18 - 24 months and wavy.... aka "Who moved my finish line?"

Since there seem to be a few of us in this time frame, I thought we might try to support each other on a thread dedicated to getting through these late hour waves when we're already just running on fumes.

 

Since there are already a kzillion threads devoted to venting and describing symptoms, I think it would be nice to focus on finding the positives and supporting each other.  After all, we are 18 - 24 months ahead of where we used to be and we'll never have to re-live those terrible early days.

 

Many of us are finding the length of time to be a little surreal at this point, however.  We're dead tired and our emotional reserves are pretty drained.  If you're like me, you thought you'd definitely be healed by 12 months... no, make that 15 months... okay,okay surely by 18... no, really? they're now saying 24..?  The finish line seems to be moving further away.  The months are really starting to tick off, and we all know that each month equals 30 days of suffering. 

 

We are getting so close!   I hope posting here gives some of us a chance to make some new friendships.  I hope some of us start to cross over to the other side soon, and I hope we can take comfort and find some joy in crossing that line together. 

 

 

 

 

Hi CH, thought I'd say hi.

 

Wish I had good news but in the middle of worst wave since around 18 months. Haven't had a string of days this bad since then. Bad wave every 3 months maybe? Hopefully I come out of this soon and hit a good new baseline..

 

 

Hi CH, thought I'd say hi.

 

I'm 21 months 11 days.

 

Wish I had good news but in the middle of worst wave since around 18 months. Haven't had a string of days this bad since then. Very sick, unwell, barely functional for entire days rather than the usual few hours. Bad wave every 3 months maybe? Hopefully I come out of this soon and hit a good new baseline..

Hi! One of the best things that have happened during recovery is meeting strong and supportive people. CH, that includes you. Thanks for your positivity.

Hey, Lala.  Glad to see you here.

 

Klungo, I'm so sorry - I know you're in a really bad wave.  I'm currently feeling about the same as I did six months ago, although I can report that I was definitely getting a little better around the 16 month mark. 

 

I guess "positive" is the wrong aim for this thread.  Perhaps if we can aim for being honest without giving into despair.  Despair and fear so contagious, and we're all so vulnerable.  It's a hard balance.  Most of the time, being silent is the closest thing I can manage to being positive.  But then isolation is a killer. 

 

I believe everyone who says we all heal.  I guess my two biggest fears now are: 1) it's going to take years and years, or 2) I'm already "healed" and this is just the new me. 

 

I always thought 18 months would be worst case.  At 9 months I kept my head in the game by saying that I was halfway there.  Now I'm 18 months, and trying to keep my head in the game by saying that I'm halfway there, but it's feeling like a cruel joke. 

 

My hope for this thread, for anyone who might want to join, is that we can band together a bit as we go through this difficult 18 - 24 passage, and be encouraged as we witness each other healing, and that ultimately we might collectively give some perspective and hope to those who follow us. 

Hey, Lala.  Glad to see you here.

 

Klungo, I'm so sorry - I know you're in a really bad wave.  I'm currently feeling about the same as I did six months ago, although I can report that I was definitely getting a little better around the 16 month mark. 

 

I guess "positive" is the wrong aim for this thread.  Perhaps if we can aim for being honest without giving into despair.  Despair and fear so contagious, and we're all so vulnerable.  It's a hard balance.  Most of the time, being silent is the closest thing I can manage to being positive.  But then isolation is a killer. 

 

I believe everyone who says we all heal.  I guess my two biggest fears now are: 1) it's going to take years and years, or 2) I'm already "healed" and this is just the new me.

 

I always thought 18 months would be worst case.  At 9 months I kept my head in the game by saying that I was halfway there.  Now I'm 18 months, and trying to keep my head in the game by saying that I'm halfway there, but it's feeling like a cruel joke. 

 

My hope for this thread, for anyone who might want to join, is that we can band together a bit as we go through this difficult 18 - 24 passage, and be encouraged as we witness each other healing, and that ultimately we might collectively give some perspective and hope to those who follow us.

 

This is my fear in bold. I'm still a little early to the group having just hit 17 months. I have some good days but still get hit with days like yesterday and today where I feel "lowblood sugar" moments and feel fatigued and hungry even after I eat, nervous, and with muscle aches all over. Then of course there's the persistent tinnitus and intermitrant wobbliness. I'm starting to worry this is simply the way I am now.

Hello again everyone and thank you Cominghome for opening up this new support thread . For those of us who sadly still are in the 'Floaty Boaty , and they Lord knows what else ' stage of recovery it will be a great place for us to vent, and hopefully rejoice in any small or major reprieves that may come our way.

 

I for one never expected my recovery to be so extended, and even worse , so non-linear . I remember reading the 'Ashton Manual ' and thinking O.K. a year at the max , and getting progressively  better all the time. Easy peasy. Well a big L.O.L to that . We are not the lucky duckies making a ' Perfect ' recovery. For whatever reason our pathway back to health and normality has been and  is twisty and tortuous,  and we are literally sick and tired of it all . It's not fair , but it is what it is . The good thing is that the past long, long months have strengthened us mentally . We have developed coping skills and most importantly we have survived . Time has passed and healing has happened. We may not feel it but it is there . The end of the misery is near.

 

Hugs 

Hey, Lala.  Glad to see you here.

 

Klungo, I'm so sorry - I know you're in a really bad wave.  I'm currently feeling about the same as I did six months ago, although I can report that I was definitely getting a little better around the 16 month mark. 

 

I guess "positive" is the wrong aim for this thread.  Perhaps if we can aim for being honest without giving into despair.  Despair and fear so contagious, and we're all so vulnerable.  It's a hard balance.  Most of the time, being silent is the closest thing I can manage to being positive.  But then isolation is a killer. 

 

I believe everyone who says we all heal.  I guess my two biggest fears now are: 1) it's going to take years and years, or 2) I'm already "healed" and this is just the new me.

 

I always thought 18 months would be worst case.  At 9 months I kept my head in the game by saying that I was halfway there.  Now I'm 18 months, and trying to keep my head in the game by saying that I'm halfway there, but it's feeling like a cruel joke. 

 

My hope for this thread, for anyone who might want to join, is that we can band together a bit as we go through this difficult 18 - 24 passage, and be encouraged as we witness each other healing, and that ultimately we might collectively give some perspective and hope to those who follow us.

 

This is my fear in bold. I'm still a little early to the group having just hit 17 months. I have some good days but still get hit with days like yesterday and today where I feel "lowblood sugar" moments and feel fatigued and hungry even after I eat, nervous, and with muscle aches all over. Then of course there's the persistent tinnitus and intermitrant wobbliness. I'm starting to worry this is simply the way I am now.

 

Hey there, Grapejuice.  I hear you.  All along, I've been grateful for the physical symptoms, because they tell me it's all still related to the damage caused by the benzos.  You didn't have this before withdrawal, and you won't have it after.  I wish you a speedy healing! 

Hello again everyone and thank you Cominghome for opening up this new support thread . For those of us who sadly still are in the 'Floaty Boaty , and they Lord knows what else ' stage of recovery it will be a great place for us to vent, and hopefully rejoice in any small or major reprieves that may come our way.

 

I for one never expected my recovery to be so extended, and even worse , so non-linear . I remember reading the 'Ashton Manual ' and thinking O.K. a year at the max , and getting progressively  better all the time. Easy peasy. Well a big L.O.L to that . We are not the lucky duckies making a ' Perfect ' recovery. For whatever reason our pathway back to health and normality has been and  is twisty and tortuous,  and we are literally sick and tired of it all . It's not fair , but it is what it is . The good thing is that the past long, long months have strengthened us mentally . We have developed coping skills and most importantly we have survived . Time has passed and healing has happened. We may not feel it but it is there . The end of the misery is near.

 

Hugs 

 

Hi brave rabbit,

Thanks for this!  So true - these things we've gained in withdrawal can never be taken from us.  It's always been my hope that this can be a transformative experience.  The end is near - this has such a lovely ring. 

In a week, it's month 30. Is it ok? 

 

It's O.K. and you are O.K , and you will be more than O.K.. Healing is happening. Hang in there . Your buddies have got you.

Thank you Brave, good that it's okay!

This thread, is just what I need. I believe, in the power of thought, and they have been quite negative. So, now I try to be positive. I want to start with meditation, and easier exercises. Is that something you have also thought about, or have begun?

I am so scared you guys, I am 14 months out but I was “healed” or so I thought, then come month 11 I got sent into a wave from hell and I’m still in it at 14 months out, I feel like I’m dying, occasionally having a better day here and there but nothing major.  I am so scared, I’m 25 almost. 26 and I feel like my life is over, not sure how much longer I can go on like this

 

Every morning I sit quietly and give thanks for all that is good in my life . I do this no matter what kind of wave I am in , how little sleep I have had , how much I ache and tingle etc. etc.etc. It's not always easy and I don't think of it being meditation. All I know is that it helps.

After this I take a few calming breaths and then I make a realistic plan  for my day . These plans are dependent upon how I feel in the moment . On a good day I may garden ,go to the library or even do a little cleaning . On a bad day I will probably wind up on the  sofa watching the telly. No matter what , I shower , put on clean clothes and most importantly : Stay positive.

 

One day we will be healed and all of the misery will be gone . Always remember that.

 

 

Every morning I sit quietly and give thanks for all that is good in my life . I do this no matter what kind of wave I am in , how little sleep I have had , how much I ache and tingle etc. etc.etc. It's not always easy and I don't think of it being meditation. All I know is that it helps.

After this I take a few calming breaths and then I make a realistic plan  for my day . These plans are dependent upon how I feel in the moment . On a good day I may garden ,go to the library or even do a little cleaning . On a bad day I will probably wind up on the  sofa watching the telly. No matter what , I shower , put on clean clothes and most importantly : Stay positive.

 

One day we will be healed and all of the misery will be gone . Always remember that.

 

 

Truly beautiful - I'm going to try this.

I am very grateful, for all the symptoms that have passed. If I'm going to clean, I'll have to sit, or lie on all four. But earlier, it was completely impossible. I couldn't take care of the laundry, but it's fine if I'm sitting on the couch. My hard anxiety, has also become much better. I'm so grateful, that I'm no longer afraid of my bedroom. Sleeping, in my bed, is absolutely amazing!

 

I'm just beginning to get friendly with my bed again . For a long time I hated it . I got pretty new bed things but nothing helped.

What helped was accepting that insomnia was just part of recovery and it wasn't going to kill me . Sometimes I sleep fairly well and sometimes I don't .

 

I think that many of us fear the night time hours. Pain and worries intensify and we long for peaceful sleep. I cope by reading , colouring listening to Bach and taking myself on mind trips , revisiting some of my favourite cities.

Do any of you guys suffer from depersonalization or derealization? I feel like I can't see the world properly everything looks scary and just distorted, it feels like my brain is not my own, I just want my life back. This whole process is so mind blowing I keep reminding myself that it will end someday but I feel like until the veil of withdrawal lifts I won't be able to realize this was all withdrawal if that makes sense?

Hi Songbird,

I still have dpdr, but at 18 months have found that it’s a little less “otherworldly.”

 

Please don’t compare yourself to those who are months ahead of you.  I think most of the posts on this thread are from people who are 18-24. I know it’s hard to fathom, but sadly, you’re still fairly early in the process.  I had intense and frightening dpdr until about month 16-17. You may be much more improved in coming months, and it can make things a little harder to compare your progress to others.

 

Please make sure you’re avoiding alcohol. This can make your symptoms a lot worse.

Yeah my DR went and then came back around 16-17, then left again around 18. It comes and goes in waves here and there but like CH said, nothing like the early days, milder.

 

The good thing is that I am either in a window or I have finally arrived at the end of a long long journey. I'm hoping for the very best but preparing myself for maybe another rough wave.

 

And here is the bad thing , or maybe not ?. I suddenly have clarity beyond belief. I'm seeing everything clearly , and most of it is beautiful . This is what is not beautiful . I have become aware that for many years I have been addicted to food . I have used food like a drug to ease the feelings of pain from emotional abuse . O.M.G. I cannot believe that I just wrote that.

As you can imagine this new self awareness has released a whole storm of new feelings for me to process. I haven't been able to cry for years , and now I can feel the tears trying to get through.

 

All this is really really scary , and I am having to remind myself that if I can survive withdrawal I can survive this.

 

The good thing is that I am either in a window or I have finally arrived at the end of a long long journey. I'm hoping for the very best but preparing myself for maybe another rough wave.

 

And here is the bad thing , or maybe not ?. I suddenly have clarity beyond belief. I'm seeing everything clearly , and most of it is beautiful . This is what is not beautiful . I have become aware that for many years I have been addicted to food . I have used food like a drug to ease the feelings of pain from emotional abuse . O.M.G. I cannot believe that I just wrote that.

As you can imagine this new self awareness has released a whole storm of new feelings for me to process. I haven't been able to cry for years , and now I can feel the tears trying to get through.

 

All this is really really scary , and I am having to remind myself that if I can survive withdrawal I can survive this.

 

Hey, Brave Rabbit,

Isn’t this the strangest journey?  I’ve had things like that surface too, often quite painfully.  Sometimes I feel that the withdrawal process has completely deconstructed my psyche, including a lot of stuff buried in my subconscious. I believe we can heal even better than before.  When these realizations or memories surface I try to just sit with them and feel everything, while keeping myself grounded and using self-soothing techniques to cope.  It might be good to consider counseling to help process some of these things if it becomes troubling.

 

It’s a beautiful thing to see with such clarity. I think that withdrawal can bring us gifts if we can bear them. I’m glad to hear you’re in a window. I hope this is the one that never ends. 

 

The good thing is that I am either in a window or I have finally arrived at the end of a long long journey. I'm hoping for the very best but preparing myself for maybe another rough wave.

 

And here is the bad thing , or maybe not ?. I suddenly have clarity beyond belief. I'm seeing everything clearly , and most of it is beautiful . This is what is not beautiful . I have become aware that for many years I have been addicted to food . I have used food like a drug to ease the feelings of pain from emotional abuse . O.M.G. I cannot believe that I just wrote that.

As you can imagine this new self awareness has released a whole storm of new feelings for me to process. I haven't been able to cry for years , and now I can feel the tears trying to get through.

 

All this is really really scary , and I am having to remind myself that if I can survive withdrawal I can survive this.

 

Oh Brave! You truly are a brave rabbit. Thank you for sharing this with us. I have had a lifelong battle with food and my weight. And some other issues, too. And, I haven't been able to cry for months. Probably at least a year. I find that to be so disorienting. I've always been a 'heart on my sleeve' crybaby. And now I just have no emotions. In the last few months I've been thinking a lot about my childhood, my relationship with food, etc. And, I started seeing a therapist about a month ago. Just like ComingHome said, I really need help processing these deeply embedded issues. I've had one window in the past 19 months and if I feel any improvement it doesn't last long. But I realize I've experienced some improvement because I'm feeling more proactive. I'm seeing a therapist, had bloodwork done, etc. So, that makes me feel hopeful.

 

I'm feeling happy to be included in this group. I'm feeling support and hope that I can provide support as well.

 

Well due to a horrendous family 4th July I am back in a small wave , which so far seems mild . However I still feel close to the end of the journey.

 

Thank you LaLa for sharing your thoughts on  weight issues and the benefits of therapy . I'm starting therapy again later this month . At the moment I have so many raw emotions . I feel that somehow the recovery process has opened up ' Pandora's Box ' . It's a bit like waking up in the recovery room after surgery. You hurt like Hell but you feel glad that you have survived. The problem is that unlike the recovery room with pain meds. on tap , you have to say no to the nice nurse who is going to give you the calming shot and feel the pain .

 

I think that for many women and some men food has the ability to become the drug of choice . Think about it. It's legal , available , cheap and you can drive the kids to school whilst under the influence.  The hard thing about getting off the addiction is that you can't just stop eating and every mouthful can keep the addiction going.

 

It's good to be able to share . Maybe we should open a support group to help with the problem of food addiction. What do y'all think ?

a buddy in a group I'm in hit 24 today:

 

Feeling much better! I had every symptom imaginable! The only thing I really have left right now are tingling feet and muscle spasms in my calves. I feel like I can live with that until I'm a 100%. I have really noticed a change in the last couple of months! It gets better keep fighting!

 

I asked if it got better after 22:

 

I am sorry you are going through a tough patch. Yes, around 22, 23 months things really started to get better. Then all the sudden most symptoms were gone. You are almost there!!! Keep pushing through!!!