Weak Mind

Hi Midnight...Congratulations on starting you're taper, I'm sooo glad to hear that you're feeling alright with it, I hope it continues in this way for you. I have personally found that tolerance,tapering and going off completely are not that much different form each other maybe just some different side effects being added but nothing I'm not prepared for after going through tolerance withdralw which I actually found to be allot more scary but only because I didn't know what was going on. I find now that just knowing what these symptoms are coming from and knowing that many others are going through the same thing is very helpfull in keeping myself under controll,not to say that the symptoms are not there, they most certainly are but I'm not freaking out about them anymore because I know what they are from.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks.  I don't know how I would handle bad effects honestly.  I already have had bad days where I felt like what is the point of life to beginw ith.  (not suicidal, but just everything seemed hopeless regardless)  And I do panick very much at ANY symptom.  SO I'm worried about it and just hope I don't have many or bad ones.  Who knows if I'll get off of it or not, but just seeing what happens.

 

TC, the real me has shown through both on and off of meds.  I know the real me and when I feel happy and peaceful.  But since I've been on the med for a few years I just have a hard time of knowing if my good days are due to the med or like you said me showing through the med.

I wonder if the full moon is why I feel so good?  lol  Only thing bothering me is a HUGE bug was in here.  I don't know what it was, but it kept making all this noise against  bag then I never could get the stupid thing and now I don't know where it is and bugs annoy me, especially this big.

 

Anyway I think I'll see if I feel ok after 10 days and if I do then i'll cut again.  If not for me knowing it can suddenly creep up I would be tempted to already cut even more because it "feels" like I could just stop it cold turkey, but I know from others it's not a good idea to risk that.

Midnight,

 

It does get tough to tell...what is the real you and what is covered up or enhanced by the medication...

 

It is funny you mention the full moon making you feel good....Cupcake has a thread in which people are saying it makes them feel bad...I don't think it has much of an effect on me....heheh

 

TC

Yeah I've always heard people get weird during full moons, hospitals have more people show up, etc...  I seriously had a therapist suggest that me feeling bad wasn't due to my life changes, but due to how the stars were aligned...........

 

Anyway well for now my main problems unrelated to the meds are boredom, loneliness, and sometimes unwanted thoughts (or maybe and hopefully that is due to the med).  I have little life other than online and when people aren't online I am bored to death.  I spent so much of my life not socializing and now I crave social interaction constantly and rarely get enough.

Well only less than 4 days, but so far not only do I have zero symptoms, but I feel as great as I ever have.

 

Only thigns bothering me are life issues.  For one thing the stupid apartment people have gone months not fixing a hole in the attic which squirrels ahd got through in the past.  So I'm very tempted to be rude and remind them it's been 2 months and that 3 people claimed it would be fixed and also that their rude comments to me on the phone was unacceptable.  But some people tell me I should be polite to try to keep them from retaliating by not renewing a lease and others say I should take up for myself due to them being rude, blaming me for thigns they caused, and them not fixing anything.  I told them a while back that nothing ever gets fixed and property manager got mad at my wording and yet it was quite true.  They only HALF fix thigns and clal them fixed.  Not one thing has been totally fixed.  And now killed a roach.

 

So mostly that and still not having a job.

That's great you're not having any symptoms, maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones who can get off of this stuff with no pain, I hope so.

Thanks I hope so too although I keep convincing myself it's impossible to.  I really need to stop thinking that way "just in case" it's possible.  I keep thinking rationally and am thinking well it would be impossible for my body not to want more when I already had tolerance withdrawal in the past.  And today I was a bit shaky, but I hope it's a coincidence.  Sigh.

 

I have an obsessive/addictive personality in some ways.  Although one day I decided to stop taking tylenol for the first time in years of tkaing it every day twice per day and i just randomly stopped it totally for years without worse headaches.  Some things I seem to be able to randomly stop and some i don't.  Tylenol obviously not the same as this type of drug though.

Hard to keep myself from cutting even more this quickly because I flat have no side effect at all 5 days into cutting.  Not just a standable minor one... just flat nothing.  I was going to go 10 days, but I may just go 7 or 8.  Then need to decide whether to cut the morning dose totally for the next cut or else take even doses for both.  One way makes me go longer with nothing in me, but the other way gives me less at sleeping time.

 

It's possible that it would keep going this smoothly and that the real concern may be cutting the very final dose to go to zero.

Just listen to your body, it sounds like it's giving you the go ahead to taper at your own pace. 

Still feel great with zero effects.

 

I'm starting to wonder if the amount you take isn't as important as how often you take something.  Because when I took it only once per day i started getting tolerance, I changed to twice per day and still was takign the same exact dose for the day combined.  It fixed my tolerance.  Now I cut back on only one of my two daily doses and it ahs given me no bad effects after 6 days.  I'm starting to think and worry that when the problem comes in may be when I totally lose one of the two doses.

 

So MAYBE it will be best to next lower my other dose rather than cut out one of them yet.

No clue what to do now.  I cut again and I feel shaky, but not 100% sure if that's why.  But the back of my head kind of hurts so I suspect it's related to this med because anything changing related to emds will end up giving a headache I think.  Also though a lot of things are bothering me or stressing me all at once.  Things about the apartment and several decisions I can't decide on.

So confused.  I don't feel too horrible, but I think I feel worse just by continuing to notice people on here say they're like a year out and having major depression they know is from withdrawal!  it's almost to the point of making me expect to feel horrible for a year when it may simply be me doing it to myself by reading.

Everyone is different, so try not to read too much into how others get through this.  I've seen lots of folks get off of this stuff relatively easy, so you might be one of the lucky ones.  If the horror stories are upsetting you, don't read them.  Just keep reducing your dose and see what happens, the only way you're going to know the real you is to get the drug out and see what's left.  I'll bet you'll like what you find!

Well I felt so rgeat and was happy I decided to get off of it.  But wow earlier today I felt my body wanting it.  Nothing horrible like some have had happen, but I was pretty dizzy and anxious.  Partly due to some issues going on in my life to make me anxious too, but some was surely the med.  I then kind of rested a few minutes then felt revived so who nows.  I just don't want seizures, to faint, hear voices, all those weird ones.  So far I've just had some anxiety and head feeling a bit weird.

 

When I simply changed my once a day dose to twice in halves my head felt weird also and then about 3 days in my body adjusted. Would be nice if every change I make would work itself out in 3 days.  lol  I'm still hoping for the best here.  I want to watch fireworks saturday night and also sunday night so I hope I at least feel good enough to go places!  See I'm down to half of the dose I was taking 1 week ago.... and with it worded that way it sounds too fast.  But it means I was 1/4 less for a week and then lowered again.  I may try to cut by eighths now, but that would be hard to cut properly and would slow this up.  All depends how I do the enxt week i guess.

This is so weird.  After only 2 days of cutting back that far now I randomly feel great again.  Physically, anyway.  Still worrying about a few things, but unrelated to the med really.  Would be nice if it stays this way, but I don't know.  And it's time now to take another dose and my body doesn't seem to care if I take it or not.  Wheras yesterday it kept wanting more.

You're doing great, just keep listening to your body, I think you've going to have an easy time of this.  I love it when this happens! 

Hi Midnight,

 

I was able to cut my pill to 1/8ths by using a single-edge straight razor blade.  I would keep my 2 doses equal as you are tapering leaving the pm dose as the last cut.  Please, don't read into everybody's problems.  We've seen people feel well shortly after their last dose.  You are doing a great job.

 

Patty  xo

I sure hope so, Pamster.  Would be a nice surprise if it did go that way.

 

Thanks, Patty.  That's what I was thinking too is better try to make it still be two doses until the very last cut.  I'll see how my current dose keeps working for a week or two and then decide if I plan to cut by a whole fourth again or try for closer to an eighth.  probably would be smarter to cut by an eighth once down at this level, but then again I'm not so sure it would make much difference going from one fourth to zero compared with an extra week between one fourth and zero.  Maybe.  But then again it may be good to just stop feeding any of the med in at all.

 

I hope I truly feel this was the best decision.  I don't necessarily agree with those who say once off it means you can never use it again though.  I don't see the problem with using it just a day or two if something very troubling happens.

Midnight,

 

Your description of occasional use is actually the kind of use these benzos were intended for..they were never supposed to be long term meds....

 

If you can use them "as needed" post benzos and can have a good handle on only using them on the rare occasions you need them...you may be just fine..  You just want to avoid the "as needed" turning into daily use again....some people can do this with no problem....

 

TC

What's weird is I have an adictive personality in some ways such as always liking to have the same life pattern day after day, yet when it comes to truly needing to cut something out I usually (except in rare cases) seem able to do it rather easily.  For instance drinking too much gave me a hangover.  I simply stopped drinking.  I took tylenol every day multiple times per day for years.  I then decided to stop and only take headache meds maybe 5 days per year now.  So I personally think I could discipline myself to take this only a few times per year and wouldn't get in a habit again.  But of course everything is easier said than done so maybe not.

My mind must not be so weak if it's actually knowing not to give me bad symptoms.  lol  I hope I'm not jinxing it by continuing to mention i have none.  I feel so great.  I did seem to want my dose 10 or 11 hours after the other one though, but it seems like my body more just wants an even amount in me no matter what the amount is.  I bet I never truly had tolerance withdrawal, but only interdosage withdrawal.  that's why originally when I changed it to two doses it fixed my withdrawal.  It was more about the dropoff from 0.5 to 0 every day than it was about wanting more than the 0.5.

 

Anyway a lot of good things happening to me now too such as I won my appeal to keep my healthcare that was going to be taken away and i've been thinking much more logically lately (even before cutting though so some is unrelated to cutting... but I do feel excited about cutting meds out also).

  Good things are happening all the way around for you!  Don't worry, you won't jinx yourself, a good positive attitude is always a plus! 

Now had a violent dream and when I woke up I didn't feel bad or have my heart beating fast so I dont know whether that/'s good that maybe my body knew it wasnt real or if it's bad and means it's driving me crazy where my brain thinks hey violence is fine.  lol  I'm always worried somehow I'll go crazy and think weird things.  I sure hope I'm just overanalyzing again.  But also I sometimes fear if I have a dream where I'm mad at someone or hit someone or something it will cause them trouble in real life when it's not people I want to have bad things happen to them!

Now had a violent dream and when I woke up I didn't feel bad or have my heart beating fast so I dont know whether that/'s good that maybe my body knew it wasnt real or if it's bad and means it's driving me crazy where my brain thinks hey violence is fine.  lol  I'm always worried somehow I'll go crazy and think weird things.  I sure hope I'm just overanalyzing again.  But also I sometimes fear if I have a dream where I'm mad at someone or hit someone or something it will cause them trouble in real life when it's not people I want to have bad things happen to them!

 

Mmm, could be.    When good stuff happens, it's good, it's not bad disguised as good.  Go with it Midnight!