Four months off!! (July 26th) - Short Term User

I truly wish I could post this in the success stories.  But I'm soooooo close I can feel it.

I can't post a success story though until I'm off the AD I was incorrectly put on; because it's part of the whole story and I'm not posting a success story until this whole journey is behind me.

I have good days and bad days, but the good days are truly SO close to "normal" I can taste it.

And I honestly believe that a lot of my bad days are because I'm weaning off of an AD I never should have been put on.

Today is day 8 at the lowest dose possible (25mg of Pristiq).  In Australia people have to jump off of 50mg because the 25mg isn't available.

But with all I've been through I'm going to have lower doses compounded to taper off the last 25 slowly.

 

But as far as my Benzo withdrawal, I honestly believe I am through the worst of it. 

The first three months were absolutely horrifying for me.

I had:

Anxiety off the charts

DP/DR

CONSTANT fear of death and dying (both myself and others)

Inability to watch television

Tremors

Shaking

INSOMNIA to beat the band - I would go SIX DAYS/NIGHTS with NO SLEEP.  I would lay in bed SO mad and frustrated, and had myself convinced I would go crazy and be put in a psyche ward.

My brain just would NOT shut off.  No amount of medicine (I honestly thought I was going to die from drinking so much Nyquil and taking Trazadone one night) would knock me out. 

I went to every doctor under the sun:

Sleep Studies

MRIs

EEG

Gastro Doctors (and every test they give) - as well as CT scans, etc.

Homeopathic doctors (did NOT help)

Craniosecral Therapy (DID help)

Massage Therapy (DID help)

Talk Therapy (still go - love it)

I've taken so many supplements it's not funny.  I honestly can't tell you what did or didn't work.

The ones I THINK work:

Iron (for sleep)

Vitamin D (for sleep)

I also take a Vitamin B multivitamin

 

Today I am driving.  I am watching tv.  I am back to work (business owner).  I am being a Mom again.

I can get all the housework done. 

I walk MILES when I can (although my sciatic nerve is acting up lately)

I may end up going through waves like people talk about here, but I don't EVER see it going back to how it was when I first got off of Ativan.

I couldn't function.  I couldn't fry an egg if my life depended on it.

 

We are going to heal.  Completely.

This is going to be a blip on the timeline of my life.

It's taught me a lot; especially how strong I am.

I had suicidal thoughts at one point (which I blame on the AD, not necessarily Benzo withdrawal...but it was probably a combination of both at once which was bad).

My marriage has suffered and I'm working on that.  It's going to make us even stronger and make retirement in a few years that much sweeter.

It's made me realize that NOBODY can fix me sometimes.  Doctors are pointless at a given point and it's up to me to wipe the tears and fight through pain.

It's taught me to look INSIDE for answers when I can't find them outside.

It's taught me that there are a lot of wonderful strangers who truly care, who have never seen my face or heard my voice.

It's taught me I have to start putting myself first.  Like the passengers on an airplane have to put their oxygen masks on first, I am no good to anybody else if I don't take care of myself.

 

If you're sitting on your couch or laying in your bed reading this, scared that you're "never going to heal" and that "this is permanent".  You are wrong.  I sat on my chair in my family room wrapped in my blanket SEARCHING for someone's story that reassured me I was going to be okay.  Well, I hope this is another one that you find that you hang on to; even if it's not in the success stories section YET.  It will be.  Give me a couple months.  I want to get past the six month mark and get off the AD and I promise I will post more.  I may even come back crying because I'm in a small wave.  But as much as they say healing isn't linear.... for me it HAS been if I look at the big picture.  yes, there are good days and then bad days hit.  Yes, I start to feel better and then get hit with a timeframe of feeling like crap.... but every better is BETTER and every bad day is NOT SO BAD as the ones before.  So it's a two steps forward one step back kind of healing.

 

I haven't been spending as much time here but I always do open the page a time or two a day just to see if I have any personal messages.

If I can be of encouragement to anyone, please reach out.  True happiness comes in helping others and I want to reassure as many people as possible that you're going to get through this!  If sharing my own experience with you helps lessen your anxiety and maybe even sleep a little better (Lord knows we all need THAT), then by all means reach out to me.

 

HUGS ALL AROUND!!

 

P.S.  Never underestimate the power of prayer.  You may not feel like God is with you, but he is.  Talk with him.  Don't just pray to him.  Don't just ask him for healing.  Talk with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good to hear you are doing better. You are so right about talking to God, I am living proof. I always tell people that even if you do not believe in Him, what do you have to lose? If he is real or not real you will find the answer to that question. I know He hears me every day and I am leaning and depending on Him to walk with me through this journey. I pray for everyone on and off this board every day!

Good to hear you are doing better. You are so right about talking to God, I am living proof. I always tell people that even if you do not believe in Him, what do you have to lose? If he is real or not real you will find the answer to that question. I know He hears me every day and I am leaning and depending on Him to walk with me through this journey. I pray for everyone on and off this board every day!

 

As crazy as it sounds, my entire journey may have been an answer to my prayer to help me stop smoking.  I would light a cigarette and pray SO hard that I could stop my addiction.

I hated being a smoker. 

When I went into the hospital, I quit smoking cold turkey.  I haven't had one since.

All the subsequent stuff are just lessons he wanted me to learn along the road to healing.

Thank you so much for the portion of your prayers that came to me as a member of the board.  I know God heard them.

I will pray for you as well.

HUGS

 

 

Congrats to you! So glad the worst is over and you are seeing better days. Best wishes for continued healing 

Congrats to you! So glad the worst is over and you are seeing better days. Best wishes for continued healing 

 

Thank you so much. Right back atcha!

Fake till you make it

 

You are so very right are stories are so similar. I am still doing very well off the AD. I still get revved up a few times a week and I know the feeling so well that I would get stressed about it which made it so much worse. Now I know acceptance and it only lasts one day and passes as I can usually link it to  eating MSG or have caffeine or rarely a glass of watered down sangria. Tinnnitus is still a part of my days but it has also improved greatly. I just got back from a trip to Arizona and I have to say all that vitamin D was not good for me so I will take it slower when it comes to the sun. There is a great article that was posted on this site that I am going to dig up for you. I am almost ready to write my success story but I think I will wait until the end of the summer to make sure I am really healed. September will mark two years for me when I first had my first panic attack at work and had no idea what was going on as I had become dependent on the benzo so quickly and had CT without even knowing it and it took me almost two months to figure it out.

 

I love fake it till you make it as this is what I need for a year. My husband could never understand so I just faked it and relied on my sister, this site and my inner strength .

 

Take Care!

 

I am heading for a girls pool party weekend! Take Care....

Fake till you make it

 

You are so very right are stories are so similar. I am still doing very well off the AD. I still get revved up a few times a week and I know the feeling so well that I would get stressed about it which made it so much worse. Now I know acceptance and it only lasts one day and passes as I can usually link it to  eating MSG or have caffeine or rarely a glass of watered down sangria. Tinnnitus is still a part of my days but it has also improved greatly. I just got back from a trip to Arizona and I have to say all that vitamin D was not good for me so I will take it slower when it comes to the sun. There is a great article that was posted on this site that I am going to dig up for you. I am almost ready to write my success story but I think I will wait until the end of the summer to make sure I am really healed. September will mark two years for me when I first had my first panic attack at work and had no idea what was going on as I had become dependent on the benzo so quickly and had CT without even knowing it and it took me almost two months to figure it out.

 

I love fake it till you make it as this is what I need for a year. My husband could never understand so I just faked it and relied on my sister, this site and my inner strength .

 

Take Care!

 

I am heading for a girls pool party weekend! Take Care....

 

This is a joy to read!

How long have you been off the AD? I seriously feel 200% better since I cut my dose in half two weeks ago. This morning I reduced again. I left the surviving antidepressants site because it was all horror stories that scared the crap out of me. I haven't even taken the AD for six months so I know I will be fine following doctors orders.

I'm so ready to travel now! I'm ready to be an even better version of who I was before this whole journey. I feel like I've lost six months of my life and I'm going to make up for it. My marriage is Rock solid again and getting better every day.  In hindsite my husband gave me just what I needed; security while I figured things out on my own. I had to learn to love myself again, and learn to take care of myself because I'm one of those people that takes care of everyone else and neglects myself. I expected others to come to my rescue which was asking the impossible because nobody can be in my head. Only I can. If that makes sense. I'm sure you know what I mean. Anyway I am so much stronger from this.

Your update truly brightened my day. It helps so much to find others who you share similarities with. Thank you.  :smitten:

Congratulations, I must try not to get jealous but one less person suffering is a great thing.

Congratulations, I must try not to get jealous but one less person suffering is a great thing.

.your time will come!  Our brains heal. They do. Be kind to yourself. I look forward to reading your success story one day. It will happen. I thought I ruined myself for life by taking Ativan and then an AD. I thought I did brain damage from trying so many things have to help me sleep. I thought maybe I had a stroke they didn't detect. I thought all kinds of things. Time showed me different. I look forward to even more healing as more time passes. Time is our friend. Make the most of every day in the meantime.

Well, today marks 6 months off and I'm wondering who in the heck wrote these posts because I don't remember feeling that good.

That must have been one heck of a window.

I'm starting to wonder if the antidepressant that I was on was truly helping me and I should have never gotten off of it. Or is the depression and everything that I'm going through now withdrawal from the AD?

whoever it is that wrote these posts I want to be her again.

How much longer do I give it before I go back on an antidepressant?? I took my last dose on July 10th.

 

Good job  sound like your making  good progress .

Good job  sound like your making  good progress .

 

I'm actually not doing well since weaning off the Pristiq per Dr.'s orders.

I was only on the Pristiq for a month; was on Lexapro for four months before that.

I didn't think I would have bad withdrawals but it appears I am.  Or the AD's were masking the Benzo w/d symptoms and when I removed them it's back.

 

In a nutshell, I'm more confused than ever.  More scared than ever.

How much longer until I can be myself again?

Soooo lost.

 

 

 

 

Well, today marks 6 months off and I'm wondering who in the heck wrote these posts because I don't remember feeling that good.

That must have been one heck of a window.

I'm starting to wonder if the antidepressant that I was on was truly helping me and I should have never gotten off of it. Or is the depression and everything that I'm going through now withdrawal from the AD?

whoever it is that wrote these posts I want to be her again.

How much longer do I give it before I go back on an antidepressant?? I took my last dose on July 10th.

 

 

 

Fake it, this post made me smile and also want o cry. "I wonder who wrote those posts..I want to be her again" struck home with me. Please dont go on an antidepressant. That will only mess your brain up even more. Whjat is needed now is real healing from benzos, and that may take longer than you had hoped. Did for me and many others here. I will NEVER take another AD again, no matter what. I still do not know how much of my miserable WD was due to benzos or to ADs. A total mystery.

 

What I can tell you to be true is that I am now more healthy and happy now than I have been in 30 years. Those drugs almost killed me. Came SO close to dying because of benzos and AD's only added to the mess. I am an RN who no longer believes in brain-affecting drugs. I do not think they work. (ADs). Benzos DO work but at such a huge price...not worth ever taking again.

 

You are not lost. You are having a bump in the road to your recovery. Some people have ups and downs that can make them think they are not going to make it. Windows and waves...I never had those...just constant misery for many years. Does not matter...we all do heal if we just keep on going. I firmly believe this. Everything I have read here on BB proves this...over and over. Healing, for some people just takes longer.

 

Please keep going.

east

Thank you so much East.  I hope to never swallow another benzo or ad. I've survived every day so far.

 

One day at a time. Looking forward to getting a few more months under my belt and see how I feel.