it through and get off the medication. It's going to be relearning and restructuring and to be able to share those steps with others who have been through similar circumstances will be really helpful, I hope.

 

This came about with mon pilote's responses and shares too.

:smitten:

 

Exactly!  I beat myself up so much during this. One falter or misstep turns me into an emotional wreck with unreasonable catastrophic thinking. I didn't really understand I would be here at this point post w/d and I'm realizing to overcome and lift myself further, my efforts won't be at all like what I did to make it through and get off the medication. It's going to be relearning and restructuring and to be able to share those steps with others who have been through similar circumstances will be really helpful, I hope.

 

This came about with mon pilote's responses and shares too.

 

Yes, this exactly! During withdrawal I had to learn to take it easy and go day by day. Now I'm thinking more about long-term goals. Should I switch careers? Should we buy a house? Take more road trips? But at the same time, I have meltdowns when I can't keep up with housework or errands. I convince myself that I'm lazy or inadequate. Because of PTSD, guilt and anxiety are my default settings. It's a lot of deliberate work to retrain my thought processes and I get frustrated...then depressed. Some of this is lingering withdrawal, I'm sure, but I need to adapt my coping mechanisms. (I also need to smoke less pot, though it's helped get me through my taper.) I know I'm healing, and I'm grateful to have come this far - but I'm so glad for the space to talk about how best to move forward from here.

 

Gwinna

The exercise I've been doing is making a huge difference.  I just added swimming to my workouts.  I am starting to come alive and out of the depression and anxiety quickly.  It's remarkable the changes I'm feeling.  Now that I've said that, I'll probably have a bad or week or something.

 

I've been thinking a little about what to say in reply to your post, Gwinna, and to the larger thread.  I suppose my approach recently has been try to achieve the productivity I had while on the benzos.  As terrible as they were and I will never go back, I still took them up through the end, to deal with my anxiety and to get things done.  I was always able to use them effectively that way unless I took too much inadvertently.  Having the anxiety out of the way, allowed me to see and deal with things at work and in relationships. I'm starting to achieve some of that only in a very small way and it takes a while for my mind to "warm up".  I'm better at it after a full night's sleep, after I exercise, or toward the end of a relatively good day with no major sxs.

 

I don't know if it's a good approach and I don't exactly know what it is that I'm after, other than a sense of satisfaction after talking with someone or accomplishing a small task, but it's familiar to me when I get there and not so distant and I'm productive and interacting with others in the process.

 

There were of course, a ton of consequences to this while I was on the benzos (sleepiness, anxiety when meds wore off, eventually much much worse which we're all well aware of).  The challenges I have now though are to calm down naturally or find something to do with myself after I finish whatever I'm doing.  It's really awkward in many ways or unfamiliar I guess but I think it's because I don't know what to do with a little more stamina and energy instead of the inevitable crash that would come about from the alprazolam.

I went to get my haircut yesterday.  I have a really tough time finding a good stylist that doesn't give a buzzcut or charge too much.  This one talked and asked uncomfortable personal questions.  I was captive.  It made me feel bad about myself because I don't want to reflect on my current situation with a stranger.  She commented on my weight.  This is only the second time I've seen her.  I came away feeling like I don't belong anywhere or with anyone.  I didn't like myself.  To come out of it, I went walking and then swimming and by the end of the day I started to feel better.  This is a fucking haircut for gosh sake!  I don't think I'll do very well if I encounter a series of these types of incidents at work for example.  The pushback I always get is to get over myself and just be polite.  And I have.  I've used xanax to relax and get through these types of situations (not haircuts but similar and worse; haircut is just an example).  The fact remains, I will probably end up avoiding these situations and walk around with a shitty looking hairdo. Another example of a trivial situation becoming catastrophic.  Fuck!

Oh that sounds like an awful haircut to sit through seltzerer.  I also try to keep the focus off of myself, when just meeting people.  It's hard. 

 

Thanks for starting this group.  During my taper, in the summer of 2017, I started having what I thought was an anger problem.  Now, I think it is just regular anger that I don't know how to express.  I am still not doing very well with it.  I feel a lot of shame about being so angry, and yet, the anger makes me feel so righteous, it's hard to doubt it when I feel it.  I'm still working this out.

Thank you.  It's not just me, right?

 

Anger is not a bad thing unless you do something destructive with it.  You can have it and focus it and it can dissipate.  Let it out though.  Somehow find a way, is my suggestion.

It's not just you, seltzerer. Sorry you had that experience. I hate getting haircuts because everything about it is triggering for me - leaving the house, having to talk to a stranger, while they stand behind me, not to mention touch me...it's way harder than it should be. I get embarrassed about having a tough time with it, but of course that only makes it worse. I actually liked my last haircut, but it's grown out over the past few months because I haven't been able to bring myself to go back. Sheesh. I hope this gets easier.

 

I'm bummed out because I had to take another day off of work. I'm doing that about every two weeks, and running very low on PTO at this point. My job is very stressful, and it's making it harder for me to sleep or function in the morning. Usually my self-care routines are enough, but not today. I'm trying to make up for it by being more productive around the house. Hope to make some progress on my application portfolio for a few job openings I'm considering. Mostly though, I just had to break the cycle of anxiety/depression and give myself a break.

 

I've never been a working adult without benzos. It's a learning curve, and while I'm sure it will be worth it in the long run, right now I'm just overwhelmed. Glad I can at least come here and talk about it.

I got overwhelmed today and all hell broke loose in my head.  I've been doing really well or so I have thought.  I get to today and wonder if I'm just spinning my wheels and deluding myself and maybe nothing is really materializing.  I've been in pain from all the exercise I'm doing.  I started exercise again today but felt I was about to pull a muscle so I wrote the rest of the day off since I couldn't exercise and I've been avoiding, isolating, and feeling paranoid.  This is what I would do on the benzos.  It's nowhere near what it was like during inter-dose w/d or w/d but it's kind of in the same vein.  Is this my new normal?

Is this my new normal?

 

I refuse to believe this is your new normal, or mine, my friend. Sorry you had a tough day.

Thanks, Gwinna!    I'm not sure I know how to do this.    Hope your day is going well!

While I know that the title of this thread makes TOTAL sense and the posts are great.. I wish it had the word haircut in it as I just stumbled upon it (I just go to unread posts or replies) and it was VERY re-affirming.  I have been avoiding going to get my hair done like the plague.  I am not real good about people touching me to begin with but I am damned if that person is going to be keeping me hostage while I get my haircut.  I know this sounds irrational but much like Seltz described; I feel trapped by people in this state and am always sure I have a way out.  This is not going to be my "new normal" as I have already made huge progress but I can SOOOO  relate.  I actually got my hair cut short after Acute due to it falling out and reported about it as I had a HUGE panic attack in the salon and had to jump around to regain myself (avoid passing out).  Please do go ahead and laugh... it was funny!  But now it is time to return for a trim and I just keep avoiding it.  What if it triggers me based on last time?  What if she asks me more questions about my health? 

 

Boy it is nice to have people to relate to.  Thank you. 

While I know that the title of this thread makes TOTAL sense and the posts are great.. I wish it had the word haircut in it as I just stumbled upon it (I just go to unread posts or replies) and it was VERY re-affirming.  I have been avoiding going to get my hair done like the plague.  I am not real good about people touching me to begin with but I am damned if that person is going to be keeping me hostage while I get my haircut.  I know this sounds irrational but much like Seltz described; I feel trapped by people in this state and am always sure I have a way out.  This is not going to be my "new normal" as I have already made huge progress but I can SOOOO  relate.  I actually got my hair cut short after Acute due to it falling out and reported about it as I had a HUGE panic attack in the salon and had to jump around to regain myself (avoid passing out).  Please do go ahead and laugh... it was funny!  But now it is time to return for a trim and I just keep avoiding it.  What if it triggers me based on last time?  What if she asks me more questions about my health? 

 

Boy it is nice to have people to relate to.  Thank you.

 

Lol!  Thanks for posting, Leslie!  I'm glad you like the thread.  I'm glad there are others who can relate to the oftentimes disturbing process of getting a haircut.  I initially thought it was just me.  It is putting yourself in a very vulnerable spot which, with everything we've been through is understandable it's so dreadful.  Hoping it goes well for you. 

Oh you guys remind me I am due for a haircut.  I just took my son in for one, and oh, I guess that was already two weeks ago.  Between haircuts and dentist appointments, I feel like that is the max I can do, but I actually do more, and I just don't feel great while doing it. 

 

I've met with a new therapist this week.  She seems like she really knows cognitive behavioral therapy.  I'm excited for this, as I am hoping it is going to help me.  I'm also listening to the book, "Dance of Anger"again, as I feel like this has a lot of info about anger and relationships and defining ourselves. 

 

With my anger, I do think I might be treating my husband unfairly, and maybe I am really angry at something else, and not him.  It's so hard to say. 

 

I actually have forgotten how I got here.  I remember the facts of having a kid and dating my husband, but I don't remember falling in love, or the years we allegedly have now spent together.  I feel like that is a big factor in why I find him annoying now and not endearing.  I feel like this about a lot of decisions.  I remember the facts, but not my feelings or supportive arguments of why I did something. 

I’m considering staying (posting) but using only this one thread and my blog, while I continue to try and survive and also re-integrate after what has happened with bzds— as well as everything else that led up to it.

 

Trying really hard to make the right choices and do the right things for myself, and the right things in general, but this is so freaking lonely. It’s lonely and it’s incredibly difficult to come to terms with, these are simply the facts.

 

Ive been driving in order to connect with others in person, it’s time and energy consuming though (not to mention the money) and it will take some time to transition fully. If I didn’t have to drive like this to go shopping and see people, I don’t think I’d feel the need to stick around after I had said I was taking a break. What can I say.

 

Who knows though, because while I seem to be doing well, better over-all,  I think the fact that this kind of thing can happen, has happened, has  happened to me and continues to happen to others just breaks my heart. Also, aside from all of that being so weird and painful, life is weird. I guess I don’t really know a better place to go presently where I am able to feel the level of understanding I get here for all of this.

 

Bummer, in a way. A life beyond the screen is what I long for the most.

I enjoy going to get my haircut. The person who cuts my hair also cuts for most others in my community & I get to catch up on all the happenings that I missed. The person who cuts my hair also stays abreast with global events which I also find interesting. best wishes

Oh you guys remind me I am due for a haircut.  I just took my son in for one, and oh, I guess that was already two weeks ago.  Between haircuts and dentist appointments, I feel like that is the max I can do, but I actually do more, and I just don't feel great while doing it. 

 

I've met with a new therapist this week.  She seems like she really knows cognitive behavioral therapy.  I'm excited for this, as I am hoping it is going to help me.  I'm also listening to the book, "Dance of Anger"again, as I feel like this has a lot of info about anger and relationships and defining ourselves. 

 

With my anger, I do think I might be treating my husband unfairly, and maybe I am really angry at something else, and not him.  It's so hard to say. 

 

I actually have forgotten how I got here.  I remember the facts of having a kid and dating my husband, but I don't remember falling in love, or the years we allegedly have now spent together.  I feel like that is a big factor in why I find him annoying now and not endearing.  I feel like this about a lot of decisions.  I remember the facts, but not my feelings or supportive arguments of why I did something.

 

Have you talked with your husband?  Do you think he might understand?  I guess I would want to know if I was a part of it.  Just him being aware might help and may take away some of the anger fuel.  It kind of cuts it I guess and forces you to face it a bit more and be responsible for it.  Just my thoughts on this.  I don't have anger directed at anyone right now but I feel angry at the world often or idiot drivers of my hair stylist who is not attuned to my personality, etc.  Talking about it helps and also exercising.