Some of the members here in the BenzoBuddies forum, have already read my Success Story, elsewhere.
I've posted it before in other Facebook-based Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal Support groups... I’ve also posted it on the World Benzodiazepine Awareness Day website too.
Its posting here in BenzoBuddies is looooooong overdue... until now.
Healing happens... and 💯 fo' sho'... 👍🏻
Do all the right things to get there, and it cannot not happen... ✊🏻😎👌🏻
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Ok... so here's the short version of my "Success Story"... bearing in mind I did not become "Benzo-Wise", until the tail-end of May 2010.
That's when I thought..........
"Could it be this Valium?"
.......... that's when I went online, and eventually - through Google - I found the Ashton Manual, then I found - my now dear friend - Baylissa Frederick.
I also eventually found the "Bristol & District Tranquilliser Project" too, a charity run organisation, here in the U.K. who know exactly what this stuff is all about.
"Battle Against Tranquillisers - BAT" is another one.
Between them and Baylissa, they literally... saved my life.
I also found, and would desperately post on "BenzoBuddies", as well (an internet-based "Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome" support forum) however, I was far too 'paranoid' to post all of the time... but every single evening I private messaged (behind the scenes) with a Moderator on there, who had since healed... and she answered every single terrifying message I sent... and with encouragement to just keep going, and that my healing would eventually come.
That to me, was just invaluable back then.
I needed to 'hear' it over and over, and every five minutes... it was THAT bad.
I also found another Facebook-based "Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome" group too, within this sad, sorry, mess... and one that was ran by someone, who also 'held my hand' during my darkest hours - for years - and also whilst they were (and still are) so ill with "Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome" themselves, as well.
Bless them all.
Here's some history...
In September of 2001, I attended a G.P. appointment for some minor physical ailment, and one that I can't even remember what it was now, it became that insignificant.
During that twenty minute experience, she noticed that I was looking and sounding a bit "down in the dumps"... and she asked me why that was... so I just happened to mention the fact that some things were getting me down... life 'stuff', and pretty much all created around me by 'people', one of which whom was very 'close' in particular.
It was then she (the G.P.) convinced me that I was "depressed" and, because my Father had a 'history' of such, she convinced me it was "genetic", and prescribed me an SNRI antidepressant, shortly followed by Benzodiazepines... for my 'troubles'.
In hindsight, any well-informed Doctor would have just empathised and told me to go and sort out my 'people problems'... and then inevitably, after doing that, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that I would have just naturally felt better again after a few weeks or so, more... as one very most usually does.
But, oh no... not her... and this trusting innocent (namely me) stepped onto the 'Hamster's Wheel', of what was going to be the most unbelievably horrifically painful ride, that I would EVER experience in my entire life, and one I know now will NEVER ever be repeated again... and that's because it wasn't me... it was actually never me... for it was always..........
T
H
E
I
R
D
R
U
G
S
.......... shame on them.
My N.H.S. induced poly-drugging then came along very shortly thereafter... featuring the likes of SSRI's, SNRI's, SARI's, Tricyclics, Z-drugs... but always 'starring' the Benzodiazepines.
The toxicity withdrawal, tolerance withdrawal, and full-withdrawal happened in three time-stamps, but all mixed together, and every time.
It also got worse every time... and so did my ensuing - iatrogenically imposed upon me - "poly-drugging", as well.
I was also "kindled" greatly..........
2001/2002
2005/2006
2009/2010/2011/2012/2013
.......... I eventually healed for the third and last time at the tail-end of July, going into August, 2013.
After my forced cold-turkey, in hospital as a result of my attempted suicide in May 2010, my 'light bulb moment' came on about two weeks thereafter... after they had sent me home with my prescribed 'stuff', because I was "Ok"... 🙄
Previous to that time - and during - I was 'sleeping' between zero to four hours... pacing for twelve to sixteen hours... and then managing to maybe lay down for four to eight hours in the evening, if I was 'lucky'.
I could never actually sit the entire time... and if I tried to, I couldn't help but to have to stand up again and pace around.
So... my daily routine, pretty much always went...
'sleep' for four hours
pace for twelve hours
and
lay down highly uncomfortably for eight hours
... it was only then I could go online etc etc, and pretty much 'live' within the 'Benzo Community' that I had eventually found, after my further life-shattering cold-turkey experience of May 2010.
Then, after a maximum of four hours 'sleep' (sometimes less or zero 'sleep') at about 4am, I would awake with what seemed like a 'nuclear missile' going off inside me, and continuing to 'blast' for the next twelve hours, at least... and thus the whole pacing torturous regime started... all... over... again.
And every day and night... continuously, and for over one thousand days straight.
Forty four months straight, to be exact.
In the July of 2010, nine weeks after the cold-turkey, I was incorrectly advised to 'reinstate'*... and to taper off of what was my initial dose... and that way, I'd be able to "return to work, and be a lot more comfortable" during, as well
I never managed to "return to work"... I never got "a lot more comfortable", either... I actually got... even more worse, than worse.
Who could imagine, huh?
(My advisor of reinstatement will remain nameless - please don't ask me who it was.)
So... it’s not a good idea to reinstate more than four weeks out... huge chances are, it simply just... won't work.
I still tapered though during, hoping it may ease up as I did... however... it didn't.
So my ensuing taper then just added an entire year to my iatrogenically imposed 'sentence' of unbelievable physical and mental torture... and one of unmeasurable, and indescribable proportions... and that is what mostly comes of reinstating more than four weeks out of a (mostly) Doctor induced cold-turkey withdrawal.
There should be NO cold-turkey withdrawals ever imposed upon unsuspecting and uninformed patients, in the first place, anyway.
However... there is.
There also should be, no uniformed Doctors around, either... yet... there still is, as well... and it's just... everywhere.
I became "Benzo-Free" in June of 2011.
I eventually healed in the August of 2013... and much to my amazement, I might add... for 'the drug', always 'tells us' otherwise.
My journey was actually a linear (rare) type healing in the end... prior to that though, it had plateaued a complete intense horror, and for forty four months straight... and that was actually the third time, remember... bear in mind the previous two times I had also struggled with it all before, and those previous two times were also unbelievably horrific, as well.
But the third time was the absolute worst... and even more intense version of horrific... an horrific that any 'unaffected by this person', will never ever even remotely fathom, to imagine.
There won't be a fourth time.
I had NEVER had any issues like that before 2001, not even remotely close... and I have also NEVER had any like that after 2013 either, since.
I have a professional career... I'm now forty nine years old... you do the maths.
Here's pretty much what I had to endure the entire time...
Fear beyond belief
Paranoia
Insomnia
Gastrointestinal issues
Memory issues
Intrusive thoughts
Tinnitus
Muscle tics and spasms
Intrusive memories
Deep depression
Mental anguish
Negative thoughts
Intense anxiety
Muscle tension
Doom and gloom
Suicidal ideation
Dizziness
Physical pain
Myoclonic jerks
Vivid dreams
Toxic naps
and the worst horror of all
Akathisia - the uncontrollable feeling of needing to constantly physically move... the need to pace for miles and miles, for hours and hours all day, every day... and also the internal and mental feeling of it too, except one can't physically move one's insides, so one tries to rip one's skin off, and/or pull one's hair out, instead
... and all consistently, throughout.
Forty four months straight.
In 2012 I had two 'windows'... one for forty five minutes... the other for twenty minutes... and that was it.
Forty four months straight.
At twenty six months off the offending drug though... I did actually heal... over a period of roughly three weeks, it all... just... left.
And normal service was resumed.
Heaven on Earth.
"The Prize" had finally come.
I went back to work in January of 2015... the socioeconomic nightmare (amongst many other totally preventable life-based things, that had also happened, as a result of it all) had finally... ended.
On the third occasion, I was on "sick-leave" from my work-place, for just over... a monumental... five years.
So you see, if I can heal from that level of complete and utter UNNATURAL iatrogenically induced insanity... then... so can you.
Anybody can.... just keep doing the right things to get there... and... you will.
Everybody will.
So keep going... hold on... and stay strong... ✊🏻
Stay alive.
Your "Prize" awaits you too.
It's coming.
Trust me.
My BenzoBuddies support forum username was...
"[...]"
... and... I did... 😊
*caps used for emphasis purposes only*
edit: personal information removed
