who am I now?

I can't believe the trip I've been through.  I don't know how to move beyond this.  My world is completely different.  I don't know how I made it through.  I just kept telling myself that I had to stop and not take anymore medication.  I had so many unbelievable weird sensations and experiences.  I felt grotesque, afraid, disgusted, distressed like I was in another world when I was going through all of that and it hurt me so badly.  I'm a completely different person now I don't know if I can reintegrate.  I'm so upset.

So, you are healed?

I'm no longer under the influence of benzos or psych meds.

What about symptoms? Are they gone? If yes and if I were you, I would start with some light exercise - running, riding a bike, going to swim, etc., but still avoiding overdoing it.

Trying to hang out with people... go with small steps.

Depression and anxiety. Apathy, zero motivation, no joy, fatigue, fear of social situations, interacting w people. My addiction center is still active- I want to eat a lot. Sleep, food and exercise are only things that keep me going.

 

I walk most days 6 miles.

 

I have a strong aversion to being around others. It’s draining and I come away with more negative feelings. I honestly don’t think it’s helpful for me right now. I try but do not enjoy it at all.

I do like “interacting” with others here and learning about what they’re going through. I’m thankful for this site and all the buddies here.

 

I don’t know if I can reframe my life now though and find a path forward. I’m mostly terrified of it all.

Your old self will return

I’m having a lot of same issues, though I feel less bad about the people I try to spend time with because I am extremely picky, I’m more careful than ever. Though sometimes I wonder how that is truly serving me, I don’t know.

 

What really gets me though is the exhaustion and the feeling that there are more people around in general, ...”the crowd.”

 

I think your exercise routine is enviable, I would like to start and there isn’t too much of an excuse beyond the fact that I don’t like where I live because of memories and people here, though I think that could all be pushed past in order to help myself— at least with exercise anyway.

 

Driving to be around people I would prefer to see and the traffic and crowds, then what you mention about re-integration. These things and the others, appreciate your openness to post on such.

Your old self will return

 

I personally don’t want my old self, I want my true/real/authentic self who was buried under psych meds and addiction, traumas and unresolved wounding from the past.

 

Though I’m not trying to be contrary, or impolite, I just see this happening so often, that people want their old lives and old selves back. Maybe others were better versions of themselves when they started bzds... I wasn’t though 

 

Really wish there were groups, or at least more groups and one near me, for those damaged by psych drugs and other rx’d meds. Bzds in particular. I’d consider starting one if I had the physical energy.

i felt the same exact way too!!

 

 

i felt so awful i started living as healthy as i could. swore off drugs and alcohol. surrounded myself with positive thoughts people and places. started reading writing and drawing. organized my life and things i had negletected forever. stopped fighting with people and negative relationships. stopped caring about superficial things. practiced kindness. started enjoying nature daily. started working out daily. jogging running bike rides. started eating a paleo diet.

 

 

i am not who i was before i am a better person. sure i am a little broken and beat up and have regrets and a deep anger and sadness towards what has happened, but i now know i am a better person. a better person but also closer to who i was before this big mess.

 

 

hang in there and be kind to yourself and you will feel the same way one day too!

 

 

 

i felt the same exact way too!!

 

 

i felt so awful i started living as healthy as i could. swore off drugs and alcohol. surrounded myself with positive thoughts people and places. started reading writing and drawing. organized my life and things i had negletected forever. stopped fighting with people and negative relationships. stopped caring about superficial things. practiced kindness. started enjoying nature daily. started working out daily. jogging running bike rides. started eating a paleo diet.

 

 

i am not who i was before i am a better person. sure i am a little broken and beat up and have regrets and a deep anger and sadness towards what has happened, but i now know i am a better person. a better person but also closer to who i was before this big mess.

 

 

hang in there and be kind to yourself and you will feel the same way one day too!

 

Thank you for this post, pushthefeeling, and thank you seltzerer! Sorry for taking up a lot of space again, but not too, just trying to heal and these are exactly the topics I need to see/work through with other bb’s.

 

Really happy you were able to get yourself to do all this amazing stuff, push.

Yeah, pushthefeeling, thank you!  Thank you both.  You make so many important points.  It'll be about surrounding myself with positivity and positive people and doing the things I know will make me a healthier and more fulfilled person and it will have to be a better person than I was before.  When I think hard about it, I somehow protected myself through everything and the meds were a huge protective shield in many ways.  I didn't get into trouble at work, with a sig other or kids, or have any financial troubles.  I did everything to set myself up well until I couldn't keep together anymore with the meds.  I knew something wasn't right all along.  I coped with booze and benzos to make it through.  I just hope I didn't internalize too much so now I can't recover or assert myself enough to form the relationships I want.  It's terrifying.  Mon pilote, this is what I need.  I need to be able to talk about this with others who have gone through a similar experience.  I'm open to sharing all of it.  All the shitty places I went to in my head, in life, away from others.  AAs are the closest thing but nowhere near where I was in my darkest days.  I would join you to discuss and help heal in person if it were feasible.

 

I will be bruised for a long time.  I just hope I can overcome the mental scars and I hope that I start feeling ready soon.

“Mon pilote, this is what I need.  I need to be able to talk about this with others who have gone through a similar experience.  I'm open to sharing all of it.  All the shitty places I went to in my head, in life, away from others.  AAs are the closest thing but nowhere near where I was in my darkest days.  I would join you to discuss and help heal in person if it were feasible.

 

I will be bruised for a long time.  I just hope I can overcome the mental scars and I hope that I start feeling ready soon.”

 

Me too, I guess we can keep attacking it on the boards here to the extent each of us is able. When you post about it it gives me courage to try. As much as things became unraveled for me, I’d rather I were able to do it with purpose, on purpose, as opposed to it happening whenever it wants to.

 

I do wish there were more support for all stages of this, but obviously right now I wish I just had a group like aa but for bzds with the broader focus on how this was done to us in many ways. I guess I just really, really need something and would be willing to do all of that too. AA is great, but it just doesn’t even touch this experience.

 

The courage to get over pride issues, charachter defects, perfectionism and all of this in the company of others who understand would sincerely mean everything at this point. I just don’t see how to re-integrate without this, and without attempting to help out in our cause in some way. But then, how overwhelming that all seems to take on, too. I feel I need the in-person support! For now, thankful you are basically voicing what I need to as well. It’s just so difficult to un-freeze and un-clam about so many things. I feel self-conscious sharing, often, but it’s like I need to share the nitty-gritty (what a weird term or phrase from the olden days— my grandmother said it I’m sure,) the dirty (emotions and flaws or whatever) and the details of it all. It’s like I need to share those things and be my entire self so that I can see that I will be liked anyway for who I am, or at least able to like my whole self in the company of others. Always I bring up how I feel unsafe to do this in the place I live, because of the dynamics here and the history. It’s been incredibly challenging for me to share who I am where I live, because people don’t see me... it’s my last name/history/family they see. Which I think is so lame, because well I just always felt that it was anyway. A sort of “fame” or recognition on a really small scale for nothing that I’d ever done. It was/is small scale, but it’s been an enormous and continual challenge for me here... and I haven’t been able to leave yet. My biggest fear is I won’t ever leave.

 

Hope is ok to say all of this on your post, it’s just that you word a lot of the feelings and struggles I have and feel afraid or unable to, or just I don’t know... I haven’t been able to. It’s all stuffed in there.

 

I don’t know what you would call it, but I wish there were a support thread in the support group section for these things exactly.

 

How many times can I use the word “just,” not really sure.

Of course, mon pilote.  Was looking for this level of sharing and experience.  I am like you. I have to process with others who've gone through something similar in order to heal.  My experience with this medication was so profound.  I don't think I will ever go through anything that difficult in my life again.  This drug in particular almost took my soul.  I barely hung on day after day, week after week, year after year.  So many times it got so bad I didn't think I could take anymore and it got worse.  I didn't realize what was happening to me for so long.  I was so confused largely because my memory was so affected.

 

I've heard it makes you feel "invisible" and there's a lot of truth to that when I was using it to cope.  I dealt with so many personal issues quickly and without showing a whole lot of fear or pain.  I have to know it's ok to show those things now because I was so afraid to and the medication allowed me to hide it so effectively.  It took me so long to learn that I had to let it go.  I never wanted to and still believe it allowed me to accomplish things I didn't know I could do.  I had a lot of professional success while on the drug.  I fantasize about going back on all the time bc it covered up those character defects and boosted my ego.  I've also heard it makes you feel invincible and I did.  I could handle anything and I shudder to think how I will cope if I'm not totally honest about everything as I go forward.  For myself, for me, I have to process it that way.  You don't seem to shy away from saying what's on your mind?  Perhaps it is when the attention is on your own personal faults?  We all have them and I'm increasingly seeing that the folks on here have a lot of the same ones I do.  You gotta be able to be you where you're at.  I hope things are ok enough for you to spread your wings a bit as you heal.  I'm picturing some small rural farm town with a population of 500 or so and you're family lives on the wrong side of the tracks?  (No need to share more if uncomfortable with it.)  Well, I hope you can do what you gotta do and keep your eye on getting out of there.

 

Practically, I'm not sure what the best way to go about this is but will continue to throw my issues out there every now and then.  I typically always get responses on here from somebody.  These struggles are common it seems and yes, I'm sure there's still risk involved in sharing a lot but there is a level of anonymity here that I don't think will be violated by Colin and whoever else admins but suppose there is still that risk.

 

I will have to think more about what to do.  I like the idea of starting a support thread in the groups sub forum.  What would be a way to do it?  Share thoughts on a topic related to benzo use?  Go topic by topic?  What are the emotional stages one goes through?  I'm not sure I can put an outline together about it but would love to hear others' thoughts.  I'm still in a bit of a grieving phase but I'm moving on more toward a personal responsibility phase as I get healthier.  There are other things in there that are subtle that are going on and I'm never quite certain but there is an arc to this process I see.

seltzerer,

 

I don’t know, “Re-integration / Working Through Thoughts & Emotions” -like thread is an idea. Or simply “Re-integration,” or “Integration & Re-integration” haha. Not sure.

 

It would be cool to have something like aa, but for bzds which would also take into account that this was basically foisted upon us.

 

I have no idea, yes... it’s too much to work through on my own. I don’t want to try and hide things either, and absolutely I do become more shy when the attention is on my own personal faults. Though, I’m actually really eager to shine a light on all of them at this point. It’s not the wrong side of the tracks situation (also the town is sizably larger)  it’s a family member who was recognized in the community and was a fairly unique individual. I never understood why the emphasis on any of it and our name because of that, especially because I was close to the family member, the closest. They just made sense to me, we tended to be alike in many ways. Then something happened and then more things when I decided to start drinking. And then the worst of it was what happened that gave me the high amounts of PTSD and c-PTSD at the end which caused me to need something like a tranquilizer. Anyway, yes, it all needs to come out.

 

Bzds were indeed the hardest thing to ever happen to me as well, and you speak of them nearly taking your soul... it really has felt that way on many levels. I’d have to include alcohol there and even marijuana, and toxic people (past but still it does need to come out... actually this one really does!) So I don’t know, a therapist once told me not to say this: “I don’t know.” Something suggested to me recently for some help with abandonment issues in particular is Adult Children of Alcoholics. My dad was an alcoholic and wasn’t in my life because of it, and because his misery and pain were greater than any conviction that I may have needed him or life may have (since he was alive.)

 

I also don’t know, because at aa or ma or whatever group, a couple of minutes under pressure for someone who struggles with social anxiety just isn’t enough. There’s no way I can normally get where I need to go in that setting, find what I really need. It’s all too much inside, and I haven’t found a truly talented therapist and I’m pretty sure my low-income (no income aside from ssi at this point) could cover a psychologist. The thing is that, and I appreciate hearing the hopes for me, is that I think I could be really functional and successful... but it’s finding the pieces here and this community fits me the closest of all as well.

 

There is a risk in sharing, but I’m willing. Perhaps we can kick this idea around here a little bit more and take a leap? I’m game. If no one else joins, at least we’d be out there and letting the light in until someone else wanted to and we wouldn’t have to hide together alone in pm’s... that hardly seems appropriate most of the time even with other women (for me.) I don’t know, I can be direct but I try not to be too horribly obtuse or narcissistic. I guess it’s finding a balance between stuffing so much and being so courteous and stoic for so many huge things in life like most of us have, and this other aspect of myself which seems to shout “that’s enough, I’ve had enough of this cr*p!” Hahaha, well, I don’t know (again.) I don’t, really, I just can’t see stuffing it all down and I think my real self needs a fighting chance. I don’t think I’m so dramatic or emotional as sometimes I appear on here, not at all, and I’m actually more interested in other people than I’m sure it shows... it’s too much covering and hiding and stuffing— that’s the thing.

Also, on invincibility and invisibility— oy this hits the truth.

Does anyone think therapy is useful with such issues?

Adjusta, I think it would be if the therapist were skilled enough. I’m fairly interested in something called focusing, there was a book written about it by a psychologist named Eugene T. Gendlin. I’m pretty sure there are therapists and psychologists who use this, but I don’t think my insurance would likely be able to cover one of these if I found them. I could try, but it’s also something that can be done alone.

I’m in no fit state to even think about any of this atm. Need to survive tapering and acute etc and see what is left of me.

 

Just strikes me that once people no longer have serious physical, neuro symptoms etc and are left with what amounts to a loss of self from the shock of the whole thing that that ought to be amenable to therapy in the same way that any issues of identity loss would be?

I’m in no fit state to even think about any of this atm. Need to survive tapering and acute etc and see what is left of me.

 

Just strikes me that once people no longer have serious physical, neuro symptoms etc and are left with what amounts to a loss of self from the shock of the whole thing that that ought to be amenable to therapy in the same way that any issues of identity loss would be?

 

You would think so, but I have found just about every experience to be as invalidating for what we have experienced as the next, it feels re-traumatizing.

 

Again, what I and I think seltzerer are saying is that we’d appreciate being around others who have had this happen to them. I’d actually try and form a group if I wasn’t so near to thoroughly debilitated by the remaining symptom of extreme exhaustion. Then there is the apathy and depression, but I’d still go for it if I felt I could be physically present consistently to try this.

 

I just looked up focusing practitioners and just as I suspected, there is one in my area but they don’t take Medicare/gov’t health insurance.

 

Yes, I’m looking forward to others I’ve known from bb getting to this stage and realizing what I’m facing now. I had anticipated some difficulty, but I think it’s a bit different once you have basically survived and find out what that really feels like in the sense that I’m experiencing. I don’t see how so many just seem to breeze right past this part? I can’t, it was a highly traumatic experience for me, aside from all the other trauma I feel no therapist or mental health professional I’ve been exposed to has had any experience or willingness to touch. All “professionals” and the whole system is feeling incredibly useless to me at this point, and thoroughly depressing/invalidating and seem most professional in the areas of further frustrating and re-traumatizing.

 

I wish bb were enough, but I don’t think it really is. I would like to see a thread to help in the support area with these kinds of things for us to try and air out or work through. I guess that is what we’re sort of talking about.

I totally get that.

 

I have found it hard to deal with counsellors who don’t get the physical reality of ME/CFS or gaslighting by doctors.

 

Lack of understanding and belief is very harmful just as it is to sexual abuse survivors.

 

I think groups would be great.

 

Do you think it would be possible once healed enough to seek therapy for the identity confusion without having to focus on the benzo stuff so much?

 

I suppose what I’m wondering is at what point is the loss of identity still being caused by benzo damage and at what point can it be treated as the result of a severe trauma like you would any other trauma?

Well it’s a good question about when or if bzd suffering can be treated as any other form of trauma or identity issue(s) or abuse, and thank you for validating the invalidation experience.

 

I guess I have so little faith in therapist’s and psychologist’s abilities and willingness to be frank, that I’d have to see and experience any one them demonstrate any skill at all in these areas. I feel they have been so useless that it’s difficult to trust or try and trust again at all.

 

I just feel like the whole area of discipline is horrendously incompetent, and I trust very few at this stage with my psyche. I mean maybe even it’s gone so wrong and been such a disappointment for me that I don’t have any trust at all left, practically. I wish Eugene Gendlin were still alive, and I could see him.

 

The best I can think of is to study focusing from him, I have the audiobook and there are some videos of him on YouTube, and see if I meet anyone who is also interested in felt sense. And I think that groups are an idea and that I will try as many as I feel drawn to in my area, of all kinds not only 12 step, but I think that I’m still considering trying to form one at some point for those harmed by bzds.

 

I can only really utilize bb for now, and hope some of my apathy and depression wears off and that I can have more physical energy to deal with these things and also do activities that are fun or inspiring enough to restore some faith in life. I don’t know, I do know I need to get some verve back, but these internal issues are pressing down on me.

I've found therapists' inability to validate what I'm going through to be frustrating too.  I think they can and do help in other ways.  This forum, for as much as it's lacking, has been one of the most beneficial things to me throughout this.  I was alone, truly alone before I realized how I could help myself.  Once I learned about others who have tried to get off psych meds and found out about ways they'd done it, I started to believe I could and I was able to put something together for myself and start to pull myself out of the trap I was caught in.  No therapist was going to be able to recognize that because I was already a part of the system.  It was f*cked up.

 

But yes, it's simply sharing and reading what others have gone through who have a very similar experiences to mine that will help without the need to pull any difficult thoughts and feelings and unfortunately we can't address some of the more difficult thoughts that come up a lot throughout this process.  I find AA prescriptive and dogmatic and their experiences seem nowhere near mine although alcohol was a big part of my coping.  There's also the underlying social anxieties that I don't feel I can address in AA that are such an essential part of me that need to be addressed in order to overcome without the medication.  The more I go through this, the more I realize I'm just like everyone else but my self-protective mechanisms and sensitivities may be a little higher than others which is what led to an 18 year derailment of my life while I was on medication.  I don't want that anymore and I don't have to think that way anymore.  Getting that perspective does not come from many therapists bc a lot of them work from within that system.

 

I'm concerned a little bit, mon pilote, about your PTSD and c-PTSD.  I don't know if this would be a place to work through that bc that can be traumatic just addressing it and this is through an anonymous support website.  I would just hope you have someone in person to talk to about it.

I sort of feel that way too, about aa being a bit dogmatic.

 

Don’t worry about the c-ptsd, or ptsd, I’m fairly strong. I think more than anything it’s the trauma from this whole experience. If I can feel like I have enough energy and can exercise and get out, hopefully the apathy and depression will lift while I try some groups out. Would be nice to move, too, but I guess I will just pray it all comes together because right now (today) I’m trying to accept what is.

 

Untill all those things happen, I can’t see myself going to school or working. Probably acceptance is best for now, but it is good to type and read on here. Until I can get through school and have a career of some kind, I don’t see myself doing massage therapy forever and actually to be honest it doesn’t sound all that exiting now, I don’t think I’ll be able to afford the kind of therapist or psychologist who could do too much to help.

 

I feel like I’m as disappointed with the lack of resources and support as most of us are, and I’m pretty adaptable if I have enough physical strength, thank you for caring though seltzerer. Have to settle for bb for now basically— which has been a lifesaver, feels like I need more and will need more if I can feel well enough.

Let's start a thread in the groups subforum, mon pilote.  I can think through an introduction to lay out the purpose for others but will probably not get to it for a while.  Please feel free to put together if you'd like to.  Perhaps we can develop it more as we go along.  It might just be you and me but I think we've got a lot we can share and work through with each other.  I've actually felt good yesterday afternoon and today after a not so good Saturday so I'm holding on to some of those positive feelings right now before the difficult ones come back around.