Just need some kind words

So I’m almost 15 months off, things are much better than they were at the beginning of the wave yet I worry that I am not healing fast enough and everyday I wake up thinking if this is as good as it gets? Then I think it can’t be because I had several months of feeling 100% everyday filled with no panic and no fear, only happiness and joy so that has to come back at some point right?

 

I’m just so scared because it’s now four months into this wave and it just feels like it will never end, I never felt like this prior to benzos so I’m really hoping I won’t feel like this forever. I can tell I am

Not myself, my executive functioning and mental strength just aren’t there, I’m not the real me right now, I am usually so passionate and driven and motivated and right now I feel like a scared and pathetic person with no hope for a better future. I’m trying to hang onto hope and I get greedy, like I see positive changes and think “why isn’t it happening faster?”, how do you stop doing that?

I don’t know. This process really sucks. I had a perfect life before benzos and now I am a shell of the man I used to be. It is hard to cope at times but I keep reading success stories and they keep me going. I don’t get windows at 100% but I’d say they are probably abt 50 to 60% and that also gives me some hope that I will eventually return to my former self. I went through alcohol withdrawals a few years ago and it was bad and I thought I was doomed. Same symptoms as benzo withdrawals but they only lasted for a couple weeks and just faded away. I thought to myself afterwards thank god I never have to feel like that again. WRONG!!!! After it went away it was the greatest feeling getting myself back. Well here I am still waiting to get myself back again. It will pass it just takes so loooong! Hang in there. It will be behind us someday.

Yes this is the hardest thing I have ever been through precisely because of the unknown and the question “when will it end”?  I guess we just have to believe it will end and it will end when it is good and ready lol.  I have heavy metal toxicity which I am told is making things worse. I understand how you feel about the wave ending. The ups and downs always take me by surprise.  I try to think of the things that have gone away like the screaming tinnitus and hold onto hope for all of us.  God bless you.

In my opinion slow healing is solid healing and I prefer it. Slowly but surely you get better your brain is geared towards healing. I have been on benzo for over 25 years and am over 3 years off and slow healing is the most stable and wonderful thing.

Songbird,

 

The fact that you are healing is great. You cannot make it go any faster than its going to go. I know how it feels to be feeling 100 percent and doing your life and get sucked back into a wave. I went from 60 to zero. Just stick with the process. The fact that you were healed means that your body knows how to heal. At least you have this confirmation. Some people go years without any signs of progress before they finally heal. This obviously isn't you. you are young and in the future this will be but a mere bad dream. Its common in Benzo withdrawal to have a setback that feels like healing never really happened. Many people say that this is the one last hurrah of the nervous system before they truly get well. Try to reframe your thinking to this is the final lap of your healing. Once this is complete you will be healthy and happy for good and done with the benzo nightmare.

 

 

Have you thought of discussing this with a therapist? Sometimes it can help you get through the fear of this lasting forever, which it won't. You also want to rule out if you are having something else going on, like a depression. It can't hurt to just talk. Remember, YOU have the final say in whatever treatment they suggest.  I hope you feel better soon. We all get these nasty waves and they tend to dissipate. Just please make sure that you are okay depression-wise.

    You are going to be okay.  Hugs .... NewMoon

The fact that you have seen the light, and that it lasted several months is proof that you will heal!!! The only way out is through, try to reduce your activity and output to the bare minimum and take extra care of yourself; with this mindset once the required time has passed you will make it to that magical last and permanent window! Keep those good months in mind as your hope and faith that it will happen.

thank you guys for all of the responses I appreciate it, I just feel like I've lost myself in all of this, I can't remember really what I like or who I am and all of that. I just hope the real me is still in here somewhere. I look at pictures of myself from even 6 months ago when I felt "healed" and I can't connect with that person, I am really hoping that this wave and setback was just from horrible severe stress.

 

I mean a lawsuit where I had to defend my character, I have told my business partner and best friend I was getting off of klonopin after taking it as prescribed, he used that in court to say I was a drug addict and not fit to run a company, and then my little sister got sick and is still sick, horrible autoimmune issue and can't talk.

 

We thought she was dying which luckily now she isn't but she still can't talk. I didn't sleep for almost a week, was drinking a ton of coffee to function and see her in the hospital and became the main support system for my parents who were crumbling seeing my sister go through this. I cracked and I broke and I thought I was over benzo withdrawal but obviously I wasn't you know.

 

I just truly can't believe that one medication can do this to a person that just blows my mind, but I keep hearing time and time again that we all heal and I want to believe that and hold onto that you know and just keep my hopes up and stay positive. I was supposed to have taken my honeymoon right when this wave started but obviously couldn't go, here's to hoping I can make it to Mexico sometime this year again and celebrate

Songbird, that's an amazing amount of stress for anyone to go through. I'm sorry your friend let you down and I hope your sister turns a better corner soon, too. Just one of those things could have caused a setback, much less both of them. I understand what you're going through because the same thing (stress) happened to me, though I guess I told you that already. Point is, it's just a setback. It's going to suck for awhile and eventually it will get better. Everything you feel is normal. I think I have the same symptoms. I have bad days, too, and feel hopeless, but they always get better. Hang on to that.

You're absolutely not alone you will heal. The only real window I ever felt was in month 3 and I was for sure that I was done. It's kind of just been hell ever since, but I've had certain days where it wasn't quite as bad and distraction was easy. But I got hit really hard at about month 11, which has lasted to where I'm at now in month 14. It's just constant fear, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, hyper-awareness and hyper-vigilance with some OCD sprinkled in. I've been feeling the very same as you, worried that this might be as good as it gets and dealing with that struggle against my own mind as to why this is taking so long.

 

Hang in there, this will end.

Hi songbird, the symptoms you’ve described I have been struggling with myself. I’m 13 months off and i am a shadow of my former self. This latest wave I’m in has me thrown into a deep dark depression, probably one of the worst it’s ever been, coupled with my usual brain fog, intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Mental symptoms are definitely worse than physical at the moment. I think one of the things that’s so frustrating when you’ve past the one year mark is that it’s been going on for so long and, at least during waves, it seems like improvements are coming at a snails pace. I don’t really have a life anymore, to be honest just doing something simple like meet a friend for lunch is really stressful for me nowadays I rarely do it, will I be in a wave? What if my anxiety flares up when I’m out? I worry about everything so much I usually make an excuse and just opt to stay home.

You mentioned you had a couple of months where you felt almost healed, that’s got to be a good sign. All I’ve had is windows that last 2 or 3 days and I only get them every 2 months or so. I actually had one last week, it was beautiful, I drove out to the beach had a nice lunch and walked along in the sand, I felt normal, just like I used to, I wasn’t consumed with this inner monologue of anxious thoughts and have this oppressive sense that something terrible is going to happen, I just lived in the moment and enjoyed the day. I don’t know why I can’t just get back to that feeling, but one day I will. I used to be a mostly happy person, I know it may take a while to get back to that, but I’ll get there, and you will too. 

I am echoing Sunshine's response as I think she is right on.  Songbird,  you are healing and that is great!  Talking to a therapist at this point could help as well as these symptoms have definitely returned due to stress.  I am so sorry about this and although I am glad that you fought for yourself; I am learning that our brains are fragile and avoiding anything possible that causes undue stress is critical to our recovery.  You are brave to post that you felt healed six months ago and then come back to explain your current situation.  While we are very sad for you, it is a gift to us to know what our future can hold in the long-term so that we don't freak out when it happens to us.  Do you think you are better able to understand what your sister is going through after what you have been through?  Knowing that you can NOT control her health, being compassionate with her could help YOU to heal as you know how much she is suffering from your own experience.  If she can't talk; you can still help make her feel more comfortable by directing her care accordingly (not stressing about it but being her advocate).  Take care of YOU first (like the airplane and oxygen mask) and then just as you have been doing here on this support group; help her to heal as it will help you.  Thank you for being so honest and all of your support.  Please don't give up on yourself as we need you.

aw hang in there songbird.

i get pissed at this withdrawal when i see good people like you step into the light then ugh to get dragged back into it, just freakin cruel.

 

BUT, the fact that you felt as good as you did for that amount of time is SUPER DUPER positive, and really proof that you WILL feel better. it really is. i know its frustrating as hell otherwise though ugh. but im really hopeful about your situation, you proven to yourself that goodness is on the way.

 

you hang in there to liveabove, these waves that pummel us just when we think we should be better are so damn hard to endure.

 

i tell people, meh, i suppose my baseline is better, even in the dark times, but my stamina is shot, just totally shot, mentally and physically, and that makes it as hard as ever.

 

please hang in there everyone

Thats ultimately the worst side effect. Not being yourself. Depersonalisation. How long does it last before we get back to our happy go lucky selves? Hey SB-i urge you to read the success story of lostdog. Guaranteed to bring you hope. I wish you well

Hi Songbird127, I'm pretty much in the same time frame as you, I will be 15 months out in three weeks.  I can totally relate to what you're saying, yesterday I had a wonderful 2-hour window in the evening, but today I don't feel so great.  It's a constant 'give and take' - it doesn't seem fair.  Like someone said here before, healing is slow, albeit it's solid.  I have to adopt this mental approach.  Hope you feel better.