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Merry Christmas and God Bless all my buddies!

I hope you find some hope and healing during this season. ❤

Prayers to you all!!!!

 

B strong

 

Hope you had a great Christmas, B strong!

 

Glad you get to enjoy it after what you went through, you deserve it :)

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B strong - thank you for the xmas wishes to us all.  I'm new to the website and your story is inspiring and your continuing well wishes for us all feel comforting.  You gave me lots of hope

 

Tough morning (holiday) but made it thru.  If you made it thru your whole ordeal, so can I, and hopefully all of us.  One wave, one window at a time.

Welchie,

Hi, read some of your background. Congratulations on getting here and trying to move forward. Remember it's a marathon not a sprint, take your time but do keep moving. I glad you seem like you have a good mindset and are positive you can do it, and you most certainly can! Good luck to you for continued success and prayers for hope!!!

 

B strong

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B strong  Thank you so much for your encouraging personal reply.  You have such good a good heart.  I'm embarrassed to admit - but know everyone understands - that I don't have the brain power to get into my own account messages.  All I see is the welcome from the wonderful moderator baddove.  She and I replied back and forth a couple of times but they don't show up when I try to get back to it : )  Oh well.  Maybe some kind soul can walk me through.  I'm an old girl and was generally road kill on the information highway before the Benzos.

 

Anyway, I reread your story and probably will again.  Your horrifying low points, honesty, sense of humor and current space of peace, joy and serenity are genuinely touching.

 

I got into this mess because I was caring for a failing 93 year old father for a year and a half.  Very stressful on many levels.  But I am usually a tough nut to crack.  And if my dad is 93, then y'all know I ain't no spring chicken.  But crack I did, mostly cuz of the insomnia from worry.  And then came the script for Benzos. 

 

You're so right.  It's not a sprint.  I hang tight to the moments here and there of relative improvement - like being able to take a shower and eat. The real basics.  Funny how grateful you become for the simple things.  I spend many times during the day doing a mental gratitude list.  When I get my mind headed in a good direction, and take the gratitude thing to an absurd level, every little thing I can think of, it's amazing how much there is left to be grateful for.  Fake it til you make it.

 

Mornings are tough, which is why I logged in.  It feels good to just type a note to another human being who understands.  The isolation and agoraphobia are tough and can make it all seem much darker.  Again, thanks B strong and all who are 'listening'.  May we all walk through another day toward health with a little hope.

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  • 1 month later...

I hope all my buddies are seeing some progress and not losing hope. Looking back on the HELL I really never thought life was possible again. It seemed life wasn't worth living, but afterwards you will be so thankful you never gave up. You will smile again, have joy, see colors, have clear thoughts, and even have moments of euphoria. To be able to sit and R-E-L-A-X is something we take for granted....but it is so nice to look at the horizon with promise.

My hope is we all are able to get back to normal, whatever that is!

 

I'm coming up on 2 years off and SO thankful!

Prayers to you all....

 

B strong

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Thanks for always coming back and offering words of encouragement. I just feel like my brain is mush. I can't sit and watch anything and relax. I'm always on edge and have to be moving at almost all times or it feels like I'm losing it. Sometimes this lets up before bed, but it always comes back the next day. Any little stressful or negative thought makes me feel like I can't take living anymore. It's been 10 months of this.

 

I would love to have joy and clear thoughts again.

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I hope all my buddies are seeing some progress and not losing hope. Looking back on the HELL I really never thought life was possible again. It seemed life wasn't worth living, but afterwards you will be so thankful you never gave up. You will smile again, have joy, see colors, have clear thoughts, and even have moments of euphoria. To be able to sit and R-E-L-A-X is something we take for granted....but it is so nice to look at the horizon with promise.

My hope is we all are able to get back to normal, whatever that is!

 

I'm coming up on 2 years off and SO thankful!

Prayers to you all....

 

B strong

 

Thank you B strong, needed to hear that today.  Love, Mary.  ☮️💜🙏

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Thanks for always coming back and offering words of encouragement. I just feel like my brain is mush. I can't sit and watch anything and relax. I'm always on edge and have to be moving at almost all times or it feels like I'm losing it. Sometimes this lets up before bed, but it always comes back the next day. Any little stressful or negative thought makes me feel like I can't take living anymore. It's been 10 months of this.

 

I would love to have joy and clear thoughts again.

Completely understand the PM small windows. When I started having any relief it was late at night and very gradual. When it happened I hated for the day to end, because I knew once I laid down (even though I didn't sleep), 3am would hit and the cortisol rushes would start and I was back in hell. But at least with a small sliver of hope in the evening it was what I needed to know it was possible that I could make it. It took what seemed like eternity but one small moment of hope is all you need to believe it is indeed possible.

Hang on!

 

B strong

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Hi B Strong!!  I'm so glad to see your post again!  I want to thank you so much for your kind words of welcome and encouragement to me when I first joined the forum in November.  It meant so much.  And reading your success story back then was hugely encouraging.  I have since jumped and have been Klon free for about a week (8 days, 7 hours and 16 minutes, but who's counting?) and I've been seeing good progress every step of the way.  Thanks for being one of those who blazed the trail for the rest of us...and your big heart.

 

So glad you are well, my friend.

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Hi B Strong!!  I'm so glad to see your post again!  I want to thank you so much for your kind words of welcome and encouragement to me when I first joined the forum in November.  It meant so much.  And reading your success story back then was hugely encouraging.  I have since jumped and have been Klon free for about a week (8 days, 7 hours and 16 minutes, but who's counting?) and I've been seeing good progress every step of the way.  Thanks for being one of those who blazed the trail for the rest of us...and your big heart.

 

So glad you are well, my friend.

Welchie,

So Awesome my friend!!!! 8+ days away and never going back. You are inspiring to many others trying to find their way! You got this.....please keep me posted! :thumbsup:

 

B strong

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Thanks Mary!  Old Welchie is hanging tough...like the rest of us.  But it feels so very very good to have zero benzo going on.  Noticed I'm not any crazier than usual, at least  :)  So far so good.  We're all getting there and B strong and you are showing us newbies the way!!
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Thanks Mary!  Old Welchie is hanging tough...like the rest of us.  But it feels so very very good to have zero benzo going on.  Noticed I'm not any crazier than usual, at least  :)  So far so good.  We're all getting there and B strong and you are showing us newbies the way!!

 

:smitten: :smitten:

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Hi buddies,

2 years today since my last crumb of K. Nothing but Tylenol since, and only occasionally. Still have some migraines, partly because I have herniated discs in my neck that will probably need fusion surgery. Staying away from doctors as long as possible:) Sleep is better, maybe 6 hours a night of broken sleep. Wake 3-6 times a night and have to go pee, prostate problems are a pain....but so is getting old. Although this might really be frustrating for the average person, from where I've been, it's just an inconvenience. I was sleeping ZERO for days a couple years ago, so everything is perspective. I'm living life, going to movies, the beach, out to dinner, coaching my grandson's baseball team...all without a thought. No more anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts. I can laugh, watch tv, listen to music; things that seemed impossible just 2 years ago. It took almost 18 months to feel "normal", but each day is now a blessing, instead of misery.

I was suicidal for months, prayed for God to take me every day....I'm so glad he didn't.

During the depths of it I didn't think I could make another day...It was unbearable especially when the akathasia looked like it would last forever. I told everyone I believed it was the drugs....but NO ONE believed me.

Even my wife who stood by me was skeptical, people thought I had mental problems. Doctors thought I was "crazy". One neurologist refused to see me anymore at my worst, and even "blacklisted" me from seeing any other Neurologists associated with his hospital. This was when I was at my darkest and had no where to turn...it was months before I could get in to a psychiatric doctor. I had already been to 2 psych hospitals previously and they just added more drugs.

Fast forward.....

 

Life is now beautiful again....I can see colors, think, relax. I'm so excited to live again. I'm 61 and looking forward! :smitten:

God bless you all.💙 prayers for each of you!

 

B strong

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Hi B strong

 

Congratulations on your healing and recovery!

 

I was a short term user that did a cold turkey and paid the price for about 13 months.

 

My recovery journey was like yours...lots of symptoms, very little sleep and doctors telling me withdrawal lasts 2-4 weeks max!

 

I am 55 and looking forward to retiring in 4 years (God willing).

 

I too enjoy everything now and take nothing for granted.  It is like I have a new lease on life.

 

So happy for you.  Wishing you a long, happy and healthy retirement!

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No more anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts. I can laugh, watch tv, listen to music; things that seemed impossible just 2 years ago. It took almost 18 months to feel "normal", but each day is now a blessing, instead of misery.

I was suicidal for months, prayed for God to take me every day....I'm so glad he didn't.

During the depths of it I didn't think I could make another day...It was unbearable especially when the akathasia looked like it would last forever. I told everyone I believed it was the drugs....but NO ONE believed me.

 

Again, thanks for always coming back. So glad you are doing so much better. What sort of intrusive thoughts did you have? Today, I was doing dishes and the crazy notion that this is all because of my wife came over me, and I started thinking "why am I doing dishes for her? Why do I care so much? It's the marriage that has done this to me." Now, I'm afraid for my wife to come home because I have all this internal anger toward her for no reason.

 

It seems all my intrusive thoughts are linked to any amount of stress including thoughts toward my wife and daughter. Then those thoughts push me to very dark places with the suicidal ideation and me thinking I will never feel normal again. I'm 10.5 months off and I quit c/t. I'm just hoping these thoughts pass soon and I can start feeling some joy again.

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Hi buddies,

2 years today since my last crumb of K. Nothing but Tylenol since, and only occasionally. Still have some migraines, partly because I have herniated discs in my neck that will probably need fusion surgery. Staying away from doctors as long as possible:) Sleep is better, maybe 6 hours a night of broken sleep. Wake 3-6 times a night and have to go pee, prostate problems are a pain....but so is getting old. Although this might really be frustrating for the average person, from where I've been, it's just an inconvenience. I was sleeping ZERO for days a couple years ago, so everything is perspective. I'm living life, going to movies, the beach, out to dinner, coaching my grandson's baseball team...all without a thought. No more anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts. I can laugh, watch tv, listen to music; things that seemed impossible just 2 years ago. It took almost 18 months to feel "normal", but each day is now a blessing, instead of misery.

I was suicidal for months, prayed for God to take me every day....I'm so glad he didn't.

During the depths of it I didn't think I could make another day...It was unbearable especially when the akathasia looked like it would last forever. I told everyone I believed it was the drugs....but NO ONE believed me.

Even my wife who stood by me was skeptical, people thought I had mental problems. Doctors thought I was "crazy". One neurologist refused to see me anymore at my worst, and even "blacklisted" me from seeing any other Neurologists associated with his hospital. This was when I was at my darkest and had no where to turn...it was months before I could get in to a psychiatric doctor. I had already been to 2 psych hospitals previously and they just added more drugs.

Fast forward.....

 

Life is now beautiful again....I can see colors, think, relax. I'm so excited to live again. I'm 61 and looking forward! :smitten:

God bless you all.💙 prayers for each of you!

 

B strong

 

I love your posts B strong, so uplifting and hopeful, thank you so much for sharing your taper and recovery with us.  Mary ☮️💜🙏

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Mary,

Always appreciate your response! Thanks for being here ! :smitten:

Tw2,

Thank you for your encouragement! As someone who's been there you get it too. So true, doctors told me it wasn't possible it was the drugs because they were out of your system in 2 weeks....yea right! Bless you going towards retirement!

BBB,

My intrusive thoughts were everything horrible...especially my mind trying to get me to kill myself.  I actually tried more than once. I'm glad I wasn't successful. I had a beautiful wife and kids and 3 beautiful grandchildren with another on the way but the evil in my mind was winning. I hated people and things, I was extremely jealous of anyone that was happy....and this was nothing like the real me. Every negative emotion was multiplied 10x.

As I said my mind wasn't mine....it's impossible to describe if you haven't been there. It wasn't until after months of this that I had a small moment of hope at night, the possibility that I could make it was the glimmer of hope I needed to wade through the hell I was in. Don't give up! Survive one more moment, one more hour, one more day....they will add up!

Good luck my friend!

❤❤❤

 

B strong

 

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Yes, it feels like my mind isn't mine, and I get scared of it all the time. How I think about others is just scary right now. It gets a little better at night and then the fatigue kicks in. Did you struggle with fatigue when your sleep got better? My sleep just got better and my fatigue has really picked up.
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Mary,

Always appreciate your response! Thanks for being here ! :smitten:

Tw2,

Thank you for your encouragement! As someone who's been there you get it too. So true, doctors told me it wasn't possible it was the drugs because they were out of your system in 2 weeks....yea right! Bless you going towards retirement!

BBB,

My intrusive thoughts were everything horrible...especially my mind trying to get me to kill myself.  I actually tried more than once. I'm glad I wasn't successful. I had a beautiful wife and kids and 3 beautiful grandchildren with another on the way but the evil in my mind was winning. I hated people and things, I was extremely jealous of anyone that was happy....and this was nothing like the real me. Every negative emotion was multiplied 10x.

As I said my mind wasn't mine....it's impossible to describe if you haven't been there. It wasn't until after months of this that I had a small moment of hope at night, the possibility that I could make it was the glimmer of hope I needed to wade through the hell I was in. Don't give up! Survive one more moment, one more hour, one more day....they will add up!

Good luck my friend!

❤❤❤

 

B strong

 

B Strong,

 

I love your posts and I love that you continue to come back. Your story is very inspiring.

 

Thanks and I hope life keeps getting better for you. You've earned it and then some :)

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Mary,

Always appreciate your response! Thanks for being here ! :smitten:

Tw2,

Thank you for your encouragement! As someone who's been there you get it too. So true, doctors told me it wasn't possible it was the drugs because they were out of your system in 2 weeks....yea right! Bless you going towards retirement!

BBB,

My intrusive thoughts were everything horrible...especially my mind trying to get me to kill myself.  I actually tried more than once. I'm glad I wasn't successful. I had a beautiful wife and kids and 3 beautiful grandchildren with another on the way but the evil in my mind was winning. I hated people and things, I was extremely jealous of anyone that was happy....and this was nothing like the real me. Every negative emotion was multiplied 10x.

As I said my mind wasn't mine....it's impossible to describe if you haven't been there. It wasn't until after months of this that I had a small moment of hope at night, the possibility that I could make it was the glimmer of hope I needed to wade through the hell I was in. Don't give up! Survive one more moment, one more hour, one more day....they will add up!

Good luck my friend!

❤❤❤

 

B strong

 

Thank you B strong, you keep us moving forward that hour or that day.  And that is all time we need to succeed.

Mary ☮️💜🙏☮️💜

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey buddies,

Be your own advocate! Don't do anything YOU don't want to do. Unfortunately many doctors have zero compassion and refuse to listen to anything that goes against their preconceived beliefs. I'm sure there are good doctors out there....I just didn't meet them. I had to get off drugs with absolutely no help from doctors.  BUT, I DID IT!!!! And so can you!

 

Love to you my friends ❤

 

B strong

 

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  • 1 month later...

Beautiful day here....

I hope the sun is shining on many of you today. It certainly is difficult to be optimistic when we are in the throws of benzo recovery...but me must have hope we can overcome the effects of the poison we were on. I used to be angry and jealous at times reading others good fortune, but then it started to turn to be IT IS POSSIBLE!

It does take time, it doesn't seem fair but we must survive. I never thought I would have peace again. I used to ask God to take me, I felt like I was not being heard....but I'm so fortunate to be alive today. There is a saying that the teacher is always quiet during the test.Some of the best moments of my life have come since my recovery, I can see the colors in the sky again, I have clarity, something that I thought I'd lost forever.

I pray all that are struggling can find some hope in my journey as I did reading others success stories.❤

 

B strong

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Thanks for always coming back and being very honest about your experience. Did you deal with feelings of anger directed at people for absolutely no reason? I have been having this lately and it's very alarming for me.
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Thank you B Strong. It is good to hear messages of recovery. Some days I share your positive outlook but when a wave hits I have trouble finding any optimism. Your posts remind me to keep an open heart and trust in this process. Thank you!

 

With gratitude,

Carita :smitten:

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