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Does depression make you feel like you're losing your mind?


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I went to bed last night about 11 with depression. Deep depression. I toss and turn and crazy thoughts go through my head. I just ruminate and ruminate about feeling like I'm absolutely going insane. I try to talk to my husband and he gets frustrated because he's trying to sleep so I don't blame him for getting angry. but I don't know how someone is expected to get through this without having someone to talk to at 2 in the morning if they're feeling utter utter depression. I ended up saying some stuff I shouldn't have and he ended up going on the couch and I've just tossed and turned the entire night wondering if I should go on and antidepressant because I can't continue to live like this. I feel like I'm absolutely positively losing my mind. It feels like my brain is on fire and I just can't take this depression it's making me say things I don't mean out of pure frustration. The worst thing is I can't figure out if I'm depressed because of the Ativan if I'm depressed about my marriage or if my marriage is on the Rocks so bad because of this depression or whatever it is I'm going through.

So yeah my biggest question is does depression make you lay in bed feeling like you're losing your mind?

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The biggest thing is I'm laying here tossing and turning and I remember that before all this happened and before the Ativan I would toss and turn thinking negative things about my marriage. The only difference is that back then I didn't feel insane or hopeless with a deep dark depression.

Did the Ativan just amplify everything? Did it just amplify all my problems and will that go away?

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I am sorry you are suffering so much.  I can totally understand that you are trying to figure out what is going on.  It seems to me that the Ativan made things considerably worse for you, whatever the problems you were dealing with before you were put on the drug.  You have then tried two different antidepressants and you have come off them.  That is quite a lot for your brain to deal with.  All this disruption to your brain chemistry will make it more difficult to try to deal with your marriage problems.

 

Medication can sometimes help people and they find they can then deal with the issues in their lives, but for many the opposite happens.  Certainly that is what happened to me.  I would hope that if you give it some time your symptoms may settle down and become more manageable.  Taking medication complicates matters so much .. and it is hugely difficult then to work out the effects of the medication, the effects of withdrawal, the original real life issues ... and then all these things interact and it is virtually impossible to know what is really going on.

 

Perhaps it is best to stop trying to figure out what is causing what and try to focus on strategies which will help you to cope.  Ensure you eat well and exercise, I know this is difficult when very depressed.  And try any sort of relaxation / mindfulness/ meditation if you can.  All these strategies should help whether it is the drugs that are the problem or if it is underlying depression.  That might be a more useful strategy rather than continually trying to figure out the exact cause of what is happening.  And perhaps put your marriage issues to the side until you feel you are in a position to think clearly about them unless of course your husband is putting pressure on you to make some decisions. 

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No he's not pressuring me to make any decisions. He seemingly trying to be very supportive but does not believe that it's the Ativan whatsoever and he refuses to watch videos or read benzo buddies or anything else to do any research about it.

I know what you're saying about the medication but I just feel like I'm at a point where I have to try something so I broke down and took 200 mg of SAM-e this morning. I'm hoping it's a lesser evil than an actual prescription antidepressant although it actually is a prescription antidepressant in other countries.

my only other option would be to try st. John's Wort but that takes so long to take effect I don't know if I have that long.

I just don't know if I am feeling normal depression or Worse depression I've never heard anybody describe it as being this horrific and life-changing and making you feel like you're literally losing your mind. I hear people say oh I was feeling down so I started taking an antidepressant. What they say they were sad so they had to go on something. I've never heard anybody say I laid in bed feeling like I was going to lose my mind.

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And this negative thinking!!  I realize that I lay here in ruminate about negative thought after negative thought. And I can't stop. I try so hard like unbelievably hard. I pray and I pray some more and then I pray some more but it's all negative everything in my head is negative. I can't remember anything happy. It's all doom and gloom. I just can't believe that it's six months out this is how I feel this cannot be from the Ativan still.
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I am sorry you are suffering so much.  I can totally understand that you are trying to figure out what is going on.  It seems to me that the Ativan made things considerably worse for you, whatever the problems you were dealing with before you were put on the drug.  You have then tried two different antidepressants and you have come off them.  That is quite a lot for your brain to deal with.  All this disruption to your brain chemistry will make it more difficult to try to deal with your marriage problems.

 

Medication can sometimes help people and they find they can then deal with the issues in their lives, but for many the opposite happens.  Certainly that is what happened to me.  I would hope that if you give it some time your symptoms may settle down and become more manageable.  Taking medication complicates matters so much .. and it is hugely difficult then to work out the effects of the medication, the effects of withdrawal, the original real life issues ... and then all these things interact and it is virtually impossible to know what is really going on.

 

Perhaps it is best to stop trying to figure out what is causing what and try to focus on strategies which will help you to cope.  Ensure you eat well and exercise, I know this is difficult when very depressed.  And try any sort of relaxation / mindfulness/ meditation if you can.  All these strategies should help whether it is the drugs that are the problem or if it is underlying depression.  That might be a more useful strategy rather than continually trying to figure out the exact cause of what is happening.  And perhaps put your marriage issues to the side until you feel you are in a position to think clearly about them unless of course your husband is putting pressure on you to make some decisions.

 

lookingforward put quite a lot of effort into this response, I think she said it just about the best possible way and that what she has said is totally true and applicable. You may be struggling just about as much as many of us here— I think that you may need to lean on your faith. The best ideas are what have been suggested, it’s great to post and I understand the need to talk to someone, but you may want to respect where your husband is at if you don’t want things to fall apart completely (or further.)

 

I know that all of that seems too easily said, but what other choices have you really? This looks like the bzd withdrawal I and many others here know, and quite honestly it is not a garden variety, average or even dark depression... it is an inhumane depression and an unnatural one, and quite frankly we are blessed if we survive.

 

I suggest going over to the faith board because you look like you have that, starting a blog and praying harder than you have ever prayed. I suggest what lookingforward has said and also trying to remember that we need people as we can get them sometimes, and to compromise and be grateful when they try and reach for you or brighten your day or add warmth in any way, and to be appreciative of them, or like most of us here have experienced in our personal lives...  you could loose what little they are capable of giving.

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Thank you, mon pilote, I was typing as you were typing and have more thoughts to offer ...

 

I can only really talk from my own personal experience and it was many years ago when I started on benzos.  The devastation to my mental health was horrendous .. yes I was depressed prior to taking it but it is a known depressant.  To give it to someone who is already depressed is asking for trouble, but of course I was prescribed it for myoclonic jerks.  Believe me, I have been in your position and I spent many years in your position.  I can still remember much of it though the memories are hazy now.  I totally understand your desperation, I know it well and it is then that we will clutch at any straw we can find.  That is all very well, but often these straws can make things worse.  I have only ever had constant negative thoughts since coming off Nitrazepam, I mean constant, every minute of every day .. for the first year or so . always there .. I had to keep occupied every single minute I was awake as it was the only way to cope with them. It was exhausting.  Constant puzzles, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, to distract my mind, but still they were there, that was entirely due to withdrawal.  I had many many years of depression I never had those constant thoughts that never went away.

 

I am so glad your husband is supportive.  That is a huge plus.  He doesn't believe it is the Ativan, well don't argue with him about that if it is only going to cause further trouble.  What does he think the problem is? Depression?  Well it could be a bit of many things .. insomnia, Ativan, cold turkey, marriage problems, antidepressants x 2, more withdrawal .. I would suggest strongly that the Ativan is a big factor but there is no way of proving it. 

 

If you did not have this negative thinking, the ruminating etc before the drugs, then the drugs are the most likely cause coupled with withdrawal effects.

 

The way you feel could certainly still be from the Ativan even at 6 months, I am not saying it is as I cannot know for sure, but i it is a very strong possibility.

 

The most important thing is that whatever the cause you can get better.  Most people recover from depression without medication.  Most people recover from benzo and A/D withdrawal.  I was never told that most people recover from depression .. even people who take medication continuously it is to prevent relapse .. it isn't because they are depressed all the time.  Most people only have one episode of major depression in their lifetime.  A small % have repeat episodes. 

 

You will remember happy things again ... you will feel positive again .. this will not go on for ever. 

 

If you are suicidal you need to seek professional help ... I know you have a psychiatrist ...

 

I don't know anything about SAM-e or its possible effects.  I do know about St John's Wort but not sure how effective it is.

 

 

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Also, getting in the sun during the day if at all possible, even 10-15 min. could help a lot. We get too closed in and can come up way too short on vit. D in withdrawal.

 

As much as it is the worst ever, sometimes we have to parent ourselves through the very worst times in life. We have to take responsibility for the facts of where we are at and accept them.

 

After accepting them we can make a decision about what kind of future we wish to have and try for that. Many times the only thing we have is ourselves and the spiritual, but to allow yourself to writhe helplessly out of control is not a choice toward life, it isn’t choosing life.

 

You have to speak life and choose life in this to a certain degree, or things just get much much darker. And you create too much work of saving and rescuing for others who may only be hanging on by a thread themselves (especially those closest to you.)

 

Mistakes and awful days are OK, we all make them and need to reach out. It’s what this forum is for, but sometimes we have to do for ourselves and make a choice of life or death. I hope you choose life in your thoughts, words and actions and in your heart. Just realize you will most likely need to keep doing it over and over and over again until the better days come. And you likely don’t get to decide when they do, that is about faith and trust and courage and heart and being a hero and a warrior.

 

And it really, really does help to focus on any little (even tiny) good thing. Just one small thing, and to reach out and give anything or do any minuscule kind little thing for someone else or yourself. We seriously do need to “keep the fire burning,” during this. It is the hardest thing most of us will ever do, but we do it because of what our friend looking said, we know it most likely will get much better someday.

 

Please think about the things in life that are going right... even though it hurts to hear that right now and seems impossible.

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Faith was the only thing that got me through my darkest days many years ago .. I no longer have that faith and I do not feel the need for it, but it can certainly be a huge support and comfort, that I do know.

 

I took medication for 40 years .. not one doctor ever told me I could recover .. I will never forgive them for that.

 

Perhaps they always knew I would not recover .. because I was on NITRAZEPAM. 

 

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Faith was the only thing that got me through my darkest days many years ago .. I no longer have that faith and I do not feel the need for it, but it can certainly be a huge support and comfort, that I do know.

 

I took medication for 40 years .. not one doctor ever told me I could recover .. I will never forgive them for that.

 

Perhaps they always knew I would not recover .. because I was on NITRAZEPAM.

 

Absolutely, lookingforward. I have respect for your determination and hey, whatever it takes to get through. My mother doesn’t have a faith, but she’s a fairly determined woman and she has survived hell on earth herself... but not niterazepam!

 

We have to do what our ancestors did, and grit our teeth and bear the worst sometimes, if we wish to survive.

 

It sounds harsh, but the reality is harsh, and we want you to make it.

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Thank you so much, I really appreciate that.  I am sorry your mother has had had such a struggle with life also.

 

I think HOPE is the most powerful thing ... and I hate to see so many people without HOPE ... that was taken away from me in my 20s ... and that was so very wrong and I was destined to a lifetime on drugs ... due to my own ignorance also of course.  I had absolutely no idea that most people recovered from depression ... I lived in the era when we were being told it was lifelong.

 

And of course most people recover from benzo withdrawal ...  but it is one of the hardest fights many of us will face. 

 

It really is about finding any possible strategy to get through it.  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

 

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Thank you so much, I really appreciate that.  I am sorry your mother has had had such a struggle with life also.

 

I think HOPE is the most powerful thing ... and I hate to see so many people without HOPE ... that was taken away from me in my 20s ... and that was so very wrong and I was destined to a lifetime on drugs ... due to my own ignorance also of course.  I had absolutely no idea that most people recovered from depression ... I lived in the era when we were being told it was lifelong.

 

And of course most people recover from benzo withdrawal ...  but it is one of the hardest fights many of us will face. 

 

It really is about finding any possible strategy to get through it.  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

 

Thank you looking, you sure do give HOPE!

 

So right, I’m in my 30’s and was always hearing the same, “if you have depression you have it for life.” With no breaks, basically. Well I found out on my own this is not true! In fact I feel it couldn’t be further from the truth, even if we have several episodes.

 

Thanks for care about Mom too, I think we women who’ve been single and struggled feel for each other and know how much it takes to face another day, get through it, and do it all over again. But life is worth it and sometimes I think you are too right about looking at what is right before us, under our noses in the sensory for comfort. Just doing things that add even a small amount more of meaning or ease, or entertain or distract. Like crosswords.

 

Not that men can’t have it hard too, or couples, or anyone for that matter...

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I'm reading and re-reading the responses that you guys wrote.  There just aren't words to say how grateful I am for you taking the time to construct such beautiful and supportive words.

The fact that you care about a total stranger says SO much about you.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Thing is . . .

I'm realizing (way to late) that SO much of how I'm feeling is because I'm HORRIBLE with self care.

I know how to take care of others.  I've done it all my life.  But me?  Never!  I don't know how to calm my brain down.

I don't know how to stop myself from reacting to my husband.  Like, my Mom deals with it with her husband and she says "would you rather be right, or happy?"  And for me, I can't just be a doormat and let someone speak to me or treat me a certain way . . . so I speak up.  But then all that does is leads to an argument.  And then after THAT I hold onto it like a resentment.

See.  It's ME that's the problem.  NOT my husband.

99% of the time he is FINE once a disagreement is over.  But I seethe.  I stew.

And I can't help but wonder if this is the root of these final symptoms . . . NOT the Benzo's. 

Or the Benzo's (and AD w/d) are SERIOUSLY exacerbating things.

I just don't know how to help myself.

I'm CONSTANTLY needing reassurance. 

If I didn't have any self control I probably would have 15 threads up in this forum right now.  All pretty much asking the same question(s) but in different words.

Everyone tells me "this too shall pass".  They say I won't be stuck like this forever.

I read posts over and over and over again in success stories that say that's a HUGE symptom... so I lean on it.

And then my mind goes back to "Nope, this is the new you, you have to suffer like this until you die".

And then I start realizing that if this IS the "new" me then I have to do something more about it then wait for time to pass.  I have to get on SOME kind of medication.

But THAT terrifies me.

See, I'm rambling.

I'm taking up time that whoever reading this will never get back.

Now the guilt starts.  I'm a failure.  Doom and gloom.

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP??????

 

I'm going to go listen to some meditation tapes.  I need to get out of my head. 

If I HAVEN'T lost my mind, I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't stop.

 

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I'm reading and re-reading the responses that you guys wrote.  There just aren't words to say how grateful I am for you taking the time to construct such beautiful and supportive words.

The fact that you care about a total stranger says SO much about you.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Thing is . . .

I'm realizing (way to late) that SO much of how I'm feeling is because I'm HORRIBLE with self care.

I know how to take care of others.  I've done it all my life.  But me?  Never!  I don't know how to calm my brain down.

I don't know how to stop myself from reacting to my husband.  Like, my Mom deals with it with her husband and she says "would you rather be right, or happy?"  And for me, I can't just be a doormat and let someone speak to me or treat me a certain way . . . so I speak up.  But then all that does is leads to an argument.  And then after THAT I hold onto it like a resentment.

See.  It's ME that's the problem.  NOT my husband.

99% of the time he is FINE once a disagreement is over.  But I seethe.  I stew.

And I can't help but wonder if this is the root of these final symptoms . . . NOT the Benzo's. 

Or the Benzo's (and AD w/d) are SERIOUSLY exacerbating things.

I just don't know how to help myself.

I'm CONSTANTLY needing reassurance. 

If I didn't have any self control I probably would have 15 threads up in this forum right now.  All pretty much asking the same question(s) but in different words.

Everyone tells me "this too shall pass".  They say I won't be stuck like this forever.

I read posts over and over and over again in success stories that say that's a HUGE symptom... so I lean on it.

And then my mind goes back to "Nope, this is the new you, you have to suffer like this until you die".

And then I start realizing that if this IS the "new" me then I have to do something more about it then wait for time to pass.  I have to get on SOME kind of medication.

But THAT terrifies me.

See, I'm rambling.

I'm taking up time that whoever reading this will never get back.

Now the guilt starts.  I'm a failure.  Doom and gloom.

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP??????

 

I'm going to go listen to some meditation tapes.  I need to get out of my head. 

If I HAVEN'T lost my mind, I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't stop.

 

Wow, you said all of that really well. That is beautifully written too, it opens up much more for thought and I think I can relate to some (or a lot) of the  things you are saying. I’m thankful you articulated these things. My own brain is a little funny right now, and has been, this whole processes does so much to our minds and hearts.  I would like to see how both of us are doing later on.  :'(

 

I really know the depression isn’t OK, I’m still fighting thoughts of ending it some days. That may not sound hopeful but I guess I didn’t want you (or anyone else) to see all this and think I was being glib.

:smitten: hang in there and I will also try.

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Everything Fiona says.

 

"The most important thing is that whatever the cause

you can WILL get better."

 

Keep working it, Fakeit

And

You will conquer

Wobble by wobble by wobble  ;)

 

 

 

 

:smitten:      :therethere:          :smitten:

 

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Sorry too, if my “tough love” is too tough. Sometimes I’ve received that and I hated it, but it ended up helping me the most. Maybe that is just me though, and I need to be careful. It hurt, and it helped, and it is also hard to for me to follow.

 

I think I needed more discipline and tough love in life, balanced with the softer and freer approach I received. I should watch that, but at the same time it’s difficult for me to know because of what I stated. Oh well, we all try and learn every day I guess.

 

I just personally benefit from things being more defined and straightforward many times, but I should also be cautious about it with others and myself.

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I'm reading and re-reading the responses that you guys wrote.  There just aren't words to say how grateful I am for you taking the time to construct such beautiful and supportive words.

The fact that you care about a total stranger says SO much about you.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Thing is . . .

I'm realizing (way to late) that SO much of how I'm feeling is because I'm HORRIBLE with self care.

I know how to take care of others.  I've done it all my life.  But me?  Never!  I don't know how to calm my brain down.

I don't know how to stop myself from reacting to my husband.  Like, my Mom deals with it with her husband and she says "would you rather be right, or happy?"  And for me, I can't just be a doormat and let someone speak to me or treat me a certain way . . . so I speak up.  But then all that does is leads to an argument.  And then after THAT I hold onto it like a resentment.

See.  It's ME that's the problem.  NOT my husband.

99% of the time he is FINE once a disagreement is over.  But I seethe.  I stew.

And I can't help but wonder if this is the root of these final symptoms . . . NOT the Benzo's. 

Or the Benzo's (and AD w/d) are SERIOUSLY exacerbating things.

I just don't know how to help myself.

I'm CONSTANTLY needing reassurance. 

If I didn't have any self control I probably would have 15 threads up in this forum right now.  All pretty much asking the same question(s) but in different words.

Everyone tells me "this too shall pass".  They say I won't be stuck like this forever.

I read posts over and over and over again in success stories that say that's a HUGE symptom... so I lean on it.

And then my mind goes back to "Nope, this is the new you, you have to suffer like this until you die".

And then I start realizing that if this IS the "new" me then I have to do something more about it then wait for time to pass.  I have to get on SOME kind of medication.

But THAT terrifies me.

See, I'm rambling.

I'm taking up time that whoever reading this will never get back.

Now the guilt starts.  I'm a failure.  Doom and gloom.

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP??????

 

I'm going to go listen to some meditation tapes.  I need to get out of my head. 

If I HAVEN'T lost my mind, I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't stop.

 

Wow, you said all of that really well. That is beautifully written too, it opens up much more for thought and I think I can relate to some (or a lot) of the  things you are saying. I’m thankful you articulated these things. My own brain is a little funny right now, and has been, this whole processes does so much to our minds and hearts.  I would like to see how both of us are doing later on.  :'(

 

I really know the depression isn’t OK, I’m still fighting thoughts of ending it some days. That may not sound hopeful but I guess I didn’t want you (or anyone else) to see all this and think I was being glib.

:smitten: hang in there and I will also try.

 

We HAVE to get through this!!  We WILL get through this.  It's just a matter of "how" and "how long will it take".

One of my Docs basically told me that I'm the kind of person that HAS to have answers (he said because I'm so intelligent - but I think he was blowing smoke up my butt) and when I don't/can't find a concrete answer, then I get anxiety and I work myself up over it - searching and searching.

It couldn't be truer.

 

So, what's everyone's opinion on Sam-E?? 

 

Mon Pilote - are you taking anything??  I will look at your siggy after I click post.

Thank you so much again.  Please, don't think you need to apologize.

I NEED TOUGH LOVE!!!  I hope my replies or posts didn't make you think I took offense to anything you said.  i didn't!  If anyone should apologize it's me for not being able to read your advice and put it into action better to make myself better.  Know what I mean??

Your advice is absolutely fantastic.  I just need to take it and use it (along with so much else I've been told by so many people).

 

HUGS and MORE HUGS . . . and then HUGS on top of that!

 

 

 

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I'm reading and re-reading the responses that you guys wrote.  There just aren't words to say how grateful I am for you taking the time to construct such beautiful and supportive words.

The fact that you care about a total stranger says SO much about you.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Thing is . . .

I'm realizing (way to late) that SO much of how I'm feeling is because I'm HORRIBLE with self care.

I know how to take care of others.  I've done it all my life.  But me?  Never!  I don't know how to calm my brain down.

I don't know how to stop myself from reacting to my husband.  Like, my Mom deals with it with her husband and she says "would you rather be right, or happy?"  And for me, I can't just be a doormat and let someone speak to me or treat me a certain way . . . so I speak up.  But then all that does is leads to an argument.  And then after THAT I hold onto it like a resentment.

See.  It's ME that's the problem.  NOT my husband.

99% of the time he is FINE once a disagreement is over.  But I seethe.  I stew.

And I can't help but wonder if this is the root of these final symptoms . . . NOT the Benzo's. 

Or the Benzo's (and AD w/d) are SERIOUSLY exacerbating things.

I just don't know how to help myself.

I'm CONSTANTLY needing reassurance. 

If I didn't have any self control I probably would have 15 threads up in this forum right now.  All pretty much asking the same question(s) but in different words.

Everyone tells me "this too shall pass".  They say I won't be stuck like this forever.

I read posts over and over and over again in success stories that say that's a HUGE symptom... so I lean on it.

And then my mind goes back to "Nope, this is the new you, you have to suffer like this until you die".

And then I start realizing that if this IS the "new" me then I have to do something more about it then wait for time to pass.  I have to get on SOME kind of medication.

But THAT terrifies me.

See, I'm rambling.

I'm taking up time that whoever reading this will never get back.

Now the guilt starts.  I'm a failure.  Doom and gloom.

HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP??????

 

I'm going to go listen to some meditation tapes.  I need to get out of my head. 

If I HAVEN'T lost my mind, I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't stop.

 

Wow, you said all of that really well. That is beautifully written too, it opens up much more for thought and I think I can relate to some (or a lot) of the  things you are saying. I’m thankful you articulated these things. My own brain is a little funny right now, and has been, this whole processes does so much to our minds and hearts.  I would like to see how both of us are doing later on.  :'(

 

I really know the depression isn’t OK, I’m still fighting thoughts of ending it some days. That may not sound hopeful but I guess I didn’t want you (or anyone else) to see all this and think I was being glib.

:smitten: hang in there and I will also try.

 

We HAVE to get through this!!  We WILL get through this.  It's just a matter of "how" and "how long will it take".

One of my Docs basically told me that I'm the kind of person that HAS to have answers (he said because I'm so intelligent - but I think he was blowing smoke up my butt) and when I don't/can't find a concrete answer, then I get anxiety and I work myself up over it - searching and searching.

It couldn't be truer.

 

So, what's everyone's opinion on Sam-E?? 

 

Mon Pilote - are you taking anything??  I will look at your siggy after I click post.

Thank you so much again.  Please, don't think you need to apologize.

I NEED TOUGH LOVE!!!  I hope my replies or posts didn't make you think I took offense to anything you said.  i didn't!  If anyone should apologize it's me for not being able to read your advice and put it into action better to make myself better.  Know what I mean??

Your advice is absolutely fantastic.  I just need to take it and use it (along with so much else I've been told by so many people).

 

HUGS and MORE HUGS . . . and then HUGS on top of that!

 

Feels like I met a new benzo buddy to put on my buddy list today.  :)

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Throwing down a few videos regarding those magic words "Mindful" and "Acceptance".  I didn't realize there's actually a therapy for it called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or Monitor and Acceptance Therapy (MAT).  Strategies for how to get out of the crazy monkey cage (your mind/rumination) and, instead, just watch the monkeys (your thoughts) as an interested but emotionally detached observer.

 

Human Emotion 18.2: Emotions and Health II (Mindfulness)

https://youtu.be/4HUh_22jKnI

 

What Is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?

Ask The Expert - What is ACT (or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)

 

Jon Kabat-Zinn Mindfulness 9 attitudes - acceptance

 

I'd suggest pushing your expectations waaayyy out to at least another full year to make a full recovery.  Not that it will take that long but, psychologically, for the sake of settling into acceptance and taking the pressure off of yourself, I'd say you need to allow for at least that length of time.

 

Last thought to reiterate.  You're very recently off of a very rapid taper of five months of SSRIs.  When your mind is feeling this cray cray, the chances of it being med/withdrawal related are very high, imo.  Compound that with all your other stressful events over the past year or so, and you're left with a very highly sensitized nervous system.  I wouldn't obsess with giving it a name (e.g. depression), just leave it at that, it's good enough, and it's within your control to help calm it down.  Keep filling up that Tool Box of Calmness.

 

What are you doing today to get out of the house? 

 

Do you golf or have you ever wanted to learn?  Driving range or golf lessons?

 

Bake fancy cupcakes/cookies or learn to make sock monkeys or little care packages and take them to shelters or retirement homes, etc.  Discuss with your church organizations or people in need.  Something this small to us can mean the world to the less fortunate and it gives you a sense of purpose every day and fulfillment knowing you're doing something wonderful for others and getting out of your head.  Try and get creative/resourceful.  I think in your situation you'd do best with a structured daily routine where you're kept very busy.

 

Finally, as MP has stated, try and be grateful for all the bullets you have dodged.  This may seem like sheer Hell to you but, you do know from all you've read, you could've been hit with far, far, FAR worse!

 

My two cents.

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Walking. Checking the neighbors puppies. Mom and Dad are here now doing a jigsaw puzzle with me and my brain is going to explode.

I just keep pushing pieces around looking like I know what I'm doing. Ugh.

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Thanks so much ABCD.  I will check out all those links.

 

I'm trying to focus on the tv.  It's the news that's on.  It's impossible.

I can't do the jigsaw puzzle.

I went for another walk.  I felt disconnected from my neighborhood.

Is this how everyone with depression feels??  I seriously always thought it was a feeling of sadness, even hopelessness, that can turn into suicidal.  But I never imagined it was this debilitating, that you feel like you've seriously lost your mind, that you're going to go insane, never be the same again, can't process practically ANYTHING (I'm surprised I can type this). I can't remember what I did yesterday or really everything I did this morning.  I couldn't remember my conversation with my husband or why it went so bad.

My heart literally BREAKS for anyone/everyone going through this. i can't believe that with how many people are on antidepressents (and how many more that aren't) that are suffering from this???  HOLY CRAP.  I lived my life for 52 years oblivious that there were SO many people suffering to this level!!  Maybe this is God's calling for me to get through this and then find some kind of work helping people with depression/anxiety. 

 

 

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I texted with my doc today and she said NOT to do Sam-E because it's not good for my heart.

 

She said YES to try 5HTP

 

I read a ton of reviews online and I'm hopeful it will at least take an edge off with 50mg.

 

Opinions?  Has anybody else tried it?

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Fakeit,

 

I am saying this with love and out of the fact that I am a little bit like you...

 

You are a person who thinks a lot. Over and over again. This is no illness its a character. A type of person.

Such people tend to analyze and to talk and talk and write and read and re-read. Like analysts or students. We need to get AAAAAALLLL informations and then we compare and figure out and make plans..

 

Am I right?

 

The only problem is that an overactive mind cannot calm down an overactive mind with an overactive mind.  :laugh:

Thats why I found out that MY BODY is the only one who can make my brain stop.

 

Shortly: If your inside is going crazy, you need your outside to calm you down.

Thats why we start struggling with partners and family then.

 

Better ways are all things that make you sweat or unable to think: Walk/run/dance/learn choreographies or movements for which you have to concentrate to do them, clean the house with a brush, I do not know, but please - do not toss and turn in bed!

 

You are smart, you noticed everything that is important to feel better.

Its not important if your situation is depression or whatever! Its important that you have thoughts in your mind , that you are overthinking and turning and tossing in your bed. Thats all you need to know. Work with that!

And please! You really thought you would walk ONE time or 2, and feel better????? Hellohohooo??? :idiot:

With pills anyone understands it needs time to create levels but when it comes to strategies everyone wants to have an healing effect right now.

 

Be brave! Find out which workout fits for you and practice  - it needs time!

What did you do as a kid to be in a flow state? Building sandcastles? Running? Rope skipping? Anything? Try the "old stuff", sometimes the brain even remembers that and the effect will be faster.

 

Stop wondering which word or diagnosis you suffer from. Start to find out what helps  - no matter what. Be wild and curious! Be a bad girl! Try new things! Why not? Nothing else can be worse than withdrawal!! You have already begun to find out what will help you, thats amazing and thats the reason why I think you will feel better soon. - just stop this spiraling with the brain -

 

1001 Hugs from

Marigold

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Fakeit,

 

I am saying this with love and out of the fact that I am a little bit like you...

 

You are a person who thinks a lot. Over and over again. This is no illness its a character. A type of person.

Such people tend to analyze and to talk and talk and write and read and re-read. Like analysts or students. We need to get AAAAAALLLL informations and then we compare and figure out and make plans..

 

Am I right?

 

The only problem is that an overactive mind cannot calm down an overactive mind with an overactive mind.  :laugh:

Thats why I found out that MY BODY is the only one who can make my brain stop.

 

Shortly: If your inside is going crazy, you need your outside to calm you down.

Thats why we start struggling with partners and family then.

 

Better ways are all things that make you sweat or unable to think: Walk/run/dance/learn choreographies or movements for which you have to concentrate to do them, clean the house with a brush, I do not know, but please - do not toss and turn in bed!

 

You are smart, you noticed everything that is important to feel better.

Its not important if your situation is depression or whatever! Its important that you have thoughts in your mind , that you are overthinking and turning and tossing in your bed. Thats all you need to know. Work with that!

And please! You really thought you would walk ONE time or 2, and feel better????? Hellohohooo??? :idiot:

With pills anyone understands it needs time to create levels but when it comes to strategies everyone wants to have an healing effect right now.

 

Be brave! Find out which workout fits for you and practice  - it needs time!

What did you do as a kid to be in a flow state? Building sandcastles? Running? Rope skipping? Anything? Try the "old stuff", sometimes the brain even remembers that and the effect will be faster.

 

Stop wondering which word or diagnosis you suffer from. Start to find out what helps  - no matter what. Be wild and curious! Be a bad girl! Try new things! Why not? Nothing else can be worse than withdrawal!! You have already begun to find out what will help you, thats amazing and thats the reason why I think you will feel better soon. - just stop this spiraling with the brain -

 

1001 Hugs from

Marigold

 

This is so spot on it's ridiculous! LOL!

You described me to a t.  I think that's why I go through spurts of being addicted to BB (like recently).  My mind is SO overactive but reading and typing and reading and typing keep my mind occupied.  Cleaning the house is hard because then I think think think.  When I walk I try to listen to audible, but sometimes my teenager kidnaps my headbuds on her way out for the school bus because she can't find hers. haha!

 

 

If I could get a grip on this I will be worlds ahead.  Again this morning . . . I woke up feeling so hopeful this morning (which is a huge improvement for me) but as I shower, get dressed, put on makeup (yes! makeup!) and start to move about my day, my thoughts are ALL about "how am I feeling".  "Is this a window?  is it going to close?""  And so on and so forth.  I keep saying "is this what I would be doing and how I would be feeling if I was my "old" self??"

 

"Uh oh, is that the depression closing in again?".  "I have to drive today, how do I feel about that?".

 

 

HOW LONG BEFORE I STOP THINKING ABOUT IT?? 

 

 

In the shower I used mindfulness/awareness.  It helped.  But it only works for so long and then my brain is in full control again.  But, whose brain is it? MINE.  Why can't I control it?

 

 

Will my mind slow down as I heal more?? 

Is that PART of healing?

 

Is this symptom PART of withdrawal?

 

Ohhhhhhhh, so many questions for such a beautiful morning.  I am SO grateful to feel hopeful today and the sunshine looks beautiful.  I woke up today from an almost week wave the was horrendous.  I'm just so worried it's all going to dissolve on me again.  I TOTALLY get why some people just vanish into thin air from here . . . not wanting to bring up old feelings if they are in a window.  And one day they have a window that lasts forever and they just never come back. 

 

 

Enough rambling for one morning.  ON WITH THE DAY!!  :) 

4

 

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