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KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......


[KR...]

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I suppose if you medicate one feeling, you end up medicating them all.  How true, they will all still there when you come out the other side.  That's a good thing, having feelings come back.  So sorry about your sister.  Sounds lame, but what words to say about something so shocking. 

 

With much compassion

Welchie

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I am totally glued to your story.  It's wonderfully, brutally honest, raw and ultimately optimistic.  Your attitude is incredible.  I got more from reading this one thread, more sound advice, hope and optimism than anywhere.  Especially about the mind games the Benzo plays with you.  You just have to keep pushing past.  It's like living behind enemy lines and the enemy is yourself.  It seems the Benzo plays with ALL your vulnerabilities  - mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.  It constantly mirrors my darkest fears all day, all night.  No rest.  Like demon haunted.  A one way ticket to hell.  Now I Know it is NOT a one way ticket.

 

Dude, Thanks

 

I'm glad you've gotten something out of my story. I try not to sugar coat my words. Lets face it....Benzo withdrawl is Hell. Lets call it what it is. The good news is it DOES go away. I know that's hard to believe while your suffering. But you have to believe me and hold on tight. Because it will fade away. It took me a long dam time....but im proof it does happen. Thus the reason i come back here to let you and others know its for real. You do heal.

 

I will NEVER forget what i went through. Its a very real and cruel process. Regardless of what the doctors say or think they know.

 

Stay on this site and get the support you need from people that understand what your going through. You will start needing this site less and less as you heal. Sort of a bitter sweet moment due to the friends that you meet.

 

I was logged on this site nonstop for a very long time. I had severe Suicidal Ideation and Intrusives thoughts after my cold turkey. I NEVER had thoughts like that before benzo withdrawl...Ever. I was afraid to be alone thinking i would hurt myself or even worse kill myself. This site preoccupied my time and made me feel safe and secure until those symptoms backed off. Lots of members dont like to talk about those feelings or fears. But they were a very real part of my withdrawl along with all the other miserable shit i was going through. If anyone is having scary intrusive thoughts please know its ALL withdrawl. As real as the intrusive thoughts seem....their FAKE. Its not the REAL you. Your brain is LIEING to you. Its misfiring while its healing.

 

You will make it though this bullshit. Stay strong and empower yourself. Stay away from any negative people that doubt you or bring you down. You have what it takes!

 

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It is hard to believe you will get better while going through this. I am trying to stay as positive as possible in the new year though.

 

I can relate to you at 9.5 months off. I am on this site constantly. I also spend time on face book support groups. I can't focus on anything else. I hope the need to have the obsession fades with time. I notice on some good days I have less desire to be on this forum.

 

My absolute worst symptoms are suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts, many of which scare me tremendously. I had them today while looking at my dogs and I just thought about how badly I dislike them and don't want them around anymore. Then I know it's withdrawal talking. I love my dogs and even the thought of getting rid of them now makes me cry yet I have no love for them all of a sudden in certain moments. I just wish the intrusive thoughts could let up a little. If they did, I could resume life relatively normally.

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Thanks KRock.    This is a life changing journey.  And I believe, with everything that's left in me, the change is gonna be for the better.  Thanks for proving it.  You just keep on proving it.
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Thanks for following up after going through hell and back probably more than once. I'm currently a month and a week free of all meds after tapering off 4 within a year, so I'm still feeling big waves and even depersonalization/derealization regularly. It's great to hear from people like you that are doing well and it gives me hope. :)
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Hey KRock glad you healed did you ever had this symptom it’s like your abdomen muscles are really hard tight like someone poured  concrete into them.. if you did did you change diet to heal it just I’m 18 months cold turkey and this symptom has got worse not better this late out my diet is really bad so I think could be from that

 

I tried all sorts of diets while in withdrawl. None of them worked for me. If anything....it just passed time. I lost so much weight from the non stop pacing i had....i did everything in my power to just keep hydrated. My stomach was a complete mess from start to finish.

 

Your doing great being 18 months CT. That's no easy feat. Keep pushing forward. You can do this. This will all pass. I eat whatever i want now....no pain....no stomach issues. You will be just like me before you know it. Stay strong!!

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boombox - I understand what you described about the dogs.  I have a cat that I have always adored but sometimes just can't connect with.    You're so right.  It's the drugs.  At least we see that, though it doesn't make it any easier sometimes, at least we know it's the drugs.  And yeah, I have sort of an obsession too with reading about, learning about Benzos and other people's stories but on good days, I don't feel the need as much.  Some days trying to maintain the positive attitude just doesn't cut it and then I just work on acceptance.  Sometimes I can pull off positive despite all this qwap with a capital Q.  KRock's post is a beacon and helps to remind me lots and lots of people have healed.  And we will too.
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Welchie, yes, it's very scary to not have good feelings toward family members, to just feel basically nothing, and once in a while, I have some strange intrusive thought about someone. Yes, my wife says try not to spend time on your computer looking at forums and support groups on Facebook, and I tell her I can't stop when I'm feeling bad. Yesterday was a decent day for me until the middle of the night last night. I didn't sleep well and when I woke up I was having these intense feelings of anger toward everyone I thought about. It scares me to no end. Then I went to my wife about it and she said you had such a good day today. I said I can't control how this changes from moment to moment. I just want to feel normal on a consistent basis again. That's the goal for everybody on this forum coming off these poisons. Working out seems to be helping me so I am going to keep doing it.
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boombox - Like KRock, your frankness about emotions, and sometimes lack of emotions, is appreciated.  Helps keep things in perspective about these benzos.  I'd really like to put it out there because it's so important for many of us I think, so I'm going to start a thread about it today.  Hope to see you on it.

 

Welchie

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I really wish i would have done some type of video diary of my withdrawl from start to finish for all to see. From coming off a high dose of Valium in a Detox Center... to my failed reinstatements... to where I'm at today. Everyone here would see how i went to the depths of hell...near death....tremendous suffering...  all the way back to living a normal happy healthy life.

 

I'm here to tell you it DOES happen.!! No bullshit....No lies! I'm not saying any of this to make you feel better because i feel sorry for you. I'm telling you this because its the TRUTH!

 

Healing is REAL...from start to finish! Hold tight... it WILL happen for YOU!

 

Everyone heals at different rates.....believe in the process......your time WILL come!!!!

 

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Hi KRock - Depths of hell...to being happy!  What a wonderful thing.  It is definitely hell and tremendous suffering.  Thanks for the reminder that we will get well. 

 

I think the worst for me was when I was so bad off and didn't understand it was the Klonopin.  Thought I was just having a prolonged reaction to the prolonged stress that precipitated the Klon.  THAT was the scary part.  Thought I was going nuts, or dying or something.  All the time through that year I was clueless about paradoxical reactions and tolerance withdrawal.  And the whole time telling myself...well, at least I have the Klon for sleep - not knowing the Klon was the cause of it all!!!

 

The healing process has been scary, discouraging, seemingly hopeless at times, but at least I know now what the frig was/is wrong.  I'm getting near the end of a probably too fast taper,  but at least I'm seeing some healing happening.  I think I'm one of those types that need  to move the taper along and not dawdle. 

 

Thanks for the post.  Really needed the encouragement this morning KRock.  Sorry I babbled a bit.  You just keep proving life comes back.

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Welchie,

 

I experienced the same thing while taking the Klonopin for 2 1/2 months. I must have gone into tolerance withdrawal within one month of taking it because I started getting more and more depressed while taking it and then I kept blaming it on work. I remember taking showers in the mornings before taking the medication where I thought I was losing my mind with anxiety. Then I took the little dose and felt fine. When I quit c/t, after a couple months, I was waking up in the middle of the night asking my wife to take me to the psych ward because of intrusive thoughts. Honestly, at work right now, I still feel like I'm in an alternate reality.

 

I genuinely hope I start feeling like myself again in the future.

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boombox - I never did get around to starting that thread.

 

Funny about alternate universe.  I just said to my husband last night - I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe!

This stuff can really do a number.  It feels like it stole my Self, my Spirit, everything that has always defined me as far as my perceptions and feelings (on top of everything else it stole)

 

When I was on the Klon I had a lot of angry thoughts too.  But chalked it up to the very real stress I was under  Like, I have a sister I wanted to strangle 30 years ago!!!!  : )  So, what else is new.  But it was a weird, different kind of anger.  Like a constant thing that owned me.  Sometimes just plain numb and sort of shell shocked.

 

I'm getting glimpses lately of the old me emotionally - easy to laugh, appreciative of the simpler things in life, hope, love, peace.  (Sounds a little like Woodstock in the 60's : ) 

 

Glad you can workout.  I'm a little envious.  Weather is not permitting a walk, among other things.  But just working around the house when I can improves the mood.

 

We're getting there boom.  Neuroplasticity of the brain can accomplish some pretty amazing things.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey KRock glad you healed did you ever had this symptom it’s like your abdomen muscles are really hard tight like someone poured  concrete into them.. if you did did you change diet to heal it just I’m 18 months cold turkey and this symptom has got worse not better this late out my diet is really bad so I think could be from that

 

I tried all sorts of diets while in withdrawl. None of them worked for me. If anything....it just passed time. I lost so much weight from the non stop pacing i had....i did everything in my power to just keep hydrated. My stomach was a complete mess from start to finish.

 

Your doing great being 18 months CT. That's no easy feat. Keep pushing forward. You can do this. This will all pass. I eat whatever i want now....no pain....no stomach issues. You will be just like me before you know it. Stay strong!!

 

 

Hey thanks for the reply but did you have this symptom we’re your abdomen muscles felt were very hard and tight

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  • 1 month later...

Keep pushing forward everyone!! As hard as it may seem.... You WILL beat this and come out stronger when this is over!

 

Once you make it through this......any other bullshit life throws at you will seem EASY! Promise!!

 

What your going through is not for the faint of hearts! Your ALL warriors in my eyes.... try not to be so hard on yourself if your not healing as fast as you would like!! Your time is coming!!

 

You can do this!! You have what it takes!!

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Keep pushing forward everyone!! As hard as it may seem.... You WILL beat this and come out stronger when this is over!

 

Once you make it through this......any other bullshit life throws at you will seem EASY! Promise!!

 

What your going through is not for the faint of hearts! Your ALL warriors!!

 

You can do this!! You have what it takes!!

 

This is a great point Rock. I say it a lot myself. Mind over matter. However there is lots of negative theory going on here that says the opposite. I get flustered reading so many posts about what cant be done rather than what can be.

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Keep pushing forward everyone!! As hard as it may seem.... You WILL beat this and come out stronger when this is over!

 

Once you make it through this......any other bullshit life throws at you will seem EASY! Promise!!

 

What your going through is not for the faint of hearts! Your ALL warriors!!

 

You can do this!! You have what it takes!!

 

This is a great point Rock. I say it a lot myself. Mind over matter. However there is lots of negative theory going on here that says the opposite. I get flustered reading so many posts about what cant be done rather than what can be.

 

Listen....drowned out any negative bullshit you read online. Their withdrawl and symptoms has NOTHING to do with you or your withdrawl. You have no idea whats going on in their life or if their taking multiple drugs or what. Everyones withdrawl is very unique and personal. No two withdrawls are the same....ever.

 

You have to reach deep inside yourself and unleash your inner will to over come this. You have what it takes....so does everyone on here. Dont let anything steer you off course. Be strong and push toward the finish line! If i can make it though my hellish withdrawl....so can you. You HAVE to believe!

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KRock - glad to see you back again!!!  Your words are always so encouraging and always ring true.  I'm 7 weeks post jump now and it just keeps getting better week to week.  I so clearly see now how important it is to keep a good attitude, even when it was hard.  Started sleeping like crazy right away and put eleven pounds back on.  The dehydration is going away...etc.  The magic is happening.  You're so right, now is not the time to read negative stuff on the internet about this.  It creates fear that creates a negative loop.

 

The odds of good recovery are in our favor!!!

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KRock - glad to see you back again!!!  Your words are always so encouraging and always ring true.  I'm 7 weeks post jump now and it just keeps getting better week to week.  I so clearly see now how important it is to keep a good attitude, even when it was hard.  Started sleeping like crazy right away and put eleven pounds back on.  The dehydration is going away...etc.  The magic is happening.  You're so right, now is not the time to read negative stuff on the internet about this.  It creates fear that creates a negative loop.

 

The odds of good recovery are in our favor!!!

 

I'm so HAPPY for you! Glad your seeing these improvements! Putting weight back on and keeping hydrated is a great sign! Your on your way! If your sleeping...your healing! Let your body do the work..  it knows how to heal itself. You just have to wait it out and let it happen. Its quite amazing when you think about it.  .how the hell can your  body and brain naturally recover from a chemical devastation? Hard to believe ...but it does. I would of NEVER believed it.... if i hadn't gone through it!!!

 

Make sure you surround yourself with positive people willing to help you while you heal. They will help drag you to the finish line. Its VERY important to steer clear and stay away from ANY negative people, including friends and family members. They will drag you down and flare up your symptoms. Your central nervous system is very fragile while healing. Protect it until it calms down and returns to normal...which it will.

 

Your going to look at life a lot different when this is over....trust me. Cant wait to read your success story!!

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Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread. Thank you so much for coming back and support the others that are having a hard time now. I would like to ask you howdid your wife support you when you were really in bad shape. She must have been lost seeing you pacing a lot for example. Did you share with her your intrusive thoughts?

 

Also, how did you deal with your fears? Were you able to continue working?

 

Thanks a lot again,

Mary

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Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread. Thank you so much for coming back and support the others that are having a hard time now. I would like to ask you howdid your wife support you when you were really in bad shape. She must have been lost seeing you pacing a lot for example. Did you share with her your intrusive thoughts?

 

Also, how did you deal with your fears? Were you able to continue working?

 

Thanks a lot again,

Mary

 

Lets see....in regards to your questions. My wife supported me because she watched the whole thing go down before her eyes. She knew i was normal before Benzos. My little sister passed away suddenly so my doc put me on Valium to help me sleep and cope with her death. Real bad idea looking back at it. Wish i would of skipped that doctors appointment that day. Anyways...she saw with her own eyes what happened when i stopped taking Valium. Ended up in the ER whacked out of my mind. Total mess!! So the story goes from there.

 

In terms of my non stop pacing (Akethesia). It was the most BRUTAL withdrawl symptom ever! Complete torture!! It went on for a long dam time. It was like my adrenal glands were stuck wide open and wouldn't turn off. Lost a TON of weight! Couldnt sleep...Couldn't eat. Super dehydrated. Looked like death....barley hanging on. Plus i had about 100 other symptoms on top of it from my cold turkey. I just kept pacing ...pacing....and pacing. I honestly wanted to die. I just wanted for it all to be over because the pain and suffering was so immense.

 

In regards to sharing my intrusive thoughts? You dam right i did. I was scared of myself. I was scared to be alone. I was scared that I wasn't going to make it day by day. I had to let people know so they could help talk me through it. I let my close Friends on here know....i owe my life to them. They helped talk me through some of my darkest hours. I mean that when i say it. I truly believe i wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for this site. The duration of my suffering and withdrawl was to long. I couldn't of done it without the support of others that have gone through it. I was to fragile and weak. To be clear...i never in my life had intrusive thoughts or thoughts about killing myself before benzos or withdrawl. Ive never had them post withdrawl either. It was 100% withdrawl induced the whole time. I owe my life to God and the people on here that helped take care of me.

 

Everyone on here needs to know withdrawl DOES end! I use to think i was the exception. That i would never heal. That i was screwed for life. It wasnt the case. Healing is real. Your body knows how to fix itself naturally. Theres nothing else you need to do. You just have to wait it out.

 

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You’re unbelievable man. Thank you for coming back and responding to our questions. Thank you for being so descriptive as it helps normalize our hell we are in.  From the bottom of my heart man, thank you.
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You’re unbelievable man. Thank you for coming back and responding to our questions. Thank you for being so descriptive as it helps normalize our hell we are in.  From the bottom of my heart man, thank you.

 

Your Welcome.... I'm sure you will do the same.

 

All though I made it through the storm. I will NEVER forgot the pain and suffering i went through during my withdrawl..... EVER!!

 

That's why occasionally pop in here to give members hope and reassurance that they might not be getting from their doctors or family members.

 

The withdrawl symptoms people experience on here are VERY real. Its sad that many professionals in the med community try to down play them or say that their not withdrawl related. I went through that bullshit.....and i proved them ALL wrong!  And so will YOU!

 

Please Stay Strong! Your nightmare is temporary.....PROMISE!

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thank you, I needed to hear this. If you can go cold turkey like that, I can do this taper. thank you a million times for not forgetting about your community and sharing your success. I look forward to being in your position one day, and being able to help others see that there is a chance at the other side of this.
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