Author Topic: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......  (Read 14572 times)

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #120 on: May 16, 2019, 07:05:10 am »
Thank you [...]!

Yep.  [...] rocks.   :D
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[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #121 on: May 23, 2019, 04:45:07 am »
Thank you [...]!

Yep.  [...] rocks.   :D

Thanks [...]! Much LOVE back to ya!!!!  :smitten:

Stay the course!! Youve come a LOOOOOOOOONG way from when we first met! Dont EVER forget that!

Im ALWAYS here for you if you need ANYTHING! Promise!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #122 on: May 28, 2019, 05:46:08 am »
[...], first of all thank you for coming back and congratulations on your inspiring succes and recovery, you did it. I hope you enjoy your life fully now. I know tinnitus doesn't bother you so much now, it could of been worse. Did you have DP and brain fog? I had DR in acute withdrawal for a month, then it went away(didn't have DP). First two years in withdrawal I didn't drink alcohol, then at two years out I started drinking because I was tired with the process and disappointed how much I didn't improve. It was just beer but few times I've got drunk also. After I stopped doing that I noticed i got worse and got DP which I didnt know at the time was DP, so at the beggining of this year I got hit with a bad vawe, still DP, couldn't sleep. In short I was reinstated with valium, i used it maybe over a month or so and quit, it was at 2.5 years out. Now I'm off but confused and don't know if I will recover after all that. I wrote this to you because you also reinstated but not this far out. Now still have DP, worse at night among x other sxs. Also wanted to ask you what you did while in protracted wd, what did you do to heal? Were you mostly in bed, working, exercizing, were you able to do that, I know you said you had sxs after 4 years, I am now at about 3 years or so, confused and tired of everything. I didn't expect this to happen. Currently I'm not drinking or taking anything. Also should note that I Ct.

Sorry about the delay in answering your questions. I'm also VERY sorry your still dealing with this shit. I'm sure its frustrating.

In regards to my tinnitus. It was off the charts loud as hell when i first went CT. The problem was i had so many other fucked up symptoms i didn't pay it much attention because i thought i was gonna die. Not kidding. The other symptoms were off the charts HORRIBLE!! So yes...now i notice the tinnitus at night when I'm laying in bed in silence. Its a small reminder of what happened to me and how far Ive come. Just to be clear.....its been fading in and out occasionally. It will go away for a few minutes and then pop back on. So it must be trying to reset back to normal. Who knows. As i said before...I'm cool with it. I'm SUPER thankfull my other 100 plus symptom are gone and I'm functional.

As far as the DP and DR. I had both very bad. My brain was in shock from the CT. I'm not sure if that's a way for your brain to protect itself from trauma. But it lasted a long dam time. I just had to ride it out and learn to accept it. I wasn't sure if it ever was going to go away. But it did. I was even telling myself that maybe this is the new me. I'm going to be disconnected from reality forever. But it faded away like all the other symptoms did.....slowly but surely.

In terms of you drinking. Alcohol effects the GABA receptors. Their trying to heal while in withdrawl. Not smart to put anything in your body that pisses them off or sets you back. You feel me on this? Leave that shit alone while in recovery. Treat your body with care. It knows how to fix itself if you dont alter it with ANY foreign substances. That includes drugs!! Big No No! Your body cant go back to its normal baseline when you put shit in your body that alters that line.

My insomnia was like no other post CT. I didn't know the human body could run on such little sleep. But your body will sleep when it needs sleep. Watching the sun come up and go down over and over without sleeping is maddening. What a cruel ass symptom.

In terms of my reinstatement.....that happened shortly after i got back from Detox/Rebab. The CT they inflicted on me really fucked me up. The symptoms were SUPER fucking bad. I wanted to OFF myself due to the pain and suffering. If that puts it into perspective. My reinstatement was a failure. It didn't make me feel ANY better. I got sicker and sicker. I had to taper off that shit quick. I guess my brain was to fucked up from the CT or i missed the small window that reinstatement is a success. Whatever it was....i was in BIG trouble and my nightmare was just beginning.

You ask what i did in protracted withdrawl. I stopped going to doctors all together. I got all my support from the members on this site. I was bedridden for quite sometime. Then i was housebound because i was scared to talk to anyone in person. I isolated myself inside my house forever! Talk about mental mess....that was ME! I had akethesia really bad so i paced around my house like a mad man. Totally fucked up scene. So glad that's gone. 

Slowly but surely i started to take walks around the block. Then i pushed myself to go farther and farther. Started going out in public little by little like to Walmart ect. I looked like complete death and people would stare at me like a was some stage 4 cancer patient. I had lost a TON of weight and my skin was grey. Huge black rings under my eyes. And i was walking like i was 90 years old. Very frail and weak.

Things slooooowly got better. I gained more confidence in myself. I got stronger and my physical appearance started to come back. I tried to push myself to do as MUCH normal stuff that i could. And believe me it wasn't easy. My anxiety levels were still peaking pretty hard. My fight or flight symptoms were kicking in over the stupidist shit. But the more i exposed myself to the things i was scared of...the less scary they were the second time around. And i was scared of some really stupid shit because my central nervous system was so dam hypersensitive due to my  CT.

Finally i got a part time job....that was a major hurdle in my recovery. It helped make time pass. Which is key. Recovery takes time....and you NEED to distract yourself and make time pass as much as possible. Healing DOES happen and this shit does come to a END....but you just cant sit around watching the clock and mark the days off on the calender. When and if your able to work...do it. Even if your not normal yet.

The number ONE thing i did to heal was i didn't put ANY other chemicals in my body during recovery. Plus i stayed SUPER hydrated. As i stated many times...i stopped going to doctors or got near ANYONE else that doubted my withdrawl. I surrounded myself with a supporting cast on this website. Lots of POSITIVE reinforcement is key!!! And what a better place to get it is from others that have been through it!!

Please stay AWAY from anyone that doubts you or brings you down. It just makes the situation WORSE!! Your gonna make it through this deal.... your normal life awaits you. You cant give up and doubt the process. If you were not going to heal....i would tell you your fucked. Trust me i would. But that's not the case. Hold tight. You have what it takes!!! Your WAY stronger than you think! Its just a bad chapter in your life that will come to a close. If i can make it....so can you.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 06:55:24 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #123 on: May 28, 2019, 08:16:32 am »
It's perfect! God bless you!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #124 on: May 30, 2019, 03:11:26 pm »
[...], it's okay I understand you were busy. It sure is the hardest thing in my life as you know it very well. I'm really thankful you came back to answer, I appreciate that. As for tinnitus, i know perfectly what you are saying, I have too much other fucked up symptoms and i'm more like focused on them through the day and through whole recovery, it is when i try to go to sleep I notice it, its still pretty bad, changing sometimes less intense then at full force, high pitched. It's in my left ear. Most my other physical sxs are worse on left side. I am glad you are cool with it, would sign on that any day in exchange for x other symptoms to leave. I understand acceptance after some time and just reminding yourself that its not you helps with it as it helps with other sxs. Mine is like I go out of my body or see myself as behind if that makes sense and get fucked up, weird thoughts(not my thoughts) etc..obssesions. Some days less prominent, others more, generally always there sneaking, worse at night. I wanted to ask if you had brain fog and how bad? When did you notice it started to fade and could you describe it? Mine is I think most extreme one, it may doesn't look like when I write this, but I've always been good in writing. In regards to alcohol, i feel that, i get it, no alcohol or any shit during this. I'm continuing doing right now. Insomnia is absoulety one of the worst and your body needs to sleep during recovery, it's beneficial. How do you sleep now? In terms of reinstatement, I'm verry sorry they did this to you, its traumatic and fucked up like all this shit in many ways. I didnt go to rehab/detox but I did Ct on my own in a foreign country from high dose and it was pure hell, day after day I didnt know how to walk so I needed to lelearn it again. Brutal. I know what are you talking here. I also stopped going to doctors, I get that very well. They don't know shit about this and would prescribe just pills again. You cant go back to benzos or any other shit when they fucked you up in the first place and you are healing from them. Luckily, I was able to go off them after reinst. and in overall I feel worse now, I have less stable days but I'm holding on hope that it will pass.You gave me hope and belief again, thanks. Everything you said it's true and im still going through it. Fight flight is hardest to deal with when there is no rationalization with it along with bad anxiety/dp, for example, I'm walking outside and some noise happens and my poor brain can't recognize it and in second i'm like paralyzed. Phone noise also does that to me or when someone texts. I try to go for a walk when I can, mostly at night. I have light hypersensitivity issues pretty bad with all other weird stuff. How did you handle socializing with people, person in person, could you go out sometimes, were you making excuses etc.. I get that pushing yourself little by little, slowly is along with distraction key to make time pass and stay sane. Thanks for the advices and tips about job, hydration, distraction, positive cast. I'm keen on doing it and I intend to make it that way. Thank you very much for encouragement and for giving me some confidence and hope back. I needes this. Wish you all the best.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2019, 04:41:38 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #125 on: June 17, 2019, 04:46:53 pm »
This is such an incredibly written success story!!!   
Wow, [...] - you endured so much and here you are, brighter than ever - Congratulations man!

Your confidence and straightforwardness are so appreciated. I'm glad you wrote about your dark thoughts, the craziness, all of it. I've experienced it all too.  It's beyond the human imagination.

How old was your son in all this? How did it affect him? What did/do you say to him about it?  How long were you sick for altogether?  You are right...with all the fear and dark SI, I have to say that the fear of my young girls w/o a mother was stronger than all my other fears....and that kept me alive.  It is a trauma to our young children as well for sure.  But I'm [...] I can teach them what I've learned and they can keep all the lessons w/o having to go thru such hell to learn it themselves!

Thank you for all your words of wisdom, support, and confidence.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #126 on: June 20, 2019, 06:58:07 am »
This is such an incredibly written success story!!!   
Wow, [...] - you endured so much and here you are, brighter than ever - Congratulations man!

Your confidence and straightforwardness are so appreciated. I'm glad you wrote about your dark thoughts, the craziness, all of it. I've experienced it all too.  It's beyond the human imagination.

How old was your son in all this? How did it affect him? What did/do you say to him about it?  How long were you sick for altogether?  You are right...with all the fear and dark SI, I have to say that the fear of my young girls w/o a mother was stronger than all my other fears....and that kept me alive.  It is a trauma to our young children as well for sure.  But I'm [...] I can teach them what I've learned and they can keep all the lessons w/o having to go thru such hell to learn it themselves!

Thank you for all your words of wisdom, support, and confidence.
Thanks for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I try to be as honest as i can with the symptoms i had and how i delt with them. No sense in sugar coating any of this. Lets face it....this is some really fucked up shit!!

In regards to your questions...my son was like 7 years old when i went CT. It was a totally fucked up thing for him to witness and experience. I cried when i saw him so scared for me. He didnt want his daddy to die....and i wanted so badly to live through it for him. He was a MAJOR driving force in my recovery. Hands down!!

When i thought about killling myself due to the extreme suffering and symptoms...i thought about how sad my son would be living without his father. And how selfish it was of me to do that to him and not fight through it. I was scared to be alone during my darkest hours. I really thought if i was..it could be my last. I was completely terrified of my thoughts due to the duration and suffering. Suicidal Ideation is a very serious symptom during Benzo withdrawl...it happens more than people know of. Because most are afraid to talk about it due to push back or people freaking out. Everyone needs to know that the scary thoughts do taper off and go away. Their not permanent. Its just a really cruel symptom that some people deal with while going through this VERY cruel process.

In regards to what i told my son while i was healing. I just kept reassuring him that daddy was going to be ok....and NOTHING bad was going to happen to me. Even though my mind was in a dark place. I kept reassuring him over and over. It took me a long dam time to heal. But he witnessed it all. From start to finish. And as i got better... he wasn't so fearfull. To this day he has a fear of pills after seeing what they did to me. Not sure if that will ever go away for him. Only time will tell.

What i can tell you now.. is that he rarely ever brings it up. He enjoys his dad being back to normal
..taking him to baseball games...school functions...laughing and smiling with him. He knows the nightmare has pasted...and he sleeps at peace at night knowing I'm gonna be here when he wakes up in the morning.

Life...family...kids...and yourself is worth fighting for!! Dont ever forget that! Withdrawl is Temporary....it may take longer than most of us like. But it does end.

Please keep pushing forward....your happy life with your kids awaits you. You have so many happy days ahead with them. Promise!

Please hold onto my story and know if i can make it...so can you!! Everyone here has what it takes. Support is key! Thus the reason i come back here to help!





« Last Edit: June 20, 2019, 07:13:25 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #127 on: June 20, 2019, 04:09:47 pm »
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING BACK WITH YOUR SUCCESS STORY....IT BROUGHT TEARS TO ME.....My worst symptom is still insomnia....I have tinnitus but I can handle the tinnitus.....but no sleep is horrible hell..!!!!    Thank you for promising IT will get better....did you take anything to help you sleep?   I have read not to take any supplements...do you agree?   How long before your sleep got better?      Will sleep get better?      I never get sleepy anymore and I feel wired most of the time.

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #128 on: June 20, 2019, 06:15:07 pm »
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING BACK WITH YOUR SUCCESS STORY....IT BROUGHT TEARS TO ME.....My worst symptom is still insomnia....I have tinnitus but I can handle the tinnitus.....but no sleep is horrible hell..!!!!    Thank you for promising IT will get better....did you take anything to help you sleep?   I have read not to take any supplements...do you agree?   How long before your sleep got better?      Will sleep get better?      I never get sleepy anymore and I feel wired most of the time.

Your welcome! As far as the insomnia....i was out of my mind fucking crazy from it. No joke! Not sleeping makes all your other symptoms WAY worse!! No doubt about it!

I tried all sorts of shit to try to sleep after my CT. Plus they tried some meds on me in the Detox Center for sleep. Nothing worked! Not even a little bit! It was like i was eating M & M's. Total joke!

I also tried Sleepy Teas...over the counter sleeping pills...different supplements...changed my diet. You name it ...I tried it!! All the shit was a MAJOR flop! So dam discouraging!

Finally i was like Fuck this shit! I'm done putting shit into my body. My adrenal glands are obviously stuck wide open and SUPER pissed off!! I'm going all natural. Period! Slowly but surely i started to sleep here and there. Like little power naps. Nothing to jump up and down about..but it helped!

I also took a TON of hot baths. Lived in the dam bath tub. It helped me relax and ease some of my physical symptoms.

I will tell you.. now i can sleep 9 hours straight with NO waking up. My sleep is back to normal...and yours will be to. It takes awhile for it to reset. But it does happen!! Thank God!

That's why i use to spend so much dam time online or on this site. I couldn't sleep for shit! So i just chatted with my friends on here all dam day and night. It made time pass...which is key.

As time goes on...your body and sleep pattern will reset to its normal baseline. Hold tight knowing that. Your day is coming!

Also my tinnitus is way better than it was when i first went CT. Yours will improve to.

Keep distracting and making the days go by.   Long nights of sleep are in your Future!!!
« Last Edit: June 20, 2019, 06:28:41 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #129 on: June 21, 2019, 11:51:06 am »
[...],

Thank you so much for coming back to this thread and offering us such hope.  I'm about three years off after a hellish 16-month taper, and back in a wave, feeling defeated, and reading your posts was just what I needed to get through this hell day of suffering.  THANK YOU.  You've inspired me to do the same when I'm done with this crap. I'm far enough along in recovery to know that what you write is true ...our bodies know exactly what they're doing while healing - we just need to hang on, avoid interfering with the process. 

Much gratitude,
[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.