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KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......


[KR...]

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Thanks so much for coming back and writing a SS for us. AND thank you for taking the time to respond to these questions too.

 

You mentioned intrusive thoughts, I'm almost 16 months out and they're extremely troubling for me, I have dark thoughts, weird off the wall thoughts that seem to go in hand with DRDP, existential thoughts...What kind of intrusive thoughts did you have? And how did you deal w them?

 

Again, thank you so much for coming back.

 

 

I will be very honest with you about my intrusive thoughts during my withdrawal. Most of them involved death. I had very bad suicidal ideation. I never in my life had these thoughts before withdrawal. And I didn't have them after it was over. It was 100% benzo withdrawal induced.

 

I honestly think the cold turkey shocked the hell out of my brain and it just started miss firing. The most morbid thoughts would appear. Plus ....I was having a hard time dealing with all the pain and suffering the withdrawal was inflicting on me. So I would have these very real and scary thoughts about killing myself. All the symptoms combined were just really hard to deal with.

 

While this was happening I was like WTF am I thinking. I have a kid....I can't kill myself. He will grow up without a dad. So he was a major driving force of me recovering.  I knew it was the withdrawal causing me to think like this....plus I also had a subconscious not to act on it. So I hoped. I was literally fighting with myself inside my mind. The pre benzo me was saying don’t do it...and the whacked out withdrawl me was saying end it.

 

How did I deal with these thoughts? There’s one word.....DISTRACT. When the thoughts would come I would jump up if I was laying down and go for a walk. Get on this site and start chatting with other members. I would take a bath. You name it...I would do it to get that shit out of my head. I even learned how to just say the word STOP out loud to end the thought process.

 

The intrusive thoughts will get fewer and farther between as time goes by. Just when you think there gone forever one might pop up here and there. But by that time you’ve been through hell and back. So you just brush them off and laugh. Nothing can stop you toward the end of your withdrawal. Your to dam strong and mentally powerful.

 

Once you’ve been through benzo withdrawal.....everything else in life seems easy.

 

 

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Hello KRock again,

How long did it take for you to fully heal?  Your signature states you were benzo and pheno free in January 2011. I know we are all different and recover differently. From what I gather from this forum the average healing period is 2-3 years. Your response is greatly appreciated.

 

Take care and God bless!

 

Pi

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Hello KRock again,

How long did it take for you to fully heal?  Your signature states you were benzo and pheno free in January 2011. I know we are all different and recover differently. From what I gather from this forum the average healing period is 2-3 years. Your response is greatly appreciated.

 

Take care and God bless!

 

Pi

 

Great success story!!

 

I would like to know this too!

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Hello KRock again,

How long did it take for you to fully heal?  Your signature states you were benzo and pheno free in January 2011. I know we are all different and recover differently. From what I gather from this forum the average healing period is 2-3 years. Your response is greatly appreciated.

 

Take care and God bless!

 

Pi

 

 

It’s sort of hard to say....I didn’t just wake up one day and all was gone. I had a lot of lingering symptoms that would come and go for years. Then come back again. Then go again. I learned how to cope with them and go on with my life. So I was living with a protracted withdrawal. Things were just a lot less intense.

 

Believe it or not .....I was still having symptoms well after 4 years out. That’s not meant to scare anyone....I was an extreme case in my opinion. I did everything wrong as far as coming off the drugs the way I did. I mean I still have the ringing in my ears 8 years later. So in all reality I’m not fully healed. But if that never goes away I’m good with it. I’m just thankful I can function at 99 percent....the 1 percent missing is the tinnitus.

 

To tell you the truth......I just had to “surrender to the withdrawal”. It’s how I coped after awhile. I literally just gave up fighting the symptoms and feeling sorry for myself. It was very counterproductive. I told myself if this is what God has planned for me....so be it. I wasn’t very spiritual before withdrawal. But I sure the hell was after. I prayed a lot while I was suffering. I prayed to God to please let me live through this. To please make the suffering go away. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I had to hold onto to hope that the man above would get me through this. I needed my life back so I could be a good dad for my son.

 

I never have been through anything in my life that inflicted so much pain and suffering for such a long duration. It’s just unreal looking back on it. I’m not trying to push religion on anyone here. Everyone copes in different ways. It’s just what I turned to in my darkest hours.

 

 

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KRock, what kind of kidney problems did you have?

 

Also, prayer has pulled me through more times than I can count. When family and friends have had it with me, I can at least pray.

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Dear KRock,

Your story paints a realistic picture of the length of time recovery takes. Thank you for returning to write of your success. There are threads of similarities in the success stories that bind us all together...we are not alone!

 

One piece of your recovery that struck me was your experience of acceptance. You learned to cope and move on with what symptoms arose.  I realize I've been waiting for the magic day when I am fully well. I have not felt WHOLE since this began. I am functional and live a very reduced life but the effort of actively waiting for recovery is exhausting. I understand now that I have to let that anticipation go and simply be with what is. Who knows how long this will take?

 

Your reminder that this is erratic, unpredictable and extremely difficult helped me shift my thinking. I often entertain the idea I'm not doing enough to recover...but I am. Recovery is simply that long and arduous.

 

With gratitude,

Carita :smitten:

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KRock, what kind of kidney problems did you have?

 

Also, prayer has pulled me through more times than I can count. When family and friends have had it with me, I can at least pray.

 

I was having kidney failure due to extreme dehydration early in my withdrawal. Scary moment there.  I couldn’t eat ...sleep...or drink anything. My body was shutting down. I ended up in the ER so they could pump fluids into my veins. That’s when I learned no matter what happens going forward....I HAVE to drink fluids while going through this. Your totally fucked without it. You need to try and stay as hydrated as possible while your body is healing.....your brain needs it and so does the rest of your body. Remember....Water is Life.

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Dear KRock,

Your story paints a realistic picture of the length of time recovery takes. Thank you for returning to write of your success. There are threads of similarities in the success stories that bind us all together...we are not alone!

 

One piece of your recovery that struck me was your experience of acceptance. You learned to cope and move on with what symptoms arose.  I realize I've been waiting for the magic day when I am fully well. I have not felt WHOLE since this began. I am functional and live a very reduced life but the effort of actively waiting for recovery is exhausting. I understand now that I have to let that anticipation go and simply be with what is. Who knows how long this will take?

 

Your reminder that this is erratic, unpredictable and extremely difficult helped me shift my thinking. I often entertain the idea I'm not doing enough to recover...but I am. Recovery is simply that long and arduous.

 

With gratitude,

Carita :smitten:

 

 

No need to spend wasted energy on fighting symptoms and waiting for that Magic Day to happen. You can sleep easy tonight knowing it will come. Just be easy on yourself and function at whatever capacity your able to at this mowment. Time will pass and you will heal. I promise you that.

 

If it wasn’t true I would tell you otherwise. I would say you might want to get use to the new messed up you. Because your not going to get any better. But that’s not the case with this withdrawal...your on your way to the finish line.

 

Everyone heals at different rates. The healing is out of your control. Your body knows what to do. So sit back and let it do its job. Its gonna heal wether you like it or not. It’s getting better every day....even if it doesn’t seem so. You have a great life ahead of you....you just have to accept the situation your currently in and be patient with the process. Fighting symptoms causes unwanted anxiety.

 

By the way...There were many times during my withdrawal I thought I was done healing. I would say to myself...this really sucks if I have to live this way. But time passed and I got better and those symptoms faded away.

 

Time is only the enemy if we make it.

 

 

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Hello KRock again,

How long did it take for you to fully heal?  Your signature states you were benzo and pheno free in January 2011. I know we are all different and recover differently. From what I gather from this forum the average healing period is 2-3 years. Your response is greatly appreciated.

 

Take care and God bless!

 

Pi

 

 

It’s sort of hard to say....I didn’t just wake up one day and all was gone. I had a lot of lingering symptoms that would come and go for years. Then come back again. Then go again. I learned how to cope with them and go on with my life. So I was living with a protracted withdrawal. Things were just a lot less intense.

 

Believe it or not .....I was still having symptoms well after 4 years out. That’s not meant to scare anyone....I was an extreme case in my opinion. I did everything wrong as far as coming off the drugs the way I did. I mean I still have the ringing in my ears 8 years later. So in all reality I’m not fully healed. But if that never goes away I’m good with it. I’m just thankful I can function at 99 percent....the 1 percent missing is the tinnitus.

 

To tell you the truth......I just had to “surrender to the withdrawal”. It’s how I coped after awhile. I literally just gave up fighting the symptoms and feeling sorry for myself. It was very counterproductive. I told myself if this is what God has planned for me....so be it. I wasn’t very spiritual before withdrawal. But I sure the hell was after. I prayed a lot while I was suffering. I prayed to God to please let me live through this. To please make the suffering go away. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I had to hold onto to hope that the man above would get me through this. I needed my life back so I could be a good dad for my son.

 

I never have been through anything in my life that inflicted so much pain and suffering for such a long duration. It’s just unreal looking back on it. I’m not tried ying to push religion on anyone here. Everyone copes in different ways. It’s just what I turned to in my darkest hours.

 

KRock, Thank you so much for responding to my post and answering my question regarding your healing time frame. I, too, made so many mistakes on my withdrawal of Ativan. Not knowing about tapering and reinstatement and even though I only took this dangerous drug for only 33 or 34 days, I cold turkeyed and think kindled many times. I am 19 months off now and in protracted withdrawal. I suffered severe withdrawal symptoms especially during the acute stage. Like you, I pray and pray thanking God for healing and helping me get through everyday.

 

Thank you again for sharing your success story; it gives me hope and others who are still struggling that we will also reclaim our normal life back given the right time for healing!

 

God bless!

Pi

 

 

 

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KRock, what kind of kidney problems did you have?

 

Also, prayer has pulled me through more times than I can count. When family and friends have had it with me, I can at least pray.

 

I was having kidney failure due to extreme dehydration early in my withdrawal. Scary moment there.  I couldn’t eat ...sleep...or drink anything. My body was shutting down. I ended up in the ER so they could pump fluids into my veins. That’s when I learned no matter what happens going forward....I HAVE to drink fluids while going through this. Your totally fucked without it. You need to try and stay as hydrated as possible while your body is healing.....your brain needs it and so does the rest of your body. Remember....Water is Life.

 

THANK YOU, KRock!!!

 

I, too, have kidney problems as a result of all this, and I'm also very dehydrated. One of my doctors told me to drink less water because I had low salt. I did that for quite awhile, and I realized how harmful it was. I drink lots of water now and hope that my kidneys are in better shape.

 

WOW!!! That had to be quite frightening going through that, with all the other symptoms you went through. What an absolute warrior you are!!! A true testament to healing!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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Geez, Terry, that's strange advice from the doctor! We need BOTH water and salt.

 

I agree, that doesn't make any sense at all.  For what it's worth, I put a small pinch of sea salt in my glass of water 1-2x/day. 

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I've had low sodium or chloride a lot in the last few years, and I have to make a point of adding extra salt. I'm certainly not going to limit my water intake! Sodium and chloride are essential electrolytes.
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"No need to spend wasted energy on fighting symptoms and waiting for that Magic Day to happen. You can sleep easy tonight knowing it will come. Just be easy on yourself and function at whatever capacity your able to at this mowment. Time will pass and you will heal. I promise you that."

 

Thank you KRock. This is a perfect reminder for me. After so long I think we get weary and often believe this is as good as it gets. I'm usually quite positive but struggling with the length of this process. I so appreciate your encouragement.

 

Thank you for being here everyone...once again I'm counting on the community of courage found here.

 

Love,

Carita :smitten:

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KRock,

So happy for your success story! I posted mine recently also and agree with alot of your observations. We have to at some point let go and move forward and accept we WILL heal, in our own time.

You had a very long journey and I'm so very happy you are out of the darkness. You are a very strong and resilient person, and I pray you have a great life moving forward!!! :thumbsup:

 

Love and hope to you!🎈

 

B strong

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KRock,

So happy for your success story! I posted mine recently also and agree with alot of your observations. We have to at some point let go and move forward and accept we WILL heal, in our own time.

You had a very long journey and I'm so very happy you are out of the darkness. You are a very strong and resilient person, and I pray you have a great life moving forward!!! :thumbsup:

 

Love and hope to you!🎈

 

B strong

 

Thnx so much and congrats yourself! I see you had the akathisia symptom as well. That was so dam brutal to deal with. I'm glad your past that part. I'm sure you thought the pacing would never end....but it does as you now know. Stay strong....nothing can stop you now.

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Hi KRock,

 

Thank you for writing your Success Story. I remember you from way back when this withdrawal was such hell for you. It terrified me when you reinstated, because I did the same thing after going cold turkey. Like you, I felt normal for 3 weeks.....and then slipped back into the nightmare.  I had many of the same symptoms as you.....and think that we visited the chat room for support around the same time.

It is taking me a while to heal, but I am living my life the best that I can. It gives me so much hope to read your story, because I know how horrible withdrawal was for you.  We were living it at the same time....so you are a real person to me....not just a story.

 

Wishing you happiness and good health,

Sunny girl

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Hi KRock,

 

Thank you for writing your Success Story. I remember you from way back when this withdrawal was such hell for you. It terrified me when you reinstated, because I did the same thing after going cold turkey. Like you, I felt normal for 3 weeks.....and then slipped back into the nightmare.  I had many of the same symptoms as you.....and think that we visited the chat room for support around the same time.

It is taking me a while to heal, but I am living my life the best that I can. It gives me so much hope to read your story, because I know how horrible withdrawal was for you.  We were living it at the same time....so you are a real person to me....not just a story.

 

Wishing you happiness and good health,

Sunny girl

 

Hey....I remember you well. I’m so sorry your still suffering. I wish I could take your pain away. My reinstatement was a total flop as you know. Along with all the other stupid things I did when it came to this process. I was just so desperate for the pain and suffering to go away. As were you. The withdrawal symptoms you get from a cold turkey as you know are just out of this world BAD!

 

It really saddens me to hear from people like you that are still suffering so far out. But if it gives you any hope.....just know what I tell you isn’t a lie...you will get better and heal. If it wasn’t true I would give you a heads up. You know first hand how bad I was....and it is no more. Your day is coming!

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Dude!!!  I am so happy to hear that you got back to normal (except the tinnitus that is).  What a freaky trip!!!  We were very fortunate back then in the acute days to have the chatroom here on BB.  It was a LIFE SAVER.  I don't know how people make it now without that.  I really wish it was available even though it was a major pain in the neck for the admins.  We hung there continuously.  I remember one day in the chatroom you said to me about withdrawal "Its like Friday the 13th times a million."  I completely related to you.

 

When I read your success story and your subsequent posts I had some tears welling up which I am grateful for.  Its so good to be feeling again which came back for me just this year.  I was dead inside for so long, now I celebrate tears.  Its such a blessing that you are who you are and that you came back to tell us about your recovery.  The wisdom and kindness of so many people here that have gone thru this and come out the other side always touches me deeply.  I am proud to have walked the walk with you Krock and felt so much love for you today.  Trust me, I prayed too and almost continuously, even though not religious at all.  It must have worked because I'm still here.  I asked God for strength and help and She gave it to me one second at a time.    ;)

 

Love you man.  Thanks for coming back.  :smitten:

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My sweet friend KRock,

 

I begin my reply in a different way from others, as we began our connection so many, many years ago.. We had the chat room then and connected so much through that.  Of course your username was different in those days, and further out I wondered what happen to my buddie by that username ******..  I missed you!!

 

At some point this KRock member was posting in replies now and then on sites and attacking ones who began the thread, one in particular.  That's when I had enough and had to try to smooth things and replied accordingly how I felt to this KRock.  Of course he came back strong arming me..  It really became and donnybrook...  His one final post was "you know me but under a different username"...  I thought "who was he what was that username", this isn't someone I was close with, even through this nightmare that was this extreme.. I sent a pm to KRock, pm's blocked.  Red flag remembrance...  In that dialog, heated as it was between us, he mentioned *******...another bb... I sent her a pm and she replied, as we communicated a lot over that period of time.  I was floored.  Asked her as they spoke by phone so much, she was a pillar for and with him, to give him my love.  I posted back to him on the thread... I know who you are now and shared my feeling about him from me.

 

KRock my dear friend...  A sweet little spiritual bird, the last of the ones I have been supporting told me of your success story, and how grateful I was to hear of it.  Moments after our conversation I came on BB, so I could read it and read each and every reply.  Tears flow with lots of joy reading yours, as I promised you that you would heal and get there, and you have as you share.

 

It is a journey of none other as you state so specifically and honestly.  Though as you share it is life changing, and it is.  As I have shared with the ones I have personally supported off BB, many gifts come from this plank of hell process, we are reborn to a new self with peace and new direction.  You my dear KRock... you know the truth of this journey, you walked it as feeling crippled and broken through it, though, you found the truth... The body has a magnificent power of healing, it does get us there, it just takes that time.

 

My blessings to you my dear friend.  Tears flow from my eyes with JOY to have read this beautiful Success Story, and I know you are fine now...  You earned all the "gifts" that come from it.. You have them now with a beautiful peace within yourself.. And from that, you will continue extending those gifts in the most simple and important ways.

 

Your Success Story is so much proof of that.

 

Love to you always... Pattylu : :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

 

(P.S.  One day in the spiritual arena in the next plane in life, I will smile as I will know who you are and give you the biggest hug)

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KRock....congratulations on your success and thanks so much for returning and letting know that you have your life back.....

    I have a question.....you mentioned digestive symptoms....can you tell me what kind of symptoms did you have, when did they start, and how did you deal with them.  Did you treat them in any way?

Were you diagnosed with any conditions like SIBO, Histamine Intolerance, or food intolerances, etc.?

And if you had any of those conditions, did they just heal up naturally?  I started with digestive issues, late in my recovery period....5 years out....have been trying to treat these issues, but sure would like to know that they heal as well......or is it damage that was done to my gutthat I will have To livewith forever.....I know you cannot really say, but give me your opinion and how you dealt with it.

    I am nearly healed at 8 years out now, just a few issues that still hold me back from saying...”I AM HEALED.”

Thanks again for coming back and answering our questions....

Hoping

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Dude!!!  I am so happy to hear that you got back to normal (except the tinnitus that is).  What a freaky trip!!!  We were very fortunate back then in the acute days to have the chatroom here on BB.  It was a LIFE SAVER.  I don't know how people make it now without that.  I really wish it was available even though it was a major pain in the neck for the admins.  We hung there continuously.  I remember one day in the chatroom you said to me about withdrawal "Its like Friday the 13th times a million."  I completely related to you.

 

When I read your success story and your subsequent posts I had some tears welling up which I am grateful for.  Its so good to be feeling again which came back for me just this year.  I was dead inside for so long, now I celebrate tears.  Its such a blessing that you are who you are and that you came back to tell us about your recovery.  The wisdom and kindness of so many people here that have gone thru this and come out the other side always touches me deeply.  I am proud to have walked the walk with you Krock and felt so much love for you today.  Trust me, I prayed too and almost continuously, even though not religious at all.  It must have worked because I'm still here.  I asked God for strength and help and She gave it to me one second at a time.    ;)

 

Love you man.  Thanks for coming back.  :smitten:

 

My dear friend from another country.....I’m so happy to hear from you. Boy have we been through a lot with our withdrawals. The old Chat room feature here was great. Especially when your whacked out of your mind and can’t sleep. Which was all the time for awhile. Withdrawal is such a crazy process to say the least.

 

I’m happy to hear your way better than back when we first met. Although you still have some lingering issues know they will go away. Promise. I thought I was gonna have to live with a handful of issues for awhile there. But when you were as bad as we were in the beginning...I was just telling myself if this is the end result so be it. But more time passed and things sloooowly faded away.....symptom by symptom. It dam sure wasn't fast.....but I had NO control over it so I just rolled with it. As I’m sure your doing.

 

Your a VERY Strong girl.....I’v seen you at your absolute worst a long time ago. Please be easy on yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve. You’ve come a LOOOONG way....and then some!

 

 

You have that inner warrior mentality. Your one TUFF cookie!! Nothing can stop you...ever! Kudos GF.....

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Hi Krock,

 

I am so happy to read such a story. I need it at that moment. I am french, and we don't have so many successful stories.

I am 6 years benzo free, but I am in a very bad wave again. I thought I was done. I took magnesium for 2 months, and now I am living again with fears and suicidal issue. All my fears are back. Do you think we can live withour fear again?

I know I've been taking benzos every time there was a problem issue before withdrawal. Do you think we have to force ourselves to confront this fear or just get stress free during waves ? I feel I will never be free with my fears ! or is the wave doing that ?

 

thank you again

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CONGRATULATIONS!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

What were some of the first indications that you were feeling better? Did your symptoms fade away or rapidly go near the end? What was the one symptom that stayed with you the whole time? Was it the worst symptom? Just trying to get a handle on these things!

 

You suffered for a long time. I'm SO GLAD you came back and posted your success story!!! There are many of us who need encouragement over on the protracted board. THANK YOU!!!  :smitten:

 

The first symptom that I was getting better was the fact that I was starting to be able to sit still...I was pacing my house all day long....it slowly faded away where I could start watching tv. The anxiety was just so dam bad.

A symptom that stayed with me the longest were the intrusive thoughts....my mind played many mean games on me. I knew the thoughts were part of the withdrawal.....but they scared the shit out of me while they were happening. I had to keep distracting my mind to push them aside. Being scared of yourself is a real eye opener.....that never happened before the withdrawal....and it’s never happened again when it was over.

 

Do you know how long it took from the time you began to sit still until the anxiety left? Was it very slow? I wonder if you could give me a timeline of sorts. THANKS!!!

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