Author Topic: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......  (Read 14526 times)

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #110 on: May 08, 2019, 03:15:07 am »
Thanks for posting. I think what I love most about your posts is your so full of life and personality. It makes me want to hang out around you and yr just in the digital world. That is the thing I miss most is myself, my brain and my joy for life. I'm dealing with really bad suicidal ideation the past several days. I'm only barely 4 months of benzos rapid taper. Its scary because its not just suicidal thoughts but this feeling that I'm looking back on my life and all my mistakes and feeling like things will only get worse so its very logical to me to take control and end my life. Those are my thoughts and I know its benzo induced and I'm not gonna act on it but its non stop. Thank you for talking about this and giving hope that this is a common thing in w/d and it will eventually go away.

Im sorry your dealing with those scary thoughts. Please know that as real as they seem....their not the real you. Its the withdrawl lieing to you. Its your brain misfireing from the withdrawl.

The reason i talked about my suicidal ideation is because I was scared out of my mind! I never had those thoughts before withdrawl....and ive never had them after. Talking about your symptoms and feelings is a very important part of healing. Dont ever be ashamed about any of your symptoms. Especially ones involving death. It always flips some people out when you bring it up....but there are lots of other people that have experienced the same thoughts. They can ease you fear by telling you its gonna be ok....that this to shall pass. The thoughts are temporary. I promise.

Once your brain calms down from your rapid taper...the suicidal ideation will chill. It might pop back up. Then go away again. Then come back for a minute....and then go away. It will be less and less frequent. It was pissing me off after awhile. Just when i thought it was gone....that shit would creep back up on me for a minute. It just fades away like all the other symptoms.

Dont ever think your life is not worth living. When your withdrawl is over....you have a lot to offer the world. People love you. And most importantly ....you need to love yourself. Because your worth loving and life is worth living. Your current misery is temporary!  Dont ever forget that!!  Your very special...and you will see life through a new lens when this is over.

Remember this line when it comes to withdrawl. I use to tell myself  this  during my darkest hours... ....Death is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem. Your withdrawl is TEMPORARY! It goes AWAY!! Remind yourself of that often. 
« Last Edit: May 08, 2019, 03:31:54 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #111 on: May 08, 2019, 06:24:45 pm »
[...], over the past couple months, my SI has gotten to be less. Instead now I feel an intense anger toward my loved ones. It's very distressing with anger and intrusive thoughts. Did you ever experience that at all? If so, did it come on later in withdrawal like mine has?
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #112 on: May 09, 2019, 12:24:17 am »
[...], over the past couple months, my SI has gotten to be less. Instead now I feel an intense anger toward my loved ones. It's very distressing with anger and intrusive thoughts. Did you ever experience that at all? If so, did it come on later in withdrawal like mine has?

That's a problem dude. Forget benzo stuff, you have to talk yourself out of that shit. Bad stuff. No excuse.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #113 on: May 09, 2019, 04:54:49 am »
[...], over the past couple months, my SI has gotten to be less. Instead now I feel an intense anger toward my loved ones. It's very distressing with anger and intrusive thoughts. Did you ever experience that at all? If so, did it come on later in withdrawal like mine has?

In regards to your question... if i ever felt anger toward loved ones during withdrawl? The answer is yes. Very much so. The root of my anger was the fact that i wasn't healing as fast as i thought i would. It was VERY frustrating!! My family and friends started questioning if i was still in withdrawl.... or is something else wrong with me due to the duration. I got VERY defensive that they doubted what i was going through. Pissed me off BIG time. I was jealous they were healthy living a productive life while i was miserable and suffering.

Long story short...i pushed them ALL out of my life while i was healing. I still dont talk to many of them to this day. Was it selfish of me? Maybe. But I HAD to be selfish while i was healing. I was trying to survive this nightmare. I didn't need ANY negative energy or doubters around me. It just made things worse. I pretty much became a hermit except for my friends on this site. I was happy when i was talking to people on here that understood my symptoms. I'm not saying i recomend this...but it worked for me.

Looking back at my withdrawl....it was a complete cleanzing process of my life. It took dam near everything i had to survive it. It brought me to my knees and i constantly begged God to let me live through it. Not kidding when i say that. I begged God for help...and i begged often!! I just wanted to get better.

So while i was healing....I made a list of all the people and things that caused me anxiety or brought me down prior to my withdrawl. I promised myself if i made it through this i would make a fresh start in life. So that's what i did. All the negative people and bullshit that was in my life prior to withdrawl are now Gone! I feel so much better not dealing with them or those things anymore. They were draining the life and energy out of me. It was the BEST thing that came out of this deal. I'm happier and healthier than ever. It took this happening to me to realize what did and didn't make me happy in life.

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #114 on: May 11, 2019, 12:49:23 am »
I'd love to write more but as of this moment, with tears of happiness and hope streaming down my face, all I can say is..

CONGRATULATIONS and THANK YOU!   :thumbsup: :smitten:

Fondly,
[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #115 on: May 15, 2019, 12:28:39 pm »
sunlit...if it's any help, I went through the exact same thing, big time.  It's like benzos knew all my deep dark sorrows and regrets and fears...and everything else painful and dark...and kept serving them up to me 24/7.  It was the worst of all symptoms because I seemed to have no place to rest within myself...dealing with my brain was like living behind enemy lines, constantly.  I came to understand it was 'normal' recovery.  But actually, it started happening about a month into taking the Klon and I didn't understand what was going on.  So I was in that place for over a year.  It felt like an epic spiritual battle. 

I'm in month four too, from a rapid taper.  All that stuff is finally starting to fade away, about 70% better.  But there was a time it was totally inconceivable to me that Humpty Dumpty would ever be able to be put back together again.  But it's happening.

[...]...as always...love your straightforward, honest, caring, no-nonsense attitude.  I want to thank you again for being such an incredible beacon of hope for me.  And many others.  I lost count of how many times I have read and reread this thread and how much hope it gave me during those endless dark days.  You continue to be my biggest inspiration.

Thanks for being you!   :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #116 on: May 15, 2019, 08:01:27 pm »
[...], first of all thank you for coming back and congratulations on your inspiring succes and recovery, you did it. I hope you enjoy your life fully now. I know tinnitus doesn't bother you so much now, it could of been worse. Did you have DP and brain fog? I had DR in acute withdrawal for a month, then it went away(didn't have DP). First two years in withdrawal I didn't drink alcohol, then at two years out I started drinking because I was tired with the process and disappointed how much I didn't improve. It was just beer but few times I've got drunk also. After I stopped doing that I noticed i got worse and got DP which I didnt know at the time was DP, so at the beggining of this year I got hit with a bad vawe, still DP, couldn't sleep. In short I was reinstated with valium, i used it maybe over a month or so and quit, it was at 2.5 years out. Now I'm off but confused and don't know if I will recover after all that. I wrote this to you because you also reinstated but not this far out. Now still have DP, worse at night among x other sxs. Also wanted to ask you what you did while in protracted wd, what did you do to heal? Were you mostly in bed, working, exercizing, were you able to do that, I know you said you had sxs after 4 years, I am now at about 3 years or so, confused and tired of everything. I didn't expect this to happen. Currently I'm not drinking or taking anything. Also should note that I Ct.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #117 on: May 16, 2019, 06:46:29 am »
sunlit...if it's any help, I went through the exact same thing, big time.  It's like benzos knew all my deep dark sorrows and regrets and fears...and everything else painful and dark...and kept serving them up to me 24/7.  It was the worst of all symptoms because I seemed to have no place to rest within myself...dealing with my brain was like living behind enemy lines, constantly.  I came to understand it was 'normal' recovery.  But actually, it started happening about a month into taking the Klon and I didn't understand what was going on.  So I was in that place for over a year.  It felt like an epic spiritual battle. 

I'm in month four too, from a rapid taper.  All that stuff is finally starting to fade away, about 70% better.  But there was a time it was totally inconceivable to me that Humpty Dumpty would ever be able to be put back together again.  But it's happening.

[...]...as always...love your straightforward, honest, caring, no-nonsense attitude.  I want to thank you again for being such an incredible beacon of hope for me.  And many others.  I lost count of how many times I have read and reread this thread and how much hope it gave me during those endless dark days.  You continue to be my biggest inspiration.

Thanks for being you!   :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

Your so sweet! :smitten:

Your tag line under your screen name has me ROLLIN!! :laugh: " Gone Crazy...Be Back Soon".  I never noticed that before!! Bahahaaha!! Totally fitting for the occasion!

But isn't that line you use the truth?  I was out of my fuckin mind for a long time!!!  I should of been using your line on everyone that was normal that looked at me crazy.....they would of really thought i lost it!! LOL...so funny looking back on how normal people looked at me during my withdrawl. I was a COMPLETE basket case! They wrote me off as damaged goods. Mental illness. Nervous breakdown. Stroke victim. Brain damage. You name it....they thought i had it.

Docs said theres a GOOD chance that my NEW normal wasn't going to be CLOSE to normal at all EVER again!! WTF!! That's just what i wanted to hear from a doctor....such encouraging WORDS!! Lucky for me those Docs didn't know shit about benzo withdrawl or recovery. They just assumed due to the duration that i was fucked. Well....that wasn't the case. I healed....and proved them ALL wrong! And so will YOU!!

By the way....please know I'm not just saying any of this to make you feel better because i feel bad for you. I dont roll like that. If you were screwed...i would tell you straight up. Promise! I would say your in big trouble...get used to living in misery forever. But all that would be a lie. Because it ALL fades away over time....your normal life is coming!!

When it comes to this shit....I speak the truth. You WILL heal PERIOD! Dont ever forget that or let ANYONE tell you different!

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #118 on: May 16, 2019, 07:00:34 am »
Thank you [...]!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: KROCK....The Sucess Story I never wrote......
« Reply #119 on: May 16, 2019, 07:04:26 am »
Thank You❤
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.