Someone's Blog Entry: The Dark Night of the Soul

https://www.unintentionaladdict.com/blog/category/dark-night-of-the-soul

Benzo breakthrough

Send me to a desert island

3/5/2017

Apparently I can't stay off my electronics no matter HOW HARD I TRY.

You might say I am not trying hard enough, but my obsessions and compulsions are in full force. Believe me, even if I don't have results.. I AM TRYING. In my own backwards kind of way.

Amidst 10 hours of bad behavior (checking ,googling, researching, fretting, pacing, feeling like a victim, feeling like I am dying and am doomed) there are glimmers, and I mean little tiny specks of productive behavior (full blown surrender, loss of fear of death, acceptance of what is, neural retraining, walking, praying, laying down, hugging my children, writing, distracting).

The many benzo folks who could stay in their room with no stimulation are a lucky few. Does it help to have a family? In some ways it does, in other ways it is a reminder of what I can not do.

I continually feel the need to GO SOMEWHERE. DO SOMETHING about this.

Despite the fact that my phone was being blow dried and taken apart by my savy husband, it is still non functinal. Did that keep me off bad websites or facebook or digging and researching? Nope.

Not proud of it.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is well, nothing.

As I write this my son is screaming at me that he wants more whip cream.

So many people, friends and colleagues have asked me "How are your children? Who is taking care of them?" "Are you taking care of them?".

Simply put, no, I am not taking care of them.

I try and come out of my room and give a smile to "look normal". I give them hugs. I let them know that I love them and that I want more than anything to be their mom right now and jump into the car and take them to the park. I want to take them on a hike. I want to go to the beach and rollerblade with them. I want to go to Disneyworld and other places that make them happy.

Places that I had no issues going to before. Places that I could run around until 11pm. I want to pick them up and go to school events. I want to have play dates.  I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.

And a prescribed medication, prescribed irresponsibly and my vulnerable genetics have lead to this and so much more.

When I call doctors they just want to pile on more meds.

NO MORE PILLS.

I don't care what happens.

If this is just withdrawal then I need to find my way out of this. If it isn't, then I have to deal with that issue as well.

Any advice on what shifts that attitude of a challenging 5 year old??

Ear plugs please.

I feel your pain and I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I, and probably many others, have had the same experience.

I also want to be able to do the things that I used to do. At one time I was also not concerned about or able to deal with the concerns of family members.

It is like there is a film or some kind of semi-opaque curtain between me and reality. Everything is so swimmy and at a distance. It is like there is a phase shift between my brain and reality.

I have also had the urge to "GO SOMEWHERE. DO SOMETHING about this." It can be very frustrating.

I don't know why there have not been more replies to your posting.