Permanent Benzo Damage? This Is Not Fun

I Did It I am Benzo Free!

Way to Go Mikey!

 

That's great news, and you should be really proud of yourself.  Now just sit back and let the healing take place.

Congratulations!    Let the healing begin, Mikey!!!

 

You've been though so much, I don't think you'll experience anything worse than what you've already tolerated. You know you can do it. You've made it this far, so hang in there.

Be good to yourself. And give yourself a break and try not to worry quite so much. You're not dying, even though it feels like it. You don't need to figure it all out in order to heal. You just need to continue to let time pass and you will heal.

 

Best of luck, Mikey. Hang in there, 

 

Albie

I Did It I am Benzo Free!

 

Thats great!

Congrats!

:yippee:

 

Mikey iam some what new to the forums, and I was reading yours. When I was 17 I abused xanax heavily for about 6 months and was a text book sociopath , Im talking taking it way over the max sometimes 4-12mg a day for 6 months. I did this because I was around friends who abused drugs at the time and we all thought it was cool. Well as you can imagine the party died eventually and the drugs were gone, I had all the exact same symtpoms pretty much you did to the tee.

 

How else can anyone explain it other than it feeling like purgatory, though iam not a christian by no means but the definition fits pretty dam good. 8 months it took me just to get to the point where I feel I could function

enough to walk around w/o passing out, I thought I was going to die everyday. When Id pass out I thought I did die, and I was so pissed when I woke back up that I didn't, just because the suffering was so immense. It was a

heavy burden on my family as well emotionally and financially. Thinking I died everyday for 8months straight was aweful aweful aweful,It was like being on my death bed and all I had were my thoughts on how I had lived my life.

And when I thought about it it made me cry everyday because I realized I was failed myself and hurt the people I loved in the process, what aweful last thoughts to have on your death bed right? After my 8months I did start

to heal and took about a year afterwards for me to completely recover. The experience changed my life though for the better, my sociopathic ways were diminished and I forgave myself for all the wrong I had done. It changed

me for the better. Iam 24 now and I do not take life for granted and can feel true love, joy and happiness, and Iam 100x stronger and more of a man than I ever was before and continue to get stronger eachday.

 

Sorry for the Long explanation about myself, Iam not posting here for myself. I just didnt want you to think I was BSing you saying I know how you feel. But you have demonstrated amazing strength just to keep it going each day. Just keep believing in yourself and reach...reach for that strength everyday you must believe you are getting better and will get better, I promise on my life you will, but you have to keep going for it. Never give up until it is done. My heart and hope go out to you Mikey you have come very far o so far..dont even think about giving up now buddie

 

 

Mikey iam some what new to the forums, and I was reading yours. When I was 17 I abused xanax heavily for about 6 months and was a text book sociopath , Im talking taking it way over the max sometimes 4-12mg a day for 6 months. I did this because I was around friends who abused drugs at the time and we all thought it was cool. Well as you can imagine the party died eventually and the drugs were gone, I had all the exact same symtpoms pretty much you did to the tee.

 

How else can anyone explain it other than it feeling like purgatory, though iam not a christian by no means but the definition fits pretty dam good. 8 months it took me just to get to the point where I feel I could function

enough to walk around w/o passing out, I thought I was going to die everyday. When Id pass out I thought I did die, and I was so pissed when I woke back up that I didn't, just because the suffering was so immense. It was a

heavy burden on my family as well emotionally and financially. Thinking I died everyday for 8months straight was aweful aweful aweful,It was like being on my death bed and all I had were my thoughts on how I had lived my life.

And when I thought about it it made me cry everyday because I realized I was failed myself and hurt the people I loved in the process, what aweful last thoughts to have on your death bed right? After my 8months I did start

to heal and took about a year afterwards for me to completely recover. The experience changed my life though for the better, my sociopathic ways were diminished and I forgave myself for all the wrong I had done. It changed

me for the better. Iam 24 now and I do not take life for granted and can feel true love, joy and happiness, and Iam 100x stronger and more of a man than I ever was before and continue to get stronger eachday.

 

Sorry for the Long explanation about myself, Iam not posting here for myself. I just didnt want you to think I was BSing you saying I know how you feel. But you have demonstrated amazing strength just to keep it going each day. Just keep believing in yourself and reach...reach for that strength everyday you must believe you are getting better and will get better, I promise on my life you will, but you have to keep going for it. Never give up until it is done. My heart and hope go out to you Mikey you have come very far o so far..dont even think about giving up now buddie

 

 

 

Dagaz, you're a class act Bravo.  Great words for Mikey as well as all of us.

 

Mikey, I've been following your hellish days, and hopefully they will begin to diminish now as you heal.  congratulations on being free!!  I hope to one day join you in said freedom!!

 

CONGRATS!!!  :yippee:

Mikey,

 

I would like to see you begin a thread here:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=87.0

 

It is a place to keep track of your progress. Sometimes one can forget about how awful they were feeling in the past, and they can look back to see how much better they are as time slips by.

Oh, keep in mind nobody can reply to you there. Only you can publish to your thread.

 

PS. if you started one, now is a good time to update it.  

 

gman

severly disoriented i feel more growth in the head nobody cares last night i got a tonic-seizure it scared the crap out of me....  i am worried about a grand mal or eplic

 

 

 

i have no clue how a grand mal feels like or an eplictic  help me!

 

if i get the grand mal will i be out cold.... and then wake up groggy

 

i do not want to see how it feels like aND I DO NOT WANT TO DIE

severly disoriented i feel more growth in the head nobody cares last night i got a tonic-seizure it scared the crap out of me....  i am worried about a grand mal or eplic

 

 

 

i have no clue how a grand mal feels like or an eplictic  help me!

 

if i get the grand mal will i be out cold.... and then wake up groggy

 

i do not want to see how it feels like aND I DO NOT WAIT TO DIE

 

I can tell you how my seizures felt Mikey, don't let me scare ya.

In case you don't know.. Number one, 95% of Seizures are not fatal.

Number two, You are not going to die.

Number three, yes you would blank out, if a Grand Mal, which is an old term for "Tonic Clonic" did happen, you wouldn't know it.

Here's a link on Tonic Clonic seizures, perhaps you'll find YOU ARE NOT EPILEPTIC-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonic%E2%80%93clonic_seizure

 

I had seizures 2 or 3 when I was a kid, and I had one after I attempted a c/t from 5mg of Klonopin.

My experience with a Seizure.

I got very hot, flushy, sweaty.. I was zeroing out of the world, it's like Alice in Wonderland, thing looked bigger, I couldn't reach the door knob, I screamed out and I seized, this was as a kid, most have aura's before the actual seizure, the aura is like a sign that tells you it's about to happen. YOU TAPERED, YOU WILL NOT SEIZURE.

To me a seizure felt like I had expired, nothing made sense before hand, techno looking colour, things floating like tables and desks.

It was like falling, once I was in the seizure, I do recall a feeling of peace, but was not so peaceful for those watching.

My mother told me about it, I also had a few Absent Seizures.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absence_seizure

It's just where you blank out.

Very hard to describe.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A SEIZURE? YOU TAPERED.

Ashton says they are very very rare.

TABLE 1. BENZODIAZEPINE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS

     Excitability (jumpiness, restlessness)

     Insomnia, nightmares, other sleep disturbances

     Increased anxiety, panic attacks

     Agoraphobia, social phobia

     Perceptual distortions

     Depersonalisation, derealisation

     Hallucinations, misperceptions

     Depression

     Obsessions

     Paranoid thoughts

     Rage, aggression, irritability

     Poor memory and concentration

     Intrusive memories

     Craving (rare)

 

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

     Headache

     Pain/stiffness - (limbs, back, neck, teeth, jaw)

     Tingling, numbness, altered sensation - (limbs, face, trunk)

     Weakness ("jelly-legs")

     Fatigue, influenza-like symptoms

     Muscle twitches, jerks, tics, "electric shocks"

     Tremor

     Dizziness, light-headedness, poor balance

     Blurred/double vision, sore or dry eyes

     Tinnitus

     Hypersensitivity - (light, sound, touch, taste, smell)

     Gastrointestinal symptoms - (nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea,

     constipation, pain, distension, difficulty swallowing)

     Appetite/weight change

     Dry mouth, metallic taste, unusual smell

     Flushing/sweating/palpitations

     Overbreathing

     Urinary difficulties/menstrual difficulties

     Skin rashes, itching

     Fits (rare)

 

When I c/t, my seizure was different, my legs buckled; and I fell, looked like I was break dancing, others claimed.

I fell like I was asleep, that was it.

But you do not have Epilepsy nor a Brain Tumor.

I know it's hard not t think of these things, but you don't.

 

Hope that helped somewhat, to describe a seizure is difficult, but what you are having is w/d.

 

Keryn.

 

PS- IF YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING SEIZURES, BEST SEE A NEUROLOGIST.

I do for good measure, I have a low seizure threshold.

 

 

 

I use to get the same s/x or feeling about the tumor growing in my head for a long time. It was like a tingling feeling with a sharp pain in the top left, back part of my skull. For me this was one of the few remaining s/x that

 

persisted over my 1year and 8month come down fromm xanax. Not saying it will be like this for you, but it wasnt til a year after that did the feeling stop. I went to have a MRI a couple times during that period and there were

 

NO tumors or anything of that nature going on, the doc said I was prolly having tension headaches(migraines) and gave me medication for it that which didnt help much. No exp with siezures here, though I was paranoid about them as you were and thought one was imminent. Just hang in there and remember these things can take time and stay positive that you are getting better, my thoughts or with you Mikey

severly disoriented i feel more growth in the head nobody cares last night i got a tonic-seizure it scared the crap out of me....  i am worried about a grand mal or eplic

 

 

 

i have no clue how a grand mal feels like or an eplictic  help me!

 

if i get the grand mal will i be out cold.... and then wake up groggy

 

i do not want to see how it feels like aND I DO NOT WAIT TO DIE

 

I can tell you how my seizures felt Mikey, don't let me scare ya.

In case you don't know.. Number one, 95% of Seizures are not fatal.

Number two, You are not going to die.

Number three, yes you would blank out, if a Grand Mal, which is an old term for "Tonic Clonic" did happen, you wouldn't know it.

Here's a link on Tonic Clonic seizures, perhaps you'll find YOU ARE NOT EPILEPTIC-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonic%E2%80%93clonic_seizure

 

I had seizures 2 or 3 when I was a kid, and I had one after I attempted a c/t from 5mg of Klonopin.

My experience with a Seizure.

I got very hot, flushy, sweaty.. I was zeroing out of the world, it's like Alice in Wonderland, thing looked bigger, I couldn't reach the door knob, I screamed out and I seized, this was as a kid, most have aura's before the actual seizure, the aura is like a sign that tells you it's about to happen. YOU TAPERED, YOU WILL NOT SEIZURE.

To me a seizure felt like I had expired, nothing made sense before hand, techno looking colour, things floating like tables and desks.

It was like falling, once I was in the seizure, I do recall a feeling of peace, but was not so peaceful for those watching.

My mother told me about it, I also had a few Absent Seizures.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absence_seizure

It's just where you blank out.

Very hard to describe.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A SEIZURE? YOU TAPERED.

Ashton says they are very very rare.

TABLE 1. BENZODIAZEPINE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS

     Excitability (jumpiness, restlessness)

     Insomnia, nightmares, other sleep disturbances

     Increased anxiety, panic attacks

     Agoraphobia, social phobia

     Perceptual distortions

     Depersonalisation, derealisation

     Hallucinations, misperceptions

     Depression

     Obsessions

     Paranoid thoughts

     Rage, aggression, irritability

     Poor memory and concentration

     Intrusive memories

     Craving (rare)

 

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

     Headache

     Pain/stiffness - (limbs, back, neck, teeth, jaw)

     Tingling, numbness, altered sensation - (limbs, face, trunk)

     Weakness ("jelly-legs")

     Fatigue, influenza-like symptoms

     Muscle twitches, jerks, tics, "electric shocks"

     Tremor

     Dizziness, light-headedness, poor balance

     Blurred/double vision, sore or dry eyes

     Tinnitus

     Hypersensitivity - (light, sound, touch, taste, smell)

     Gastrointestinal symptoms - (nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea,

     constipation, pain, distension, difficulty swallowing)

     Appetite/weight change

     Dry mouth, metallic taste, unusual smell

     Flushing/sweating/palpitations

     Overbreathing

     Urinary difficulties/menstrual difficulties

     Skin rashes, itching

     Fits (rare)

 

When I c/t, my seizure was different, my legs buckled; and I fell, looked like I was break dancing, others claimed.

I fell like I was asleep, that was it.

But you do not have Epilepsy nor a Brain Tumor.

I know it's hard not t think of these things, but you don't.

 

Hope that helped somewhat, to describe a seizure is difficult, but what you are having is w/d.

 

Keryn.

 

PS- IF YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING SEIZURES, BEST SEE A NEUROLOGIST.

I do for good measure, I have a low seizure threshold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i seen 3 neurologists they see everything normal but i feel weird everyday  maunal said if you take the benzo long term like i did you can toxic your body get hep c and hiv or get cancer

i seen 3 neurologists they see everything normal but i feel weird everyday  maunal said if you take the benzo long term like i did you can toxic your body get hep c and hiv or get cancer

 

You saying Benzos can cause HIV, Hepatitis and cancer? 

 

Please clarify this before I reply.

 

 

It says that in The Ashton Manual, Mikey? Where does it say that? I have never seen anyone else say anything like that is in the manual. What page is it on?

severly disoriented i feel more growth in the head nobody cares last night i got a tonic-seizure it scared the crap out of me....  i am worried about a grand mal or eplic

 

 

 

i have no clue how a grand mal feels like or an eplictic  help me!

 

if i get the grand mal will i be out cold.... and then wake up groggy

 

i do not want to see how it feels like aND I DO NOT WAIT TO DIE

 

I can tell you how my seizures felt Mikey, don't let me scare ya.

In case you don't know.. Number one, 95% of Seizures are not fatal.

Number two, You are not going to die.

Number three, yes you would blank out, if a Grand Mal, which is an old term for "Tonic Clonic" did happen, you wouldn't know it.

Here's a link on Tonic Clonic seizures, perhaps you'll find YOU ARE NOT EPILEPTIC-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonic%E2%80%93clonic_seizure

 

I had seizures 2 or 3 when I was a kid, and I had one after I attempted a c/t from 5mg of Klonopin.

My experience with a Seizure.

I got very hot, flushy, sweaty.. I was zeroing out of the world, it's like Alice in Wonderland, thing looked bigger, I couldn't reach the door knob, I screamed out and I seized, this was as a kid, most have aura's before the actual seizure, the aura is like a sign that tells you it's about to happen. YOU TAPERED, YOU WILL NOT SEIZURE.

To me a seizure felt like I had expired, nothing made sense before hand, techno looking colour, things floating like tables and desks.

It was like falling, once I was in the seizure, I do recall a feeling of peace, but was not so peaceful for those watching.

My mother told me about it, I also had a few Absent Seizures.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absence_seizure

It's just where you blank out.

Very hard to describe.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A SEIZURE? YOU TAPERED.

Ashton says they are very very rare.

TABLE 1. BENZODIAZEPINE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS

     Excitability (jumpiness, restlessness)

     Insomnia, nightmares, other sleep disturbances

     Increased anxiety, panic attacks

     Agoraphobia, social phobia

     Perceptual distortions

     Depersonalisation, derealisation

     Hallucinations, misperceptions

     Depression

     Obsessions

     Paranoid thoughts

     Rage, aggression, irritability

     Poor memory and concentration

     Intrusive memories

     Craving (rare)

 

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

     Headache

     Pain/stiffness - (limbs, back, neck, teeth, jaw)

     Tingling, numbness, altered sensation - (limbs, face, trunk)

     Weakness ("jelly-legs")

     Fatigue, influenza-like symptoms

     Muscle twitches, jerks, tics, "electric shocks"

     Tremor

     Dizziness, light-headedness, poor balance

     Blurred/double vision, sore or dry eyes

     Tinnitus

     Hypersensitivity - (light, sound, touch, taste, smell)

     Gastrointestinal symptoms - (nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea,

     constipation, pain, distension, difficulty swallowing)

     Appetite/weight change

     Dry mouth, metallic taste, unusual smell

     Flushing/sweating/palpitations

     Overbreathing

     Urinary difficulties/menstrual difficulties

     Skin rashes, itching

     Fits (rare)

 

When I c/t, my seizure was different, my legs buckled; and I fell, looked like I was break dancing, others claimed.

I fell like I was asleep, that was it.

But you do not have Epilepsy nor a Brain Tumor.

I know it's hard not t think of these things, but you don't.

 

Hope that helped somewhat, to describe a seizure is difficult, but what you are having is w/d.

 

Keryn.

 

PS- IF YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING SEIZURES, BEST SEE A NEUROLOGIST.

I do for good measure, I have a low seizure threshold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i seen 3 neurologists they see everything normal but i feel weird everyday  maunal said if you take the benzo long term like i did you can toxic your body get hep c and hiv or get cancer

 

If you have seen 3 Neurologist's; and they did tests such as EEG's and so on, and all is normal, you're fine..

A seizure would show up, usually as a spike or so on..in the reading from the EEG.

What Manual says that?

I was on Klonopin 7 years high doses..

I don't think you have any of those things; it may feel like it, but you don't.. if you had a Brain Tumor, Epilepsy, Cancer or any other ailment, as much as you have been tested from what I have read, you'd know it.

 

Keryn.

i seen 3 neurologists they see everything normal but i feel weird everyday  maunal said if you take the benzo long term like i did you can toxic your body get hep c and hiv or get cancer

 

You saying Benzos can cause HIV, Hepatitis and cancer?  

 

Please clarify this before I reply.

 

 

 

my mistake i am just too paranoid ashton said if you inject dirty needles you can get hep b c and hiv sorry

 

Long term effects

 

• The effects of long term use of benzodiazepines include mental confusion, memory loss, depression, aggressive behaviour and loss of physical co-ordination. Injecting with dirty or used needles can cause serious infections like Hepatitis B, blood poisoning and HIV infection. Injecting crushed tablets or jelly (from green capsules) can cause serious circulation problems and in some cases loss of limbs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

shes talkin about using used needles from people with real bad diseases I think if you go looking for the worst possible thing it only makes you worse you got to start looking towards positive things ! Im still dealing with all these symptoms but i go towards the positive as much as i can cause reading into negativity will only bring you down !!

i seen 3 neurologists they see everything normal but i feel weird everyday  maunal said if you take the benzo long term like i did you can toxic your body get hep c and hiv or get cancer

 

You saying Benzos can cause HIV, Hepatitis and cancer?  

 

Please clarify this before I reply.

 

 

 

my mistake i am just too paranoid ashton said if you inject dirty needles you can get hep b c and hiv sorry

 

Long term effects

 

• The effects of long term use of benzodiazepines include mental confusion, memory loss, depression, aggressive behaviour and loss of physical co-ordination. Injecting with dirty or used needles can cause serious infections like Hepatitis B, blood poisoning and HIV infection. Injecting crushed tablets or jelly (from green capsules) can cause serious circulation problems and in some cases loss of limbs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Mikey for clarifying that.

 

Keryn.

We all are not as bad off as we think we are even though it seems that way day in day out this is all getting better with slow .... slow ...slow.. changes its just hard to see in a couple days but looking back i can see those changes !!!!

i seen 3 neurologists they see everything normal but i feel weird everyday  maunal said if you take the benzo long term like i did you can toxic your body get hep c and hiv or get cancer

 

You saying Benzos can cause HIV, Hepatitis and cancer?  

 

Please clarify this before I reply.

 

 

 

my mistake i am just too paranoid ashton said if you inject dirty needles you can get hep b c and hiv sorry

 

 

 

Mikey, I am glad that you came back to clear up this inaccurate statement.  Thank you for doing so; however, in the future please be careful about the things you post on here.  Even though your information was incorrect, it can still cause many of our members to panic and worry unnecessarily, including yourself.

 

And, Mikey, do yourself a huge favour and stop looking for the worst case scenarios.  You are not helping yourself by constantly searching for the worst things that could possibly happen and worrying yourself sick day in and day out.  You have been told by your doctors that there is nothing wrong with you, so instead of doubting them, why don't you rejoice in the good news?  I know I would.

i seen 3 neurologists they see everything normal but i feel weird everyday  maunal said if you take the benzo long term like i did you can toxic your body get hep c and hiv or get cancer

 

You saying Benzos can cause HIV, Hepatitis and cancer?  

 

Please clarify this before I reply.

 

 

 

 

 

my mistake i am just too paranoid ashton said if you inject dirty needles you can get hep b c and hiv sorry

 

Long term effects

 

• The effects of long term use of benzodiazepines include mental confusion, memory loss, depression, aggressive behaviour and loss of physical co-ordination. Injecting with dirty or used needles can cause serious infections like Hepatitis B, blood poisoning and HIV infection. Injecting crushed tablets or jelly (from green capsules) can cause serious circulation problems and in some cases loss of limbs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

And, Mikey, do yourself a huge favour and stop looking for the worst case scenarios.  You are not helping yourself by constantly searching for the worst things that could possibly happen and worrying yourself sick day in and day out.  You have been told by your doctors that there is nothing wrong with you, so instead of doubting them, why don't you rejoice in the good news?  I know I would.

 

I agree, Mikey. Relax and take a day off from researching symtoms. The Internet will still be there tomorrow. 

I'm still trying to find the end of the internet too mikey.  I don't think I'll ever reach the end!!!  I understand how it feels to feel like such crap day in and day out, and yet still have nothing wrong with you besides benzo withdrawal.  It baffles the mind. 

 

I too have searched like crazy and asked google all sorts of questions and google always answers me, but guess what?  Google makes my withdrawal and anxiety worse!  Google is very stressful!    If you are looking for a way to pass the time a lot of us either help other members online by responding to other posts or if the intrusive thoughts get too bad well -  hop in the chat room to talk with other members and share a few laughs.  I had to spend several days in chat myself because I just couldn't be around anyone and I couldn't be by myself with these thoughts.

 

Ziggy

 

And, Mikey, do yourself a huge favour and stop looking for the worst case scenarios.  You are not helping yourself by constantly searching for the worst things that could possibly happen and worrying yourself sick day in and day out.  You have been told by your doctors that there is nothing wrong with you, so instead of doubting them, why don't you rejoice in the good news?  I know I would.

 

I agree, Mikey. Relax and take a day off from researching symtoms. The Internet will still be there tomorrow. 

 

I agree, sometimes the more we focus on symptoms, the worse we tend to think..that leads to well, ya know.

 

Keryn.

i am in very bad shape i feel severe pressure in the head  i still feel a growth in my head

 

i have deep psychosis and no interest in life and no doctor wants to help me

 

the liver stomach bones head pancrease gallbladder throat all hurt and no doctor CANT HELP ME I AM SO DISORIENTED AND MY VISION IS GETTING WORSE EVERYDAY MY ARMPIT BURNS AND HURTS INSIDE I TOLD THE DOCTORS EVERYTHING IS NORMAL BUT STILL I FEEL CANCER

 

MY EYES MOVES BY ITSELF ABNORMAL EYE MOVEMENTS MY DAD DROVE ON THE HIGHWAY AND I HAVE MOTION IF NO DOCTOR HELPS ME SOON

 

I AM GOING TO DIE OR GET A SEVERE SEIZURE AND DIE MY VISION IS GETTING BAD AND I FEEL NO CHEMICALS WHAT SO EVER AND I AM SCARED

 

 

HELP SOMEONE  :'( :'(