Author Topic: Weak Mind  (Read 8850 times)

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #20 on: June 25, 2010, 06:03:18 am »
[...], I went to a psychologist before and during my taper off clonazepam until the end of 2009.  He tried desperately to help me with my anxiety but truth is I feel he might just as well have been talking to my bottle of pills.  My ability to listen, to accept, to attempt anything he suggested to help my agoraphobia was severely hampered, I believe, by the medication.  It was only from about March last year when I felt the fog lifting that I went back to another psychotherapist and it all started to have an effect.   I had to put in the hard work to push myself everyday.  I remember my first attempts at walking along the street were a complete nightmare and thoughts of driving the car - now that was really difficult.  Now I walk everyday for at least 45mins and driving is ok - not perfect but okay.

I took put a lot of my life on the back burner, turned my back on some situations I just couldn't deal  with, or passed them over to my husband, and tried to make my life as even as possible in terms of stress - never entirely possible but there are some things we can control.  Don't be too hard on yourself, seems like we just need to hear the same things over and over again - eventually we start to believe them.

Well done for deciding to move on with your taper.  Good luck, but don't give into the temptation to speed up tapering, best not to rock the boat. :thumbsup:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #21 on: June 25, 2010, 06:14:56 am »
yeah I've had depressive episodes in the past where it was so so hard to even make myself eat or go and walk.  Hopefully it doesn't get that bad when tapering.  If it doesn't then I would at least know I could handle it as i've handled worse.

What drives me nuts is I KNOW what psychs have siad, I KNOW what books say, I KNOW what I am thinking irrationally about and yet my brain will STILL act in a way I don't want.  It will make me get anxiety over thigns I've already analyzed a million times to KNOW I don't need to feel anxiety about them.  I am hoping if I do get off of this that maybe my mind will be clearer and actually be better at having my brain KEEP the information which I keep learning.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #22 on: June 25, 2010, 11:41:49 am »
Quote
What drives me nuts is I KNOW what psychs have siad, I KNOW what books say, I KNOW what I am thinking irrationally about and yet my brain will STILL act in a way I don't want.  It will make me get anxiety over thigns I've already analyzed a million times to KNOW I don't need to feel anxiety about them.  I am hoping if I do get off of this that maybe my mind will be clearer and actually be better at having my brain KEEP the information which I keep learning.
This seems to be so normal for some of us in withdrawal.  I know deep down I knew that it would get better, but occasionally the irrational fear would take over and set me back again.  As I said before early last year I actually felt the fog lifting and it was about then that friends told me they could see the real me starting to emerge again.  It was such a good feeling and did a lot psychologically to turn my thoughts around.   The same feeling came when I took my last dose, I knew I'd done the hard work and just had to wait from then on in until I got completely well again.  It's taking its time and there have been times when I thought again that I was always going to have to struggle through the day, but that's slowly getting better.  This has been one wild ride.

 I didn't have depression as such, just some really tough days when I thought this would never end, but I gave in to agoraphobia and was housebound for quite a time.  Looking back now I just wish I'd pushed myself harder on those darker days to get my butt out the door - easier said than done I guess.  It's been a long road back for me to feel safe when I'm out of my comfort zone.  Hard to take for someone who liked her independence, was confident and successful and enjoyed life.  :(
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #23 on: June 25, 2010, 01:13:58 pm »
Well no point wishing you did anything differently since you can't change it.  I don't really think any day is wasted no matter what you do during it anyway because if nothing else you eventually learn something from it.

My contradictory problem is that people saw the "real me" a couple weeks ago when I was still on my normal dose...  So it makes it even harder to be sure I should stop it.

This past 24 hours has been perhaps my best day in ages though.  Obviously taking 1/4 less of the med for 1 day didn't technically do anything physically I assume, but part of why i feel great is perhaps that I made a decision to TRY to stop the med I guess.  And I do still have some optimism that it won't be hard for me since I had tolerance withdrawal building for like a year without realizing it so hopefully I at least wont feel worse than that.

I hope you're doing good lately.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2010, 10:33:28 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #24 on: June 25, 2010, 02:37:20 pm »
Hi,

I wish you well no matter what you decide to do...but I found your comment about the "real you" being the you that is under the influence of a benzo....do you think the "real you" is just being masked by the benzo and only peaks out from time to time?  It seems hard to be believe any of us can really see the real "us"...when on various medications....maybe the real you is really there.....and has been all the time...just in and out do to the medication?

Just some food for thought..only you really know you.....but I am betting the real you was always there..regardless of the medication....

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #25 on: June 25, 2010, 06:40:33 pm »
Hi [...]...Congratulations on starting you're taper, I'm sooo glad to hear that you're feeling alright with it, I hope it continues in this way for you. I have personally found that tolerance,tapering and going off completely are not that much different form each other maybe just some different side effects being added but nothing I'm not prepared for after going through tolerance withdralw which I actually found to be allot more scary but only because I didn't know what was going on. I find now that just knowing what these symptoms are coming from and knowing that many others are going through the same thing is very helpfull in keeping myself under controll,not to say that the symptoms are not there, they most certainly are but I'm not freaking out about them anymore because I know what they are from.

I wish you the best of luck.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #26 on: June 25, 2010, 10:37:19 pm »
Thanks.  I don't know how I would handle bad effects honestly.  I already have had bad days where I felt like what is the point of life to beginw ith.  (not suicidal, but just everything seemed hopeless regardless)  And I do panick very much at ANY symptom.  SO I'm worried about it and just hope I don't have many or bad ones.  Who knows if I'll get off of it or not, but just seeing what happens.

[...], the real me has shown through both on and off of meds.  I know the real me and when I feel happy and peaceful.  But since I've been on the med for a few years I just have a hard time of knowing if my good days are due to the med or like you said me showing through the med.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #27 on: June 26, 2010, 12:36:27 pm »
I wonder if the full moon is why I feel so good?  lol  Only thing bothering me is a HUGE bug was in here.  I don't know what it was, but it kept making all this noise against  bag then I never could get the stupid thing and now I don't know where it is and bugs annoy me, especially this big.

Anyway I think I'll see if I feel ok after 10 days and if I do then i'll cut again.  If not for me knowing it can suddenly creep up I would be tempted to already cut even more because it "feels" like I could just stop it cold turkey, but I know from others it's not a good idea to risk that.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #28 on: June 26, 2010, 07:17:10 pm »
[...],

It does get tough to tell...what is the real you and what is covered up or enhanced by the medication...

It is funny you mention the full moon making you feel good....Cupcake has a thread in which people are saying it makes them feel bad...I don't think it has much of an effect on me....heheh

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Weak Mind
« Reply #29 on: June 26, 2010, 10:54:02 pm »
Yeah I've always heard people get weird during full moons, hospitals have more people show up, etc...  I seriously had a therapist suggest that me feeling bad wasn't due to my life changes, but due to how the stars were aligned...........

Anyway well for now my main problems unrelated to the meds are boredom, loneliness, and sometimes unwanted thoughts (or maybe and hopefully that is due to the med).  I have little life other than online and when people aren't online I am bored to death.  I spent so much of my life not socializing and now I crave social interaction constantly and rarely get enough.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.