Weak Mind

When my mind is in a vulnerable state I feel like I can't even control my thoughts.  I feel mad at people who I was happy with when I saw them last.  I feel thigns that make no sense.  It's really worrying me that i could feel things that don't make sense to be felt.

 

For instance if I don't get enough sleep (like last night) my mind is weak.  Then I think all these bad and depressing thoughts.  I don't know if it's related to the benzo or not, but I want to think happy thoughts, not feel bad things for no reason at all.

Actually, not getting enough sleep is a very good reason to get bad and depressing thoughts.  When that happens to me, it's all I can do to convince myself that it is a temporary condition and that I will feel better one day.  Oh, and I can't concentrate or remember things so I guess that would be a "weak" mind as well.  When I get enough sleep, it all changes.  Hope you start getting some good restoriative sleep, Midnight.

Hey Midnight,

 

You don't have a weak mind; sleep deprivation is the culprit.  Insomnia is brutal, and it fatigues the mind and body.  Your sleep will get better; trust me.  Stay the course.

Thanks for the responses.  I know others feel terrible without enough sleep, but I feel weak compared to them because they seem to more easily at least function and i start panicking and wondering how would I handle a job like that.

 

I do remember feeling so so horrible when I was in school and not getting enough sleep though and that was many years before meds so I am hoping indeed that more sleep will help.  I've had a lot of upsetting thigns happen lately and it got me really down and so this sudden ened to go to some early appointments and miss sleep didn'thelp matters a bit.

 

I'm not so sure my mind had weird thoughts back then though... but maybe.  Can't remember.

Midnight...I totally feel you're pain, I've suffered from insomnia for as long as I can remember.Sometimes intrusive thoughts are so persistant that its hard to get a handle on them.I find it best to always try and remember that what you think isn't always necessarily true especially when you're mind is playing tricks on you from lack of sleep among many other reasons.I constantly have to remind myself "Don't believe every thing you think and don't think everything you believe"...If you do you'll most definitely drive yourself crazy.I also find it helpfull to try my best not to get angry with my thoughts because when I do I get in a really bad mood,feel extremely agitated and take it out on others, who most definitely don't deserve it.

I've gotten to a point were I try to think of these pestering thoughts as an experiment, I try to observe the proses as it happens as crazy as that sounds it works, a thought is just a thought don't let them controll you're life.I've said this before but I'm gonna say it again, if you're mind is playing tricks on you play back.I've asked myself many times as well if there really true or if it's just the pills doing it,it's a strange feeling to believe something yet not believe it all at the same time especially when everything seems to be in overdrive and you're not at the wheel.When I'm in withdrawl it almost seems like someone else is thinking for me and it's a horrible feeling but even if I can't controll my thoughts it's imperative that I control how I act on them,I wouldn't be surprised if it has alot to do with the benzo.Good luck and I hope it get's better for you soon.

Thanks.  I hope something changes for the better because I hate it.    If I feel too tired of upset to think my brain automatically reverts to thinking I'm in ana rgument with my parents despite not having had an argument with them.  Then I even dumbly told my mom about it so she got defensive and thinks I really believe they did soemthing to ruin my life.  Then later it got into the reality that I did feel abd around them a lot in recent years because I feel uneasy and judged.  Then she got mad and explained they only wanted me happy.  So see my brain being uncontrollable for that time caused a real argument because I was too tried to even know how to handle it and I thought telling her would make her have some magic solution.

 

Today I got 10 hours sleep, but I still feel uneasy due to recent depressed moods.

 

By the way I don't really have insomnia exactly.  Imostluy just get on weird schedules so if I need toget up early I don't get enough sleep.

 

I'm also dealing with a lot of little issues and my health insurance is being taken away.  I HATE intrusive thoughts.  Yes it's just a thought, but if it's something bad then I start panicking and think I'm evil.

I don't know how people deal with a lot of disabilities when I can't even deal with less.  I met some girl who has tons of health issues along with mental ones.  And in general most people just seem to handle things much better than me.  i panick and think the world has ended easily.

 

If I could stop with the bad thinking (anger and weird thinking) life would be quite a bit better.

Have you given any thought to tapering off the drug (Clonazepam) which may be causing you to feel the way you do?  It might be part of the reason you're having problems with deciding if you'd like to find a job, or dealing with some of your other issues.   

I had those problems before ever taking it.  The only thing really happening while on this which I can't recall happening before it is too easily thinking weird thoughts and bad ones.  Although I'm sure that happened before it too, but it seems more frequent and uncontrollable lately.... and so it may be the med or maybe not.

 

The reaosn i joined here is I am definitely thinking of tapering.  However it's tough to be sure whether to or not.  Nobody really seems to tell why they're tapering other than if they already were having withdrawal effects.  People say it's poison, but then there reason for it is the effects when "stopping" the med.  Nobody ever seems to explain why they think of it as poison while actually taking their full dose.

 

When you're on a med and sometimes feel better than ever it's extremely tough to know if quitting it serves a purpsoe or not.  What if I go through months and months of bad withdrawal and then when it's finally over it turns out I have no benefit from having gone through it and still have the same symptoms only worse anxiety?

Midnight...I most definitely had problems before ever taking a benzo too or else I wouldn't have needed it in the first place.I still remember the first one I ever took, I take one of the more fast acting ones xanax and within 15 minutes of that first pill I thought my life had Been saved, it's amazing the difference it made especially when it came to anxiety,if only I knew then what problems it would cause I would have learned how to deal with my problems allot earlier because eventually it would only make things worse although it took years before I would realize that and by that time it was too late.

 

Benzos most definitely are "poison" I became so tolerant of the drug that I thought I was going mad, I hadn't even thought about the pills being the problem and my thoughts increasingly became intolerable and out of control I became angry and thought I had gone nut's...it was just my body becoming more and more tolerant I was still taking my regular dose at 2mg plus a day, I had to continually increase my dose because I was experiencing the withdraw effects between doses because my body was so use to the drug, the pill had become my best Friend at this point and I let doctors diagnose me with all sorts of disorders which I never had.I realize now that benzo tolerance is a serious thing I just wish I had of known about it earlier before this drug began to control my life...and my mind...This is why I have to quit.

 

I wonder too if it's all going to be worth it in the end but after coming here and seeing that so many people are telling the same story over and over again I no longer believe that I'm crazy.I hope that this doesn't keep happening to many more people because the worst thing in the world in my eyes is not being in controll of you're own thoughts and feeling's.The people here at BB have been so understanding and supportive since I joined last week and am now on my way to becoming benzo free...I couldn't have made it this far in such a short time if it wasn't for them, I no longer believe that the world is coming to an end.It's not fair that this has to happen to such good people.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you start feeling better soon

Midnight,

 

I don't think anyone that ever got on a benzo realized the havoc they can cause when one hits tolerance.  At this point, you must up your dose, or decide to come off of your dose.  The further up in dose that you go, and the longer that you take a benzo, the more potential there is to damage your system and the harder it is to come off of these drugs.  Some people reach tolerance quicker than others...you may find until you reach this point..you may not care if you are on benzos or not.....I didn't realize the damage these medications did to the central nervous system..or I would have never taken one.....I wish someone would have told me about the long term consequences...

 

Another thing you have to consider is.....people on these drugs..can basically be cut off by their doctor...for no real reason..other than the doc doesn't think you should be on them....this can lead to really serious problems...such as seizures..and other long term difficulities..including....a really drawn out period of healing....

 

I am not trying to convince you to quit benzos....that is your choice..and no one should critcize you if you do quit or you decide that you do not want to quit....but....I just gave a couple reasons why these things are no good..I am sure we could come up with dozens more....

 

No matter what you decide I wish you well.....the best thing you can do is just educate yourself the best you can about the benzos..then make a decision....in the future...

 

TC

kc, I agree not having control over your own thoughts is probably the worst thing.  I certainly hope if I taper off the med that it would stop happening.

 

TC, I hadn't heard that it damages the central nervous system.  I don't know.  I want to quit.  I'm hopefully going to try to very soon.  I mainly wanted to still be on the med when I go to a concert next week which I paid a lot of money for and wanted to be sure I can enjoy it without withdrawal crap.

 

By the way I am apparently going to be without insurance for 6 or 7 months possibly.  I do have enough of this med to last barely that long at this dosage rate.  However, see now I won't even be able to have a doctor help me through withdrawing because I would have to pay for the doctor visits.  Also my doctor said stay on it until I get a job, so I'm not sure whether to ignore him or not.

 

And I'm not sure I can withstand withdrawing.  It will be all these problems multiplied.  If I can't handle these thoughts now, how do I handle them even more frequently for months?

 

I hope if I get off of it that it eventually does have me controlling my own thinking and not feeling angry.  And I hope it will be quicker since I haven't taken more than 0.5 mg on any day.  I hope it is easier for it.  From what I read here it seems like everyone feels bad for a long time so then I think well what's the harm of raising the dose if I will suffer no more when withdrawing then?

 

I have never raised the dose in the several years on it, by the way.  And I had tolerance withdrawal a month or two ago.  Then I started taking two half doses instead of one whole dose and it fixed my tolerance.  I hope my brain can handle geting off of it.  

Midnight...When I first became tolerant I raised my dose to escape these horrible symptoms it helped for a while and then I only became tolerant of the higher dose after a while and up it went again and again I increasingly became more and more tolerant, continually having to raise my dose and then becoming tolerant again, this really started to controll my life and I would take so much more then I was prescribed to escape the tolerance that I would run out of pills and get sick.I only urge you to be carefull if you're not going to be able to see a doctor for a while you could run into some serious problems...This has taken away 11 years of my life.I sincerely hope that you're not starting to get the same problems that I had...please be carefull and like TC said learn as much as you can before you make any decisions about you're health...If only I had of known earlier  :'(

There's not much left to learn or any obvious answer though.  If I continue it people say there is more and more tolerance.  If I stop it they say there can be complications.  If I can't go to a doctor then I flat can't go so I'm stuck.

 

And now a lot of life problems are happening at once to give me anxiety from that.  My utility bill is higher than I think it should be despite me keeping the temperature in here WARM all day until I sleep.  It's much higher than other places the same size as mine because the utility site shows a graph comparison.  And the air conditioner is supposedly "working properly", but apparently just sucks.

 

Then I have other decisions which must be made soon which are tough ones.  I'm tired of dealing with all of this and if I had to have this stuff going on while withdrawing I don't know how I would handle it.  Everything is so confusing.

It is confusing, I'm tyred of dealing with all this too, it seems theres no way around it and has gone on too long,it's depressing really. I find it's really hard to keep optimistic most of the time and I so often want to give up, but I have managed to not take anything for almost a week,mind you I think I'm going crazy. I can't imagine having to deal with allot of other things right now, but as sad as it is its good to know I'm not the only one dealing with these pestering thoughts.

I hope you feel better soon.  All you can do is just hope you will I guess.  I'm sure most people were put on them for anxiety or panic so it sucks that after coming off of them there's now ay to know if you'll still have a lot of anxiety or not.  I know I have changed my thinking, but then again my brainw as so slow learning that it may not even retain anything and I may end up with the same old anxiety again.

 

I'm kind of panicky right this minute actually because of so many thngs bothering me at once.

Midnight,

 

Benzos really do affect the central nervous system greatly..which is why once a person reaches tolerance...they may then experience withdrawal...while still on the full dose of medication..at that point...you either updose to escape the withdrawal (this doesn't always work by the way) or you have to start tapering off....my biggest concern was that a doctor could say at any time...that he is cutting me off the meds....at that point...if you can't find someone to prescribe...if you are one any sort of dosage at all..you risk serious complications..including seizures if you cold turkey....

 

It is entirely your decision whether to come off of the medication...I just think that you should know all the risks...and benefits to the medication....before making a decision....I didn't have much experience at all with prescription medication....prior to Klonopin....but for me...these types of medication are pure evil....during my short time on this medication it certainly wreaked havoc on my life....I will be glad to free of this...with no worries of the med "turning on me".....in the future....for me..this just isn't the path to go....but I understand that some people do very well on these meds.....and some people don't even have problems coming off either....they seem to effect people in different ways....

 

TC

Well I just flat don't know what to do anymore.  Feels like it's hopeless because any direction I go I feel empty and not consistently ok.  I feel happy a majority of time for maybe a week, but something always pulls me down again whether on or off emds I think.  And therapists have never helped very much.  I would have thought problems as common as family issues, fear of death, social issues would be especially easy for them to help with since everyone has them to some extent.  But apparently not easy for anyone I asked about it because alf the time they didn't say much.

Hi Midnight,

I know that all of this is very confusing right now. Tolerance from benzo's is very real and not all too pleasant at all.  I built up a tolerance almost immediately and now feel that I have lost the last 10 years of my life.  Unfortunately, I did not have the knowledge that I have now.  As for your decision to get off the benzo's now, well that is entirely up to you.  Don't be afraid to get off of them because long term you will be feeling better.  It sounds like you have alot of stressful things on your plate right now and perhaps you should wait a bit.  I know when I went into this, I was really mad and that motivated me. I went in with a "can do" attitude and I also made adjustments in my life to be as stress free as possible. I knew that I had to concentrate on getting better and that had to be my number 1 priority. Everything in my life has since been on the back burner. You may be one of the lucky ones who can get off this poision very easily. Regardless, when you do decide when the right time for you to get off of benzo's is just do it at your own pace/  in the meantime it is very helpful to realize that it is the benzo's that are causing some of the problems that you are experiencing. So, don't beat yourself up.  So much is chemically induced.  Well, I wish you the best of luck when you get off of this stuff.  I know you wil.      Ginia

Thanks for the well wishes.  Well today I took 1/4 less.  I guess technically most would say I should lower by 1/8, but since it's hard to cut the pills even remotely accurately less than fourths and I don't want to try any mixing with liquid or anything I don't know what else to do other than see how this goes for a little while.  I'm hoping it won't be worse than a few months ago when I was apparently having bad tolerance before splitting my dose into two doses.

 

It probably sounds like a lot to cut one fourth right off, but still it's only 0.125 less mg.  Since my overall dose of 0.5 is so small I'm just hoping somehow I'll be one of the lucky ones.  I do seem to be lucky/blessed in a lot of areas, so who knows.  All I can do is think positively and if it ends up feeling horrible I guess I've got to go back up again.  Also I thought maybe be cutting by more but then not cutting again as quickly as most do maybe that will counter it out and still be better off.

Midnight, I went to a psychologist before and during my taper off clonazepam until the end of 2009.  He tried desperately to help me with my anxiety but truth is I feel he might just as well have been talking to my bottle of pills.  My ability to listen, to accept, to attempt anything he suggested to help my agoraphobia was severely hampered, I believe, by the medication.  It was only from about March last year when I felt the fog lifting that I went back to another psychotherapist and it all started to have an effect.  I had to put in the hard work to push myself everyday.  I remember my first attempts at walking along the street were a complete nightmare and thoughts of driving the car - now that was really difficult.  Now I walk everyday for at least 45mins and driving is ok - not perfect but okay.

 

I took put a lot of my life on the back burner, turned my back on some situations I just couldn't deal  with, or passed them over to my husband, and tried to make my life as even as possible in terms of stress - never entirely possible but there are some things we can control.  Don't be too hard on yourself, seems like we just need to hear the same things over and over again - eventually we start to believe them.

 

Well done for deciding to move on with your taper.  Good luck, but don't give into the temptation to speed up tapering, best not to rock the boat.

yeah I've had depressive episodes in the past where it was so so hard to even make myself eat or go and walk.  Hopefully it doesn't get that bad when tapering.  If it doesn't then I would at least know I could handle it as i've handled worse.

 

What drives me nuts is I KNOW what psychs have siad, I KNOW what books say, I KNOW what I am thinking irrationally about and yet my brain will STILL act in a way I don't want.  It will make me get anxiety over thigns I've already analyzed a million times to KNOW I don't need to feel anxiety about them.  I am hoping if I do get off of this that maybe my mind will be clearer and actually be better at having my brain KEEP the information which I keep learning.

What drives me nuts is I KNOW what psychs have siad, I KNOW what books say, I KNOW what I am thinking irrationally about and yet my brain will STILL act in a way I don't want.  It will make me get anxiety over thigns I've already analyzed a million times to KNOW I don't need to feel anxiety about them.  I am hoping if I do get off of this that maybe my mind will be clearer and actually be better at having my brain KEEP the information which I keep learning.

This seems to be so normal for some of us in withdrawal.  I know deep down I knew that it would get better, but occasionally the irrational fear would take over and set me back again.  As I said before early last year I actually felt the fog lifting and it was about then that friends told me they could see the real me starting to emerge again.  It was such a good feeling and did a lot psychologically to turn my thoughts around.  The same feeling came when I took my last dose, I knew I'd done the hard work and just had to wait from then on in until I got completely well again.  It's taking its time and there have been times when I thought again that I was always going to have to struggle through the day, but that's slowly getting better.  This has been one wild ride.

 

I didn't have depression as such, just some really tough days when I thought this would never end, but I gave in to agoraphobia and was housebound for quite a time.  Looking back now I just wish I'd pushed myself harder on those darker days to get my butt out the door - easier said than done I guess.  It's been a long road back for me to feel safe when I'm out of my comfort zone.  Hard to take for someone who liked her independence, was confident and successful and enjoyed life. 

Well no point wishing you did anything differently since you can't change it.  I don't really think any day is wasted no matter what you do during it anyway because if nothing else you eventually learn something from it.

 

My contradictory problem is that people saw the "real me" a couple weeks ago when I was still on my normal dose...  So it makes it even harder to be sure I should stop it.

 

This past 24 hours has been perhaps my best day in ages though.  Obviously taking 1/4 less of the med for 1 day didn't technically do anything physically I assume, but part of why i feel great is perhaps that I made a decision to TRY to stop the med I guess.  And I do still have some optimism that it won't be hard for me since I had tolerance withdrawal building for like a year without realizing it so hopefully I at least wont feel worse than that.

 

I hope you're doing good lately.

Hi,

 

I wish you well no matter what you decide to do...but I found your comment about the "real you" being the you that is under the influence of a benzo....do you think the "real you" is just being masked by the benzo and only peaks out from time to time?  It seems hard to be believe any of us can really see the real "us"...when on various medications....maybe the real you is really there.....and has been all the time...just in and out do to the medication?

 

Just some food for thought..only you really know you.....but I am betting the real you was always there..regardless of the medication....

 

TC