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Benzo-Related Envy Support Group


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I am feeling very distraught today.  In the past, I sometimes compared myself and my life to that of others, but it was a passing thing, an occasional thing.  During withdrawal, and now recovery, though, I have constantly been in the grip of something completely new and different, something powerful and perverse, a voice that says I can't be happy unless I am almost anyone other than myself.  I went to see the movie about Ruth Bader Ginsburg and waves of anxiety and nausea swept over my body the entire time.  Why hadn't I gone to law school?  Why hadn't I made a movie about RBG?  I listen to the family of painters on our roof talking cheerfully to one another all day long.  Why wasn't I born into a warm Hispanic or Italian family?  I envy everyone---young people, composers, characters in books and movies, scientists, musicians, fire fighters, nuns, my own children! And telling myself that I am so much more fortunate than so many others doesn't help; logic doesn't work to get me out of this deep, dark place. The fact that I am fortunate in my life just makes me feel worse about myself for the envy.  Meditation, walking, writing, praying, distraction---I am doing one or another non-stop---none of it really works, especially in the middle of the night.  I would love to hear from others who are experiencing this torment and also from those who were experiencing it and no longer are.  I so much need reassurance that I am not alone in this and that it will pass.
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Yes, I definitely feel similarly and need to stay off social media as much as possible (I need to use it for work) because seeing what everyone else can do, has accomplished, etc. is driving me crazy. The other day I started looking into grad schools, then I realized there is absolutely no way I can do that now with working full time, tapering and my mom being very sick. And while I am fortunate to have a good husband and two great kids, I am growingly increasingly resentful of my childhood (dad an alcoholic, mom completely codependent, it was a shitshow), and now needing to take care of that mother who is sick and still to this day so critical of me I am finding it hard to muster any compassion. And my sisters are the best of friends and I am always left out, more so the last few years, and I did so much for them when they needed it, and now they are not there for me.

 

I am sure most people on here feel similarly. I think it's important to hold on and believe things will get better. And that others people's lives, even RBG!, are not as picture perfect as they appear.

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I am so glad that you posted about this and got a response confirming that this is a real thing as it is assuring me as well.  I think it is a good idea to limit Facebook and other social media while in recovery too for this reason.  I have had a really nice life with some childhood trauma as well but for the last few months - it has been hard reliving events in my dreams and seeing others go on their merry way enjoying summer.  There was no summer for me.  I literally don't remember a good month and the next month was barely existing.  Last month things got a little better but then I had to face the hard truths that I had been using Klonopin to deny.......  and now I am living alone apart from my family in an effort to re-establish a more healthy dynamic but seriously doubting myself like I have never before.  Why couldn't I handle my son's behavior issues? Well even professionals think he is destined for a residential program when he is older (12 years old now).  How did I let myself become so dependent on my husband when I am a degreed engineer with a Masters in Education?  Was I not there for my daughter and that is why she is so independent at 15 that she really doesn't need me? I am tormented by these thoughts.  Thanks for letting me share.  I am with both of you on this journey.
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I get this feeling a lot, only for me , it revolves around l the things I could have done if I never took a benzo.  I never had a career, and wasn't able to get through college properly, once I started benzos in my second year of college.  I often think about the careers I might have had, and who I could have been. 

 

And then for the 20 plus years after, if only I had gotten off them earlier, I could have done something then too. 

 

I am envious of anyone with a career they even mildly enjoy.

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Wow, Greencup, I am the reverse.

 

Took benzos so I could sleep and got through university and 25 year career... then my anxiety/sleep was more of an issue and had to freelance.  Still enjoyed what I did, tho. 

 

My sleep disorder, death of parents had me depressed which is when I took the 6 weeks of Remeron that did me in.  Since drs. told me Remeron could not do that (ha)... I also did not want to take more meds.  But maybe that was a mistake.

I asked to be on valium, tapered down to where I am... but cannot keep this up.  Think may updose as no idea what else to do.

 

Wish I was as clear-sighted as some here... who like take meds and it makes them sick...then you know it not for you!  Remeron made me sick like that.  But until that point clonopin was not working, so tapered it not worried about it, and did not seem to hurt me that I know of.    But hard to know what is what!

 

Yes, am envious of others who have any sort of normal life.

 

 

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Thanks to everyone for responding; it's so helpful to feel that I'm not alone.

 

Greencup, I just want to tell you that I, too, bungled college in my early years, and failed to make a career for myself.  I had lost my parents at a very early age, and my chief goal in life was to have children and see them into adulthood.  After I had achieved that, I felt unsatisfied that I hadn't pursued a career, too.  When my son graduated from college, I went back myself.  I was 56.  I got my degree when I was 58.  I made straight A's and won the top prize in my department.  Unfortunately, that was when I reached tolerance on klonopin, so the plans I had when I finished school were not realized.  I STILL have dreams for when I am finished with my withdrawal.  You are young!  You can start fresh!  You can succeed!  Please rip those old, mildewed seeds of doubt out of your brain and plant fresh seeds of hope.  Just keep on going day by day as you have been, and you will finish and feel good and be ready to begin anew.  If you haven't read Fliprain's success story, please do, or read it again; she started a master's degree in psychology at 59, and is now a counselor.

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Oh god!

 

I absolutely have this. Also huge amounts of remorse, regret and grief related to it all.

 

I have been too ill to work for 22 years and I blame myself for that.

 

I wish and wish everyday that a I had lived differently. Had a different life. Done something else right from the moment I chose my degree.

 

Along with it a I get intense memories of the little girl and young woman I was and all the hope she had for the future and it just floors me.

 

Crying again now.

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What bothers me, among what the OP said, was me feeling out of it in the morning and into noon. Everyone I know shows dogs and the trials begin at 8 am. And sometimes you have to travel. They don’t know about my benzo situation. I feel depressed when I cannot make it and I’m running out of excuses. I feel as life is passing me by. It is very lonely for me. Yes I am very jealous of these people. They are getting title after title and I am getting nowhere. A great thread to start.
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Thanks to everyone for responding; it's so helpful to feel that I'm not alone.

 

Greencup, I just want to tell you that I, too, bungled college in my early years, and failed to make a career for myself.  I had lost my parents at a very early age, and my chief goal in life was to have children and see them into adulthood.  After I had achieved that, I felt unsatisfied that I hadn't pursued a career, too.  When my son graduated from college, I went back myself.  I was 56.  I got my degree when I was 58.  I made straight A's and won the top prize in my department.  Unfortunately, that was when I reached tolerance on klonopin, so the plans I had when I finished school were not realized.  I STILL have dreams for when I am finished with my withdrawal.  You are young!  You can start fresh!  You can succeed!  Please rip those old, mildewed seeds of doubt out of your brain and plant fresh seeds of hope.  Just keep on going day by day as you have been, and you will finish and feel good and be ready to begin anew.  If you haven't read Fliprain's success story, please do, or read it again; she started a master's degree in psychology at 59, and is now a counselor.

 

Thanks Flibberty.  I do hope I can accomplish something when I'm off these drugs. I tried to do things for so long and everything would fall apart "for no reason I could find" other than "my anxiety.  Now, I know, or am pretty sure, that "no reason" and "my anxiety" or actually side effects of klonopin and tolerance withdrawal and brain damage.  I do hope I can still make something of myself.  I feel like I only have experience in failing, so changing my mindset about this is kind of difficult. 

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I know exactly what you mean, Greencup, about the failing mindset; I have it, too.  So many people have talked about meditation helping them through withdrawal.  I was meditating every day for a long time and not really feeling that it was making a difference, but now I think it is.  I have felt like the guided meditations like the yoga Nidra ones have been something of a game changer.  Really relaxing my body as well as my mind.  My attitude now is that I'm not going to worry about my old habits of mind, the negative ruts in my brain---I'm not going to consciously TRY to change my thoughts---just trust that through meditation they will change organically, which will enable me to move on with my life.
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  • 2 months later...

Thanks to everyone for responding; it's so helpful to feel that I'm not alone.

 

Greencup, I just want to tell you that I, too, bungled college in my early years, and failed to make a career for myself.  I had lost my parents at a very early age, and my chief goal in life was to have children and see them into adulthood.  After I had achieved that, I felt unsatisfied that I hadn't pursued a career, too.  When my son graduated from college, I went back myself.  I was 56.  I got my degree when I was 58.  I made straight A's and won the top prize in my department.  Unfortunately, that was when I reached tolerance on klonopin, so the plans I had when I finished school were not realized.  I STILL have dreams for when I am finished with my withdrawal.  You are young!  You can start fresh!  You can succeed!  Please rip those old, mildewed seeds of doubt out of your brain and plant fresh seeds of hope.  Just keep on going day by day as you have been, and you will finish and feel good and be ready to begin anew.  If you haven't read Fliprain's success story, please do, or read it again; she started a master's degree in psychology at 59, and is now a counselor.

 

 

Was just reading thru this post and thank you for such a positive comment. I feel like everything is behind me at 52 and needed to hear this today.

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  • 1 month later...
I also think it's important to remember that what we think of people's great lives are usually not the reality. I was at a party last night and a friend whose life looks like the one I want via social media told me her son was inpatient due to mental health issues, had a detailed suicide plan, is now on an antidepressant. You know what ... I will take my life and its problems over what they are going through every day of the week. I think Facebook really ramps up depression. I am trying to stay off social media as much as possible.
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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been sickly my whole life, mostly thanks to all of the antibiotics given to me as a baby.

Klonopoin gave me a life...

It really did. I was the most functional I had been in years. I was looking at houses and ready to start driving (something I had avoided due to panic attacks)

Now I'm stuck trying to figure out how I'm going to do this and come off...

I'm envious of anyone sleeping normally

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