Plz buddies tell me how the withdrawal depression feels like for you 😢

Hi posted in the other threads no one replied. I really need to hear from you buddies before I make a decision on taking any ADs.

 

So this is what happened to me; I was going through the physical symptoms more than emotional ones until I cut my xanax to 0.0625mg. After 3 days cut I got this horrible depression which comes and goes like a panic attack. When it happens I feel like this is the end of me and I have no way out I am depressed and need to start taking ADs. I would start crying forcing my self to cry to feel better and end up with a sore head. During these moments I get a horrible feeling of sadness and lose hope totally. I have never had such a thing in the past. Is this withdrawal or depression. I don't want to get worse. I feel I want to go to a deep silence and become blank whenever I get these episodes. Plz plz let me know your thoughts

 

Thanks

 

I quit Klonopin cold turkey in March because I was taking a very small dose, or at least what I thought was a small dose. It turns out, I shouldn't have done that. Anyway, within five days I was having the darkest thoughts I had ever had in my life. It seemed to get better in May but all the feelings of depression, anhedonia, dark thoughts, etc resurfaced in June and have persisted through the summer. I have had little improvements during this time, but I still don't feel one hundred percent.

 

I have asked myself repeatedly whether or not taking ADs would help, and most people on this forum have urged against it. I've tried a few 50 mg 5-HTP supplements during the summer and it did help my mood but gave me headaches and lightheadedness. Anyway, at five months off, I'm still wondering how long I should go before starting Prozac, which one doctor recommended after an hour of explaining my situation.

 

I can say that I've never had depression this bad in the past. Well I've had some depression based on life circumstances, it's never been to this level. Again, I'm not sure about taking ADs at this point. I may lose all the progress I've made, if I've made any, in improving my depression. When my thoughts get really bad and obsessive, I usually cry and my wife is usually around to help me during this. Sometimes I start to exercise during this. Not sure what else to do to improve the depression at this point. I usually feel the worst in the mornings and feel slight let ups throughout the day.

I honestly think that depression is part of the recovery.  We ALL seem to have it.  And that doomed feeling for sure during Acute.  Mine has lightened significantly with lots of rest and time and acceptance.  Hang in there  - it will get better. Try not to fight it.  It is a feeling (that hits you very hard).

Am terribly sorry for what you are going through. It is not uncommon from what you describe - the intense, deep, dark, depressed to a critical point. For me it's been what I call - profound sadness. but that was prior to the Benzo w/d. But since the w/d, i was bed ridden - first 4~6 months - insomnia, anxiety, intrusive thoughts - which just cause my mood, self esteem to take a nose dive to where I felt (as per intrusive thoughts), my life was one of tragedy and of course it's not easy to resist what the thoughts are saying. Along with it goes the suicide ideations, which is also not so uncommon. Doesn't help that losing everyone in my family just in the last decade, including my brother to suicide. It's been 2 years since the rapid detox but coming off a pretty high dosage (6~8mg/day Klonopin), so I expect it will quite a while yet. Has been/is still, the nightmare of a lifetime - for sure. I don't know what to advise regarding the AD since that's for a professional - hopefully someone that actually knows about this wretched stuff. I was already on Effexor XR, Gabapentin and Seroquel since before the detox - Seroquel being the only one I stopped same time as the Klonopin. I expect I will continue on the psyche meds at least as far as the Benzo w/d.

Catt,  I am just full of awe and respect for you based on what you have been through and continue to suffer and yet you are here posting support for others and accepting that your healing process is sways from over. You are very, very strong. I admire your attitude and your grace.  Take care.

I am getting low in my taper to the point where I'd like to jump off the K soon.  I've had a lot depressive days especially the past two days.  The depression has come and gone a bit and the depression is bad.  There were a few days not consecutive, during the worst of my w/d symptoms, when I was deep deep down.  It is always bad to a critical point so I don't know how else to characterize it so people can understand where I'm at.  I surrender and cry through it and choose to believe that it is because of the medication leaving my system for now.  My thoughts are telling me it is me and my previous depression is coming back and I won't be able to make it with anything in my system, etc.  (I stopped my AD back in April.)  I truly think though, it was no longer working and the side effects were too difficult for me and if I have to live this way, I'm gonna do it without medication.  I almost don't want to admit bc of how wretched I feel toward myself but there may be a chance for me if I can just wait it out.  I function without so I've proven to myself that I can at least survive.  It's only up from here I reckon.  Exercise helps but not much else.  I'm in therapy working with CBT and ACT methods so am trying to change my relationship with the difficult thinking and feelings I'm going through.  It's hard.

 

I hear you and I'm going through this too.  I can't know what would be best for you but the above is my thinking on it right now.  I hope it is helpful in some way.  Please hang in there and come here for support.  There are people who care.

Catt,  I am just full of awe and respect for you based on what you have been through and continue to suffer and yet you are here posting support for others and accepting that your healing process is sways from over. You are very, very strong. I admire your attitude and your grace.  Take care.

 

Leslie - thank you so kindly! I do for therapy! Just connecting with others on here eases my mind and hopefully I can help someone else from my perspective. I don't think of myself as a tough guy, in fact I only do what I can under the circumstances. I've definitely needed BB all along - especially at times when I could not even type a single word. I'd say there would be no chance I'd of made it this far had I not stumbled onto it. Am truly grateful for you guys!!

I've never experienced something like this before. I think it's a combination of benzos and my life situation. Usually, in a wave, I start with akathisia + terror + depression and very dark thoughts. Then it's terror and dark thoughts. Then it'd just dark thoughts. I try to cope by telling myself that each day I've made one step forward, but it's very hard.

Thanks everyone.

 

It's a horrible feeling and I hope it goes away soon. I really wish you all a relief from these symptoms. My brain feels so exhausted that it's hard to use it for tasks needing it during my day. I know why cause it's analysing, questioning and fighting a lot. On the other hand it's healing trying to get back to normal and balancing everything. I reached to the point that I do think we are actually going through the anxiety attacks which leads us to deep sorrow and feels like overwhelming as we don't know why and how long would we have to go throw this... We might not have all the stages in a panic attack to name it as a panic attack but we do experience one or two of the symptoms.  Before we would have a sudden extreme panic attack (feeling of faint, heart palpitation, hot flushes or feeling cold, tight chest, shaking and extreme fatigue) now it's spread out throught our day with only the first and last stage of the attack. The first stage the feeling of faint or extreme sadness or depersonalisation are actually a start of a panic attack but because we are healed "to some extend" during the benzo withdrawal we wouldn't go through the other stages of the panic attack. Or the less benzo we take the more stages we are skipping during a panic episode.  And we are more stronger and aware of the attacks to not let it go further to make us have the frights accompanied with palpitations, breath problems and shaking.

 

The other symptoms are just the anxiety disorder caused by our unconscious thinking or worries of another attack or our upsetting situation which takes away our sleep, our appetite, gives us tensions and internal tremor. And it's all cause by two triggers the benzo itself and the things in our lives that are upsetting us.

 

None of us deserve these unintentional changes in our brain. I really hope these benzos will be banned one day. They should only be used once in a trauma where the person has been exposed to something overwhelming or unexpected to stop them from any harm to their health or shocks.

 

This is how I convince myself 😔 so I would carry on surviving the brutal withdrawal. Even crying is tough during this time. I have no power to shed some tears...

I am battling depression SO hard right now.  This is the last remaining symptom for me (anxiety/depression).

I have NEVER had a depressive episode in my life until now.  I had driving "apprehension", but never had a panic attack in the 52 years of my life either.

But with this being the last symptom to leave (well, now it's causing my insomnia to return a bit).

Because of this, I'm having a hard time wondering if this entire experience didn't CAUSE me to get depression/anxiety and this is how I will be for the rest of my life now.

Everyone tells me I will get better; that I won't be like this forever.

But then you go online and see depression forums and hear people say "I've dealt with this my whole life" and I think WOW, I COULD be like this for the rest of my life.

And the cycle begins again.

This morning I actually took 200mg of Sam-E to finally try it because I'm absolutely adamant that I don't want to go back onto an AD.  I feel Lexapro made my depression worse after a few months.

I also wonder if the depression/anxiety I am experiencing is w/d from the AD.

I was on Lexapro from January 23rd until May 24th when I was switched to Pristiq.  I think weened off the Pristiq and took my last AD on July 10th.

Could the depression/anxiety I'm now experience be from that?  I'm now 41 days since my last AD.

 

In any case, I'm utterly confused, scared, lost, and don't know which way to turn.  I feel like I'm pushing everyone in my life away with my "problems".

Nobody thinks it could still be the Ativan (I'm less than a week away from six months off).

 

I keep searching for answers everywhere and then tell myself the only one with the answers is me (to beat the depression), but i can't seem to figure out what to do to beat it.

Before this, I was a successful business owner, Mom, friend, Sister, Aunt, etc . . . I was the STRONG ONE in the family.

Now I am the one having "problems".

 

I want my life back.  I want the old me back.

 

I feel for everybody in this thread. FakeIt, I feel like the only symptoms I have left is depression too. I was five months off Klonopin yesterday. I have not taken any additional medication since then, and I am still battling depression every day. It is bad again today. It gets so bad that I constantly wonder how much of this was a preexisting condition and how much is from the benzo now. I have actually considered going on an AD because of all this. Please let me know how the Sam-E works for you. I've tried 5-HTP but it gave me a bad headache and lightheadedness.

 

I also want my old life back desperately. My condition is basically all I think and talk about. It consumes me. I did not feel like this before.

I feel for everybody in this thread. FakeIt, I feel like the only symptoms I have left is depression too. I was five months off Klonopin yesterday. I have not taken any additional medication since then, and I am still battling depression every day. It is bad again today. It gets so bad that I constantly wonder how much of this was a preexisting condition and how much is from the benzo now. I have actually considered going on an AD because of all this. Please let me know how the Sam-E works for you. I've tried 5-HTP but it gave me a bad headache and lightheadedness.

 

I also want my old life back desperately. My condition is basically all I think and talk about. It consumes me. I did not feel like this before.

 

I replied to your PM!  We can do this.  We do sound identical; just a month between us. 

So far the Sam-E seems to have helped a little bit today, but I still feel the "off" feeling that I don't know what it is. (Depression?  Anxiety?  DP/DR?)…. I don't even know any more at this point.  I just know my brain isn't working.  I don't feel on the verge of a panic attack though.