Reassurance PLEASE......😢

I always thought I was a strong person, until this experience with Benzos.  I’ve been clinging to the edge of my strength and sanity since 9/2016.  {I don’t have a sig up because I’m too traumatized to recount the details of my doctor forced CT}.  The level of suffering has morphed from vomiting daily for a year every morning, into unbelievable head and neck pain, into severe dizziness and confusion. Amongst 100 other symptoms.  Seems the layers to this never end.  I’m questioning is it worth the suffering, when all I experience is a shift from nightmare to another.  Without any light and hope.  My goal has been to get to tolderable, just tolerable!  And, I feel as though I’m going backwards, daily.  The strain this has put on not only myself, husband (who bailed when I was in tolerance and didn’t know it, haven’t seen him in 3yrs), my beautiful children, and elderly parents has been unconchinable. 

 

Does it truly get better?  Or, is it really just some that are genetically luckier than other’s?  I just want some reassurance that things will improve.  I’m not looking for perfection.  I need a reason to stay in the fight.......

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Fighting, yes things do get better.

 

I had a miserable 3+ year long taper with a year of recovery afterwards, but I gradually got to feeling better. I got most of my clients back, can now drive, see friends etc. And I moved twice!! But it was a long road on which I despaired that things would never improve.

 

If you want advice, I'll give it: find a couple of BBs who feel as you do, but who are making progress and hang with them. It was my BB friends who helped me along through my ordeal. We cheered each other on, gave each other shoulders to cry on. One of my "gang" formed the Working Thread (because we all had to go to work) and we interacted there. It was very comforting.

 

Another great comfort to me was my therapist. She knew nothing about benzo w/d, but I educated her. She was always there for me. Alas, my partner not so much. I think we "wear out" those closest to us.

 

So those are two things that got me through my taper: BB friends and my wonderful therapist. A group that "gets it" . . . and one person who knows you inside and out and can be your "rock".

 

Hope this helps you,

 

Katz

Thank you for the suggestions.  I appreciate your taking the time to reply.  Wishing You Speedy Healing

Your reason to stay in the fight is for your beautiful children and your elderly parents and for you because you are worth it. I believe with all my heart that you will get better over time. I have read how so many others have recovered and you will too. Like the other poster said, find someone similar to your situation and encourage one another. I will continue to pray until you get a break through.

Your reason to stay in the fight is for your beautiful children and your elderly parents and for you because you are worth it. I believe with all my heart that you will get better over time. I have read how so many others have recovered and you will too. Like the other poster said, find someone similar to your situation and encourage one another. I will continue to pray until you get a break through.

 

Preachergirl,

Thank you.....  Thank you...... 

 

Haven’t found anyone similar to my situation.  I’m pretty severe. 

My children....I Love Them So Much. 

 

Thank you for your prayers.    You will me in mine, as well.

Thank you.....

Fighting, you DID meet someone who was possibly WORSE than you!!! ME. I think you read my Success Story so you should have an idea that this is the truth.

Here is another truth: We ALL think we are the worst off! That is just human nature.

 

Okay. YES you will feel better. No one knows (yet) why some people have it so rough and have it last so long. But it does happen. I didnt truly feel "normal" until my 4th year.

 

Going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without a doubt. But getting through it made me such a better person! I now know that I AM truly strong. I learned a lot along the way as well. I learned how to go to sleep normally. I learned how to deal with any anxiety I had and in all truth, I have little to no anxiety now. Just "jitters" when I start a new job, or do something new. Normal anxiety. I learned what caused my awful symptoms, and knowing that helped me immensely!

 

Fighting. You sound like an intelligent person. I personally think that makes it a bit harder, because we KNOW too much! But being smart is also such a blessing as it will allow you to start educating yourself about all of this. And it truly is key to have a basic understanding of WHY you have these awful symptoms. The human brain is very intricate and complicated, but basically, all it is is a bunch of different chemicals that perform certain functions. Our brains do control everything about us. Benzos temporarily mess up all those chemicals. In a huge way. And then, when you take away the benzos, all hell breaks loose. Those chemicals are going to go up and down and cause crazy symptoms until they do finally get back to normal. And they will, given enough time.

 

I urge you to stay the course. If I can do it, you can, because I am NOT SuperWoman! LOL! Hardly. I am a 68 year old lady with a long and hard history of abusing various substances. Benzos were my downfall. Taking benzos was the dumbest thing I ever did, but getting OFF benzos was the best thing I have ever done. Amen!

Fighting, you DID meet someone who was possibly WORSE than you!!! ME. I think you read my Success Story so you should have an idea that this is the truth.

Here is another truth: We ALL think we are the worst off! That is just human nature.

 

Okay. YES you will feel better. No one knows (yet) why some people have it so rough and have it last so long. But it does happen. I didnt truly feel "normal" until my 4th year.

 

Going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done. Without a doubt. But getting through it made me such a better person! I now know that I AM truly strong. I learned a lot along the way as well. I learned how to go to sleep normally. I learned how to deal with any anxiety I had and in all truth, I have little to no anxiety now. Just "jitters" when I start a new job, or do something new. Normal anxiety. I learned what caused my awful symptoms, and knowing that helped me immensely!

 

Fighting. You sound like an intelligent person. I personally think that makes it a bit harder, because we KNOW too much! But being smart is also such a blessing as it will allow you to start educating yourself about all of this. And it truly is key to have a basic understanding of WHY you have these awful symptoms. The human brain is very intricate and complicated, but basically, all it is is a bunch of different chemicals that perform certain functions. Our brains do control everything about us. Benzos temporarily mess up all those chemicals. In a huge way. And then, when you take away the benzos, all hell breaks loose. Those chemicals are going to go up and down and cause crazy symptoms until they do finally get back to normal. And they will, given enough time.

 

I urge you to stay the course. If I can do it, you can, because I am NOT SuperWoman! LOL! Hardly. I am a 68 year old lady with a long and hard history of abusing various substances. Benzos were my downfall. Taking benzos was the dumbest thing I ever did, but getting OFF benzos was the best thing I have ever done. Amen!

 

East,

Read your Success story a couple times.  I just watch this weird brain stuff going on in my head would stop.    Can cope with the rest.  But, the brain stuff is so hard.  Feels like fireworks and a LSD trip all at the same time. 

 

Trying to accept all this intense stuff....  If I had truly been intelligent I would have NEVER taken a Benzo.

 

Thank you for your constant support, and encouragement.  It means so much.... Thank You....

After 25 years, I did a CT. My husband died. Then, a reinstallation, with Xanax and sleeping pills. CT- again. I have been in a dark room, with hallucinations, until month 23. Have I had worse, than others? No. Everyone, lives in their own little hell, in their own way. There is no scale, on who has the most difficult. My best, and closest word, is Respect. If I wrote, that my symptoms were the worst, I would not have it. It is very difficult, for all of us. Right?

Hey fighting4me, sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

I'm feeling much the same at the moment... Feel free to reach out as I completely get the

Strain on family (I'm living with my parents who practically have to look after me) and I'm not even close to jumping... But we can do this 👊🏼

After 25 years, I did a CT. My husband died. Then, a reinstallation, with Xanax and sleeping pills. CT- again. I have been in a dark room, with hallucinations, until month 23. Have I had worse, than others? No. Everyone, lives in their own little hell, in their own way. There is no scale, on who has the most difficult. My best, and closest word, is Respect. If I wrote, that my symptoms were the worst, I would not have it. It is very difficult, for all of us. Right?

 

Translator,

Not sure what you mean by your comment.  I will respond how I think you meant it.

It was suggested to me to find a B.B. with symptoms similar to mine.  I have yet to find anyone with symptoms similar to the severity of mine.  None of us has fully shared every little thing they have experienced in this journey.  I know MY truth and MY experience and have not read anything that closely resembles my journey.  Certain general aspects yes, many other aspects no.  To have it suggested to me that I don’t have RESPECT I find truly offensive.  This forum, I thought was a place to lend support.  I reached out for that support.  Not to be kicked when I’m down.  RESPECT is a word that maybe you should look at the definition.  If you can’t help a fellow BB then don’t post anything.

Fighting, get a grip, please. You are pushing yourself into thinking you are so different from others here, worse, THE WORST, etc. And that is a total lie you are telling yourself. That lie will not help you, it will hinder your recovery.

 

You are NOT the worst off here. I have heard that so many times now it is a bit funny. When I was a Moderator here, we had several people similar to you, (and me-) people who truly thought they were the worst case ever. (And that includes me, because for a fairly long time, I thought I was the worst one here! And who knows, maybe I WAS!) But in the end, none of this really matters. What does matter is how much effort you put into helping yourself, by remaining positive, by learning as much as you can, and by trying to help someone OTHER than yourself.

 

I disagree with your feeling that most people dont try to tell the truth here. I did, on my Blog and Success Story. I attempted to describe the utter hell I lived in. I DID avoid yakking about it on this part of the forum, the Cold Turkey Dept.. I knew that I should fake it here, and tell the real truth "privately." This strategy worked very well for me. I did not lie here, but I did avoid talking about how awful I felt, EXCEPT on my Blog and finally, in my Success Story. I think you know how difficult it is to explain these symptoms. It is beyond belief what some of us go through. Nothing prepared me for the hundreds of symptoms I had. It came as an enormous shock to this old Nurse.

 

You will get through this. Time is on your side, because the brain always tries to heal itself and almost always, it does.

dear fighting for me I feel you pain! im so sorry you had to endure  everything you have endured. I can relate to the feeling of hopelessness and worst of all feelings is the FEAR that you will stay like this after months and months and torture like you i had to force food down because i couldnt eat i had to avoid all sugar and was bed bound it was truly the worst of the worst recently for the first time in months i would consider my self healed 95percent but recently i had a set back and i still cant pinpoint why i have alot fatigue and i did push a bit on excersice last week and the stress is very high right now but it still feels disheartening because i feel that i been through so much already and i didnt think i was going to have this bad of a wave . just wanted to let you know i feel you the feeling of hopelessness and severe depression. i agree with the other benzo buddie find benzobudies they are truly a life line they have always been that life line for me especialy beacuse i have no friends family or partner to talk to. only friend i gave is God and benzobbudies. im there with you !!!! hang on!!!! beacause i have been there when i felt almost healed it was the best feeling ever i cried but of joy and gratefullness once you get out you become better person you and you appreciate and cheriss life as much possible so much that i wouldnt even stay home cause i wanted to feel air in my face enjoy going out and never taking min for granted, i guess i must remember those feeling to keep fighting too!!!!

 

wishing you full recovery

 

You will get through this. Time is on your side, because the brain always tries to heal itself and almost always, it does.

 

Hey, East Coast, I really appreciated your post. But I was wondering if you could clarify what you mean by, “almost always” the brain heals itself. Doesn’t that imply that there is a chance that the brain won’t heal itself? I’m still in the ruminators process of this whole situation and I haven’t seen much progress, so seeing that it’s possible for people not to heal from someone who is generally so positive is really scary to me.

Thank you all for your replies.....

 

Today is especially hard, thoughts of my daughter crying on the phone saying she wants her Mom back-she’s 21.  Just tore at my soul.  She feels abandoned, and needs me.  This is like trying to hug and love your child through invisible glass.  She doesn’t understand what’s happening.  All the explaining in the world isn’t healing the brokenness both she and I feel.  I love her with ALL my heart and soul.  How do you handle the pain you cause those you love?  They only see the external differences in behavior, and think it’s a choice.  When it’s not YOU, but your broken brain.  I’m to the core just so very sad....

I always thought I was a strong person, until this experience with Benzos.  I’ve been clinging to the edge of my strength and sanity since 9/2016.  {I don’t have a sig up because I’m too traumatized to recount the details of my doctor forced CT}.  The level of suffering has morphed from vomiting daily for a year every morning, into unbelievable head and neck pain, into severe dizziness and confusion. Amongst 100 other symptoms.  Seems the layers to this never end.  I’m questioning is it worth the suffering, when all I experience is a shift from nightmare to another.  Without any light and hope.  My goal has been to get to tolderable, just tolerable!  And, I feel as though I’m going backwards, daily.  The strain this has put on not only myself, husband (who bailed when I was in tolerance and didn’t know it, haven’t seen him in 3yrs), my beautiful children, and elderly parents has been unconchinable. 

 

Does it truly get better?  Or, is it really just some that are genetically luckier than other’s?  I just want some reassurance that things will improve.  I’m not looking for perfection.  I need a reason to stay in the fight.......

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 

I think however traumatic and horrific it is, it can of course get better.  I know a tiny handful of people who seem to stay the same or get worse even after 4, 5 years and I have been on these groups for 4 years now. I do not know why they are not recovering and of course they may yet recover.  I have had a horrific experience myself and I am traumatised by it, I am fortunate to have little memory of it but when I read my record I become very distressed as the memories resurface. I struggled to find anyone who had been impacted in quite the same way as me, but I found people who shared one or two symptoms with me and could support me.  I think we can share our struggles even if we have different clusters of symptoms.  It is very difficult to know if others are worse or not, in fact it is impossible to know, because we don't really know exactly what they are experiencing.  I did not share everything I went through, I could not bear to write about it so you are correct, we don't necessarily share everything. My mind was disassociated from my brain and body and that meant I was not fully aware of  how terrible it was.  I hope you will keep fighting .. there is every chance that it will be worth it.

 

Take care

 

Fiona 

I always thought I was a strong person, until this experience with Benzos.  I’ve been clinging to the edge of my strength and sanity since 9/2016.  {I don’t have a sig up because I’m too traumatized to recount the details of my doctor forced CT}.  The level of suffering has morphed from vomiting daily for a year every morning, into unbelievable head and neck pain, into severe dizziness and confusion. Amongst 100 other symptoms.  Seems the layers to this never end.  I’m questioning is it worth the suffering, when all I experience is a shift from nightmare to another.  Without any light and hope.  My goal has been to get to tolderable, just tolerable!  And, I feel as though I’m going backwards, daily.  The strain this has put on not only myself, husband (who bailed when I was in tolerance and didn’t know it, haven’t seen him in 3yrs), my beautiful children, and elderly parents has been unconchinable. 

 

Does it truly get better?  Or, is it really just some that are genetically luckier than other’s?  I just want some reassurance that things will improve.  I’m not looking for perfection.  I need a reason to stay in the fight.......

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 

I think however traumatic and horrific it is, it can of course get better.  I know a tiny handful of people who seem to stay the same or get worse even after 4, 5 years and I have been on these groups for 4 years now. I do not know why they are not recovering and of course they may yet recover.  I have had a horrific experience myself and I am traumatised by it, I am fortunate to have little memory of it but when I read my record I become very distressed as the memories resurface. I struggled to find anyone who had been impacted in quite the same way as me, but I found people who shared one or two symptoms with me and could support me.  I think we can share our struggles even if we have different clusters of symptoms.  It is very difficult to know if others are worse or not, in fact it is impossible to know, because we don't really know exactly what they are experiencing.  I did not share everything I went through, I could not bear to write about it so you are with we don't necessarily share everything.  I hope you will keep fighting .. there is every chance that it will be worth it.

 

Take care

 

Fiona 

 

It's so encouraging to hear from people who have gotten better. Did you have issues with your memory, and if so did they recover completely? I can barely remember what I did ten minutes ago, and that terrifies me.

I always thought I was a strong person, until this experience with Benzos.  I’ve been clinging to the edge of my strength and sanity since 9/2016.  {I don’t have a sig up because I’m too traumatized to recount the details of my doctor forced CT}.  The level of suffering has morphed from vomiting daily for a year every morning, into unbelievable head and neck pain, into severe dizziness and confusion. Amongst 100 other symptoms.  Seems the layers to this never end.  I’m questioning is it worth the suffering, when all I experience is a shift from nightmare to another.  Without any light and hope.  My goal has been to get to tolderable, just tolerable!  And, I feel as though I’m going backwards, daily.  The strain this has put on not only myself, husband (who bailed when I was in tolerance and didn’t know it, haven’t seen him in 3yrs), my beautiful children, and elderly parents has been unconchinable. 

 

Does it truly get better?  Or, is it really just some that are genetically luckier than other’s?  I just want some reassurance that things will improve.  I’m not looking for perfection.  I need a reason to stay in the fight.......

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 

I think however traumatic and horrific it is, it can of course get better.  I know a tiny handful of people who seem to stay the same or get worse even after 4, 5 years and I have been on these groups for 4 years now. I do not know why they are not recovering and of course they may yet recover.  I have had a horrific experience myself and I am traumatised by it, I am fortunate to have little memory of it but when I read my record I become very distressed as the memories resurface. I struggled to find anyone who had been impacted in quite the same way as me, but I found people who shared one or two symptoms with me and could support me.  I think we can share our struggles even if we have different clusters of symptoms.  It is very difficult to know if others are worse or not, in fact it is impossible to know, because we don't really know exactly what they are experiencing.  I did not share everything I went through, I could not bear to write about it so you are with we don't necessarily share everything.  I hope you will keep fighting .. there is every chance that it will be worth it.

 

Take care

 

Fiona 

 

It's so encouraging to hear from people who have gotten better. Did you have issues with your memory, and if so did they recover completely? I can barely remember what I did ten minutes ago, and that terrifies me.

 

I am not fully recovered I am sorry to say but I have certainly improved beyond all recognition.  My memory was very badly affected but that seems to have been tied up with DP/DR.  Was unaware of passage of time, could not remember what I had just done, could not remember what had happened an hour ago, a day ago.  it is all gradually improving as DP/DR is also lifting.  I don't know if I will fully recover but I am 64 now and I was on the drugs for 40 years, I fear the long-term consumption may have also affected my memory.  I could not read text or assimilate speech.  That is improving.  could not write by hand, that is improving.  Sometimes when I do something, my brain seems to be unaware of what I am doing, it is not processing the information. I see myself doing it, but I walk away and I have no memory of it.  Like making a cup of tea for example. Also have loss of spatial awareness which is also getting better.  Everything is getting better. In my case it is painfully slow, many others recover much faster but after a horrific experience I think it is understandable it will take time.

I always thought I was a strong person, until this experience with Benzos.  I’ve been clinging to the edge of my strength and sanity since 9/2016.  {I don’t have a sig up because I’m too traumatized to recount the details of my doctor forced CT}.  The level of suffering has morphed from vomiting daily for a year every morning, into unbelievable head and neck pain, into severe dizziness and confusion. Amongst 100 other symptoms.  Seems the layers to this never end.  I’m questioning is it worth the suffering, when all I experience is a shift from nightmare to another.  Without any light and hope.  My goal has been to get to tolderable, just tolerable!  And, I feel as though I’m going backwards, daily.  The strain this has put on not only myself, husband (who bailed when I was in tolerance and didn’t know it, haven’t seen him in 3yrs), my beautiful children, and elderly parents has been unconchinable. 

 

Does it truly get better?  Or, is it really just some that are genetically luckier than other’s?  I just want some reassurance that things will improve.  I’m not looking for perfection.  I need a reason to stay in the fight.......

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 

I think however traumatic and horrific it is, it can of course get better.  I know a tiny handful of people who seem to stay the same or get worse even after 4, 5 years and I have been on these groups for 4 years now. I do not know why they are not recovering and of course they may yet recover.  I have had a horrific experience myself and I am traumatised by it, I am fortunate to have little memory of it but when I read my record I become very distressed as the memories resurface. I struggled to find anyone who had been impacted in quite the same way as me, but I found people who shared one or two symptoms with me and could support me.  I think we can share our struggles even if we have different clusters of symptoms.  It is very difficult to know if others are worse or not, in fact it is impossible to know, because we don't really know exactly what they are experiencing.  I did not share everything I went through, I could not bear to write about it so you are with we don't necessarily share everything.  I hope you will keep fighting .. there is every chance that it will be worth it.

 

Take care

 

Fiona 

 

It's so encouraging to hear from people who have gotten better. Did you have issues with your memory, and if so did they recover completely? I can barely remember what I did ten minutes ago, and that terrifies me.

 

I am not fully recovered I am sorry to say but I have certainly improved beyond all recognition.  My memory was very badly affected but that seems to have been tied up with DP/DR.  Was unaware of passage of time, could not remember what I had just done, could not remember what had happened an hour ago, a day ago.  it is all gradually improving as DP/DR is also lifting.  I don't know if I will fully recover but I am 64 now and I was on the drugs for 40 years, I fear the long-term consumption may have also affected my memory.  I could not read text or assimilate speech.  That is improving.  could not write by hand, that is improving.  Sometimes when I do something, my brain seems to be unaware of what I am doing, it is not processing the information. I see myself doing it, but I walk away and I have no memory of it.  Like making a cup of tea for example. Also have loss of spatial awareness which is also getting better.  Everything is getting better. In my case it is painfully slow, many others recover much faster but after a horrific experience I think it is understandable it will take time.

 

 

That's great that you are healing, even if it is slowly. Sorry my responses aren't more in depth, but I'm in a wave right now, so even short responses take effort. When would you say that you started noticing an improvement in your DP/DR? DP/DR and depression are my two most distressing symptoms.

Thank you all for your replies.....

 

Today is especially hard, thoughts of my daughter crying on the phone saying she wants her Mom back-she’s 21.  Just tore at my soul.  She feels abandoned, and needs me.  This is like trying to hug and love your child through invisible glass.  She doesn’t understand what’s happening.  All the explaining in the world isn’t healing the brokenness both she and I feel.  I love her with ALL my heart and soul.  How do you handle the pain you cause those you love?  They only see the external differences in behavior, and think it’s a choice.  When it’s not YOU, but your broken brain.  I’m to the core just so very sad....

 

 

To put my response in.

 

The head symptoms have been my biggest battle. Even though i know that they are benzo symptoms i still have trouble believing that they can make me feel this way.

 

I was only on benzos a few months constantly before then i took them occasionally. But i always snorted them then after 2-3 months straight i stopped. During the time i used somedays i would do 4-5 mg throughout the day or sometimes only .5mg 2 times a day then a very rapid self taper my symptoms started with

 

Severe anxiety sinus issues. Then a few days later improvements only by a little. I mist have went to the er 3 times a week in the first month for neck chest and head tightness only left side of body and toxic naps. I kept working throughout the time. Now after 2 months later i get head and neck tightness and some body cramps every now and then benzo withdrawal is very scary. I push myself to do the things i need to do when im working and my mimd is busy symptoms sometimes go away til after work thats a plus. But FIGHTING hang in there you will make it and sypmtoms will subside after some time . stay positive

Thank you MrMack.....

Fiona! I'm worried about you, how are you? Love!

Fiona! I'm worried about you, how are you? Love!

 

 

?

SORRY!  Fighting, how are you?